Beyond Repair
by xGreatEscapex
Summary: After Bella flees the southern wars she does not find the peaceful life she had hoped for. When the Cullens find her many years later alone and seemingly unconscious can they help her to find the peace she once sought or is she damaged beyond repair?
1. Chapter 1

"Bella if you were serious about getting out of here, we had better do it now!" Bree told me. "I hear the Volturi arrived in Texas this morning. Lucas knows we can't outrun them. He's going to abandon us and flee to Mexico today. It's a good time for us to head south too and then loop around and go back north."

I had began moving into the action the second she said we should leave now. Bree and I had grown weary of the fighting long ago. Lucas had created a whole vampire army to gain territory in the southern United States. Bree and I were included in that army. He had created Bree and Bree had created and then trained me to fight. I loved her like a mother even though since I had been turned at sixteen years old I was physically two years than her. We confided and tried to protect each other the best we could. Our best was not always enough and after so long we had begun to dream of running away.

Escaping wasn't easy though and now that we had the opportunity there was no way in hell I was going to let it pass. Plus with the Volturi coming the only other choice was death. They had been tearing through the south trying to put an end to the wars for a while now, shredding and burning every vampire they could get a hold of and with Alec among them and able to incapacitate everyone in a five mile radius they were pretty damn successful. He wouldn't be a problem for me though and by extension not a problem for Bree. I would protect her no matter what. She was all I had.

I dropped to my knees in our tent and began clawing at the dirt trying to unearth the knapsack of money Bree and I had buried for this specific moment. We didn't have much, just what we stole off humans after we fed off them but it was enough to get us away from here. Once I'd dug up the bag I pulled it over my shoulder and took a peek out of the front opening of our tent.

"I don't see Lucas," I whispered. "Do you think he left already?"

"Maybe. It doesn't matter though. He's not going to worry about keeping us here if he's planning to leave himself. He's doesn't give a shit about us Bella!" Bree hissed from behind me.

I nodded my head and tried to cement that fact in my head. I was always such an idiot when it came to Lucas. Bree always had to remind me of the truth.

We exited the tent just as the screams began. I could hear the all too familiar keening sound of the bodies' of our kind being torn apart. I could smell the burning fires and see the thick purple smoke billowing toward the sky.

The Volturi had arrived.

I felt Bree's hand wrap around my arm. She was pulling me in the opposite direction of the screams and the second I moved to follow her another hand grabbed my other arm.

"Bella come with me! You'll be better off," Lucas said trying to pull to him and away from Bree.

"Lucas just let us go! It's over! We're wasting time!" Bree yelled pulling my other arm toward her.

"Bella, honey, stay with me. I need you," Lucas begged staring into my eyes and caressing my cheek. I immediately paused.

"He just wants to use you, Bella. Please! Let's go!"

The roar of the battle between the Volturi and the other vampires of Lucas's army was deafening. I knew that Bree was right and I wanted to pull away from Lucas but his grip on me was too tight.

"Lucas let go of me!" I screamed trying to wrench my arm free. I was started to panic because the Volturi were everywhere and advancing quickly to where we were standing. Our window of time to escape was closing fast.

"None of us will make it out of here if we stand here! Lucas we need to leave!" I exclaimed.

If he followed Bree and I we could figure out a way to get away from him later. Getting away from the Volturi was the main concern right now. Bree and Lucas both seemed to be on the same page with me because we all started running into the night at the same time and unfortunately in the same direction.

I was happy to be in motion but that joy didn't last. The squabble over who would go with who had indeed lasted too long. Some members of the guard were on us. I could hear their swift footfalls not that far behind us.

"We have to split up! We all have a better chance that way," Bree said.

I didn't want to but I knew that she was right. There were three guards following us. If we split up, so would they. Bree was fast and there was never a vampire she could not out run. Lucas was a stellar fighter and had a good chance of coming out victorious in a one on one fight no matter who he was up against. I wasn't sure of my own chances but maybe whoever followed me would be gifted which would automatically tip the scales in my favor. The thought of being separated from Bree though did not sit well with me. In fact it scared me shitless.

"I can't leave you!"

Bree shook her head. "You have to! We'll meet in three days! The Point Isabel Lighthouse!"

"I'm not leaving you!" I shouted.

"She's right Bella! We have to split up! We'll meet again in three days!" Lucas growled at me in the way that he did during combat training. I hated that I reacted to that tone so instantaneously but after years and upon years my hears had been trained to recognize anything uttered in that tone as law.

Bree threw her arms around me quickly. "I love you Bells! Now go!"

I didn't even get a chance to return my love for her before she and Lucas took off. I ran away as well having no other choice.

The guard members split up just as we wanted them to. I pushed myself to run as fast as I could. I kept my mind focused on surviving and getting back to Bree. I had only been running for a few minutes when I heard the Volturi guard after me catching up. Fear only gripped me for a second though. I knew that it was a gifted tracker following me. An involuntary smile found it's way to my lips as I scaled a nearby tree. Getting away from him would be easy as pie.

Rosalie

It was late and I knew that I should be getting home soon, but I just needed a few more minutes. I had been walking around Port Angeles for the last two hours just taking some time from myself. I loved my family and my husband with all my heart but sometimes the Cullen house was just too much for me. Every so often I headed out on my own to be away from all the gifts there that denied me any privacy. There were times where I just wanted to think and feel without anyone hearing or trying to make me tranquil again.

I walked all the way to the harbor and sat at the end of one docks taking in the cool sea breeze. The second I had made taken my seat though I caught an unmistakable scent in the wind.

Vampire.

My body instantly stiffened and I took in the scent again. The vampire was extremely close by but I couldn't hear any foot steps coming toward me or hear it breathing. I knew without a doubt that I should leave. This vampire could be dangerous and I was on my own. When I stood to leave though, I found myself following the scent. My body was ignoring my minds warning and instinct to protect myself.

The scent led me back to the front end of the dock. It was strongest there but as my eyes swept over the area I could only see humans. I took in another deep breath and realized the smell was coming from under the dock. I took another quick look around to make sure no one was watching me and jumped down to the small piece of dry land under the wooden dock.

It was dark under there but my vampiric sight remained intact. I saw her the second my feet hit the ground. I gasped as the image before me sent me back in time. As I gazed at the vampire, I imagined that this what I must have looked like to Carlisle when he saved me. Of course there was no blood but she was naked, hair a mess, and her body hideously ravaged.

Her face was young and her body was small. She was laid on her side facing toward me. The vampire's eyes were closed and she wasn't breathing. She had to be alive though. It was impossible for vampires to just die or be in a coma. I figured that she had been there for a long time though because her body was coated in his dust and dirt.

My heart broke at the sight of her and I knew that I had to help her. I couldn't just leave her here like this. Something awful had happened to her and she needed taking care of. I took an small step toward her and cleared my throat trying to get her to open her eyes or something. The sound did nothing to rouse her though. She continued to lie unmoving and unresponsive. I moved to her side and knelt down before her.

"Can you hear, me?" I asked softly.

Still no response.

I lifted my hand not sure if not touching her was a good idea or not. It could scare her and she could attack me in her fear. I took a deep breath preparing for whatever her reaction might be and gently placed my hand on her shoulder.

No response.

I sighed wondering just what the hell had happened to this girl. What could make a vampire totally blank out like this? Realizing that she was not going to attack or even respond in any way I scooped her up into my arms and ran as fast as I could toward home. The situation reminded me of the many years ago running my battered husband back my house to be saved. I didn't know what Carlisle could do for this girl, but there had to be something.

Alice must have seen me coming because, she was waiting holding the front door open for me when I reached the house.

"Take her up to Esme's room. We've drawn a bath for her. I sent the boys away. We should take care of her first," Alice said leading the way up the stairs.

I nodded my head following behind her. We entered the adjoining bathroom of Esme and Carlisle's bedroom. Esme gasped just as I had at the sight of the broken vampire in my arms. I carried her over to the bath and gently placed her in the hot water. The three of us silently scrubbed her clean. We had to drain the tub, clean it, and draw another bath because the grime and dirt was so thick on her skin and in her hair.

"Do you see her waking up?" Esme asked Alice as we towel dried the lifeless vampire.

"No. I can't get a clear picture of her future. Maybe we'll get more information when the guys get back.," Alice replied.

The ever prepared Alice had already gone out and gotten clothes in her size. We dressed her in a pretty white sundress and placed her on a bed in one of the guest bedroom that had never been used since there were hardly ever any guests in the Cullen house. I placed her on the bed and sat beside her. I felt like I should do something but I didn't know what. The girl reminded me so much of myself and Emmett. So I decided to do what had been done for us. Carlisle had talked to me. I had talked to Emmett and I do the same for her.

"I don't know if you can hear me, but my name is Rosalie Hale. I found you under a dock in Port Angeles. I've brought you to Forks, Washington where me and my family live. We are vampires just like you. We won't hurt you. We want to help you and will do so however we can. You are safe here."

I repeated that to her every so often. Alice had called Jasper to inform him and the others it was okay to come back. When they arrived they all entered the room slowly. Carlisle came around to the other side of the bed with his black leather medical bag which he placed on the nightstand.

"Tell me what happened Rosalie," he said and I did giving him every detail starting from me going to the dock. He nodded his head and turned to Edward.

"What is she thinking?" Carlisle asked.

Edward peered into her face intently before shaking his head, "I can't hear anything. Her mind is silent."

"Jasper?"

"I can feel something from her but I don't really know what it is exactly," Jasper answered.

"I can't get a good read on her future either. It's all foggy," Alice said.

"Interesting," Carlisle murmured.

He leaned over her and opened her eyelid revealing her pitch black iris. Who knows how long she had gone without feeding. He flashed a small light in her eye and then moved it away trying to get some response but none came. He sighed heavily and stepped away from her.

"I'm afraid there's not much else we can do right now," Carlisle said.

"What do you think happened to her? Have you ever seen anything like this before," Esme asked looking as if she would have been crying if it were possible.

"Never," Carlisle replied. He gently took her hand and ran his fingers along the scars there. "I do know that these are bite marks though. Only vampire venom can leave marks like these. She must have been attacked…viscously."

"Poor child," Esme whimpered causing Carlisle to pull her into a comforting embrace.

"You did the right thing bringing her here, Rosalie. Clearly someone had intentions of killing her and it was only a matter of time before a human discovered her body there. We can protect her, take care of her," Carlisle told me.

I nodded my head as my husband moved beside me. His shoulder arm wound around me and rubbed my side. He kissed the top of my head and I leaned into him seeking the same comfort Carlisle was offering Esme.

"So what now," Emmett asked.

"We wait," Alice sighed. "All we can do is wait."


	2. Chapter 2

_Edward_

**I stood in the doorway of the room that now housed the seemingly unconscious vampire Rosalie had brought home. I had to admit I had been shocked to know that Rosalie had been moved to help someone other than herself. I'd read in her mind what caused her actions and I could definitely understand that. Rosalie had never gotten over what would have been her death. She thought about it daily and it was one of the reasons she was always so hostile, but as I watched her now she was anything but. **

**Rosalie sat with the vampire every single day after coming home from school and recited the same thing every time telling the vampire how she had come to find her, who she was, where we were, and that she was safe. Rosalie took care of her, cleaning her, changing her clothes, and brushing her hair. The vampire never moved an inch or responded in anyway. **

**While it was endearing to see Rose behave this way, it was not the reason that I also visited the vampire every day. The girl was beautiful beyond words. Her face was young and she had the skin of a porcelain doll, with pretty red full lips, dark hair, and thick eye lashes. She was very petite only a few inches taller than Alice and her slender yet very sinuous curves didn't go unnoticed either. Her body was covered in scars, so many that some overlapped, but they didn't take away from her beauty at all. They seemed to be just another feature of her body like her eyes and nose. **

**I was oddly attracted to her. Whenever I was bored, I would find myself wandering toward this room. Alice had no idea when the girl would awaken or if she would at all but we always made sure that someone was home at all times just so that someone would be here when or if she did. I found myself volunteering for the job most often, well after Rosalie that is. The vampire's scent was so appealing, like ripe nectarines and fresh white ginger. Being in her presence gave me a sense of peace that not even Jasper's gift could achieve. I kept all these things to myself though because even I could see how weird it was. **

"**It's been two weeks," Rosalie murmured. "Do you think that's a long time?" **

**She had not looked back at me since I arrived but I wasn't surprised that she knew that I was there anyway. **

**I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. "For a vampire any amount of time in this state is a long time. We don't even know how long she was like this before you found her," I replied. **

**She nodded her head and rose from the bed. She stared down at the beautiful vampire for a few seconds more then went off to find Emmett. I stood in the doorway for a second longer before going to sit beside the comatose vampire. I surveyed her face searching for any signs that she might be about to awaken and found none. Her mind was silent and she still was not even breathing. I sighed feeling quite disappointed that she would probably not be rejoining the world today. **

"**We're waiting for you. I'm waiting for you.," I whispered. "Did you know that? If you can hear please try and come back." **

**I knew that my words weren't going to be the spell that broke the curse but that didn't stop me from waiting on that bed for another two hours. **

_**Bella**_

My skin was the same consistency as marble. I had laid down under that dock for I don't even know how long ago and stayed there perfectly still. I was not bothered, hurt, or even known about under there. It was my safe haven, my home, my bliss, but after a woman named Rosalie found me and carried me off, all of that was taken away from me. I wasn't necessarily angry at her but I was scared shitless.

I heard her speaking to me and I had wanted to tell her to go away. When she touched me, I had wanted to scream and push her away from me. I had wanted to jump out of her arms and ran away when she'd picked me up and took me with her. I had done none of those things though. No matter how hard I tried to command by body, to will it to move, it would not. So now I had to ask myself a terrifying question:

_Had I petrified?_

The only senses that were available to me now were my hearing and feeling and well my extra sense too but I found that I couldn't even control that entirely. I felt trapped inside my body and I was absolutely frantic. I had no idea who these vampires were and I was completely at their mercy.

All I did know was that there were four males and three females. Carlisle was controlled and powerful. I couldn't be sure but if I had to guess he was the leader. Emmett was strong and lighthearted. Edward was a mind reader and Jasper was an empath. Esme was compassionate and optimistic. She was also the weak link. Alice was a psychic, and Rosalie was protective and loyal.

This was a large coven, which was a definite bad sign and collectively I knew they could do serious damage. I wasn't sure if I was in real danger or not because Rosalie assured me that I was safe. I knew better to than to trust that though. The ear alone could not detect the truth from a lie. I would need to see to believe.

I couldn't concentrate on much because I simply _had_ to get my body moving again. These vampires had done nothing to harm me yet, but that didn't mean anything. As I laid immobile Rosalie cared for me and talked to me everyday. I realized quickly that she was either my biggest threat or my greatest ally. Either way it would be best to keep her close to me.

One day the mind reader came to visit me and told me that he and his family were waiting for me. I don't know what it was about his voice but it made me feel a certain way. It made me feel…tingly? I didn't know whether I should be giddy or disgusted with myself. Given my track record, I should have been disgusted. But just shortly after his visit that day I found myself back in control.

_**Rosalie**_

I'd just finished brushing the vampire's hair and went to go place the hairbrush back in the bathroom when I a heard something that sounded like rocks grinding against each other followed by a bloodcurdling scream. I ran back out into the bedroom and found that the vampire was awake and screaming. I ran to her side as she tried to sit up but then paused when I realized the grinding sound was coming from her every time she moved. Her movements were stilted and slow and I could see that she was in serious pain.

I was home by myself but I was sure that Alice would have seen this and was on her way home soon with the rest of the family. I didn't have time to wait for them though. The girl needed taking care of now. I grabbed her arms and she looked into my eyes pleadingly.

"It's okay honey," I cooed. "Tell me what's hurting you."

"Everything!" she cried.

She tried to sit up again and the grinding of her body made my skin crawl. She let out another piercing scream before letting her body fall back down on the bed in what looked like defeat. If I could cry, I would have.

"Rosalie," she whimpered. "I think my body has petrified. Don't let them hurt me," she begged.

I should have been surprised that she knew my name but I wasn't because the only thing I could think about at the moment was keeping her safe. I moved closer to her on the bed and gently caressed her face with the back of my hand.

"Never," I replied. "I'll never let anyone hurt you."

She sighed looking up at me as if she didn't quite believe me but nodded her head before wincing at the pain the movement caused.

"My family will be here soon," I told her. "We'll help you. Carlisle is a doctor. He's pretty old and he'll know how to help you better than I can," I said.

"A doctor?" she asked in confusion.

"Yes," I nodded. "It's a long story but let's take care of you first though okay?"

I glanced at my cell phone that was resting on the night stand by her bed and wondered where the hell was everyone else.

"I have to move," she said her face taking on a determined expression.

"I'll help you. We'll go slow," I told her. "What's your name," I asked as I got off the bed to give her some room.

"Bella Swan," she gasped as she brought her body in an out right position as she held on to my hands. She was squeezing me tight and it hurt badly but I didn't say a word. I figured that she was in way more pain than me.

"Easy, Bella," I warned thinking that she was probably moving too fast.

Her breathing picked up as she prepared to swing her legs over her the edge of the bed but then stopped as she glanced down at her body.

"What the fuck am I wearing? I don't want to wear this. It's too tight," she said looking up at me imploringly.

Alice had given me skinny jeans and a simple fitted white t-shirt to put her in. Since her body was so stiff, I figured she really would need something looser to wear. The only problem was, I don't think I owned anything lose fitting and neither did any other female in this house expect for Esme who was luckily closer to Bella's size than anyone else in the house.

"I can get you a dress," I asked.

She immediately vetoed that.

"Can't I wear something of one of the guys," she asked.

I ran up to Edward's room. He was the thinnest man in the house even though that really wasn't saying much. He was way taller than Bella put I grabbed a pair of black sweats and ripped the legs to make them shorter for her and plucked a white shirt from a hanger. I ran to Bella's room and quickly changed her clothes for her like I had for the past two weeks. I tried to maneuver her body as gently as I could but she still winced a little. When she was all changed I got back into position to help her stand.

"Are you ready?" I asked and she nodded her head.

She screamed in agony as she bent her knees and then again as she stood up. My family all appeared in the room as Bella fell against me shaking and breathing raggedly. I supported her weight and rubbed her back trying to soothe her.

"I'm so sorry Rose! I was with Jas and I wasn't really paying attention…," Alice said looking as if she wanted to cry.

"It's fine. Alice," I replied knowing all to well how distracting it can be when you're alone with your mate.

"Carlisle brought blood for her from the hospital. Esme is warming it up now for her," Edward said hesitantly stepping forward.

"Do you think that will help you Bella," I asked.

"I don't know," she whispered sounding exhausted. She gripped my upper arms and pushed herself to stand on her own. Her whole body shook and I was scared that she would fall at any moment so I took a step closer to her so that I could be ready to catch her again.

Carlisle and Esme breezed into the room carrying what had to be the hugest mug is the history of huge mugs filled with warm human blood. The smell was so tempting and made venom rush to my mouth but I stayed where I was. Bella lowered herself back down to sit on the bed letting out a strangled yelp as she did so but her eyes were trained on the mug that Esme was holding.

"You poor dear," Esme sighed. "You must be so thirsty."

Bella nodded her head and reached out for the cup with stiff shaking arms. I wasn't sure if Bella would be able to hold the cup by herself but I didn't want Esme helping her. I moved forward and took the cup from Esme.

"Do you want me to help you hold this," I asked Bella and she nodded her head. I moved to the cup to her face and she wrapped her hands around mine and titled the cup how she wanted before guzzling down the contents of cup in ten seconds flat. When she looked back up at me her eyes were flaming red and she was smiling which made me happy. I smiled back at her as Esme went to go refill the cup.

Carlisle stepped closer to Bella and so did I. I didn't want him getting too close to her. She was so fragile right now and I just felt better knowing that I would be at her side should anything happen. He glanced up at me with a curious expression but didn't say anything.

"Hello, I'm Carlisle Cullen," he said extending his hand to her with a smile but Bella only nodded once in acknowledgment as she eyed his hand warily.

"I know," she replied. "I'm Bella Swan," she told him.

He retracted his hand seemingly not offended that she hadn't shook it. Bella's eyes darted around the room looking at everyone in it and taking in every inch of the room as well. Her body seemed to tense further and I wondered would that make her stiffened body worse.

"You're Alice, you're Edward, you're Jasper, you're Emmett, and she's Esme," Bella said letting her eyes rest on each person in turn as she stated their names. Esme had come into the room with a refilled cup and I stepped forward to help Bella drink again. She drank this one slower and everyone waited until she was done before they spoke again.

_**Edward**_

Something deep inside me shattered as I heard the vampire in our home scream in pain. I pushed myself to the house faster hoping that I could help her in some way. Alice had called us the second she saw the vision of Bella screaming but she knew that no one would get there in time to help Rose deal with her. Luckily though Rose seemed to have things under control by the time we got inside the house.

I stopped in the doorway to the bedroom that held the girl. Even though I'd known that she would be awake I was still surprised to see her up and out of the bed. I also surprised and oddly turned on to find her wearing my clothes. They were way too big for her but she looked stunning in my sweats and button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. After I'd gotten over that shock, I was then overcome with sorrow. Her beautiful face was crumbled in mask of anguish as she tried to stand. She literally looked and sounded like a moving statue as she tried to move. I'd picked out of Rose's head that the girl's name was Bella Swan, such a fitting name, and that she believed her body had petrified. The thought was wholly unsettling but as I watched Bella, I knew that, that was exactly what had happened.

I watched as she drank down the blood and listened to her mind as she thought about how good it tasted, how warm it was, and the pleasure she felt as it soothed the excruciating burn in her throat. I couldn't take my eyes off her, she had my complete attention. Her mind was fascinating and worked quickly even for a vampire. I was rapt with attention as her eyes flitted around the room wildly, seeing and assessing everything perfectly.

"_Two windows. Could jump? Too slow, wouldn't make it. Edward blocking the door. Watching me. Not good. How thick are the walls? Escape not likely here. Trapped. Rosalie too far away. Need her closer. Alice so short. Bouncy. Not to be underestimated. Jasper too calm. Deceptive. Needs to be watched. Emmett all bulk and strength. But how fast? Carlisle. The leader. Probably strong fighter. Can't see him being in charge otherwise. Sweet Esme. Easily dealt with."_

Bella's thoughts were so disjointed and in small clipped sentences. It worried be that she was sizing us all up as opponents as if we were all waiting to attack her. Her scarred body was proof that someone had hurt her but what kind of life had she led to instantly think any other vampire was some sort of threat?

"How do you know all of our names?" Jasper asked.

"I could hear all of you. I couldn't do anything but hear and feel. I learned to tell the difference between all of you by your voices and the rhythm of your foot steps," she replied.

Her voice was so beautiful, so soft, sweet, and childlike like the tinkling of diamonds falling on a glass floor. She spoke quickly yet quietly like everything she said uttered was a secret she wasn't supposed to be passing on to others.

She tried again to stand up and Rosalie moved to help her but Bella raised her hand to stop her. She wanted to be able to move on her own but I saw as she gritted her teethe and heard in her mind that doing so caused her considerable pain.

"Do you know how long you've been under that dock?" Alice asked.

Bella shook her head, "No. What year is it?"

"2010," answered Carlisle.

Bella scoffed and traveled sluggishly toward the corner before leaning her back into it. Rosalie moved so that she was standing beside her. For the first time since I arrived, I took my eyes off Bella to look at my sister. I knew that Rosalie had been very worried for Bella but now she was behaving as if they were attached at the hip. I could see in her thoughts that she felt like she needed to protect Bella, but I didn't understand why she would think that? Surely none of us would do anything to harm her, and Rose must have known that. Bella seemed to be pleased that Rosalie was never more then two feet away from her though, so I let it go.

"Thirty-six years," Bella replied. "I've been there since August of 1974."

Esme gasped and Carlisle grabbed her hand to comfort her. I found myself wishing I could touch and comfort Bella. I knew that she didn't want anyone other than Rosalie close to her though. So I stayed where I was.

_**Bella**_

I was glad that even if I still couldn't completely control my body, I could control my gift. I wasn't sure how I was faring with Edward but Rosalie was responding exactly how I'd hoped she would. That made me happy and gave me a small sense of security. I was trying to ignore the pain that shot through any time I moved any part of my body because I didn't want the Cullens seeing how weak I was and really felt. I knew that if anyone tried anything Rosalie would stop them. She seemed like she could be a good fighter and at this point I was sure that she would walk through fire for me. That wasn't good enough though. I wanted to be able to protect myself but as I thought of my past I realized that even I had often failed at keeping myself safe.

My eyes settled on Carlisle, the leader of this coven with the strange golden eyes. Clearly he was mated with the sweet one. She was clinging to him like a leech and he didn't seem to mind one bit.

"Have you sired all of these vampires?" I asked him.

"Most, but not all. Jasper and Alice were sired by someone else and then joined us," he replied.

"What are your intentions for this coven?" I asked.

He cocked his head to the side slightly as if my question had confused him.

"Why have you bred and acquired? This is a very large coven. You claimed this territory as your own, right? You must have some plan in mind," I clarified.

"We are a family and we have settled in Forks to live a somewhat normal life here. I work am doctor at the local hospital and my children attend high school," he told me.

It took me a second but when I understood his plan, I more than impressed. It was damned near foolproof. He was the leader of this coven for a reason. The man was genius!

He kept the other vampires under his thumb by promising them familial love, creating trust and loyalty amongst the ranks. Then he settled them in locations like normal humans where they could feast on anyone in the area and leave the bodies to be found and taken to the doctor where Carlisle would give some false cause of death and no one would ever know that the person had been drained of all blood.

I stared at Carlisle in awe. It must have taken serious restraint from all of them in order to mix and mingle with their dinner but that just showed me how powerful this coven was. There were many supernatural gifts among them and I hadn't failed to notice that Jasper was situated by window and Emmett was by the other. This coven was extremely dangerous and they had done well to ensure that I would not escape them guarding all exits.

I had fucking done it again!

I buried my face in my face in my hands and growled in frustration. The frustration lasted exactly one second before I felt a flood of tranquility engulf me. I knew that the empath was fucking with me but I decided to let him. Him controlling my mood was the least of my worries right now.

"No, Bella you've got it all wrong," the mind reader said rushing toward me but I still had my hold on Rosalie and she moved in front of me quickly to block him from getting too close.

I looked up at him in surprise. He had been so quiet this whole time but hearing his voice made me feel that tingly feeling again, not mention he happened to be the most beautiful vampire I'd ever seen. I couldn't not focus on him when he spoke to me. It was like his presence demanded my undivided attention.

"We've settled here because we want live lives with some semblance to when we were human. This isn't our territory, it's our home. Carlisle is a doctor because he wants to use his enhanced senses to help people. We don't drink human blood at all. We feed on the blood of animals and that's why our eyes are this color," Edward said looking at me over Rosalie's shoulders.

I don't know why but I instantly believed every word he said. I just somehow knew that he wasn't lying to me, but how I wished that he was. Dangerous vampires, I was accustomed to. I had no idea how to deal vampires that were completely bat shit.


	3. Chapter 3

_Edward_

**I listened to Bella's mind as she simply repeated the story I had just told her over and over in her head. It was odd because, I could get no idea of what she thought about what I said or if she even believed me. She was simply reciting as her eyes dashed around the room looking at every member of my family and all the exits. She shrank back into the hall as if she wished she could hide inside it. It appeared as if she was afraid but nothing in her thoughts indicated that. I reached to Jasper's mind, because I knew he would be focusing on her emotions trying to gauge her reaction as well. All he could read from her was the calm he was influencing on her. **

"**Whose idea was that?" Bella asked.**

"**Mine," Carlisle answered.**

"**Would you mind giving me some fucking space now," Rosalie said glaring at me. **

**I backed away from her and decided to lean against the wall rather than the doorway. I prayed that Bella wouldn't leave but I didn't want her to feel as if we were holding her prisoner here. **

**Bella knit her brows and chewed on her bottom lip. I listened to her mind, fascinated that it was moving too quickly for me to understand. All I could catch from her were random words in the midst of thoughts so quick they sounded like hissing. How the hell could anyone think that fast?**

"**Why?" she asked her tone and expression showcasing her confusion. **

"**I don't want to take away people's lives. I didn't want to give in the monster inside," Carlisle answered simply. **

**A smile spread across Bella's face, mirthless, wicked, and condescending. "I see," she said as she stepped around Rosalie slowly. "To each their own, I guess."**

"**Would you be interested in trying it, dear?" Esme asked.**

**Bella shook her head, "No thank you."**

**Carlisle took a step forward and Bella stood up and backed away. The movement was quicker than she must have been able to handle because she let out a small yelp of pain and Rosalie shot forward to steady her as she wobbled on her feet. **

"**Will everyone just give her, her fucking space," Rosalie seethed glaring at everyone in the room, including Emmett. **

"**My apologies, Bella. I didn't mean to alarm you," Carlisle said.**

**Bella nodded once but the tension in her body didn't go away and neither did the tension in Rosalie's.**

_**Bella**_

After realizing that Carlisle and the others were not a coven of loons, I relaxed. They were just weak and silly and that was very comforting to me. I felt just a smidge safer with them. It was like waking up in the middle of a pack of wolves but then realizing they were nothing but a bunch of domesticated overgrown lap dogs. I made myself remember that I was still handicap and they were not. I still needed to watch my back, so when Carlisle advanced toward me, I retreated backward. My brittle body protested and Rosalie had to yet again catch me. He apologized and I nodded resisting the urge to roll my eyes. These vampires were so tame. It would be adorable, if it wasn't so very sad. They all had so much potential.

"Do you mind, if I ask you a few more questions?" Carlisle asked.

"I'll answer all that I am willing," I replied righting myself so that Rosalie wouldn't have to hold me up. She had came to my aid all on her own that time, which worried me a little.

"Where did you come from? I mean where is your sire?" he asked.

"Dead," I answered trying to keep the venom from my tone.

"How old are you?" Esme asked.

"Physically, 16. Technically 148."

Carlisle opened his mouth to say something but Jasper cut him off with his own question.

"Where were you sired?" he asked with his brows knitted.

"Louisiana."

Jasper glanced at Edward meaning fully and I didn't like it. Edward's eyes lit up at whatever Jasper had probably thought. I was instantly paranoid thinking of all the possibilities that Edward's mind reading allowed. They could be silently coordinating a plan of attack.

"I'd prefer it if everyone spoke aloud," I hissed bringing everyone's attention back to me.

Jasper was trying to calm me again but this time I didn't allow it. I didn't trust Jasper at all and I realized letting him control my mood was a huge mistake.

"I was sired in 1867 in Texas," he said. "You and I both know what life was like for many vampires in the south during that time. I'm guessing that is how you got your scars."

Jasper was wearing a short sleeved t-shirt and from what I could see there were no visible scars on his body. Either he had participated and was a man who did unimaginable damage or he had somehow escaped the fighting. I hoped to the high heavens it was the latter.

"You are correct," I answered taking a precautionary step backwards.

"Wait what are we talking about?" Emmett asked.

My paranoia had reached new heights. Emmett who had spoken for the first time today, caused me to nearly jump out of my skin with his booming voice.

"The southern wars," Carlisle answered.

Esme gasped looking at me with pity in her eyes and I instantly hated her for it. Pity was the most useless emotion one could feel for another. I felt Jasper try to calm me again and it angered me further.

I put myself back in the corner, the beginnings of a growl rumbling deep in my chest. I was itching to get away from here. It didn't matter how tame or crazy this coven was. I didn't want to be around vampire's anymore. I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to worry and be on my guard every second of every day. I wanted to be back under the dock where nothing would hurt me ever again. Of course I could never go there again. I would have find a new place to hide and God knows how long that would take.

I would worry about a new refuge later though. The most important thing was how to get out of here. The door was open now but I still wasn't fast enough to outrun anyone. I fisted my hands in frustration because there was no way I was getting out of here. I felt like a bear in a too small cage and I tried to control my breathing and keep a level head but the fury inside me was taking over.

"Bella," Edward called to me softly and my eyes immediately sought out his. His voice doing a better job of soothing me than I was myself. "No one here wants to hurt you. You are free to leave if you want. We won't stop you but I'd really like it if you stayed at least until your body recuperates," he said keeping his eyes locked on me.

I would have liked to maintain eye contact with him, but then I would be blind everyone else in the room and that would be a rookie mistake.

"They won't hurt you, Bella," Rosalie told me. "Not while I'm here. I made you a promise."

I wanted to believe them. I really did but the only thing I could really think about was busting through the wall and just leaving. When I thought about the pain that would accompany that plan, I decided it just wasn't worth it. I was tired of being in pain. More than that, I was just plain old tired.

"I don't want to talk anymore," I said wrapping my arms around my torso.

"Okay," Esme said glancing at everyone in the room. "Let's leave Bella alone."

Everyone began making their way out of the room except for Rosalie. Once everyone was gone and the door was closed she turned to me with a sigh.

"You okay?" she asked.

I nodded my head and then moved to the window. "I need to get moving though. I need my body working properly," I told her.

"Well let's go then."

_**Jasper**_

"I'm not accusing her of anything," I said. "I'm just saying that we should really think about what we're doing with her. I know I'm not the only one who sees how wild she is."

"She's scared that's all. She doesn't want to be around vampires. I read it in her mind," Edward replied.

Bella and Rosalie had left the house to go for a run. Bella was in a rush to get the stiffness out of her body.

"And understandably so. I've heard plenty of horror stories about the southern wars. They pushed already volatile newborns to be complete savages," Carlisle said.

I nodded my head. My sire Peter had escaped with me and his mate Charlotte. He had bitten me as a new recruit for a vampire named Maria who was in charge of the army he was a part of, but the day my transformation was complete the Volturi arrived and eliminated everyone in the camp. Peter, Charlotte, and I had escaped before they could get to us though.

"But that's just my point," I said. "She's been trained to be a brute. I don't trust her at all. Plus there's just something off about her. When we were in the room with her, there were times I could feel no emotions at all from her. Other times I could only feel the calm I was trying to influence on her. It was a little weird," I said.

Edward nodded his head with knitted brows.

"Yea, when I was reading her mind I got some strange stuff too. Her thoughts were so quick I could barely understand them. Then there were times when she would only recite things we all said in her mind over and over again with no accompanying thoughts of her own," he said.

"I'm with Esme," Alice said. "I don't think we should be so quick to judge the girl. I mean Peter and Charlotte weren't savages when I met them," she said looking at me.

I sighed and nodded my head. She had a point. Peter and Charlotte had been ready to get away from the wars long before the Volturi arrived in Texas. They were no where near as civilized as Carlisle and the rest of us are now but they were decent people and had been very good to me.

"We don't know how she was affected by her past. I feel really like we should help her. She may seem wild to you all but I think she's sad. I mean, she laid under a bridge for 36 years! That says a lot about where she is emotionally," Esme said glancing up at Carlisle for support because in the end he would be the one to have the final say on how we proceeded with Bella.

I could understand Esme's point of view but Esme was always one to want to help. She was so compassionate and always had the compulsion to mother. That had never been a bad thing until now. She couldn't see that Bella could very well be a danger to us.

"And Jasper you can't see that maybe the girl is just acting of fear. All she sees is a large coven of vampires. She feels out numbered and in danger. Anyone of us would be on guard placed in her situation even without having served in the southern wars. Give her the benefit of the doubt," Edward responded to my thoughts.

I glanced at Alice. I really didn't want someone who could hurt her in the house. I would have no problem protecting Alice with my life but that could be avoided altogether.

"Give her a chance, Jas," Alice said grabbing my hand and massaging my palm with her thumb. "I don't see her trying to hurt us in the near future. Don't worry so much. Even if she was to attack there's five us and one of her. Everything will be fine."

It seemed that everyone wanted to keep the girl around. Carlisle and Emmett hadn't said much but I could feel the curiosity radiating from him. I knew despite his silence that he wanted to at least talk to the girl a little more just to see what he could learn from her. Emmett had been staring out of the glass wall ever since Rosalie and Bella had left to go running. Worry was coming off him in droves and I knew that was mostly because of my apprehension and speculation as to how much of a threat Bella posed. I knew though that he would be game for the girl staying though because Rosalie was oddly attached to her already and he would go along with whatever his wife wanted.

"Can we all just promise to be careful," I sighed in defeat.

"Aren't we always?" Esme asked before kissing my forehead. "When she comes back, let's not all hound her. Let her get accustomed to all of us before we go hounding her with questions again. We need to make her comfortable first," she said.

We all nodded our agreement before branching off to do our own things.

_**Rosalie**_

After a hundred miles, Bella's body seemed to be back to be normal. I was impressed with her tenacity. It was obvious that the running had been causing her serious pain but she gritted her teeth and kept going. She'd started out slow but eventually picked up speed until we were both running at full speed side by side.

"That was fast," I commented thinking that it would have taken her days to get better.

"That's a good thing. Helpless is not a feeling I enjoy," she replied.

I scoffed. "Does anyone?"

"Touché," she conceded with a nod.

"Are you going to leave now," I asked her.

She slowed her run down and then eventually stopped. She crossed her arms over her chest as her brows knit. She chewed her lip for a few moments before looking me in the eye.

"I should," she finally said.

"And then you hide somewhere else?" I asked. "Lie there for a gazillion years, not be able to move, then have someone find you and have to go through all of this again? I don't see the point in that."

She tilted her head as her eyes lit up as if she was smiling. The rest of her features remained stoic though which made the expression eerie. After a few seconds of just looking at me she began to pace.

"I'll have to find a better place to hide," she murmured to herself but I responded anyway.

"What are you hiding from?"

"Bad choice of words. I'm not hiding."

"I think it was the right choice of word, you just don't like the sound of it."

She looked at me with that creepy expression and then shook her head with a sigh.

"I don't like covens."

"Good thing we're not a coven then."

"Carlisle's illusion of a family is worse! He claims to be your father right? That's a disaster in the making. You be careful around him," Bella hissed, her words leaving her mouth so quickly a human wouldn't have even registered the fact that she spoke at all.

Her fierce reaction to my seemingly harmless statement threw me off guard. I could not think of one reason I would need to be careful around Carlisle. He was quite possibly the nicest man on the face of the earth. From the second Bella set eyes on him she had seemed a little wary of him and I had picked up on that because I wouldn't let him or anyone else near her. Now that we were alone though I wanted to help her understand that Carlisle was a good person.

"He's a very good man, Bella. He would never hurt anyone. Especially us, his family," I told her.

"Of course," Bella replied dismissively. "I don't hunt the way you do and I have no intentions ever doing so. I'd make it hard for you to keep up your little charade," she continued.

I rolled my eyes and planted my hands on my hips. "We won't force you into anything you don't want to do. We rarely hunt in the area either. We go to locations where the animals are more populous. You can do the same," I countered.

She opened her mouth to saying something but I cut her off. "I wonder when you'll run out of excuses?" I mused tapping my fingers along my chin.

"Your so amusing," Bella replied dryly.

"Whatever," I replied looping my arm through hers and pulling her back in the direction toward the house.

_**Bella**_

I liked Rosalie. Unlike the rest of her coven she didn't seem to be afraid of me, pity me, or look at me like I was some mysterious object that had fallen from space. I followed her back to the house running happily now that my body wasn't revolting against me. I made no promises to stay there but I would go for now. I couldn't really decided if I wanted force myself into that coma-like state I'd been in all these years again. Being alone still wasn't particularly appealing to me so my only other option at the moment was Crazy Cullen Coven.

When we got back to the massive three story home with the glass wall from the ground to the ceiling, I realized just how white it was. The color was perfect, just like the walls of an insane asylum. The others were sitting around the living room when we came in. The big one came over to Rosalie and gave her a bear hug that lifted her off her feet. She giggled and hugged him back as he whispered some of the foulest words I'd ever heard in her ear.

She liked that?

I stepped away from them even though it wouldn't stop me from hearing or seeing their public display. I moved to sit on the stair case as I watched the rest of them. I'd never seen anything like them. Jasper and Alice were sitting on the couch all cuddled up and watching TV. Carlisle was pouring over a huge book as Esme sat at his feet drawing something with her head rested against his knee. Edward was sitting at a beautiful ivory baby grand but he wasn't playing. He was watching me.

"_Is staring no longer rude?" _I thought at him and added a glare for good measure.

A slow smile spread across his face before he looked away from me and began to play. I couldn't decide what was more beautiful, the music he was producing or the brilliant smile he'd just flashed me. For my own good, I convinced myself it was the music. I turned my attention back to his family. Rosalie had sprawled out on the loveseat on her back and Emmett sat on the floor close to her head. She began absently running her fingers through his dark curly hair.

They were all so…_affectionate_, well except for Edward who seemed to be the odd man out. It was odd watching them and I didn't know exactly what to make out it. I felt like I was watching some fucked up version of the Brady Bunch where all the kids decided to just get married right along with their parents…and Alice decided to play piano instead of cook and clean.

I looked over at Edward to see him scowling at me but I simply shrugged in response. I continued my survey but this time started taking in the rest of the house and all the strange things inside it. Apparently a lot could change in thirty six years. I'd gotten a peek at the cars outside and they were very different from the ones I remembered. Smaller and sleeker. The TV was flat, huge, hanging from the wall like a painting, and connected to a bunch of other machines. There was a desk in the corner with another slender screen on top of it, again connected to other machines. Was it a mini TV?

"It's a computer," Edward said answering my thoughts.

I glanced at him before looking back at it. Edward walked over to it and beckoned me to follow him and I did instantly, propelled by curiosity alone. I listened with rapt attention as Edward worked the computer pointing out and explaining things like mouses, processors, printers, and keyboards. He told me all about the internet and the things you could do with it, which was just about everything. I was fascinated to say the very least.

"What's that?" I asked pointing to the only add on to the computer that Edward had not explained. It was connected by a thin white cord and the gadget itself was slender and black with a small screen and the picture of a bitten apple on the back.

"This is an iPod. You can take music from the computer and upload onto it," he told me.

I watched as he disconnected it from and then plugged another cord into the bottom. It was long and the other end split in two with little weird circular things on the end. "These are earphones. Put them in your ears," he instructed.

I did so hesitantly and he moved his thumb around a circle in the center before pressing the bottom part that had the symbol for play on it. Instantly music filled my ears and I gasped in shock. The computer was great, no doubt, but this thing…this iPod… was the best thing since sliced bread.

_**Edward**_

"_Edward!" _Bella's thoughts exclaimed. _"This is…amazing! The iPod and the music! Who is this?" _

"Norah Jones."

"_Her voice…she's talented."_

I opened my mouth to respond when I realized that Bella was communicating with me through her thoughts. My family and I did it all the time so it didn't strike as odd as first. The thing was, I'd never told Bella that I was a mind reader…

"You knew I could read minds?" I asked looking up at her and drawing the attention of the rest of my family. "How?"

Bella's eye widened in shock as she mentally berated herself for being careless. She sighed in defeat though knowing that sooner or later we would have found out. She crossed her arms and shrugged her shoulders.

"I'm gifted as well," she said. "I have an immediate understanding of a vampire's gifts and I can manipulate them in any way I please."


	4. Chapter 4

_**Bella**_

What was I thinking? Too much and not at all at the same time. Clearly I had learned nothing from my mistakes. So quickly I was falling back into my old habits and yet I was doing nothing to change that. I was voluntarily slipping down a slippery slope and fast. I owed this coven nothing, nothing at all, yet when Edward asked me a question I felt compelled to answer him.

"What does that mean exactly," he asked me.

I glanced around and noticed that I had the attention of everyone in the room. I didn't like it, but the fact that I had my speed, agility, and plenty chances of escape in this room made me feel a little better, a little more in control. I looked back at Edward and mulled over how much I should say.

"Bella we had the perfect opportunity to hurt you when you were lying immobile upstairs for three weeks. Don't you think if we wanted to hurt you, we would have done so already," he asked.

"If you were smart, you wouldn't have. It's senseless to kill a vampire before you know what you can gain by keeping it," I replied.

I reluctantly took the buds from my ears and moved away from Edward. The whole room watched me as I situated myself beside the door and it unnerved me. I decided to answer just to get the attention off me.

"What I mean is that the second I come into contact with another vampire, I know what their gift is. Let's take Edward for example," I began nodding in his direction. "When he came into the room the night I was brought here I knew instantly that he was a mind reader. I knew that he could hear every mind within a two and half mile radius. I know that the longer he's around a person the farther out he can hear them, but he maxes out at seven miles. He can hear their thoughts in the same voice in which that person speaks and in what speed or volume they're thinking in," I said rattling off everything I knew about Edward's gift. I could see out the corner of my eyes that he was staring at me slack jawed. I took an unnecessary deep breath and kept going.

"So I can take all these things I know and change them. I can control how loud he hears the thoughts, who's thoughts, how much he hears, how far, the speed in which he hears, or the fact that he hears at all," I explained simultaneously messing with his gift to demonstrate to him what I meant as I spoke.

"Oh my God," he breathed in what I guessed was awe. "When you're thoughts were blurred earlier? You sped them up so that I couldn't hear exactly what you were thinking?" he asked.

I nodded my head, "Yes."

"What about when you first awoke and you were assessing all of us? You were thinking so fast but I caught every word," he said.

"I didn't muddle your gift then. I wanted you to know you that I was aware of the situation I was in," I told him before continuing my explanation. "Then in the case of let's say Emmett…"

"Wait a minute," Jasper cut me off. "Emmett doesn't have a gift."

"Every vampire has a gift. It may not be supernatural but there is something special in everyone," I said. "A gift is nothing but a quality that was more substantial in us when we were human that just enhances like our senses when we change. Jasper am I wrong in saying that when you were human you found it very easy to influence people. Make them sad, happy, or angry?" I asked.

He glanced at Carlisle before hesitantly nodding his head in the affirmative.

"When you changed that aspect of yourself enhanced into something supernatural. Now Emmett when _you_ were human were you always a cheerful guy? Had a lot of strength?" I asked turning my attention to the huge vampire beside Rosalie.

"Yea," he basically bellowed proudly with a huge grin. I sighed fearing I would never get used to the sonic boom of his voice.

"Well when you changed those things were enhanced. Since you had nothing that could translate into a supernatural sense two of your strongest qualities became your gift," I told him. "But in vampires like Emmett their gifts are a little more abstract. I can only make him intensify or lessen his strength and the same with his lightheartedness," I told them.

"Well fuck me," Emmett said seemingly in awe just as Edward had been.

"Bella…," Carlisle began. "That is quite a gift you have. I've had my own theories about vampiric gifts as well. I had concluded something close to that. I knew that Edward, Jasper, and Alice must have some predisposition when they were human. I just never figured the same was for the rest of us," he said.

"We really all have gifts?" Rosalie asked.

I nodded my head, now feeling a little embarrassed because I knew what her next question would be.

"What's mine?" she asked confirming my thoughts.

"You're protectiveness and loyalty," I said and kept going down the line of Cullens. I hoped Rosalie or anyone wouldn't figure out that I had used my gifts to keep her close to me. I didn't know how she would take it and she was the only Cullen I felt comfortable with. I didn't want her to be angry with me. "Carlisle's gift is his control and his power, his authoritativeness rather. Esme is gifted with her compassion and tenderness," I said.

Carlisle smiled down at his mate lovingly and kissed the top of her head. So sweet. So strange.

"Is it really true that no vampire has the same gift then?" Edward asked.

"I haven't met every vampire but as far I can tell yes. Some people with more abstract gifts may have one alike but never the same combination," I answered.

I hoped this round of questioning would end soon. I wasn't comfortable talking so much about my gift. Nothing good ever came of it, I would really have to be on my toes now that they knew.

"Oh! I'd better get going," Carlisle sighed suddenly standing up from his chair after glancing at his watch.

"You're going to go to work?" Esme asked.

"I have a heart transplant at 7:00am. I need to be there," he replied. "It's probably best that you all go to school as well. I don't believe Bella needs a baby sitter," he continued, his eyes resting on Rosalie a beat longer than everyone else. She opened her mouth to reply but then closed it again. She nodded her head and Carlisle went off to get ready for work.

A part of me was excited to see how this coven operated. I wished I could tail every last one of them and observe their alien behavior. I had to use ever last bit of my strength not follow Carlisle up the stairs. He was back a second later though with a black leather medical bag. It reeked of chemicals and hospital smells. I wrinkled my nose at the stench and he smiled down at me.

"You get used to after a while," he remarked with a shrug.

"How long is a while?" I asked in disgust.

"About a century."

"I could believe it."

He smiled again before bidding everyone goodbye and kissing Esme…yet again. Shortly after he left the "kids" began to get ready for school. This time I did tail Rosalie and her enormous husband to their bedroom, only at Rosalie's beckoning though. Once we were inside her bedroom she went into her closet which was the almost the same size as the bedroom while Emmett went into the bathroom and began to shower.

"Esme will be here all day so you won't have to be all alone. Are you okay with that?" she asked me.

"Yea," I nodded. I wasn't in the least worried about Esme harming me.

"The room we were in earlier is basically yours now for as long as you're here. Alice has stocked the closet with clothes and all of them are yours if you want shower and change," she told me. I nodded my head but I was only half listening.

I was more so paying attention to her painting her nails, styling her hair and doing her make-up. She was putting a lot of care into making herself more beautiful than she already was. I watched as she changed her clothes and dressed in a tiny skirt and a fitted top that showcased her cleavage. She finally donned heels that made her almost as tall as her husband. I could never imagine myself dressing like that, not with so many males around. I began to admire Rosalie for her boldness.

Emmett came out of the bathroom fully dressed and sat, dropping himself unceremoniously, on the bed. He stared at me with curious eyes just long enough to make me want to leave the room and my skin crawl.

"So you can say you can make me stronger, huh?" he finally asked.

"Yes," I replied narrowing my eyes at him in suspicion.

"How strong?"

"Stronger than you or anyone needs to be," I replied reaching out and getting a taste of his capability again. "You could bench press a little over 350 ton at max."

A nearly smiled at the way his eyes widened threatening to pop right out of his head.

"Can we test that out?" he asked.

"What the hell are we going to find for you to lift that ways that much without raising suspicion!" Rosalie snapped at him. He pouted like a child scorned and shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm sure we could find something," he grumbled.

Edward appeared at the door shaking his head at Emmett. I glanced up at him and all his glory. He had changed into a pale grey t-shirt that was fitted just enough to hint at his muscular chest. His reddish brown hair was in beautiful disarray and I so desperately wanted to ran my fingers through it. I had to stay disciplined though, so I kept my hands to myself.

"I highly doubt it," Edward said before turning his gaze to me. He stretched his hand out to me. My first instinct was to not let him land his strike. His brows knit in confusion as I dodged what I now realized was a nonexistent attack.

"No one is going to hurt you, Bella," Rosalie said softly placing her hand on my shoulder. I glanced back at Edward's hand and saw that he was holding an iPod but it was different from the one I had listened to earlier.

"I just thought you'd want to keep listening while we were gone," he said. "This one is an older one of mine. It has about 1,000 songs on it," he told me.

I nodded my head and took it from his hand, "Thank you."

"No problem," he smiled. He turned to leave and Rosalie and Emmett followed after him. Soon the house was only occupied by Esme and I. I could hear her still in the living room drawing. I waited for her to say something to me and when she didn't I decided that a shower sounded like a good idea. I left Rosalie's bedroom and made my way up to Edward's. I knew that the clothes I was wearing were his. His scent were all over them and I wasn't ready to part with it yet. He smelled so fantastic and it had somewhat of a calming effect on me. Rosalie had just told Alice had bought me clothes but I was sure that they would all be super feminine clothes I would never even consider wearing. I wasn't even going to bother looking at them.

I went straight to Edward's closet and found a pair of khaki pants and white long sleeve button up shirt. I took them and went to shower in the adjoining bathroom of my bedroom. I showered for who knows how long. I couldn't remember the last time I'd just stood under a hot streaming shower. The shower head was square hanging from the ceiling so that the water fell straight down on me. It was like a waterfall or rain and I loved it dearly. When I finally got out of the shower, I dried off with a thick soft towel and grabbed Edward's clothes. I pressed them to my nose before putting them on, letting the magic of his fragrance settle me. I knew that I was already heading in dangerous territory with Edward but I just couldn't help myself.

I dressed in his clothes and decided to go outside with Esme. I'd spotted the garden in back of the house when Rosalie and I went for our run and knew that Esme had to be responsible for it. I didn't think Alice or Rosalie were the type to play in dirt. I walked out of the stark white house happy to finally see vibrant colors again. I spotted Esme instantly dressed in a pretty yellow sundress with a straw hat on and garden gloves. It was pathetic how dainty she looked, the stereotypical housewife. How could she live with herself?

_**Esme**_

Bella came out of the house after showering, wearing another outfit plucked from Edward's closet. I wondered why that was but didn't really want to ask her. I watched out of the corner of my eye as she watched me. I felt so sorry for the poor girl. Even though vampires had a never ending supply of energy, I couldn't imagine how much it took for her to be constantly taking a survey of her surroundings, who was around her, and trying to plot out all possible escape routes.

I knew what it was like to never feel safe and it was something that I would never wish on another person. I didn't know how long Bella planned to stay with us, because it seemed as if she was about to head for the hills at any moment, but I had decided it would be my mission to help her. I didn't know her past or just how severely it had affected her but I made a vow to myself to help her in any tiny way that I could.

"Hello dear," I said after giving her time to take in her surroundings.

"Hello," she replied in her small wispy voice.

"I love flowers. Always have, even when I was human I spent a lot time gardening," I told her.

"You remember your human life?" she asked me curiously. I glanced over at her and nodded my head with a smile.

"So much of it," I said. "Not many of the others do. Alice doesn't remember anything at all. Carlisle, Edward, Jasper, and Emmett remember very little. But Rosalie remembers just as I do," I continued. "What about you?"

She sighed heavily and took a step closer to me. "I remember everything and I wish I did not. I've never met another vampire who remembers like I do. I envy them," she told me her voice dropping in volume.

She already spoke so low and even with my enhanced hearing I now had to really pay attention to catch every word. I stopped weeding the dirt around my hydrangeas and looked at her. Her eyes were unfocused and distant as she stared at the flowers. Her sorrow was so clear in her eyes and whatever she was thinking of clearly haunted her.

"Is it your family that you miss?" I asked.

"I don't know. Family is…not healthy. The attachments, the need for it, can be very…debilitating. Another opportunity for a weakness to take hold. I should be grateful that I am free of that now," Bella said.

I couldn't decide if she was still talking to me or just thinking out loud but my heart broke at hearing her philosophy on family. Her outlook was so desolate. I wanted to take her in my arms, hold her tight, and tell her that she was safe with us. I wanted assure her that life didn't always have to be so bad, that things could and would get better she just had to be patient and not give up hope.

"Bella," I breathed. I moved to place my hand on her knee but she flinched away from me glaring as she did. I retracted my hand but kept talking. "I don't know what happened to you, but I do know that things will get better. Your luck could change at any moment. You have to keep faith and remember that no matter how dark the night gets the sun will shine again," I said.

An amused but cold smirk slowly spread across Bella's face. She tilted her head as she looked at me as if I was a ignorant child or a naïve teenager.

"Oh Esme," she sighed. "Happiness can only be compared to day and night in terms of it's fleetingness. I see it more like a fist full of water. So easy to slip away no matter how many times or how tight you think you've grasped it. I may not be happy like you think you are but I think it's a small price to pay not to ever feel the disappointment when I open my hand and find it empty."


	5. Chapter 5

_**Edward**_

I'd always hated school. It was the most tedious aspect of my existence. Today however I found myself more eager than usual to be back home and of course the day dragged just to spite me. The minutes passed like entire days and my impatience soon morphed into irritation. I kept wondering what Bella was doing, was she getting along with Esme, would she even still be there when we got back? I really hoped that she would be.

I sat at the lunch table with my siblings but hardly acknowledged their presence. My leg bounced underneath the table as I mercilessly picked apart the bun of my cheeseburger. The minds around me were a distant buzz in the back of my mind as my own thoughts of Bella took front and center. I could see her beautiful face, her angry, angelic, anxious, sweet face. And as much as I didn't want to acknowledge them I could see the scars as well. They were scattered along her elegant neck, her jaw, and there was even a bite mark encircling her left eye. Quickly my emotions started turning toward anger. I mean, who the hell could even think about marring her perfect face? I wanted to kill every single vampire that had ever harmed her, that had ever even considered laying a hand on her...

_"Edward!"_ Jasper's thoughts shouted pulling me from my reverie.

My eyes instantly found his and I could see my own anger dancing wildly in his._ "You really need to calm down! I've never felt this kind of aggression from you! I don't know what's got you worked up but you need to focus on the here and now. You're fingers are moving way too fast and your foot has dented the floor. You keep going like this and we'll be exposed before the day is out," _he admonished.

I nodded my head once in his direction before glancing down at the destroyed bun on my tray. It had been reduced to nothing but bread dust. I took a deep breath and sat back slumping into my seat trying to calm myself down. I didn't even understand why I was so consumed with this vampire or why her beauty stood out and outshone any other that I'd seen. She had been like a magnet for me from the very first night Rosalie had brought her into our home and it had only gotten stronger with each passing day.

The last remaining two hours of school finally concluded and I made my way to the car as fast as humanly possible trying not to raise anymore suspicion. I pushed my poor Volvo harder than I'd ever had in order to get home as quickly as possible. As I made the turn on the road that lead to our house, I sighed with relief as I picked up on two minds inside the house.

Esme was cleaning the windows but her mind was oddly enough focused on her human life and how it contrasted with her vampire life. She thought about unhappy she had been before, how happy she was now, and would she ever be unhappy again. She was deep in her reverie wondering would there ever come a time where Carlisle or any of her children would be taken away from her. And oddly enough she kept imagining herself waist deep in a lake trying to grasp the water around her. These thoughts coming from her troubled me. They were darker than I was used to from her and more than a little unsettling.

I turned my attention to Bella's mind. I instantly realized that she had addled my gift. I could hear no thoughts at all coming from her but I could see through her eyes. She was sitting on the floor in the same room as Esme watching her intently. Her eyes were focused on the absent yet woeful expression on my mother's face. I wanted to know more than anything what Bella was thinking, what she made of Esme's sorrowful mood, and why she was focused on her so entirely.

As I parked the car I turned to Jasper's mind as he took in the moods around him. Sure enough he could feel nostalgia, dread and mourning from Esme but from Bella he was feeling regret, guilt, and a strange sense of accomplishment. Jasper sent a strong surge of peace through the house right away and Esme appeared at his side the second she received it. She smiled up at him and rose on her toes as she pulled his face down to hers. She kissed his forehead and caressed his face.

"My son," she murmured as she Jasper smiled bemused yet worried about Esme. He however did not voice his concerns.

I was worried about Esme as well and I felt like a complete ass for not going to her first but I'd been waiting all day to get to Bella and my legs carried me to her of their own volition responding to the magnetism Bella inspired. I found her in her bedroom seated on the window seat in her room, her bottom resting on her calves. She looked at me concentrating on my face but allowing me nothing of her thoughts.

"My clothes again?" I asked taking in her appearance and feeling a bit smug that she clearly had a preference for my clothing. A small part of me was turned on as well but I didn't want to linger on that.

She glanced down at her attire and ran her fingers over the fabric of the pants before shrugging. "I like the smell. Alice's style is very different from my own. I feel more comfortable in this," she replied.

I took a step inside the room and slowly made my way over to her. I didn't want to alarm her and it seemed that my exaggerated slow movements were appreciated. I saw through her eyes as she watched every step and swing of my arms. I watched as her body tensed to prepare herself to attack or evade at any moment. When I finally reached the window seat, I sat but left plenty of space between us.

"I watched you," she said. "When you got out of the car, you moved so quickly. I was impressed."

I smiled feeling contradictorily modest and proud at the same time. Her compliment meant more to me than any other I'd ever received yet I was glad that I could impress her. I knew that I was faster than most but before it had just been another part of me. Now it felt like some highly regarded talent or achievement.

"Thanks," I replied with a slight smile.

"My sire was fast as well. It was one of her gifts, so was her trust," Bella said. Her eyes had taken on a far off look. I could see the pain that came along with recalling the past for her. I wanted so badly to know what she had survived, what she had seen, and what had broken her. Anyone could see that she had demons and that they tortured her constantly. I wanted to take that away. I wanted to soothe and comfort her.

"You said she was dead before. What happened to her?" I whispered.

Bella leaned her head against the window and heaved a great sigh as she looked out into the yard. Her blood red irises glazed over with tears she would never shed.

"I killed her," she told me.

I stifled a gasp at her confession. I didn't know what to make of it. I couldn't fathom ever lifting my hand to Carlisle let alone actually killing him. I didn't know the relationship between Bella and her sire so I reserved any real judgment on the matter until I knew more. I refused to believe Bella was a heartless murderer. If she killed her sire there had to have been some sort of provocation.

"I loved her so much but I was so gullible. Changed too young and in result perpetually naïve. I flipped her gift, made her completely sluggish and intensified her trust. She was terribly disadvantaged. It took no effort at all to end her," Bella murmured.

Her face crumbled with despair and I instantly reached and placed my hand over hers in an effort to console her. When our skin touched though, a tingling shock passed over my body and down my spine. I gasped and Bella leapt away from me letting me know that she'd felt it as well. I opened my mouth to apologize even though I hadn't done it on purpose and the sensation had not been unpleasant. In fact it had been quite the opposite.

"I'm...," I began but she cut me off with a dismissive wave of her hand.

"I need to hunt," she said and instantly vanished from the room.

_**Rosalie**_

I sat on the couch not meaning to eavesdrop on Edward and Bella, but it was impossible not to overhear them. Their voices were low but that did nothing to hinder the superior hearing of vampires. I felt better about my listening in on their obviously private conversation when I looked around me and realized that everyone else was listening as well as Bella told Edward what she had done to her sire.

I could hear the pain in her voice clear as day and I was glad that I did not have to be in the room to see it on her face too. I could only imagine the devastation. Bella had only been a part of our lives for a very short amount of time but I really wanted us to be friends. I loved Alice and Esme, of course. They were wonderful women but I was so different from them. It seemed that Bella had a personality closer to my own. I had it great with the Cullens but life was not always roses and rainbows and it seemed that Bella understood that more than anybody. Alice and Esme were always so happy but that just wasn't me. Sometimes I just wanted to bitch and wallow but I'd always feel guilty about putting a damper on things. With Bella that would not be a problem, I felt that we were kindred spirits of sorts.

When she announced that she needed to hunt, I decided that I would go with her. My family all stared at me incredulously as I strode to the door with Bella.

"I'm not going to dine _with_ her. I'm just going along for company and to make sure she's far enough away," I told them.

I didn't wait for their responses before leaving out. We set out at a run heading north for the Canadian border.

"You sure you don't want to join me? Rejoin the world of the sane?" she asked smirking at me.

I rolled my eyes but couldn't help a small giggle as well. She wasn't the first to find our lifestyle utterly mad.

"No thanks. It's actually not so bad being insane," I replied.

"I'll take your word for it."

We ran all the way to Vancouver where Bella pulled out a pair of sunglasses and used them to cover her eyes.

"Shades," Bella nodded. "Alice has very good taste in these at least."

"Alice has good taste in everything. You're wearing Edward's clothes but Alice picked them out. I'm pretty sure she'd be happy to replace your wardrobe with all men's clothing. She just likes to shop," I replied as we hit the downtown area.

All around us humans took second glances at us. Bella and I were easily the most beautiful women in a million mile radius. I kept my head held high and played up my role as the Beautiful Bitch, it never got old. We walked around for a long time before turning down a quiet street.

"Him," Bella suddenly hissed beside me. The corners of her mouth turned up in mirthless smile as her eyes zeroed in on her prey. I followed her gaze and spotted a middle aged man dressed in simple jeans and shirt. He was in an alley emptying a trash can into a dumpster. He appeared to an employee of one the restaurants lining the alley. Bella took a quick glance around to make sure that no was around and then attacked.

In hindsight it probably was not a good idea for me to go along with Bella. I watched her feed in a mixture disgust, awe, envy, fear, anger, and grief. To Bella's credit, she did not allow the man to suffer. She killed him the instant she reached him, quickly snapping his neck. His death was swift and painless, but to watch a man with already such a short life die as Bella drained him while she moaned as if having sex was disgusting.

I thought back to the way I'd derived pleasure from killing my fiancé and his friends. It was the sweetness that only revenge could give you. He had wronged me and I was simply paying him back. This man had done nothing to Bella. He was just a man in the middle of his work day. For all we knew, he could have been an amazing man, father, son, and brother, yet there Bella was enjoying the taking of his life.

His body hung limply but she held him to her chest, one arm around his back and the other supporting his head. I could smell his open blood and my throat burned hotter than it had in a very long time. It was torturous and I wanted to taste him so badly. I hated myself for wanting to rip him away from her and have him for myself. I knew that I should have just run away but I couldn't will my body to move and I could not stop my mind from rationalizing.

We couldn't all be like Carlisle. I'd killed before, but I'd never tasted human blood. One little taste would not corrupt me. Everyone else had drained plenty of people. I just wanted a little tiny drop from one man. I just wanted to know what it tasted like, how it compared with animal blood. I wondered what Carlisle say if I told him I only did it as an experiment. He was all about gaining acknowledge.

I found myself inching toward Bella and her prey. My body refused to listen at the tiny voice in my head pleading with it not to do this. I felt insane, scared, and more than anything else I was thirsty.

Fortunately before I could get to them, Bella had drained him completely. She detached her mouth from his neck throwing her head back with strangled noise somewhere between a growl and a whimper. She dropped to her knees still cradling him, only now she was looking down into his face and running her fingers through his hair. I could only see her profile but the look on her face made me stop in my tracks. She looked as if she was in considerable pain.

I watched in confusion as she reached into his pocket and extracted his wallet. She opened it and glanced at his driver's license before turning her attention back to him. She rested her cheek along his and began murmuring to him. She spoke so low that I couldn't make out what she said to him. I was intrigued to know what she was saying but I felt as if I was intruding on an intimate moment. I finally regained control over my body and turned away from her to her some semblance of privacy.

A couple minutes later I heard her deposit his body in the dumpster he had just emptied trash into before she appeared at my side. We didn't say anything to each other as we ran back toward Forks. I felt an urgent need to be in my husband's arms. Witnessing Bella feed had affected me in a way that I was not prepared for and I just wanted to be wrapped in Em's huge arms. He had the power to make me feel better no matter what the situation.

_**Jasper**_

"Rosie will be just fine," Emmett said for the millionth time. I knew that he was saying it for his own benefit more than anybody else's. I could feel his worry the second Rosalie had stood to go with Bella. To be honest, I could feel the worry coming from everyone in the house. I wanted to calm everyone down but since I was worried as well, that was not such an easy feat. It was a very bad idea for Rosalie to accompany Bella and I was pretty sure everyone knew that. Rosalie however was a very stubborn woman and it would be a waste of time trying to dissuade her from doing something she wanted to.

"Of course she will," Alice replied with a smile to aid him in his attempts at self-assurance.

She sat beside him and patted his large hand her with her tiny one. The contrast in size was comical and I would have laughed if I wasn't so overwhelmed with worry. The two women were gone for a relatively short time. They made it back to the house in a little over five hours. Rosalie burst through the front door with Bella right on her tail. I gasped and groaned as their emotions hit me like tsunami waves. Alice was at my side in an instant supporting me and rubbing my face with concern was etched into her own.

Rosalie had crashed into Emmett and he embraced her instantly, holding her body to his as she sagged against him. Confusion, thirst, vulnerability, and disappointment pulsed through her and into me. Her emotions had been intense but diminished greatly the second her body came into contact with Emmett's.

It was Bella though that was causing my the distress. I had never in all my years felt the amount of remorse, guilt, shame, and depression that I could feel from her in that moment. Underneath it all though was a substantial amount of acceptance and resignation. Her emotions sent me reeling and I couldn't even begin to try and influence anything else on her.

"I'm sorry," Bella murmured keeping her eyes trained on an obviously distraught Rosalie. "I never thought...," she continued but Emmett cut her off.

"What the fuck did you do to her," he growled.

I felt a surge of fear from Bella and it was visible on her face and in her actions as she shrank away from him and pressed her back against the wall.

Bella opened her mouth to speak again but Rosalie spoke first. She placed her hands against her husband s chest.

"She didn't do anything, Em!" Rosalie exclaimed looking between him and Bella. "You have nothing to apologize for Bella."

Suddenly I was cut off from not only Bella's emotions but everyone else's as well. I could tell that Edward and Alice had been stripped of their gifts as well as they gasped in what I could only assume was shock. I felt naked and bereft without my gift and it was not a feeling I enjoyed. I glared at Bella as my anger flared. I knew that it was a bad idea to have kept her here.

"You had to have done something!" I exclaimed. "I've never seen Rosalie affected that way...or Esme for that matter!"

"Jasper what are you talking about?" Alice asked.

"I know you all could see how upset Rosalie just was but earlier today when we came home from school Esme was extremely upset. Dismayed, anxious, and fearful. It could have only been Bella's doing. We leave her alone with Esme for one day and look what s she done!" I exclaimed.

Bella opened her mouth to speak again but Esme cut her off before she could even get anything out.

"Bella didn't do anything to me!" Esme said. "We merely had a conversation that gave me some things to think about. I enjoyed my time with Isabella today, Jasper!"

"I'm with Jasper. We can't be sure that, that girl hasn't messed with you both somehow. I think it's best that she leaves. She's trouble," Emmett spoke up.

Rosalie rounded on him and punched him in the arm. "She is not!"

"Rosalie and Esme are fine! Jasper is paranoid and so are you, Emmett. I never took either you for cowards, but clearly you are. Bella needs us. She's led a life very different from our own. She may be troubled but she is not trouble," Edward seethed.

I slowly felt my gift returning to me and was shocked by just how much hostility was in the room. Our family had never argued like this before and it was all because of Bella Swan. I glanced over at her and saw that she was still pressed against the wall. I was surprised to feel that she was the only person in the room who was not angry. She was panicking. Her hands were clasped over her ears and her eyes were shut tight. She was shaking her head and mumbling something but I couldn't understand what. I was confused my her reaction to what was going on. Before I could do anything else, she shot out of the house running away at full speed.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Jasper**_

Silence ensued as we all stared at the front door that had been ripped off the hinges in Bella's haste to get away. No one moved for what seemed like years but in all actually was just a minute. All around me I could feel the shock and shame of my family. Edward was the first to run out after Bella. Emmett clamped his hands tight around Rosalie in an attempt to restrain her from doing the same. She wasn't having it though as pushed him off her and slapped him across the face. She took off after Esme who had also left to go and catch Bella.

Emmett groaned and plopped down on the couch before burying his face in his hands. I could feel his frustration but I was more so paying attention to the disappointment coming from beside me. I glanced down at my wife and found her with her arms crossed over her chest. Her eyes were unfocused, so I knew she was looking into the future.

"Will they catch her?" I asked.

Alice sighed and shrugged her shoulders as her eyes regained their focus. "She's too confused. I'm seeing too many possible outcomes to know for sure or even how to advise the others to proceed," she answered.

Alice walked away from me and started toward the door. I could still feel her disappointment and I knew that it was for me. I was overwhelmed with guilt. She had never been disappointed in me before and I didn't like it. I had to make things better.

"Alice...," I called but trailed off not knowing exactly what else to say. She turned around slowly to face me and shrugged her shoulders in exasperation.

"It's not just you," she said. "I'm disappointed in Emmett too."

"I'm sorry," I whispered not being able to meet her eyes anymore.

Alice picked up the front door and leaned it against the wall before going to find some hinges to replaced the ones that were now ruined.

"She said that a vampire's gift is just an enhancement of their strongest quality as a human. Her gift is to manipulate she s _manipulative._ How can you so easily trust someone like that?" I asked.

Alice appeared in front of me and I was shocked by her sudden anger. It faded quickly though as she looked into my eyes and cupped my face in her small hand.

"Your gifts is not so different from hers, my love," she whispered. "The only difference is that you manipulate emotions. Maybe she doesn't trust you either, but she's never taken an aggressive step toward you or any of us despite her violent background. She's scared, Jasper. I know that you know that. If I can see in her eyes, then I know you can feel it. Am I wrong?"

I sighed as my own guilt intensified. She was completely right. Bella's emotions were everywhere and changing all the time. The one was that remained strong and constant was her fear though. I felt like an asshole and a hypocrite because of course my gift was to manipulate too when you really thought about it. I just preferred to use the word _influence_. It just sounded better.

"I'm sorry," I repeated.

"I told you that I saw no trouble from Bella. Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I do, Ali!"

"Then why are you behaving this way?"

"Because she could make you see anything she wants. We can never be sure of ourselves with her around," I said.

Alice sighed again and wrapped her arms around my waist. "You're very right, but she can only affect my visions. She can't affect my intuition. My gut tells me to trust her, that we need her just as much she needs us. And if you trust me you should trust that too."

"...Okay."

Alice smiled before giving me a brief but loving kiss. She turned from me to face Emmett and put her hands on her hips.

"As for you Emmett, you had better get reacquainted with Rosie Palmer because you'll be lucky if Rosalie even looks at you within the next month."

_**Bella**_

I had no idea where I was going nor did I care. I just had to get away. I couldn't take the yelling, the noise, the anger. It was silly and unwarranted. They had a problem and I could fix it by just leaving. I took to the woods running erratically, looping around and going in different directions, zigzagging and climbing trees to scatter my scent. I wasn't sure if they would come after me or not but if they did they wouldn't know which way to go. I ran non-stop until I found myself in a place where the snow reached my fucking knees. Maybe I was in Canada? Alaska?

I dropped to the ground and leaned my back against an ancient tree as I pulled my knees to my chest. The snow was so deep and I felt cocooned and protected by it even though I knew I wasn't. I reached into the pocket of Edward's pants and pulled out the iPod that he had let me use. I stuffed the little buds in my ear and continued listening to a band called Explosions in the Sky that I had discovered earlier in the day and quickly fell in love with. I closed my eyes and let the music carry me away.

I knew that it was probably a bad idea to stay stationary like I was. I didn't want to end up petrified again but I just didn't know what else to do. I was alone and I never did good with alone. Where was I supposed to go? What was I supposed to do? Roam the earth all by my lonesome? I could try to find a coven but who knows how long that would take and then what if that didn't work out. It's very hard for vampires to get along and I just wanted to find some peace. I knew that, that would be hard to come by though and before I knew it my thoughts had taken a bleak turn.

Did it even really matter if I turned to stone again? What was the worst that could happen? A vampire would find me and not be as sympathetic as Rosalie and destroy me. A human would find me and think I was simply a human who had frozen to death. Neither of these things scared me or made me feel less inclined to just sit in this snow for the rest of eternity. The only real thing that saddened me was that this iPod would eventually die and that there would be no music to hold me.

I sat still for about three hours before I felt it and my body grew even more rigid in response. A mind reader was approaching me. A very familiar mind reader. He was about three miles out and I knew that since he was not all that accustomed to my mind yet he would not hear me for a few more seconds. When he was in range I left his gift untainted so that he could hear me.

_"Please just leave me alone."_

His advance slowed but he was still coming this way. I didn't know what I would do if he reached me. I knew that I could not outrun him and that it would take a lot to convince him to just go away. Besides if I was totally honest with myself I wasn't sure that I would be able to tell him no if he asked me to go back with him. My will power around Edward was not what it should have been, but with my predisposition for clinginess I was not surprised by this.

Edward continued forward until he was within hearing range for me. "I just want to talk to you, Bella," he told me.

I shook my head not knowing if he could see me from where he was or not, "_No."_

"I just want to make sure that you're alright. I want to see you," he pled.

The desperation in his voice was all it took to tear at my resolve. He hadn't even been there a minute and I was ready to given in to his wishes. It was like I didn't even have a resolve to begin with. I mentally kicked myself for being so pathetic and tried to steel myself against him again.

_"I promise that I am alright. I appreciate everything your coven has done for me but it's time that I move on now."_

"You are not pathetic, Bella."

This was the downfall of having a mind reader around. He was privy to all aspects of the conversation, even the asides that were in your head and not even directed at them. I had to close him out at least partially. I adjusted him so that the only thoughts he could hear were the ones that meant for him in way of communication.

"Please let me see you," Edward continued his voice just a whisper and was almost carried away with the wind. I'd heard him though. I'd heard the sincerity and the urgency as well. I bent my head bringing my nose closer to the collar of the shirt I was wearing and found so little of his scent stilled lingered there. I missed it. My mind shifted to the reddish brown of his disheveled hair and sharp edge of his jaw.

_"...Fine."_

Edward was before me not even one second later. God, he was fast. I felt rather than saw his presence though for I kept my head tucked in the cradle of my arms.

"I'm sorry for the way my brothers behaved," he whispered causing me to look up at him in confusion.

"I'm the one that should apologize! As much as I hate to admit it, Jasper was right. I talked to Esme today and I saw how different she behaved afterward. I never meant for her to be upset or hurt by what I said. I just wanted to make her see that the good in our lives is only around for so long and that sometimes it's just an illusion," I replied. "I didn't mean to upset Rosalie either. I know that your family rebels against our natural way of life but I didn't think it would have had that affect on her to see me feed," I continued. "I _never_ meant to harm your coven."

Edward knelt before me and shook his head slowly as he held my gaze.

"You didn't harm Esme or Rosalie. They both said so themselves. Rosalie is a very strong woman and seeing her vulnerable like that made Emmett a little scared and angry, that's all. Jasper on the hand is not quick to trust and from what his sire told him on the Southern wars he just a bit uneasy about you," he tried to assure me.

"Everyone was so mad and that was my fault. I don't want to cause any trouble. I think it's best if I just keep away. You all were happy before me and you will be after because you surely were not during."

Edward sighed before dropping his head. When he looked back at me his eyes were so intense I gasped in surprise. His expression stirred something deep inside my stomach and made me squirm. It wasn't uncomfortable really, just foreign. Kind of like that sensation I received when he had touched my hand. His touch was electric but his gaze ignited a wild fluttering within me.

"I wasn't and I won't," he finally said. "I was miserable from the very second Carlisle changed me. Then Rosalie brought you into our home and I felt...content...serene...and just...better," he continued seemingly struggling to find the right words. "If you leave I don't think I'll feel like that anymore."

I didn't doubt that Edward believed what he said, but I didn't. How could I give him all those things? How could he even know that it was really me and not just a coincidence that his contentment arrived the same night I did. I refused to believe that he could derive such feelings from the hideously defaced statue that was me.

"Edward, I think you are mistaken...," I began but he cut me off.

"I _know_ that I am not," he countered fiercely. "I know it sounds crazy and I don't really understand it either but when I'm near you everything in my life just gets better."

I opened my mouth to protest again but suddenly his index and middle fingers are on my lips stopping their movement. The tingling sensation returned but this time it traveled down my body directly to my center giving way to a feeling I know all to well...

_Lust. _

I wanted to lick his fingers, suck them into my mouth, bite, lick, and taste them but I miraculously kept the wantonness inside me in check. Clearly Edward had not done this in a sexual manner. He simply wants me to shut up. I was ashamed and worried that that's where my mind went.

"Forget about me," he said with smile. "Rosalie really enjoys your company too. You haven't known her for as long as I have but let me assure that, that is a huge deal. She doesn't enjoy _anyone's_ company. Esme, Alice, Carlisle want you around. Emmett does as well. He likes you, he was just concerned for his mate earlier."

He dropped his fingers from my lips and I almost whimpered at the loss.

"Will you come back with me? I don't want you to be out here alone. I'll worry about you constantly."

I dropped my head to hide my face from him. I didn't him to see the scowl that was surely there. I knew that I was going to follow him back to Forks, that I was going to let a man overrule things that I'd already decided for myself. I hated that I was such a fool to be blinded by this man's beauty. I hated that I was so big of an idiot that I was going to voluntarily get myself into a situation that had broken me before. I unfolded my body and stood shouldering the weight of my imprudence, self-loathing, and stupidity as I made the journey back with Edward.

_**Rosalie**_

I stood across from the living staring out of the glass wall awaiting Bella's return. When Edward had called to tell us he'd found a solid trail on Bella, Alice had immediately phoned Esme and I to tell to fall back. She saw that Edward had the best chance of bringing her back. I'd reluctantly came back home and began to pace a hole in the floor. I was so worried. I knew that Bella could protect herself but I was scared that my brother would be unsuccessful.

I didn't calm down until Alice had assured me that she would return with Edward in exactly two minutes. It wasn't long before I saw them coming them way. I let out a sigh of relief and turned to face the front door. When they came in, I instantly saw the tension in Bella's body. Her eyes danced around noting everyone and their location. Her fists were clenched at her side and her jaw was set. She moved just enough away from the door to allow Edward to close it and then pressed her back against it.

I took a hesitant step forward and her eyes were on me in the same instant. She didn't give me any reason to believe that she wanted me to keep my distance so I strode directly over to her.

"My husband is an asshole. Sometimes you just gotta smack him upside the head and let it fly past you," I said.

Her eyes began to light up in that peculiar way that I came to realized was her very odd version of smiling.

Bella glanced at Emmett and nodded her head.

"Be gentle with me though," my idiot spoke up. "I get the feeling you could do serious damage with just a flick on the ear. I don't want to know what a full fledge smack from you would do."

I looked at him over my shoulder and saw that he was wearing that goofy grin of his. I didn't know about Bella, but I automatically forgave him. I mean seriously, with dimples like those, how could I not. He still wasn't getting any nookie any time soon but maybe I'd let him see my boob later on in the week...

"I'm not sure that gentle is in my vocabulary, Emmett," Bella replied impishly. Clearly he was forgiven by Bella as well which made me feel a lot better.

"Well Jasper can take a hit or two so don't be afraid to swing freely at him," Alice remarked.

Bella replied with a very dry "Hm," as her eyes landed on Jasper. It seemed that he had not been given the same pardon as Emmett. "You stay out of my way Empath and I'll stay out of yours."

Tension returned to the room with a vengeance as Bella glared at Jasper who simply nodded once in response. He turned and left the room and then the house entirely. After he left, Bella relaxed infinitesimally. She looked down at the iPod in her hands and then at Edward.

"It died on the way back," she whispered somewhat shyly.

He took a step forward and went to grab it from her but Bella quickly changed the position of her hand so that she would be able to simply drop it in his. It was lightening fast, but I saw the hurt flash in his eyes. He took the iPod and went to let it charge on the computer as Alice slowly approached Bella.

"Um, I don't know if Rose told you or not but I filled your closet with clothes. You don't have to wear Edward's," she said.

I tried to hold back my smile as I waited for Bella to reply. I couldn't wait to see the look on Alice's face.

"I really appreciate that you did that but I can't be comfortable in the clothes you chose," Bella said.

Alice's brow furrowed in confusion, "That's not possible. I know I got the right size. Everything fit you perfectly when you were incapacitated!"

"No, that's not what I meant," Bella shook her head. She glanced around the room and before settling her eyes back on Alice. "I prefer these clothes. I like the...smell and they are much more prudent."

I furrowed my brows. Bella liked Edward's scent? Sure he smelled great. We all did, but she wasn't shunning in her closet in favor of anyone else's closet trying to be wrapped in their scent all day. What was so special about him?

"The smell of cotton?" Alice asked. "I could buy you all cotton things if that's the case. I can totally relate. I'm partial to the smell of silk myself. You'll have to explain what you mean by prudent though...," Alice raved on like the mad fashion addict she was.

I'd never known Alice to be so damned dense! Of course Bella was not talking about the scent of cotton! I could see that Alice's enthusiasm was starting to make Bella uncomfortable or maybe even a little bewildered. I figured I could help her out.

"Alice!" I exclaimed ending her rambling. "Can you please just understand that Bella doesn't want to wear skirts and heels everyday? She's had a tough time and if Edward doesn't mind I think we should let her continue to wear his hand-me-downs," I said.

Alice huffed as her little pixie face crumpled into a frown. She glanced at Edward and then Bella.

"I don't mind at all," Edward said.

"I guess I'll just have up the ante on your wardrobe then," she grinned. "I'll start now!"

And just like that all was well as Alice danced away embarking on another shopping mission.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Edward**_

I stayed clear of my room as Hurricane Alice tore though my closet yet again to reorganize and incorporate my the new things she'd purchased to accommodate my shared wardrobe with Bella. I guess I should have found it odd that Bella would rather wear my clothes that completely drowned her instead of the clothes that would not only fit but flatter her. I didn't though because every time I saw her in my clothes it affected me in a wonderfully shameful way. It awakened reactions in my body that I thought never even existed. I was a pig for feeling that way and looking forward to each new day so that I could see what of mine she had changed into. I couldn't help myself though because after all I was a man.

Bella had been awake for a little over three weeks but we still knew so little about her. She wasn't forthcoming with details about herself; she was quiet, reflective, private, and something of a recluse. She stayed in her room perched on her window sill listening to her iPod throughout most of the day. She was very polite though and never turned anyone away if they asked permission to come into her room for a visit. When she wasn't in her room she was hunting, with Rosalie, or oddly enough I would randomly come up to find her in my room.

Those days were my favorites we would sit in my room listen to music, read, and just hang out. I never questioned her random presence in my room. I was too giddy over it to risk irritating or embarrassing her into not coming up anymore. Today, however was one of the days I hung out in her room. I looked over my laptop at her on the window seat as I sat on the couch.. I couldn't see her face at all because her body was slightly angled toward the window and away from me. The little sliver of her face that I would have been able to see was covered by the silken curtain of her mahogany hair.

We hadn't spoke much since I came in the room but that was fine with me. I just liked being around her. We'd gotten around to buying Bella her own iPod and she'd immediately filled all 16GB. I enjoyed discovering her eclectic taste in music. She listened to everything from Bon Iver to My Chemical Romance, from Taylor Swift to Tegan and Sara, and Fall Out Boy right down to Sade. Admittedly some of the things she liked, I didn't so much but I never mentioned that to her.

At the moment we were enjoying the cover of Landslide by The Dixie Chicks. I saw that she was in one of her despondent moods today. She was distracted I could tell because she wasn't focused on keeping me out. Every so often I would get a couple of minutes into her uncensored mind. Mostly she was singing the song in her head and thinking of a man. He was very tall and muscular with striking flaxen blonde curly hair that was contained in a short ponytail. His pale skin and red eyes let me know that he was a vampire. Every time I saw him in her mind, his expression was different: furious, happy, thoughtful, focused, lustful, adoring, wicked, and smug. Her thoughts of him were of a mixture of longing and hatred.

The longing she felt for him made me feel some kind of way. I had an instant distaste for him. I wanted to find him and rip him apart. Obviously he was someone from her past. Was he one of the people that had hurt and scarred her? Was he the reason she had hidden away for so long under that dock? My curiosity got the best of me and eventually I just had to ask. I knew there was a huge chance Bella would not answer but I at least at to try and find out his identity.

"Bella, who is that?" I asked. An image of the guy smiling formed in her mind. "Yea, him."

"Lucas. He was the commander of our army," she said keeping her face away from me.

My eyes widened in shock. I wasn't expecting that response.

"Do you...miss him," I asked.

She sighed wearily and hugged her knees tighter to her chest, "I don't know. I shouldn't, but I've been thinking about him all day."

"I know," I remarked dryly. She finally looked over at me with a quirked eyebrow. I couldn't help but smile sheepishly. "Was he killed?" I asked moving the conversation forward.

"He was alive the last time I saw him and I'm almost certain he still is. Creatures such as him aren't easily destroyed, unfortunately," she replied. "Gifted with his cunning and charm. Such a dangerous combination. I could have controlled him but I didn't want too. I was too in awe of him, beguiled and infatuated. He'd already conquered me before I even knew I _could _conquer him," she whispered.

Her mind was a whirlwind of memories of him holding her as he whispered sweet nothings in her ear and him lavishing her with gifts. She remembered him singing her praises and showering her with compliments of how beautiful she was, how strong of a fighter she was, and how happy she made him. She remembered singing and reading to him when they were alone at some beach.

She had said he was the leader of her troops but as I read her mind I knew that he was more, a lot more. Every time I saw him touching her and her enjoying it, it felt like bile was rising in my throat. He had no right to touch her! She didn't belong to him! My simple distaste quickly morphed into strong abhorrence. I didn't understand why I hated him so much or why I was in a blind rage all of a sudden. Bella didn't not belong to me either but I was totally consumed with animosity toward him. I hadn't even realized how tightly I was clutching my computer until it snapped in half. The loud crack brought me back to my right mind.

"Edward!" Bella exclaimed. She was beside me on the couch in an instant. "What the hell," she said looking between my demolished computer and my face.

"Um...," I responded dumbly not knowing how to explain how I'd let that happen. I hadn't loss control of my strength like that in decades.

Bella took the broken pieces of my laptop and threw them in the trash before coming back to join me on the couch again. I could still feel residual anger pulsing through me until Bella's finger was under my chin. My eyes fluttered closed as the weird electricity that ensued whenever we touched washed my fury away. She swiveled my face toward her as she knit her brows in confusion.

"What's going in in there," she asked bringing her finger up to tap against my temple.

"Nothing," I grumbled.

"You are a shit liar, Mind Reader," she admonished. "I don't like lies and I respect privacy. If I ask a question and you don't want to answer, just say so. I won't be offended."

I met her gaze and nodded my head. Bella had the ability to be both harsh and gentle at the same time. Her tone suggested that my simple lie had really bothered her but her eyes displayed a deep concern for what was bothering me. She sighed before dragging the finger that was on my temple down my face and along my jaw. Her touch was so light, slow and sensual. I couldn't stop my body from shuddering but I did stop myself from whimpering at the loss when her finger stopped at my chin and then dropped from my face.

"If that guy wasn't killed then, where is he? What happened to him," I asked needing to know more.

Bella looked and away from me and sighed as if my question had annoyed or exasperated her. When she looked at me again her eyes were very weary. I noticed that her mind was silent and I felt my own frustration building. She always cut me off at the worst moments. I wanted to know what was wrong with my question but knew better than to actually ask. I knew that by masking her thoughts she was telling me that whatever was in her head at the time was not for me to know.

"Edward, Lucas was in my life a very long time ago. That chapter is closed and with any luck it will never be opened again. We're going to let that sleeping dog lie, okay?" she replied and I could a hear bit of condescension in her tone.

"I'm not a child!" I heard myself reply in snarl.

Why the hell was I so out of control right now? I was usually so relaxed with Bella. This was not the first time she had spoken down to me and before I just let it slide. Today though, after learning of this guy, seeing those memories in her head, and being frustrated by her enigmatic behavior was making me lose my cool.

"I never said that you were," she replied composing her face in a blank mask.

"It was in your tone."

"You're a little riled up right now. I'm going give you a moment to settle down. I'm sorry for insulting you. It was not my intention."

And with that Bella left her room leaving me behind to my own jumbled thoughts.

_**Rosalie**_

I was sitting on the porch steps wearing my shortest skirt and my most fitted top with a low cut v-neck. I was reclined back with my elbows resting on the step behind me pushing my breast forward and my legs were crossed at the knee to display them in the best light. Emmett sat beside me and stared unabashedly and the bulge in his pants was hard to miss even out of the corner of my eye. I knew that I was torturing him but his punishment for the way he had talked about Bella would soon be over. I had shown him my boob three weeks ago like I said I would but that was all the action he'd gotten since.

Next week I planned for us to have sex so naturally this week I had to tease him mercilessly. I was sure that he was suffering some serious blue balls but I would make it up to him. I was horny my damned self and was willing and ready to do all sorts of things to get him and myself off several times the night of our reunion.

"Rosie how many times do you want me to apologize?" Emmett groaned.

I shrugged not even looking his way, "It's not me who deserves an apology," I replied.

"I _have_ apologized to Bella! She's not even mad at me! According to her she never was," he exclaimed.

I knew all of what he was saying was true. Bella had told me all about Emmett's formal apology. He'd waited until the house was completely empty save for himself and Bella before he went up to her to speak with her. She had told be about it before even Emmett did. She had gone out of her way to make me understand that she and Emmett had only talked, she had stayed on the window sill while he sat on the couch, and that she had left the house immediately after since only Emmett was in the house. I didn't understand what she was so nervous about but as much as I liked Bella she was a strange girl so I just chalked it up to that.

"Of course, Baby," I sighed feigning boredom.

Emmett opened his mouth to speak again but stopped when Bella came breezing out of the house. The steps were commandeered by Emmett and me so she just leapt over the balcony and kept walking toward the woods.

"Hey Bella," Emmett called. "Where you heading off to?" he asked.

"No where. Just a walk," she shrugged.

"Want some company?" I asked.

"Okay," she answered noncommittally.

Emmett started to protest but I ignored him and fell in step beside Bella. We walked in silence for a while before reaching a small creek. Bella stopped and rolled up the legs of her pants and parked her bottom on the ground before putting her feet in the water. She sighed contentedly as a small smile played around her lips. I was shocked as all hell. Bella _never_ smiled. Not a real smile anyway, dark, humorless smirks were more her thing.

"This is what I live for," she murmured so quietly that I wasn't sure if she meant for me to hear it. I sat beside her and placed my feet in the water as well. I was surprised again when Bella kept talking. Apparently she was speaking to me first time.

"It's hard for me to find things to be happy about, you know," she said glancing at me. "After the things I've seen, the things that have happened to me, and the things I've done...," she trailed off her eyes clouding with a heavy sadness. "It's things like this, the simple pleasure of feeling water running over my feet, listening to music, seeing the vibrant scenery of this gorgeously green town, and breathing in such sweet air. They're what keeps me going. It's all that I can enjoy anymore," she said.

"If that's the case you had better do as much as of those things as you can," I replied and she nodded her head.

"I'm definitely not taking it for granted. I'm going to get my fill of it all," she said.

I smiled at her and looked at my feet in the water. I wondered how many times had I crossed this same creek while hunting and was nothing but pissed that the water had ruined my shoes? Maybe Bella wouldn't take this creek for granted but I sure had. I felt the sadness that had clouded her eyes start to seep into me. I couldn't imagine a life where I counted on things like the feel of running water and the sight of grass and moss to make me happy.

I started to feel like an ass as I realized the superficial components my happiness. I was happy that Alice was stylish and knew just what to buy to make me look that much more beautiful, I was happy that I could afford any car my dead little heart desired, and I was happy that even though I part of an existence where everyone was heartbreakingly beautiful, my looks still outshined everyone else.

I started to feel a little sick with myself and suddenly one question popped into my head and demanded my attention. What kind of person was I? Was I really that girl? The girl who was so vain that she didn't even see or care about the little things anymore. That wasn't who I wanted to be. If someone were to ask me what made me happy could I give them the list that I'd just comprised and then be proud of my self? Could I be proud that the things that me smile were things that looked good in a mirror?

Emmett made me happy too. He was my mate and if someone told me the sun shined out of his ass I would totally agree. Bella didn't have a mate though and even if she did I felt mates were in a separate category of happiness. I don't think I would be too proud of myself either if someone asked what made me happy and the only response I could give was the name of a man.

I closed my eyes and rested my head on my knees. I concentrated on the feel of the water. It's smoothness, the cool temperature that I could recognize but not be affected by, and the gentle but soothing pressure and push of the tide. I took a deep breath and took in the sweet air that Bella had spoken of.

My eyes snapped open again as I remembered that she bent her nose to her collar as she'd spoken on the sweet air. Did she really mean the air or did she just mean my brother's scent? She'd spoken about how much she enjoyed it before but I'd never said anything. Now that we were alone though, it seemed like the perfect time to do so.

"What's up with you and Edward," I asked quietly.

I watched her closely as she sighed heavily and closed her eyes, "Nothing good, Rose. Nothing good."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She seemed to get along with Edward just fine. They spent a lot of time together not even really doing anything, just hanging out and reading or whatever. Had he done something that I didn't know about? Did she not really like but didn't know how to tell him? I didn't that was possible though. Bella could be pretty blunt. I was sure that if she didn't enjoy Edward's company she would have told him by now, just like she had told Jasper to stay the fuck away from her...just a bit more eloquently.

"He wants me," she mumbled looking as if someone had just smashed her precious iPod.

I gaped at her for a few seconds in utter shock and confusion. How did she know? Had Edward told her that? Wasn't he gay?

"Like _wants_ you, wants you?" I asked trying to be sure that we were on the same page. She scoffed and nodded her head.

"Are you sure, Bella? I mean Edward never even really looks at girls. There was this totally hot vampire named Tanya who would have sold her right tit to sleep with him and he turned her down. I don't think...Edward _likes_ girls," I said hoping that I would not offend her by what I was saying.

Bella shook her head, "Oh he likes girls alright. He's been watching me for a while now. A lot of guys have looked at me the way Edward has and it's never been a good thing. He's never made any advances or anything so I just let him look," she told me. "Today though he was in my room and I was thinking of a guy I used to know and Edward got really upset. He asked me who the guy was I kept thinking about and when I told him you should have seen the look in his eyes. He was so jealous and so angry. The more I talked about him the more upset he got. He eventually broke his laptop right in half. I could see the possessive in his eyes and it scared me Rose.

"Wanting something you don't have is just fine, it's normal, but wanting you don't have and feeling possessive over it is dangerous and I can't have it. I'll have to watch my step around him now," Bella said.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I mean I believed what she said but it was just astonishing to hear that Edward finally had taken notice of a girl. I guess I couldn't blame him for feeling something for Bella. Despite her scars, she was a stunning girl and I could totally see her being Edward's type. The angel faced girl for the holier than thou guy.

Over the years, I'd gotten over the fact that I was forced into this life just so that Edward could have me and then when I was presented to him I was refused.

I'd cooled the burn of his rejection in many ways. I'd told myself he was intimidated by me, he was a moody bastard and I didn't have want him either, that he thought he was stuck up and thought he was too good for everyone, and that he was gay.

But now that I could see the kind of girl he liked I now realized I wasn't his type at all either. Bella and I were opposites in almost every sense. She was short, where I was tall. I was blonde, while she was a brunette. I was curvy and looked more like a bombshell pin-up girl while Bella was more slender and baby faced like porcelain doll.

In the back of my mind I kicked myself for still being so vain and focusing on looks. I clearly had to work on that more.

I turned my mind back to the conversation at hand, "Bella, Edward would never harm you. He's an ass, I know, but he's also loving and gentle. He respects women and I doubt he would try to _own_ you," I told her.

"If he's never felt this way before, how can you be sure? I've been in this situation before like I said and it didn't bode well for me. I'd rather be safe than sorry," she replied.

I sighed but nodded by head. My assessment of Bella had been all wrong. She was not a strange girl at all. She was just seriously fucked up.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Bella**_

I tugged on Edward's grey pullover and a pair dark jeans. I popped a pair of sunglasses over my face to hide my irises from the good people of Forks and met Esme down in the foyer. After the "kids" left for school and Carlisle went to work, I usually spent my time with Esme. With her weak nature, I didn't feel the need to be on my guard with her. She was sugary sweet and was probably one of those people who would honestly not hurt a fly.

Not only was I safe with Esme but I found it was easiest to see just how domesticated the Cullen's were by observing and talking to her, the happy homemaker. I found it oddly entertaining to watch her fulfill her wifely duties. Usually I would watch her clean the already immaculate house, tend to the impeccably groomed garden and lawn, or something else inane. My favorite days though were those in which we went on field trips. Last week Esme had laundered everyone's dirty clothing and then dropped them off at various Goodwill stores, Salvation Armies, and homeless shelters in the state.

Today I was going to be tagging along with Esme to ,get this, the grocery store! Esme had explained that they didn't eat the food, but she had to make regular visits to the store to keep up appearances. Esme said they usually donated the food to homeless shelters as well and we would make deliveries throughout the rest of the week.

I followed her out to her pearl colored XJ Jaguar and slid into the passenger seat. Esme was the only Cullen who was content to go the speed limit. Everyone else drove like bats out of hell. I could understand their reasoning for doing so. They were used to moving at an exceedingly fast pace, so they pushed their cars to do the same.

Rosalie had told me she hated driving anywhere with Esme because it took forever but honestly I didn't mind Esme's driving at all. I mean we are going to be on this Earth for eternity, what the hell was the rush? It wasn't like we were on a clock and needed to get everything done speedy fast. Humans used the expression "so much to do, so little time" because their lives dwindled like the sand in a hourglass. For vampires it the exact opposite. We had all the time in the world and nothing to do. We really had time to kill, so why not do it by taking a leisurely ride in a car with fabulously soft leather seats?

When we arrived, I walked with Esme as she grabbed a shopping cart and began pushing it inside the store. The place reeked of raw human food but it didn't bother me much. I'd smelled worse. I decided to put more focus into Esme. She occasionally would speak to other people in the store and hold small conversations about things like PTA meetings, city council, and really good deals on kitchen cleaner. It really was sad.

Even sadder was the fact that I would have to play along with the damned human charade too every time I went out with her. People she spoke to would inevitably ask who I was since Forks was the size of a matchbox and new faces around town were more mythical than vampires. I was to play Carlisle and Esme's Goddaughter who had come to visit for an indefinite amount of time. Why wasn't I attending Forks High? Because I was a super brainac wiz kid and graduated two years early and was currently trying to "find myself" before deciding what I wanted to do with my life.

Far fetched much?

Though I guess it wasn't much the Cullens could say since I looked so young and both refused to stay indoors or go to high school. So I played along like a schmuck since the Cullens had been kind to me so far.

I walked beside Esme to an aisle dedicated to meat. Esme acted her part well checking prices, getting an appropriate amount of food needed for the size of her family, and crossing items of a list as she put them in her cart.

"Are you going to cook this stuff?" I asked her.

"Yes, it's much more convenient for those volunteering at the shelters not to have to cook what has been donated," she replied.

"When you awoke from the change and Carlisle explained his lifestyle, did you immediately think it was a good idea?"

"Well honestly I needed to cope with what I was first. I was so scared and confused I didn't know what to think of anything. I refused to feed at all for a long time before I decided to try the animal diet. The idea of ingesting blood really bothered me," she told me speaking in a tone that would not be audible to human ears. "How did you take it when you found out you were a vampire?"

I sighed involuntarily thinking back to the day the burning subsided. It had gone nothing like Esme's story. It had been so different that I was sort of nervous to tell her about it. I knew that she would be upset by it and the last time I'd upset her all hell broke loose.

"I'm not going to judge you, Bella. Everyone's circumstances are different and I understand that," she told me.

I glanced up at her before averting my eyes and looking down at the foul smelling steak before me. "I awoke in a room with a woman cowering in the corner. I knew that she was terrified but the smell of her blood was all that really mattered to me. The burn in my throat was unbearable and I drained her without even making a conscious decision to do so," I said.

"When I finished her, a heard the voice of a vampire named Lucas from somewhere in the house I was in. He asked if my throat still burned and I told him it did. He told me that I wouldn't have to be in pain anymore if I followed his voice. I did just that found him in the cellar of the house where he had the rest of that woman's family corralled; four children and a man. I was a mess covered in their mother and wife's blood and they all screamed when they saw me. The noise was so loud in my ears and their blood smelled so good. I had to make them shut up. I had to taste them...," I trailed off knowing that what happened next was obvious.

When I looked up at Esme to gauge her reaction, I regretted telling her the story. The disgust, terror, and sadness concentrated there was too much for me. She stood too still in her shock and I hoped that no one would come down this aisle and see her. Clearly that was too much to ask for...

"Esme! Bella! How are you?" exclaimed Mrs. Newton like we were her long lost relatives or something.

Esme was still in shock so I had to pretend to be human alone in order to give her extra recovery time. I made my over to her before she could get over to where Esme was standing. She seemed even more excited when she saw that I hade decided to come speak to her. She didn't even glance at Esme to see if she was coming as well.

"I'm fine, Mrs. Newton. How are you?"

"Just fine. Shopping with my son who has _again_ been suspended from school," she told me and as if on cue a tall blonde haired, blue eyed boy came around the corner to join us. He had a boyish face with slightly rounded cheeks and his hair was disheveled looking like a bad imitation a certain bronzed haired vampire. I wanted to smile, his attempt to look like Edward was just too cute. I could only imagine the amount of girls salivating after Edward and how jealous this boy must be.

"Oh, There you are!" Mrs. Newton said catching sight of her son. "Mike, this is Bella Swan she's in Forks visiting the Cullens. Bella this is my son Mike," she said by way of introduction.

Even though my body was hidden away under Edward's clothes, Mike's eyes roamed over my body like I was something to eat. It pissed me off. What right did he have! I watched as he offered me his hand in disgust. I grasped it making sure my grip was firmer than his and just enough to cause him a little pain. He grimaced and quickly pulled his hand away stuffing it in his pants pocket.

"Charmed, I'm sure," I said dryly as Mrs. Newtown scampered off to go to talk to Esme leaving Mike and I alone to talk.

"Nice to meet you, too," he said smirking in a way that he probably thought was sexy but actually made him look like his face was having a spasm. "Where are you from?"

"Boston," I lied easily.

"Wow, you must be bored in our small town," he said. "But if you're looking to have a good time, I'm your guy," he told me.

What. A. Douche.

He took a step closer to me and I took a step closer to him because his personality meant little to nothing. His blood on the other hand was mouth watering. He smelled hot and sweet, like cookies fresh out of the oven. I could tell that he'd never had a sip of alcohol, drag of a cigarette, or did any recreational drugs in his life. So pure, so clean. I could practically feel my eyes darkening as they locked on the juicy vein in his neck.

I pushed him back into the aisle so that we wouldn't be seen by his mother or Esme. His eyes widened in shock but then his "sexy" smirk returned when my fingers ran up his chest and stopped at his jugular. My touch made his heart race and I his face got just a tad paler so I knew that his blood was traveling south. I smirked as I tilted my head into the other side of his neck and breathed him in.

He'd gotten an erection from my simple touch and I wondered had he ever been with a girl. Probably not. He was innocent, just a child. He hadn't even began to live his life and there were monsters out there like me ready and willing to steal it away. That familiar pang of guilt hit my stomach hard and I exhaled heavily letting it spread through me.

"I am bored, Mike, and I have no doubt that you could remedy that for me," I purred my lips brushing against the thin skin of his neck as I spoke. I had to fight a moan as his hot blood pulsed faster emitting strong waves of his scent directly into my nose. "Is tonight too soon?" I asked.

"N...Not at all," he stammered.

So innocent.

Venom scorched my throat as I envisioned my teeth tearing through his femoral artery. He was just one boy but Forks would miss him so much. I would dispose of his body somewhere far away. His mother would cry for her missing son not knowing if he was alive of dead. The town would grief and panic while I sat back knowing that I had caused it all. I would be forced to see it all and wallow in the suffering of my own consequences...

"Bella!" I heard Esme screech from around the corner. I took a step back from Mike and saw that his eyes were wild with lust, wonder, and excitement. "Get back here right now!" she exclaimed.

I scoffed before winking at Mike, "See you later."

I left him in the aisle to recuperate and found Esme glaring at me. Clearly she had recuperated just fine.

"Esme you should make that face more often, you look adorable," I said sweetly.

"We're going home right now. I just got a phone call from Alice," she told me pointedly as if I was supposed to know what that meant.

"Was she hurt at school?" I smirked. "Do you guys feign injuries on occasion to keep up appearances as well?" I asked.

"No we don't! Now let's go," she said and began to walk swiftly toward the check out line.

I could tell that she was trying to be stern with me. I would have been annoyed had it been from anyone else. I liked Esme too much to be mad at her though. I sort of felt like she was kitten, something cute and endearing to play with. She paid for the small amount of groceries and stormed off to the car murmuring something about not getting enough and needing to come back tomorrow. When we got back to the Cullen house, I saw that Edward's Volvo was back. I could hear the voices of all the "children" inside and wondered what the hell was going on.

"You will not harm Mike Newton!" Alice seethed as soon as I stepped foot in the door.

Her anger caught me off guard and my mind and body prepared for a battle all on it's own. I replayed everything I knew about her in my mind; how fast was, her gift, her size, and an approximation of her strength. By extension I had to reevaluate Jasper as well. He was her mate and if I were to fight Alice he would most likely attack me as well to protect her. In a one on one fight I was confident enough to believe my victory was guaranteed. In an uneven match I couldn't be so sure. It all depended on how skilled they were. I had to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I decided to take a step back and keep myself in the open doorway. If they launched at me, we would fly back out of the house making my escape easier if it should come down to that. I would have to run south because...

"Bella!" Edward exclaimed appearing to be in some sort of distress as he fisted his hand in his hair. "No one is going to hurt you! Please, understand that," he begged.

I didn't respond to him because I was not so sure. The Empath had taken an instant disliking to me. Alice was his mate and would stand beside him no matter what, so even though I liked Alice I could trust her either.

"Have you smelled him? His blood will be very sweet and he's only one boy. Surely the whole town won't suddenly know that we are vampires because one boy went missing," I said turning my eyes to Alice watching her full form so that she would not surprise me with any sudden movement.

"Yes, Bella. We know that he smells good but that is not the way we live here. You know that. Forks is a very small town and they not might know that we are vampires if he was to go missing but there would be an investigation and since you were with him today police would come to question you," Alice responded.

"Then I'd pack a bag for him and forge a note to his family saying that he wanted to runaway."

I watched as Alice's eyes glazed over. My new decision must have led to a vision. When she came back to the present she glanced at Edward with a sort of deflated expression and he shot her a warning glare. I smirked knowing that that they had both seen my plan would work.

"He's just a _child, _Bella," Alice said whispered pleadingly.

"Alice you don't know that what you saw is what will actually happen. Bella clearly wants the Newton kid bad. She probably made you see what she wanted you too," Jasper said.

The amount of irritation and fury that filled my body was so overwhelming that it shocked even me. I tried to tell myself that his suspicions were very plausible and... Who the hell was even talking to him... He was right about me really wanting the Newton kid... I told him to stay the fuck out of my way! Talking to me had been included... He had every right to voice this concern to the rest of the family... The very sight of him just pissed me off! What the hell had I done to him anyway? Maybe I had done some fucked up shit in the past but that had nothing to do with him... He wasn't even really speaking _to_ me. He was talking to his mate. He was allowed to talk to Alice... But he was talking _about_ me...

I felt hands on my face and gasped in shock. I could feel the electric tingling that only accompanied Edward's touch but I was already on edge and my body was on standby for a fight. Hands on or around the face told my body that my head was about to be detached. My hands instantly pushed his away and I took his gift away from him completely. I turned my back to him simultaneously reaching back to clasp his neck in my hands. I was about to flip him over me and body slam him on the ground but his arms wrapped around my waist making my planned attack impossible. I changed the position of my arm and sent my elbow into his head knocking him sideways and into the wall.

His body destroyed the drywall but he was back in front of me not even a second later. This time his hands were up, his palms open and facing me in surrender. I growled in frustration unsure of what exactly was happening. My eyes looked with Edward's golden orbs and something about his expression softened me. My body relaxed infinitesimally but I still took step back needing some space. Edward however was not willing to give me that. He stepped forward and I let out an involuntary whimper. I knew that he wanted to touch me again but my brain was working too fast and I couldn't be sure that I wouldn't attack him again.

I gave him his gift in hopes that he would see what was going inside my head and stay where he was. Edward must not have been afraid of what he read in my head because he reached for me again but this time with exaggerated slowness.

"Bella look at me," he said calmly and waited until I obeyed. "I just want to help you. Will you let me help you?"

"I don't know," I breathed honestly.

My eyes moved back to his hands and I saw that his fingers were starting to curve. He was going to grab me. They were not high enough to reach my face and I realized he was going to grab my shoulders. The whole front of his body would be open and with arms fully extended there would be just enough space between us to knee him in the groin. He would double over to cup himself and I could upper cut his chin and maybe with enough force shatter his teeth.

"Bella," Edward called making me look him in the eyes again. "I'm going to grab your hands. I am not going to attack you. May I hold yours hands," he asked.

"I don't want to hurt you, Edward," I said shaking my head.

"I know, Bella. I know."

"But I might."

"I know."

"And your still going to try and touch me?"

"Yes."

"That's crazy. Please don't."

"Look down."

I did what he said and was shocked to see that the fingers of both my hands were twined with his. I stared at our hands in confusion. How had that happened?

"You were focusing on my eyes and not my hands," Edward answered my thoughts.

"That's dangerous...," I began but he cut me off.

"Not when it's me. I would never hurt you, Bella. Never. It's okay to relax. I would never let anyone hurt you either," he said.

"I'm sorry that I attacked you. I was so mad at Jasper. I didn't make Alice see anything. I was pissed that he was talking about me and assumed that I would do that. That Newton kid isn't even that important to me. I can get blood from anywhere. I saw him at the store today with Esme and the way he looked at me...I just so damn angry! I don't even...,"

"Bella," Edward said slowly running his hands up my arms until they were on my face again. The tingling sensation made me feel as if my knees were about to give out. I let out a shuddering breath before meeting Edward's eyes again. "It's okay, Bella. It's over now."

"I won't bother the Newton, kid."

"Okay," he said and smiled brilliantly down at me. Edward was infinitely more beautiful when he smiled. His whole face lit up like shine of the sun.

"Okay," I repeated not really knowing why.

Alice appeared beside us and I tore my eyes away from Edward to see that she was holding my iPod.

"I didn't mean to upset you, Bella. I'm sorry," she said with an apologetic smile.

"It's fine. I'm sorry too," I murmured as I took the iPod from her. I put the buds into my ears and made a quick escape to my favorite spot on my window seat.

_**Edward**_

Alice was not good at being patient. She was dying to talk to me but unwilling to do so with everyone, or mainly just Bella, in the house. She was in her room mentally screaming for me to go outside so that we could talk but I didn't want to talk to her right now. She wanted answers to questions that I wasn't even sure of the answers yet. I needed sometime to myself to just think.

I stretched out on my bed and listening to Goodbye Apathy by OneRepublic and replaying what had just happened between Bella and I downstairs. Her reaction to Jasper had been so intense and instantaneous. Her anger had been clear on her face but only I knew what was going on in her head. It was as if there were two conflicting sides of herself: one that wanted to go off on Jasper and another that just wanted to let it go. Her mind was literally spinning out of control and I knew that it was a bad idea to try and touch her before I did but I could feel her distress. I couldn't not help her.

It was scary seeing how brainwashed she was. Her automatic response to unsanctioned physical contact was to strike. She processed all possible plans of attack, counter attacks, advantages, disadvantages, and routes of escape all in just a few milliseconds. Part of her knew that I was not trying to hurt her but her body would not acknowledge that.

To be perfectly honest, I was scared shitless approaching her. I had no idea that making her focus on my eyes would stop her from attacking me again. That was pure luck. I didn't know for sure that she wouldn't fight me again until she let me back into her mind.

Bella was a complicated being to say the least. Being inside her mind was something that thrilled, worried, and depressed me. She didn't speak often so it was great to see what she thought about and the way she observed what was around her so thoroughly. It worried me because sometimes I saw things I didn't want to. She often that about her time in Lucas's army, the way that she was trained to fight, and the wars in which she had been ruthless and enjoyed destroying countless vampires. It depressed me because at some unknown point in her life she had realized that way she lived was wrong. My family and I knew that Bella was someone who was scared and lost. However I was the only one that knew that she was lost because she had no idea who she or who she was supposed to be anymore. I was the only one who knew that more than anything or anyone else Bella was afraid of herself.

Knowing these things about her affected me. It hurt me and every day I was consumed with the urge to help her. There was an actual need inside me to bring her joy but I had no idea of how to do that. I was trekking into uncharted territory with Bella but I forced myself to be bold for her. Whether she knew it or wanted to admit it Bella needed someone to support and guide her. I needed to be that someone.

Bella never resurfaced from her room that day and her door that was usually always open was not only closed but locked. I could say that I walked down the second floor hall a million times just because I'd trashed my computer and needed to use the one in the library that was across from Bella's room but that would be a huge lie. I walked down that hallway a million times because I was hoping that I would go pass and her door would be open again. Eventually around 3:00am I gave up and just went down to the living room and sat at the piano.

I was staring at the keys not knowing what exactly to play. Random notes and bars had been popping into my head all day but every time I tried to play them something about the arrangement would be wrong. Tonight was no different. I couldn't even concentrate on the music. My mind kept going back to Bella and it was also very distracting that there was a constant image of myself in the mind of none other than...Rosalie Hale.

I looked up at her in confusion wondering why she was staring at me. When my eyes met hers I saw a plethora of emotions there. I didn't know what to make of that because for once contempt and annoyance were not among them.

_"Thank you."_

I nodded once in her direction knowing exactly what she was thanking me for. She gave me a small sympathetic smile and my confusion came back wondering why that was. Was it because in my attempt to help Bella, I'd gotten my ass kicked? I didn't think it was that because we all knew that no real damage been done.

_"Promise me you'll be careful with her Edward. I can see that you care for her and I know that you would never hurt her intentionally but Bella views things differently. You might say or do something that this is completely harmless but to her it might appear threatening. So just please be careful, okay?"_

I wasn't entirely sure where this was all coming from and I could tell by the way Rosalie's thought's focused on the latest La Perla collection that she was blocking me from something. It didn't matter much what it was because Bella talked to Rosalie about things she didn't feel comfortable talking to the rest of us about. I knew that Rosalie's words on anything concerning Bella would help me a lot so I accepted them with a nod to her again.

"I promise," I whispered.

_"Thank you."_


	9. Chapter 9

_**Rosalie**_

I watched amused and annoyed as Mike Newton glanced at our table at exactly every two seconds. I glanced at Edward and saw he was looking just as I was, except he wasn't amused at all. Actually he wasn't even annoyed, he was just flat out pissed off. I could only imagine what Mike was thinking after his encounter with the Bella yesterday. He finally seemed to gather his courage and walk slowly over to our table with the most uncomfortable but determined look on his face. The whole cafeteria seemed to grow quiet as everyone watched in fascination wondering what Mike Newton was doing coming to talk to the beautiful freaks of the school.

He stopped directly in front of us and smiled awkwardly glancing at all of us in turn, probably wondering who he should speak to.

"Hey guys," he said dumbly and was met by silent stares from all of us. He cleared his throat and continued on. "I was um wondering um well actually I had um plans with Bella last night. I was sort of wondering, well I was hoping…could you guys maybe give me her number or possibly even give her mine," he stammered like the idiot he was.

I frowned at him in disgust. Did he really think we would give him her number? Couldn't he see how much we clearly despised him? I was all to eager to bitch him out but Edward beat me to it.

"Newton it takes exactly nine seconds for you to get from here to your table. I'm going to give you three. Move your ass or get it kicked," Edward growled.

I couldn't help but smile. Mike's face grew impossibly paler as he gaped at Edward in shock. I was so proud of my older little brother.

"You're down to two," Edward said through gritted teeth. That was all Newton needed. He wheeled around and actually made it back to his table in two seconds. I was impressed. The cafeteria remained in stunned silence for another second before the wild buzz of whispering erupted.

"Pretty harsh there, Edward, don't you think?" Emmett commented.

"Edward just saved that kid's life," Jasper replied dryly earning a pinch on the thigh from Alice.

"Just like I saved yours yesterday," Edward retorted. "Watch what you say around Bella. She's trying really hard to stay calm and you don't know just how close she was to losing it yesterday. You irk her just as much as she irks you but you never hear her spewing petty remarks your way. Grow the fuck up Jasper and learn to keep your mouth closed. It was a pure miracle that I was able to get her under control yesterday, I'd advise you not to push your luck again."

And with that being said Edward got up from the table and stormed out of the cafeteria. Alice leapt up and scurried after him. Jasper sighed and slumped further into his seat.

"Why am I getting chewed out for simply stating what was a very real possibility?" Jasper asked rhetorically but I felt the need to answer anyway.

"Because Bella has been with us for almost a month and has done nothing to make us believe we can't trust her yet you regard her as if she was the spawn of the devil," I replied simply.

"What?" Jasper exclaimed looking at me with annoyance clear in his eyes. "She told me to stay out of her way and that's exactly what I've been doing!"

"Well you did a shitty job of it yesterday which might I add was the perfect inopportune time to grate on her nerves. You assumed that she was trying to con us and you know what they say about those who assume," I replied.

Jasper crossed his arms over his chest and clenched his jaw in anger but kept silent. He had better…

_**Edward**_

Between Jasper and Mike Newton I was getting angrier than I'd been in very long time. Even though I'd sent Newton on his way that had not stopped him from fantasizing about Bella naked and writhing under him like the pervert he was. Jasper, on the other hand, was just so sure that she was going to all of a sudden go postal and massacre our entire family. Was he serious? I'd witnessed first hand how good of a fighter Bella was but I was sure we had a better than fair shot of victory in a seven against one fight. Jasper was my brother and I loved him but lately I just wanted to smack some sense into him.

I left the cafeteria and then school building. I went to my car and hooked my iPod up to the stereo. I relaxed into the driver seat and closed my eyes letting the sound of Claire de Lune soothe me. Well I tried to anyway. It's wasn't long before Alice decided to seize the moment and get me while I was alone. She invited herself into the passenger seat and turned her body so that she was facing me. I refused to acknowledge her and luckily she waited until the song was over and I was a less agitated before she spoke.

"Talk to me," she said when the music stopped.

"What do you want me say, Alice?" I sighed.

"I just figured you might want someone to talk to about Bella," she replied.

I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at her. Her face was innocently blank and surprisingly non-expectant. This actually worked better to get me talking than her usual overbearingness and annoying persistence.

"I really don't know what to say," I told her honestly. I had a lot of thoughts concerning Bella but I was having a hard time translating them into words.

Alice nodded in understanding beside me. "You care for her?" she asked but it seemed more like a statement.

"I do."

"But it's different from the way you care about Rosalie, Esme, and me."

"…No. Yes. Maybe," I groaned before dragging my hand through my hair.

Alice giggled in response to my obvious frustration, "Relax Edward. It's just me your talking to," she said. "I only asked because I can see a difference in you lately. You're not so broody anymore," she joked kicking out her foot to nudge my leg.

I smirked and swatted her foot away. "When I'm with her, I'm content. I don't have to be talking to her, touching her, or even looking at her. Being the same room, the same house as her puts me at ease," I said finally able to verbalize something.

"I'm happy for you. I knew that she would be good for us. I knew the second I saw Rosalie bringing her home," she said.

"I'm terrified that she'll leave. Everyday when we leave the house for school, the possibility she'll be gone when we get back tortures me all day," I admitted.

Alice sighed beside me leaned her head against the back of the seat. "I wish I could tell you that won't happen but it's a real likelihood. I had two visions yesterday. I hid them from you because I felt it would be better to show you in private."

I knit my brows and focused on her thoughts as she replayed her visions for me. The first was of Bella and I lying in my bed. She was wrapped in my arms and smiling at me with golden eyes. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and my breath caught in my chest. I wanted that vision to come true so badly and I would do anything to insure that it did. I'd never seen Bella smile and seeing her do so in Alice's vision made my still heart swell with happiness.

The vision was so clear and vivid. I would have been so sure that, that vision was set in stone but then Alice showed me the second vision. It was just as clear and vivid but the scene was drastically different. It was of Bella lying on the floor of some sea or ocean. Her body was completely still just like she'd been when Rosalie first discovered her under the dock. Her eyes were open ,black as coal, hollow, and dead. The water was eroding her body and it made me sick to my stomach. Alice must have sensed or seen the distress on my face because she stopped focusing on that vision abruptly.

I closed my eyes wishing that I could erase that image from my head but it seemed to be etched into my brain. It was horrifying and vile. I couldn't imagine losing Bella to a fate like that. My resolve to help her was strengthened tenfold. I refused to let that happen to her.

"I can't pinpoint an actual timing on either vision. I just know that they both have a very strong probability," Alice whispered but I shook my head. I knew that I could save Bella.

"Not if I have anything to do with it."

That afternoon I came home from school and was happy to find Bella in my bedroom. She was sitting cross legged on my black leather couch reading one of hundreds of my journals. Had it been anyone else I would have gone ballistic, but it was Bella and the only thing I felt was self-conscious. My family often called me moody and emo and sometimes I had to agree with them. As I watched Bella pouring over my writing I feared that someone like her might just find it whiny and pathetic.

"This is very rude of me, I know, but I couldn't help myself. Say the word and I'll stop," she said in her soft wispy voice. She didn't even look up at me as she spoke and I could tell by the crease between her brows that she was very interested in what she was reading.

"I don't mind," I said moving across the room to sit next to her. I wanted to know what journal she was reading and but I didn't want to read over her shoulder or interrupt her with the question. I watched her read for I don't know how long. I was anxious to know what she thought about what she read but of course she was not allowing that at the moment. I sat silently and impatiently beside her hoping that she would at least say something. I breathed a sigh of relief when she finally broke the silence.

"I might have guessed out of all the Cullen's you would be the rebel," she murmured.

I held back a groan. She _would_ be reading one of those journals.

"You think I'm rebellious?" I asked.

She shook her head no. "Not so much rebellious, but you are the most unhappy in the house," she answered still not looking up from the book. I wanted her to look at me and I had the feeling she knew that and was avoiding my eyes on purpose. "In a house full of mated couples you have no choice but to be lonely. Sometimes it feels like all you have is the blood and when that happens you only want what tastes the best," she said.

"I didn't rebel against Carlisle because I was lonely. I did it because I was young. It was not unlike human teenagers rebelling against their parents. I wanted something. Carlisle told me I couldn't do it. I did it anyway," I told her finally making her look at me. Too bad she was wearing that condescending smirk again.

"Yes and all that just happened to occur shortly after Carlisle found Esme and you realized that you were no longer the most important thing in his world. I'm sure your sudden rebellion had nothing to do with the fact that Carlisle was all you had and then suddenly he and Esme are blissfully in love and you are the third wheel," Bella said sarcastically.

I knit my brows as I thought about what she'd said. It was a plausible theory. I'd never thought it that as the reason why I went off the deep end. I was sure it wasn't the sole reason but maybe it had something to do with it.

"I could tell that you were a very rabid newborn and for quite sometime. I can even tell the difference in your handwriting from earlier journals, harsher strokes, almost illegible. I'm sure deep down you felt some resentment toward Carlisle and jealousy toward Esme you just didn't recognize it. There's no need to be ashamed Edward, people have handled jealousy and resentment in far worse ways than you," she continued. "Believe me."

"Worse than draining people?" I asked incredulously before realizing who I was speaking to. Of course she would think there were worse things than that. I however didn't. To this day I still held so much guilt over what I'd done. Even though those men had been the dregs of society I had no right to decide whether they lived or died.

"It's the reason I killed Bree, my sire," Bella whispered effectively pulling me out of my reverie.

"What?" I asked hoping that she would elaborate.

"_I envied her so much,"_

_Bella thought opening her mind to keep this story private. _

"_Bree was my everything. My best friend, my sister, my mother. When she found her mate though she never had any more time for me. His name was Riley and I hated him for taking her away from me and the way that he treated her. He behaved as if his whole existence depended on her. It was so different from the way that Lucas treated me. I was jealous that her mate was better than mine. She was actually happy with Riley and I wasn't with Lucas. _

I stared at Bella completely speechless. My mind was struggling to comprehend all that she had said. She had revealed so much and I was utterly flabbergasted. I had already knew that I had my work cut out for me trying to help Bella seek the peace she so desperately wanted but after hearing that story I felt like I was about to fight a losing battle. I feared that Bella might need more help than I could give her and I was mad at myself for having this defeatist attitude and being so weak.

I couldn't lie to myself either. I knew that a big part of why I suddenly felt so helpless is because Bella had basically just told me that Lucas was her mate. I wasn't quite sure why that served as an almost lethal blow for me but it did. It also confused me because I'd spent the part of my existence surrounded my mated couples and none of them would even dream of doing the things Lucas had done to Bella. I hated him more than I ever did before. What kind of demon must he have been to not cherish the one person fate had designed just for him?

Bella had gone back to reading my journal and I knew that by the time I was had formed a response the moment was over. She was probably not even thinking about it anymore. I couldn't just let it go though. I had to say something.

"Bella," I said my voice coming out more strangled than I had intended. "You made a mistake, horrible, horrible mistake but you are not solely to blame for Bree's death. Lucas was your mate and he used the bond between the two of you to deceive you. He took your trust in him for granted and hurt you in the process. Being jealous of Bree's happiness is completely understandable. You should have had the same happiness she had and I'm so sorry that you didn't. I could kill Lucas for tricking you like that, he's the real monster in this situation," I told her.

She looked at me and the pain in her eyes crushed me. I wanted to pull her to me and hold her tight. I wanted to be able to tell her everything would be alright and that I would be there for her, by her side for the rest of my existence but I knew that, that was not the right thing to do right now. Those words would offer her no comfort.

"What you said might be true, but it doesn't change my part in what happened. It doesn't change the fact that if I wasn't so pathetically devoted to a man who didn't give a shit about me I could have saved her. Lucas lied to me, tore her apart and burned the pieces but I did nothing to stop it and in my eyes that a hell of a lot worse," Bella hissed suddenly tossing aside my journal and running away.

My fear spiked and I was afraid that she would not return. I ran after her but when I got to the door both Rosalie and Alice were there to stop me.

"Don't Edward," Rosalie pled placing her hands on my chest. "She needs some space right now."

I opened my mouth to protest but Alice cut me off, "She'll come back, Edward. I've already seen it," she assured me and then showed me the vision to back up her words.

Bella would be back in her bedroom by late morning tomorrow. I sighed and nodded my head. I dropped to the floor and pulling my knees to my chest and burying my face in my hands. Bella was hurting which led me to hurt as well. I was so confused and lost that I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to make her happy, heal her wounds, and show her a better life. I was so angry at Lucas, sorry for Bree, and miserable for Bella. I felt like an ass for all the times I bitched about my own life and threw myself pity parties when my life was paradise compared to what Bella had gone through.

I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and lips press against my temple.

"It'll be okay, Edward," Rosalie cooed. "We're all here for her. Maybe you feel helpless at the moment but when there is a will there is a way. I'll let you grieve right now but by the time she returns I expect you have it pulled together. She needs all the help she can get and I refuse to let you give up when she's had it far worse than you and she's still here fighting. Be strong for her, Edward. Be strong for Bella."

_**Bella**_

I slowly scaled the house up to the second floor and into my bedroom. I was sloshy after gorging on blood and my clothes were a mess. Despite the fact that I'd just hunted, I felt oddly tired and just wanted to take a shower before perching on the window for the rest of the day. After telling Edward about what happened to Bree, I'd taken it out on myself by hunting like a used to, like a ravenous beast.

I don't even know why I told him all that. I surely hadn't planned to but whenever I was with Edward things that I thought I would never tell anyone came flying out. Hadn't I just said that I needed to watch my step around him? Clearly the best way to be on your guard is to divulge your ugly little secrets. I shook my head at my own stupidity as I stepped into the steaming hot water of the shower. After I was dressed, I grabbed my iPod but stopped before I could sit down. There was a timid knock at my door and I knew that it was Esme. She was the only person home during this time of day.

"Come in," I called turning to the door as she walked in.

"I was going to go back to the grocery store. Do you want to join me?"

"Not today, Esme," I shook my head.

"Okay," she smiled and left me to be alone.

Since I had the house to myself I let Just A Thought by Gnarls Barkley play out over the speakers of my iHome. No sooner had I sat down did I hear the swift footfalls coming toward the house. I groaned knowing who was coming and most likely why. Seconds later Edward was seated beside me. I could feel his eyes burning into the side of my face but I refused to look his way. I didn't want to talk and I wished that he would just understand that. We sat in silence for exactly 45 minutes before he opened his mouth. I heard his intake a breath before he spoke and I finally turned toward him.

The intensity of his gaze shocked me sent chills through my body. No one had ever looked at me that way and it made me feel all sort of things. None of them unpleasant. I cupped his face in my hands making him close his mouth and eyes before leaning into my touch. I couldn't help but revel in the delicious sensation I felt whenever my skin was against his. I looked into the flawlessness of his face and something told me that his beauty didn't stop there. I tried not to acknowledge that because I knew better than to trust my own judgment and if Edward really was a good person no good would come of consorting with me.

"Do you want me to stay here, Edward?" I asked.

He opened his eyes to look me in the eye as he nodded his head.

"Then you have to stop."

Confusion furrowed his borrow, "Stop what?"

"I'm a bad person. I know that and you know that…,"

"You are not a bad person!"

I shook my head, "That's what you have to stop! You have to stop caring, being interested in me, trying to understand and help me. It's not going to happen."

"I can't stop caring about you, Bella! I can't watch you drown in pain you don't have to be in!" he exclaimed

"Drowned, Edward. Past tense. I'm already gone. There is nothing to save here," I told him.

"There is! You're here, I see you," he countered. I tried to pull my hands away but he grabbed onto my wrists. "You're down but you're not out. I'm here and I'm not letting go. What happened to Bree…,"

"Stop!"

"What happened to Bree was Lucas's fault. Lucas killed her! He was a deceitful son of a bitch that wanted to hurt her as well as you…,"

"Edward, please."

"You made mistakes but the fact that you feel this guilt, this remorse, shows me that you have a heart and you are not a monster. If you leave I will chase you to the ends of the this earth because if no one else does, I care and I'll always care."

I felt my body drooping in defeat, sorrow, anguish, and frustration. Edward's hands moved up from my wrists to my biceps. He was pulling me toward him and I knew what he was about to do. I didn't want him to. I wanted to push him away but I didn't have it in me. When his arms wrapped around me, my face fell into the crook of his neck. The scent that I so loved entered my nose and relaxed me. His arms cocooned me in warmth I'd never felt from another vampire and my body involuntarily melted into him.

"I could have saved her, but I didn't. You shouldn't save me either," I murmured.

"You were confused, but I'm not. You were lied to, tricked, and scared. No matter what you did someone you loved would have been hurt. The situation was impossible, Bella."

I wound my arms around his body and clutched the back of his shirt in my hands. I had become addicted to the warmth he was giving me so quickly. I was scared of what that could mean. My attempt to push Edward away had actually pulled him closer. I was fucking up yet again and I was terrified of the similarities between Edward and Lucas, because I had been addicted to the latter as well. They both held some sort of power over me that left me confused but fascinated. I was 148 fucking years old, I'd lived through and seen so much, but was none the wiser.

I couldn't differentiate between those who were good, and those who were evil. My suspiciousness lumped everyone together and made me fear everyone, including the man I was currently wrapped around and wrapped in. Warnings were blaring in my head but I turned a deaf ear to them if only for the moment because the differences between Edward and Lucas assuaged me enough to enjoy Edward's warmth.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Edward**_

Holding Bella was more pleasurable for me than was probably normal. Her body felt so right tucked into mine and the way she clung to me, fisting her hands on the back of my shirt made me feel needed and valuable. I held her just as tightly wanting her to feel the same way I did because she was needed and she was valuable. I don't know why or how I had even come to need this small beautiful but broken vampire, but I did. She gave me something that one had ever been able to, even the people I loved and lived with and that made her more valuable to me than anything else in this world. I wanted to articulate these things to her but I knew that would be a mistake, so I had to commit to showing her.

I was getting what I guess was her uncensored thoughts. I could never really know for sure. Right now her thoughts were solely focused on me. She was in awe of the way my body seemed to give her some sort of warmth. She was soothed yet elated our current closeness allowed my scent to swathe her. It was not only filling her nose but she felt on her skin and tasted it on her tongue. This made her so happy that she was nearly beside herself with fear.

I held back a sigh because I didn't want to break the peaceful silence around us but I just didn't understand Bella. I knew that she had been hurt and that fate had been it's cruelest when it saddled her with a mate like Lucas. He had fucked her up perfectly and I wanted to kill him for it. Bella was so observant, pensive, and intelligent but her perception of things was seriously flawed. In her eyes something about everything was wrong, bad, or negative in some way. That pained me but I knew that if she would just let me in I could help her change that.

I didn't know exactly how long I held Bella but I knew that it was for quite a while. From her thoughts I knew that she was entranced by the contentment she felt. I was willing to hold her for the rest of forever but the sound of Emmett banging the door open as he entered the house startled Bella out of her daze. She wrenched herself away from me abruptly making me feel empty. I missed the feel of her small body against mine the second she was gone. Not only had she left my arms but she'd left the room as well.

"Did you play nice with the other kids?" I heard Bella tease Rose from the floor below. I saw Rose smirk through Bella's mind before she flipped Bella the bird.

"Such a sweet girl," Bella responded sarcastically.

I snorted a laugh at the playful banter between the two girls before leaving Bella's room and going down to the living room where the rest of the family had gathered. Alice's eyes met mine as soon as I walked into the room. It had been her that told me exactly when Bella would come home. She'd also told me that Esme would be gone and that if I wanted to talk to her that, that would be the perfect time. I didn't hesitate to do just that. I left school and ran straight home.

"_How'd it go?"_

I gave her small smile and nod. She responded with a full on grin of her own.

"Thank you," I mouthed to her.

"No problem."

_**Bella**_

I rarely ever spent time in the living room with the Cullens. It always put me on edge because they were the coven and I was the outsider. They hadn't attacked me yet even though they'd had plenty of opportunity to do so, but I just couldn't feel safe in a dynamic like that. I'd come down today though because I needed to get away from Edward just for a little while. I'd gotten so wrapped up in the feel of him that I'd stayed in his arms for over three hours! No one had ever spoke to me the way he had and though I knew what he wanted to give me was impossible, I liked hearing the words. They made me feel just as good as his embrace had.

The second I'd moved away from him though everything just seemed to be off kilter like I was leaving something behind with him. It was such an odd and unpleasant feeling but I forced myself not to dwell on it. I sat on the couch a healthy distance away from the friendly beast also known as Emmett making sure I kept the jovial side of him at it's peak. That would kill any defensiveness inside him and make him least likely to get confrontational. Really I knew that all my precautions were for naught though because Emmett had just purchased a new video game and probably had no idea that anyone else was even in the room with him, less known sitting across from him.

I watched as he gritted his teeth, bobbed and weaved, and cursed under his breath all while jabbing the buttons of the controller and staring at the screen. It was actually quite entertaining to watch. I just couldn't figure out if I was enthralled or amused. It was funny just how into it he was but as I glanced at the screen and saw that there were about fifty police cars chasing the one Emmett had just jacked I understood and maybe even shared his absorption.

I watched as the police got closer to him and then eventually nabbed him. He growled in frustration as the game started over. It didn't take long for him to end up in the same situation again. He kept going straight but he should have obviously turned into the alley and before I could stop myself I told him to do so.

"Turn left!"

He turned just like I told him and sense the path was narrow all the police can't get in.

"Now right!" I exclaimed as he reached the mouth of the alley.

Shortly after turning again Emmett reaches some garage and was safe from the police.

"Hell yeah!" Emmett roared in excitement and turned his fist to me. I growled launching myself off the couch and away from him. I spiked his cheer simultaneously bottoming out his strength automatically. I realized belatedly though that he was not throwing his fist at all and was smiling benignly at me. I was confused as to why he was holding that position. Even though my gift had altered him, it would not keep him stationary like this. Was he trying to confuse? Throw me off?

His strange tactic put me on edge even more. I wasn't as in control as I wanted to be, as I needed to be. I took in the rest of the Cullens and realized that all eyes were on me, watching me just as I was watching them. Everyone was stone still and the tension was thick and palpable. My main focus was Rosalie though who was behind me. Huge mistake. I pivoted so that they were both in my line of sight. I had to strip her of both her loyalty and protectiveness because Emmett was her mate and she would turn on me in order to safeguard him.

"Bella…," Rosalie said taking a step toward me but I took a step back making her stop her advance. I glanced back at Emmett and saw that he had dropped his fist but he was still smiling. The latter was my doing of course.

"He wasn't going to hurt you," came Edward's voice from beside me. I glanced at him and then back at Rose and Emmett.

"No?" I asked not so sure.

"He just wanted you to bump his fist. A thank you of sorts for helping him with the game. That's all," Edward whispered coming to stand so close beside me that my shoulder touched his chest. The contact removed some of the tension from my body and I looked up at him again to see if there was any deception in his eyes.

"I wouldn't lie to you," he responded to my thoughts as he placed his hand on the small of my back. My body completely relaxed then and I wanted to melt into him like I had earlier. I didn't let myself though. I didn't know what it was about Edward that made me react this way to him. It was foreign so I was naturally wary of it.

I looked back at Emmett who was still jolly. He raised his fist again to me and before I could react defensively Edward rubbed a small circle on my back.

"Pound it," Emmett smiled.

I took a deep breath and took a small step toward him. I knew that even if he did attack he was so weak at the moment that he would do about as much harm as a human would do to me. I raised my fist as I moved closer to him making his grin wider. I slowly but firmly bumped my fist into his.

"Hell yeah!" he shouted in glee before patting the space on the couch next to him. "Now let me teach you how to play!" he said shoving a second controller into my hand.

Now that I saw that it had not been Emmett's intention to hurt me I felt kind of silly about my reaction. I looked over at Rose and mouthed, "I'm sorry."

She smiled back and shrugged her shoulders before turning her attention back to the magazine she had been flipping

The weekend approached and all the guys decided to go on some sort of male bonding type hunting trip over in the mountains. That left the house to us girls and no one was more excited about that than Alice. She had stocked up on magazines, chick flicks, nail polish and all the fixings for mani's and pedi's, cute pajamas that we were all supposed to wear, and complied a play list on her iPod filled with what she called quality bubble gum music.

"Try not to be a complete savage," I said to Emmett through the driver side window of his jeep.

"Aw babe, I want to have fun this weekend," he said poking out his lower lip in a pout that me feel all achy below the waist. I leaned forward and kissed him before I had even made the conscious decision to do so.

"Go for it then, baby," I purred against his lips making him growl deep in his chest.

"Alright, thank you, bye Rose!" Edward bitched from the back seat. I threw a glare his way.

"Fuck off, Eddie," I snapped before turning and going back into the house.

I could hear the girls all congregated in Esme and Carlisle's room. Alice and Bella were clashing in a very heated argument.

"Alice, I'm not fucking wearing it!" Bella growled fiercely as I walked into the room. Alice was seemingly unfazed but even I was a little taken aback by Bella's anger. She hadn't been this aggressive since she awakened.

"Bella I've seen you in this night gown already! Give in and put it on," Alice replied crossing her arms.

"Your visions are not concrete in the least Alice!"

"Only a person's decision can change my visions, right?"

"Correct."

"Well if you've already decided not to wear it and I still you in it that makes what I saw pretty damned concrete!"

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you right back. Now put this on!"

Alice and Bella faced off in an intense staring contest as Esme and I looked on in silence. Bella was fuming with her fists balled at her sides while Alice stared back expressionless and holding out a pale pink satin knee length night gown with a lace hem and v-neckline. After so long, Esme finally stepped forward.

"Can I just ask why you don't want to wear it, Bella?"

"I just…," Bella began but then ducked her head low making her hair curtain her face and wrapped her arms around her waist. "Don't want anyone to see…me," she finally mumbled.

"Honey, I don't know if you view this as the same but when Rose first brought you here, we all helped bathe you. We've already seen…," Esme trailed off at the end sympathetically.

We had all seen Bella's body and I could understand completely why she would feel uncomfortable showing much of herself. There wasn't much she could do about the scars on her face and honestly compared to the rest of her, her face was not so bad. There were just a few scars scattered along her jaw and one odd bite over her eye. Below the neck however was just…awful.

"I know," Bella replied her soft voice becoming impossibly softer. She opened her mouth a few times to speak but then closed it right back before sighing in defeat. "And the men will stay gone all weekend?" she asked.

"They won't be back until 5:23am Monday morning," Alice assured her.

Bella took the gown from Alice and moved to the corner of the room to change. Esme, Alice, and I all immediately began to change into our night clothes as well not wanting to make Bella change alone. I was glad that Bella had decided to wear the gown but I was a little pissed at Alice for making her do it. I mean why didn't Alice just but her a nice fucking pair of pajamas that came with pants! Would it fucking kill Alice not have things her way for once in her damned life! For a split second I thought about chucking my own damn nightie and sliding into something of Emmett's just to piss the little sprite off.

I decided against it though for Bella's sake. It would probably be best if we were all dressed somewhat the same. Even though everyone else's pajamas including Esme's were a bit slinkier. When everyone was into their jammies, Alice turned out the lights in the bedroom and put Chocolat in the DVD.

"Oooh! Johnny Depp!" Esme exclaimed clapping her hands excitedly. "Good job, Alice!"

Alice smiled smugly and curtseyed gracefully.

We all moved to settle down on the huge palette Alice had made on the floor. She had taken out Esme and Carlisle's bed so that the palette would cover most of the floor. It was padded with tons of blankets and pillows. I glanced at Bella to see how she was before lying down on my stomach. My anger toward Alice flared once again as I saw that Bella's eyes were glazed over letting me know that if possible she would either be in tears right now or on the verge. She shoulders were pushed back and her held was held high showing her defiance and/or confidence. She lowered herself down to my right resting on her belly as well but made sure that she was not boxed in.

"Which one is Johnny Depp?" Bella asked a few minutes into the movie.

"He's not on the screen yet," Esme replied.

"But don't worry you won't miss him, he's as beautiful as a human can get," Alice added.

"I thought you two liked blondes," I asked quirking a brow at them. Esme giggled and Alice shrugged her shoulders.

"Maybe I just like guys whose names start with a J," Alice retorted.

"What's your justification mother dear?" I asked.

"…I just like people with penises?" Esme responded uncertainly but my jaw dropped at her answer none the less. Alice and Bella's jaws were on the ground as well. Esme giggled at our reactions and turned her attentions back to the screen. I couldn't believe that our sweet old matriarch had said something like that. Esme was always a little more ribald when it was just us girls but never had she said anything as smutty as that! I had to admit…I was pretty fucking impressed.

I noticed how quiet Bella had been during the whole conversation and turned to her bumping my shoulder against hers.

"What about you?" I asked. "Blondes, Brunettes, or Penises?"

Bella bit her lip and shrugged noncommittally.

"Maybe you enjoy unique red heads? Of the copperish, bronze variety?" Alice probed suggestively.

"My mate is a blonde," was Bella's curt reply. I didn't know if she was still smarting from being forced into the nightie or just didn't want to talk about Edward.

"Do you miss him terribly?" Esme asked leaning her head forward so that she could see Bella's face better.

"Only when I let myself dwell on how alone I am and probably always will be. I've had very few people who actually wanted me in their lives and he was one of them," Bella answered wistfully.

"Well now you can add us to the list," Esme smiled slowly reaching over to grab Bella's hand. We were all now accustomed to the fact that any physical contact with Bella had to be obtained very cautiously. Unless you were me, Bella never had a problem with my touching her.

Or Edward…

"We want you with us, Bella," Esme said.

"Yes, of course," Bella replied in a placating tone but not seeming as if she really believed it. She turned her eyes to the screen and her eyes lit up. "That must be Depp."

Esme, Alice and I looked at the screen and we all sighed in appreciation. "Yeah," Alice swooned.

_**Edward**_

I stomped the dirt trying to even it out after burying the mountain lion. When I was done, I perched on top a boulder and shook my head as Emmett approached me looking like something out of a horror movie. His shirt was in tatters around his form, barely even a shirt at all anymore, with blood splattered all over him.

"Did you even get to drink anything," I asked.

"Yep," he grinned proudly holding his head high in triumph.

"You look like you had a run in with Lizzie Borden," I told him.

He guffawed like the big oaf he was making the sound echo throughout the forest and probably sending any prey within twenty miles running.

"I'm a man!" Emmett said thumping his fist on chest. "Unlike you, I don't feed like a prissy little bitch!"

"Nope," I agreed. "You feed like a rabid dog."

"Speaking of rabid, what's going with you and Bella," Emmett asked.

A growl erupted from me automatically. "Say something about her like that again and I'll take your fucking head off," I seethed furiously.

Emmett put his hands up in surrender and rolled his eyes. "Learn to take a joke, Ed," he groaned exasperatedly. "You know that I'm Team Bella."

I rolled my eyes and took a deep calming breath. I knew that Emmett was right and that I'd overreacted but I couldn't help it. I was overly sensitive when it came to Bella. I think she was affecting me more than I was affecting. I had set out to make her feel safe and comfortable around my family and me. As time went on though I seemed to be reacting more to her fear that everyone was against her. I found myself ready to jump down the throat of anyone who had the slightest negative thought toward her even if I knew that they didn't mean any harm.

"Sorry," I grumbled averting my eyes from my brother.

He shrugged his shoulders already having forgiven me. He leaned against the a tree and crossed his arms over his chest as he regarded me carefully. He was thinking of all the time I spent with Bella and how obvious it was that I really cared about her.

"This is something you plan to keep at friend level or something you want to take further," he asked me.

I sighed knowing by the tone of his voice that he was not playful and crude Emmett anymore. Right now he was perceptive and wise Emmett. That made me feel a little bit better about embarking in this conversation with him. Usually I reserved talking about my feelings regarding Bella for my own contemplation or for Alice. Emmett could be pretty insightful when he wanted to be and I was way of out my league. I needed all the help I could get.

"I don't know," I finally answered. "I do care for her and the way I feel when I'm with her…I want to feel that every second of every day. I can never be sure how she feels though. I mean sometimes she's really open and relaxed but more often than not she's reluctant and defensive. Right now I just want to take what she can give me," I told him honestly.

Emmett nodded his head in approval. "That's probably for the best. I know it's hard to see someone you care about struggle when you know that things don't have to be that way for them, but sometimes the only thing pushing them does is make them push back," he told me. "There are times to be insistent and times to just let them be. You're a smart kid, it won't take you long to learn the difference."

I snorted a laugh at the fact that he called me a kid. It was true that physically Emmett was three years older than me but really I was fourteen years older than him. Emmett was more experienced though when it came to women. He'd had relationships before his change and obviously after, not to mention things with him and Rosalie had not started out so smoothly. It had been rough for them because of Rose's past, but they worked through it. It was that reason that made Emmett's words of advice invaluable to me.

"Hopefully I'll learn sooner than later. I always feel like she's one foot out the door," I told him.

"The last time she jumped ship you found her. I don't know how because Rosie told me just how thorough Bella hand been in scattering her scent but you brought her back. If she's always ready to run, you simply have to always be ready to chase," he said.

I nodded my head again knowing that he was right. Sheer drive, frantic determination, and single minded focus allowed me to track Bella down that day. It had been hard but I'd did it and I knew if need be I could do it again.

Before Emmett and I could finish our conversation Jasper and Carlisle came back and it was time to head back home. It had been a fun weekend and I was beyond sated. Through out the whole drive my mind stayed on Bella. I had missed her more than I thought I would over the weekend and I was just itching to see her. When we got close enough to the house I began searching out Bella's mind hoping that she wasn't denying me today. I smiled when I saw that her mind was indeed open and she was in my bedroom. Was it crazy and presumptuous to think that she may have just missed me too?

I was out of the car and up the stairs before Emmett had even came to a complete stop. I found her standing with her back toward me facing the corner. I could see through her mind that she was looking at my guitar that I propped up there.

"Always the piano," she mused quietly. "How come you never play this?" she asked turning slowly to face me.

I shrugged my shoulders not being able to hide the smile that immediately graced my lips when I was able to see her face.

"I'm better at the piano," I told her.

"Practice makes perfect," she replied. "I want to hear you play…," she began but was cut off as a loud moan echoed through the house. I squeezed my eyes shut as I saw Rosalie looking down at Emmett between her legs. I wished like hell that I didn't have to be privy to this type of stuff but there was no way for me to turn off my mind reading.

Apparently everyone had really missed their mates over the weekend because it seemed like everyone was about to have sex. Awful images bombarded my head until suddenly I couldn't see anything in my head except for myself because Bella was looking at me. I opened my eyes and saw that there was a smug smirk on her face. _"See how useful I am, Mind Reader?"_

"Thank you!" I breathed more grateful than she would ever know. I couldn't see my families escapades anymore but Bella and I could still hear them. I could tell that she was very uncomfortable with situation just as I was. Her face was fixed in a frown as she fidgeted and shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Feeling the urge to help her again, I grabbed her hand and tugged her toward the window.

"Wanna get out of here?" I asked even though I knew she wouldn't object.

She glanced at her hand in mine for a second as some unfathomable emotion flashed in her eyes. I could feel that amazing electricity between us as our skin touched and I wondered if that's what she was reacting to. I couldn't be for sure though because she had taken away my gift entirely now.

"Let's go," she replied nodding her head and stepping toward the window as well. We dropped down to the ground and set off at a run. Bella disentangled her hand from mine and I put a lot of effort into not letting the disappointment show on my face. I kept running with her following my lead wordlessly. We reached my meadow quickly and I stopped letting her enter the clearing first.

"This place is beautiful, Edward," she whispered walking to the center and lowering herself down to sit on her calves. She leaned forward to smell some of the wildflowers that were around her before looking up at me with brightened eyes. "I love wildflowers. They grow naturally. No one planted them, so when you see them you know they are exactly where they were meant to be, where they want to be," she whispered.

I smiled and moved to sit across on the ground across from her. She was in one of my Dartmouth sweatshirts and the jeans I'd worn the day before I left. I could smell our mingled scents and it was intoxicating. I wanted to hold her hand again but I didn't know how she would respond. I opted to just keep my hands to myself not wanting to risk souring her mood.

"Never thought about it that way," I replied turning my gaze from her to the flowers around us. They were beautiful and they did smell good but I they were not my favorites. "I prefer white ginger," I told her.

She looked up at me with a question in her eyes, "Really? That's different. I've never known anyone to favor them, though they are beautiful," she replied.

"It's the smell I'm partial to," I said staring into her eyes. "It's what you smell like. White ginger and nectarines. If I were human I would most definitely favor the fruit as well."

Bella's stared at me with a blank expression for what seemed like ages. I was nervous and anxious to know what she was thinking but I returned her gaze with an outward calm. When she finally looked away from me, her eyes scanned the woods around us quite thoroughly until looking back at me.

"I don't want you to talk like that, okay?" she finally said.

"You don't want me to tell the truth?" I asked.

"You know what I mean, Edward," she replied narrowing her eyes at me and she was right. I did know what she meant but again I didn't understand why. "It makes me uncomfortable when you talk about me like that."

"I can't tell you that I like the way you smell? You tell me all the time. Apparently it's part of the reason why we share a closet."

"I like your scent because it keeps me calm, makes me feel…better and that's all. I think there's a little more to why you like my scent," she said.

"Bella I'm not trying to flatter you into a relationship with me. The feelings I have for you are new to me and a little overwhelming. I am content with being your friend though. I would just like to talk to you and spend time with you. I'm sorry I make you uncomfortable but I don't know what's right and wrong to say. All I know is what I want to say," I responded earnestly.

"But if I tell you not to say something again, will you stop?" she asked.

I nodded my head and that seemed to appease her. She breathed a small sigh of what may have been relief but I wasn't sure.

"I don't know how good of a friend I could be to you, Edward. We are very different from each other. I…like…being around you too but I'm not very trusting. I like my space too much to be close to anyone. I'd rather think than talk and…," she began reluctantly but I cut her off.

"That doesn't matter," I said. "We can just keep things that way they are. There is no mandatory make up needed for a friendship to work. We can keep doing we what always do. I'll keep hanging out in your room, you can keep hanging out in mine. If you feel like talking we will and if you don't we won't," I shrugged nonchalantly.

She sighed and looked away from me again. Her brow was furrowed and I could tell that she was thinking very hard about what I said or how she wanted to answer. I watched as she opened her mouth several times to speak but closing it soon after, saying nothing. Her contemplation slowly morphed into frustration and then anger. Her fists balled at her sides and she growled low but still ferocious.

"Fuck Edward!" she half yelled half groaned. "I don't know what…I can't…I'm just so afr…," she trailed off in defeat after not being able to actually verbalize what she wanted to say. The distress was clear on her face and it pained me that nothing came easy for her. For everyone else agreeing to be someone's friend just happened, for Bella it was a grueling decision making process. I leaned forward encircling my arms around her and held her to my chest. She exhaled loudly before melting against me.

"It's okay, Bella," I crooned. "It's just me. I'm not looking for anything to change between us…," I began but this time she cut me off.

"They will though, Edward, and that would be bad. It would be wrong," she muttered into my chest. I could feel her gripping the back of my shirt but tried not to focus on it too much. It kind of turned me on and this was definitely not the time for that.

"Look Bella, can we just not think about what may or may not happen? Let's just focus on today, right now, right this second. Fuck two minutes and two months down the road. Right now we're in this beautiful meadow not listening to my family go at it like rabbits. We're just hanging out and being Bella and Edward, whoever the hell they are," I said letting my hands run through her silken hair.

She sighed and nodded her head. "That'll work."


	11. Chapter 11

_**Bella**_

I didn't allow myself to be wrapped in Edward for a lengthy amount of time this go round. I pulled away from him and laid out in the grass on my back. The smell of the flower and earth cocooned me as I gazed up at the thick blanket of clouds in the sky.

"How was your weekend?" Edward asked sprawling on the ground beside me. He was a little too close but surprisingly I did not feel an urge to get away from him.

"Torturous from the very start. Alice forced me into a ridiculous nightie, there were a million songs played by some little twits named Miley and Britney, we watched fifteen movies all with similar plots and predictable endings, I know more intimate details about Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper than necessary or appropriate, and on top of everything Alice did this," I said holding up my one of my hands so that he could that the nails were painted cotton candy pink.

"That's Alice for you," Edward laughed taking my hand to examine my nails further. "Are your toes painted as well?"

"Unfortunately," I nodded. "Apparently it's some beauty-style-fashion type law against not having all nails the same color or something."

"When ever I see Alice in action it really makes me happy that I'm a man. I don't have to go through half the crap Rosalie and Esme do," he said.

"That's because they want her to do those things. I only participated this weekend because I didn't want to be a complete bitch all the time," I replied.

"You're unstable most of the time but never a bitch," Edward said turning his golden gaze my way. "And Rose and Esme allow Alice to gussy them up because they know it's no point in trying to stop her. And since I like you so much, I'll warn you that Alice has been plotting against you. She'll strike soon," he laughed while I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not afraid. If push comes to shove I'll tweak her visions a little. Scare her off," I said.

"But won't she know that you're fucking with her?"

"No. Not all vampires are aware that I'm _fucking_ with him as so eloquently put it. It all depends on the mechanics of the gift. Alice wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a fabricated vision and an authentic one."

"I can tell when you've done something to me," he told me.

"Most of the time and that's because there's an exact science to your gift. There isn't with Alice. You however wouldn't be able to tell if I made it possible for you to only hear thoughts that people wanted you to hear. Fabrications are the easiest to get away with," I responded.

"Have you ever fed me false thoughts?" he asked.

There was something in his voice that made me hesitate to answer. There was some unasked question and fear in his eyes. I didn't understand it but it made me a little nervous. I wanted to give him the answer that would take that look away but I wasn't sure what he was looking for. From what I've heard truth was the best policy, so I gave him the honest answer.

"No."

His responding grin made me sigh in relief.

"Good," he said.

"Why?"

"It just confirmed that I'm right in trusting you."

I sighed and shook my head. It was statements like that, that made me regretful of my behavior around Edward. He was by no means a child but sometimes I thought him naïve or maybe not exactly stupid but illogical. How could he trust me when not long ago I had completely lost control and attacked him? Had he not just deemed me unstable? In light of these two facts alone, I wouldn't trust myself.

"You shouldn't," I said staring above me at the sky. "As you know, I've proven myself to be disloyal in the past. You don't know that I won't turn on you."

"I trust you, Bella. And I know you trust me too," he said rather confidently. I turned my head to look at him but now he was looking at the sky.

"And what makes you think that?" I asked.

"Because here we are alone and you're completely calm. You talk to me more than anyone else in my family besides Rose. You let me hold you when you're upset and when I told you that Emmett wasn't going to hurt you, you believed me," Edward listed.

Well, I had no response to that. He after all was very right and that made me feel really disconcerted. I couldn't actually deny that I trusted him after that, but I didn't _want_ to trust him either.

"Are you freaking out?" Edward asked.

I glared him but remained silent. I wasn't freaking out per se. I was just thinking frantically about how I was subconsciously letting another gorgeous man wheedle his way into my life. Suddenly being alone like this with Edward was not so relaxing and his intoxicating scent was suffocating me.

"You're going to be late for school," I told him hurriedly rising to stand. I turned to head back to the house but Edward grabbed my wrist. I gasped at the tingling sensation as a delightful shudder passed through me.

"Don't get weird on me, Bella. Please," he said firmly but I could still hear the plea in his voice.

"I'm not," I lied suddenly defensive. "I told you I like my space and right now I need it."

"Okay," he said keeping his eyes locked on mine. We stood there in staring match for a few more seconds before he let my wrist go and we ran back to the Cullen mansion.

Once inside Edward and I wordlessly went our separate ways after reaching the second floor. I went to my room and he continued up to his. After Edward left the house though I was filled with too many emotions. Some I could put names too and others I couldn't. I should have worked to try and figure out the unknown feelings but the ones I did know scared me too much to think about anything else.

The instant I could no longer hear the Volvo rolling down the Cullen's long drive I missed Edward. I had been eager to get away from our discussion in the meadow but now I just wanted him back. I wanted him sitting on the window sill watching me as I looked out the window and listened to my music. I even wanted to feel his arms wrapped me as I rested my head on his broad chest and I found myself anxious and impatient for him to get back home.

And those feelings made me want to cry. All my energy focused on not doing just that leaving me with nothing to keep me standing. I slid down the wall and sat on of floor with my legs stretched out in front of me and continued to lower myself until I was lying on the floor. I thought back to the meadow and how wonderful that moment had been. I'd had fun just talking to Edward and relaxing in the grass. The light and easiness of it somehow made the time special to me. I knew that, that was a pretty pathetic realization but I just wanted to keep having those moments and would have preferred them to keep happening with Edward.

I'd had good times with Rose and Esme all the time, but they just didn't feel the same as when I was with him. And because of this, I had reevaluate my own feelings. I was damn certain about how he felt even if he wasn't, but I had been so focused on him that I hadn't stop to think about myself. I could no longer deny that I trusted Edward. I liked being around him. I missed him when he was gone. He soothed me when I was upset by both his touch and his words. I was addicted to his scent and I thought him the best looking vampire I had ever seen including Lucas. I longed to be in his arms and I had definitely lusted after him a few times.

With all of this information, it would seem that maybe, just maybe my feelings were not all that different from Edwards. There was a very good chance that I wanted him too. There was also a possibility that because Edward, the only unclaimed man in this house, showed some sort of interest in me, I was cleaving to him and simply mirroring his feelings for me back to him. It was a down right fact that no matter how old I got I was still a fucking pathetic little girl with daddy issues.

I rolled onto my side and tried to play some music just to have something beautiful fill my ears and head. I kept listening to Caring is Creepy by The Shins. I softly sang the words to the song letting only the lyrics make up my thoughts, but even though I was consumed with the song I still heard Esme enter my room. I couldn't see her because my back was to the door but I didn't bother turning over or even getting up.

It occurred to me that facing away from another vampire was very dangerous and very stupid. Had it been anyone else I would have righted this wrong as soon as I heard her coming up the stairs. It was Esme though and I just didn't feel threatened by her. I wasn't sure if it was because I trusted her too or because my knowledge of her assured me that she was harmless even to a fly. I wasn't in the mood to really dissect it so I just filed it away for later when I wasn't depressed, confused, and longing for Edward.

Esme came to sit behind me and began running her fingers through my hair. An involuntary purr escaped me as I realized that no one had ever done that before. It was such a simple thing but it made me feel something. I found myself wanting to cry again but I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth. I couldn't lose control like that. Crying would get me nowhere and I would just feel worse afterward for being such a weakling. I trembled as I worked to keep my sobs in and Esme must have noticed because she sighed from behind me.

"I hope to see you happy one day, Bella. I hope to see you smile," she murmured.

I wanted to respond but I couldn't. If I opened my mouth or did anything at all she would only hear me cry. I didn't want to do it and I didn't want her to see it. She never said anything else but kept stroking my hair until we heard the Volvo come to a stop outside. Esme leaned down and kissed the back of my head nearly crumbling my reign over my emotions. She left my room closing the door behind her but as she reached the stairs I could hear another pair of footsteps coming up. I had memorized the rhythm of every Cullen's footsteps so I knew exactly who was coming up and where they were heading. I pulled myself off the floor and went to the door to let him in. He looked shocked to see me opening the door and I guess that was understandable since I just usually told people to come in. I didn't know why I decided to open the door for him but I didn't care either. I just wanted him inside. He stepped in the room and I closed the door behind him. When I turned to face him he was directly behind me and I found myself warmly in his embrace again.

"I'm here."

"I know."

_**Rosalie**_

I sighed heavily and wondered why the hell, Bella indulged Emmett so much. This was clearly a bad idea but here we all were watching the show. I was both surprised and impressed that my husband had not made this request earlier. Maybe he had been hesitant and a little intimidated by Bella for obvious reasons but after the whole fist bump fiasco things between them seemed to be progressing quite nicely. This meant more to me than I cared to admit. It made me happy that Bella and Emmett could talk and be somewhere between cordial and friendly with one another.

"You don't even know how much that damn tree weighs," Jasper exclaimed.

Emmett looked at Bella and she simply shrugged, "It's the heaviest thing I could find for you to lift without any humans around to notice," she said.

Appeased, Emmett nodded his head and turned back to the huge bilbao tree rubbing his hands together. Bella, off to the side of him leaning against another tree, was watching him with an amused look in her eye.

"Tell me when to go!" Emmett yelled wrapping his arms around the massive trunk as best as he could.

"Go," Bella replied instantly.

Everyone else fell silent as Emmett let out some primal war/he-man cry before uprooting the entire fucking tree leaving an enormous gaping whole in the earth. Vampires were strong but I knew that none of us would have been able to single-handedly pulled that tree from the ground complete with roots and all. It was the most shocking thing I had ever seen for about three seconds until Emmett flipped the tree on it's side and held it above his head with one hand.

"No fucking way," Alice breathed beside me.

My words exactly. Emmett continued to show off his Bella given strength easily tossing the tree high in the air and then catching it with the smuggest grin on his face. I glanced at Bella just as she rolled her eyes.

"That's amazing," Carlisle breathed glancing back and forth between Bella and Emmett. "Do you know if he's using his maximum strength right now?" he asked her.

"Not quite," she replied squinting at Emmett. "He could lift about another 75 ton," she said.

"Let's find something bigger then!" Emmett exclaimed dropping the tree back where it was making the ground shake.

"I just said that was the biggest thing I could find!" Bella exclaimed.

"The biggest thing _you_ could find. Let _me_ try and track something down."

And with that Emmett shot off deeper into the woods in search of God knows what. I walked over to Bella and crossed my arms while mock glaring at her.

"I hope you know that he's going to fall in love with you," I said.

Her eyes grew to the size of dinner plates as her mouth fell open to a perfect O.

"Rosalie I'm so sorry! I _didn't_ know! I would have never, _never _done this! He asked to see how strong he could be and I didn't see the harm in it. When he comes back, I'll tell him…," she blurted her lips literally moving a mile a minute.

"Bella!" I exclaimed grabbing her hands trying to shut her up just as a wave of calm drifted over to us, compliments of Jasper no doubt.

"I was only joking, honey," I assured her.

"If you want me to stay away from him, that wouldn't be a problem. You know that right? I mean you're my friend and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that," she told me looking into my eyes imploringly.

"I know that," I nodded. "But you don't have to stay away from Emmett. I know there's no chance that either of you will ever be attracted to one another. We're all mated," I said feeling kind of awkward having to remind her of that. Bella looked a little confused but nodded her head anyway.

"Okay," she muttered pulling her hands from mine and looking away. I wanted to talk more about why the hell she reacted that but I knew that it was best to have conversations with Bella one on one. It was easier for her to talk and elaborate in more intimate settings. I glanced back at the rest of my family and while neither of them were looking this way right now, I knew that they had all seen and heard what had just happened.

"Let's head back home," Alice said. "Emmett's not going to find anything today."

We all ran back to the house and I couldn't help but notice how Edward who was usually leading the way since he was faster than everyone else was hanging back to run beside Bella and I. She must have noticed too because she rolled her eyes again and jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow. When we got home, Emmett arrived about a half hour later with a glum look on his face.

"I didn't find anything," he grumbled.

I smiled and opened my arms to him, "Come here, baby. I'll help you look again tomorrow."

I kissed his lips and he went and settled down in front of his video game. I glanced at Bella who was leaning against the banister looking extremely uncomfortable as she always did when she decided to hang out with the rest of the family in the living room. I stared at her until she felt my gaze and turned her head to look at me.

"Go for a walk?" I asked which was basically our unofficial code for "We should talk".

She pursed her lips as she mulled it over. She finally nodded her head and we left the house but instead of actually going for a walk I led us to my beautiful baby; my cherry red M3 BMW. I stroked her hood as I passed on my way to the driver's side and held back a swoon. Bella and I settled into the car and I took off heading toward Port Angeles.

"Taking me home?" Bella asked remembering that this was where she had hidden under the dock.

"You're a riot Bella Swan," I deadpanned.

"Well I do try," she replied.

"We're going to Port Angeles because I wanted to browse some of the boutiques," I told her.

Bella glanced in the back seat and then at me, "But Alice isn't here," she said.

"WHAT!" I shrieked slamming down on the breaks and turned around to look in the backseat with faux terror on my face.

"Fuck you, Rose," Bella smirked realizing that I was being sarcastic and overly dramatic. I laughed and pressed on the gas again.

"I'm just looking for accessories and I have been granted permission to do so on my own," I said.

"I see."

I parked and paid the meter in downtown Port Angeles. Bella fell in step with me as we headed to one of my favorite boutiques. They were a wide variety of pieces, some made by the owner, some name brand, and a lot of vintage. We walked in and looked around silently for a while. I noticed that Bella kept stopping to look at all things cameo and I was very surprised. To me, cameo was very delicate and feminine. Bella looked delicate and feminine but she didn't behave that way at all.

"So what was up with the freak out in the woods?" I asked casually.

"I guess what you said hit a little too close to home," she shrugged. "I didn't realize that you were joking because other vampires have been known to fall in love with my gift."

"Really?" I asked glancing up to find her trying on a ring. "Was the person mated?"

She nodded her head but didn't say anything else. She wasn't being quite as open about this subject as she was with others. I looked at her again and saw that she was now scowling.

"Was it a guy?"

"Yes."

"And his mate?"

"Was a crazy bitch."

"What happened?"

Bella sighed and moved on to look at some sapphire earrings. "It's such a long story, Rosalie."

"What else do we have besides, time," I asked rhetorically but she answered immediately.

"Scars," she said. "Figurative and literal."

Well I couldn't argue with that. I was all prepared to change the subject because I knew that if Bella didn't want to tell me then there was very little I could do to change her mind. She however kept talking so I kept my mouth closed and listened.

"His name was James and his mate was Victoria. She had been disturbed as a human and that carried over into his vampire life. Everything about her was screwy. Her craziness manifested as one of her gifts, or curse more like, but oddly enough I couldn't manipulate that aspect of her. James was leader of their coven made up of them and two other vampires Riley and Laurent.

"Lucas, Bree, and I met and traveled with them when Bree and Riley realized they were mates. Lucas warned us to never tell them about my gift but Bree ended up telling Riley anyway. Then Riley told James and everything quickly went to shit," she said. "James tried to get closer to me and it worked for a while to the great displeasure of Victoria. I never slept with him or anything but Victoria deemed me a whore and…retaliated accordingly."

"What the fuck does that mean!" I shouted a little too loudly and succeeded in making the woman manning the store drop the box she was carrying.

Bella glared at me and went to help the lady pick up the box and gather the items that had spilled out. I tried to calm down but the possibilities of what Bella could mean by some calling her a slut and then _retaliating accordingly _made me feel a little murderous. When Bella was done helping the woman she went back to checking out a case of bejeweled barrettes.

"I want to buy some of this stuff. Maybe I'll use that credit card that Carlisle gave me after all," she mused. "I'll probably never wear it, but I just want to have it you know?"

"I know you're trying to change the subject," I retorted. "What did you mean?"

Bella's cell phone began to ring and she immediately went to answer it with a relieved look on her face.

"To what do I owe the pleasure, Alice," Bella answered turning her back to me.

"Bella please buy that stuff! I've just picked up this lovely jewelry box for you to keep in and everything!" I could hear Alice squealing.

I considered taking the phone from Bella's ear and destroying it in my fist but I pulled myself together. I wanted answers but I could already see that I wasn't going to get them. My initial reaction must have persuaded Bella to close the topic and that pissed me off even more. I left the store to get some fresh air and clear my head. Bella stayed inside for another 20 minutes before finally coming out with a bag full of stuff. She linked her arm with mine and led me back to my car.

"Wait 'til you see what all I got," she said. "Of course I won't wear it so you can borrow any or all of it if you want since you didn't buy anything."

I scoffed but nodded my head. I hoped she bought those sapphire earrings. They were really pretty…

_A/N: Okay so all the chapters before this were already written and posted on Twilighted. I posted them in rapid succession just so that I could catch this site up. From here on out the chapters will be coming once a week. Thanks to you all of you who have read, reviewed, and favorited this story already!_


	12. Chapter 12

_**Edward**_

I strummed the strings of my guitar absent mindedly while I tried to think of something to play for Bella. She was sitting cross-legged on my bed just staring at me. Her expressionless unwavering gaze was making me nervous and I felt abnormally fidgety.

"I'm waiting, Edward," she said after three minutes of my randomly plucking strings and tugging at my hair.

"Why don't you tell me what you want to hear," I replied.

"I want to hear whatever you feel like playing," she responded evenly.

I sighed and narrowed my eyes at her. She seemed to be intent on being obstinate. I sat for a couple more seconds until a song popped into my head. I couldn't hide my smile as I quickly realized my selection pleased her. Her eyes lit up and her body began to sway as she joined in to sing as I played.

"Strumming my pain with his fingers. Singing my life with his words. Killing me softly with his song. Telling my life with his words. Killing me softly with his song…," she sang.

I closed my eyes and just focused on the music we made together. It sounded beautiful and also a little heartbreaking. When I'd finished the last chord and she'd finished the last lyric, I looked over at her and saw that there was a wistful look in her eyes. She moved to the edge of the bed and swung her legs over.

"Thank you so much for playing that for me," she whispered.

"My pleasure," I replied and for the first time I realized that I truly meant it. It was pleasurable to play for Bella and have her sing along. It was actually one of the most pleasure inducing moments I'd ever had while playing.

"Do you play other instruments?" she asked looking around my room to see if she could spot any.

"I tried the violin before but never kept at it."

"Why?"

"Just didn't like it."

"I played the violin when I was human."

"Do you remember how?"

She scrunched up her face but nodded her head in the affirmative. I quickly made the decision to buy one for her. If she'd made me play the guitar for her then I was definitely going to hear her play the violin.

"Were you any good?"

"First chair in my class," she answered proudly yet bitterly.

It was an odd mix of emotions and I feared that I would never understand the beautiful girl perched on my bed. I didn't question her reaction though. We'd been having such a nice day and I didn't want to ruin it with whatever darkness that I was sure accompanied the tone of her voice.

"Impressive," I smiled and she rolled her eyes. She went over to the glass wall and looked out pressing her hands against the glass. The ever present clouds over Forks had drifted away today and kept me and my family home. Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and Emmett had run off somewhere. Carlisle and Esme were in his study reading quietly together. It was rare that the house was this empty and I was enjoying the quiet and semi privacy that I never got when at home.

"Did you play when you were human?" she asked.

"I think that I did, but I had to relearn after my change."

"So you don't remember much from your human life?"

I shook my head and relaxed back into my seat. I furrowed my brow as I tried to gather all my dim memories. There weren't many and most of them happened right before I'd come down with Spanish Influenza.

"I only remember what my parents looked like and how they were, our house, and wanting to enlist in the war. World War I. I thought I was going to go off and be some big war hero, return in all my glory, and marry a beautiful girl and have a huge brood of children. I remember my best friend, a boy named Richard. I remember our piano too, it was a small wooden upright that was housed in the parlor. Besides those things, I can't recall a thing," I told her.

"A war hero, huh?" she asked with a wistful smile. She reached over and pulled my chair closer in front of her so that she could touch my face and run her fingers through my hair. My eyes fluttered closed and I sighed in contentment. Her touch was so tender and gentle and I wanted to feel it forever. Some part of me may have even needed it.

"That was a great dream to have. The wife and the kids. But the glory of a war hero comes at a high price. You wouldn't have come back as the same Edward that left. Everybody's trying to survive a war and the very worst and best is brought of those desperately trying to survive. It's hard to be who you were before you've seen or been put in that situation, seen how others deal, and witness others fail," she continued. "I'm glad that you never got the chance to chase that dream. I'm glad that I was able to know you and you're ignorant to the realities of war."

Even if I hadn't already known that Bella had participated in the Southern wars**,** I would have been able to tell by the haunted look in her eyes in the moment. She stopped running her hands through my hair but I wasn't ready to discontinue contact with her. I grabbed both her hands and laced our fingers together. She looked at our clasped hands like she always did. I didn't know why she did that but I always stayed quiet to let her do whatever she needed to. When her eyes met mine again I smiled but she averted her eyes.

I knew that Bella had problems with how close we were and I could understand that. She had been hurt in the past, so of course she would be skittish about all forms of intimacy. More important than that, she had a mate. I had no idea where he was or how or why they got separated. I tried to keep myself reigned in but I craved touching her and as long as she didn't pull away I would keep doing so. It was a selfish thing to do and I was sure that one day I would get hurt, but I would weather that storm when it came.

"I've been working on a song for you," I said wanting to get back to the lighter conversation we'd been having before all this talk about war.

"Really?" she asked quirking an eyebrow at me.

I nodded and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. My eyes zeroed in on the action causing something to tighten deep inside me.

"Piano or guitar?"

"I'll be able to play it on both."

"No shit?"

"Nope."

"I can't wait to hear it. Have you penned it? Can I see?"

I smiled and shook my head. I was happy that she seemed excited about the song but also nervous. What if she didn't like it? What if she hated it?

"It's a surprise," I mumbled replaying the half composed melody in my head.

"Well hurry up and finish it. I haven't heard anything less than fantastic from you so far," she said.

"Sure thing," I chuckled.

_**Esme**_

"You should let Alice do your nails again," I said glancing at Bella's chipped polish.

"Fat chance," she scoffed.

I snorted a laugh and shook my head before turning back to the task at hand. Bella and I were de-thorning yellow and white roses and arranging them in vases around the house. Bella who used to simply watch me fulfill my daily duties around the house, now lent a hand depending on what I was doing. She enjoyed helping with the garden, accompanying me to the grocery store and delivering food to shelters and donating clothes.

Bella and I had developed a good relationship and I really enjoyed our time together. Before she had arrived I would have to spend my days alone but now I had her company. We were very different from each other but we got along very well. I'd quickly begun to think of her as a part of the family even though I didn't know if that's how she thought of herself. I cared for her deeply but unlike the rest of the family I didn't automatically feel like a mother to her. She felt more like a sister to me or even a very close cousin. I could see that she was hurting and the maternal side of me naturally came to the forefront, wanting to mother and comfort her. But I could see that Bella wasn't the type to be coddled so I didn't bother attempting to.

We worked in amiable silence for a while before Bella broke the silence.

"When did you find out Carlisle was your mate?" she asked.

"I can't really say for sure. I met him before I was a vampire, when I was sixteen. I'd broken my ankle and he was the doctor that I went to see. Clearly he was the most beautiful man I'd ever laid eyes on. He looked more like a movie star than a doctor to me. I thought about him everyday after that. He was a dream man but of course I never saw him again after that. I married a man years later but he was nothing like Carlisle. He wasn't as handsome and not nearly as kind and gentle. He was very abusive and my family didn't care. They tried to force me to just deal with it and stay with him. No matter how many times he left me bruised and broken, no matter how many times I came to them screaming and crying, they would tell me if my husband hit me that I had done something to deserve it. That I deserved to have my face bloodied by his fist. I hated them, him, myself, and my life. I reached my breaking point though the day I found out I was pregnant," I said.

Bella moved closer to me but I averted my eyes. I could feel myself starting to choke up and it made me angry. I wished that I could just be over the pain that he inflicted. I hated that there were times he could still affect me.

"I ran away from him and from my family. I refused to bring my child into that kind of life. I believed that I was enough, that I could love him enough and provide a comfortable life for him. Times were different then and it was hard for women looking for work, not to mention a woman on the run pregnant with no money. My baby was born sick and died the day after I had him. I felt completely useless. I'd had enough of life and all its cruelty. There was nothing left on earth for me so I jumped off a cliff wanting to die and finally find some peace," I continued on. "I didn't though because the fall didn't kill me. I was found and oddly enough taken to a hospital where Carlisle worked. He remembered me from when I was a child and knew that I wouldn't have survived with my injuries. He changed me at first I hated him for making me a monster. But as I said, he was my dream man. I couldn't stay mad at him because I loved him and had loved for ten years. When I realized that he wanted and loved me as well and that I could have him forever, he took hold of that opportunity with both hands. I don't think we even talked about mating until the day before our wedding." I said.

Bella was silent for a long time after my story. I looked over at her and was met with an odd expression on her face. It was a mixture of great pain, confusion, and…envy?

"I…I'm really sorry that…," she struggled to find words for what she wanted to say and finally just gave in and embraced me. I stifled my gasp of shock and just hugged her back. The gesture meant a lot to me and I felt as if our relationship was strengthened in that moment.

"I'm just really sorry," Bella breathed before breaking the hug and wrapping her arms around herself.

"It's fine. I really should be over it by now you know?" I replied not really looking for a response and she didn't offer one. "Why did you ask?"

Bella rolled her eyes while shaking her head dismissively and shrugging her shoulders. "I don't know. I feel all weird and especially fucked up today."

"Does this have anything to do with…Lucas?" I asked tentatively. Bella's mate was a sore subject. It was rare for her to even mention him and even rarer for her to answer questions asked about him. I held my breath as I waited for her to see if she would respond, hoping she wouldn't chew me out for asking about him. Surprisingly she did answer and she didn't even seem angered but exasperated.

"Everything is about Lucas. Everything."

"Do you miss him?" I asked.

She dropped her head and sighed seeming defeated in some way. "Lucas is like a drug to me. I know that he's bad for me but I need him. I need…I'm so…I just need him, Esme. He's keeps me grounded and makes me feel normal, but he's just so bad," Bella whispered.

I stepped closer to her again feeling overwhelmingly sympathetic. Her words were confusing and I had no idea of what she actually meant. I wanted to help her but I just didn't know how.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She opened her mouth but closed right back a moment later. She let out a ragged breath and fisted both her hands in her hair so tight I feared she would rip it from her scalp. She emitted a strangled noise that was a heart wrenching mixture of a sob, whimper, and groan.

"Bella!" I exclaimed. "Please tell me what's wrong! What are you thinking?" I asked desperately. She shook her head from side to side rapidly as if to clear it as I grabbed her shoulders.

"Nothing. I'm fine. Really I'm fine," she said looking and sounding nothing but.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Positive," she nodded.

_**Bella**_

I was sitting in Esme and Carlisle's bedroom when the rest of the coven came home from school. After she'd told me about her past, I was more confused than I'd ever been in my entire life. My whole perception of Esme seemed to shift and she seemed more like an enigma to me than anything else. A woman who I once thought pathetic now only boggled my mind and made me admittedly jealous. So very jealous.

"Bella?" I looked over and in the doorway was Edward Cullen. I took in his beautiful and flawless features. I exhaled feeling the calm only his presence could provide. I was sure that he would break me more than I already was but I couldn't stop myself from wanting him. I tried with all my might to keep myself at a distance, to take caution with him but so many times I failed. He disarmed me and though that fact filled me with fear I never acted to protect myself. Sitting on Esme the Optimist's bed and looking at Edward the Dazzling, I realized that I was in way over my head with this coven.

Edward came forward and knelt before me. He looked into my face before bringing his hands up to graze his fingertips over the dark circles under my eyes.

"When's the last time you fed?" he asked. I replied with a shrug. The burn in my throat was torturous but I hadn't noticed until he mentioned it. "You need to feed," he said sternly. He stood and held out his hand for me to take. I stared at it in confusion before looking back up into his eyes.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Taking you to go hunt."

"No."

"Why not?" he asked a flash of hurt in his eyes.

"Well you remember what happened when Rosalie came with me. I really don't want to go through that again," I said even though that was far from the reason I didn't want him to come.

The thought of Edward seeing me hunt just didn't sit well with me. I couldn't imagine drinking from someone with him there watching me. I wouldn't be comfortable at all.

"I can assure you, that I'll be able to handle it," he rolled his eyes.

"You sure, Jim Stark?" I teased quirking a brow.

"Let's go, Bella," he said taking my hand and pulling me off the bed.

I swallowed audibly as he led me out of the house. On the way out we passed Rosalie and I threw her what I thought was a pleading expression, hoping she would understand and rescue me. She however was too wrapped up in some new car magazine that arrived in the mail today.

_Thanks a lot, Rose!_

My mind raced, thinking of ways to get Edward to let me hunt alone as he drove me toward Portland, but I couldn't think of anything. I couldn't fathom why he would even want to come in the first place. Did he miss the blood? Was he planning on joining me or something? I'd have no problem sharing a meal with him, but for some reason imagining it made me feel really guilty and wrong. Was he just coming because of some twisted fascination maybe? I couldn't say for sure but the closer we got to our destination, the more edgy I felt.

We arrived in downtown Portland and I covered my face with shades before getting out of the car.

"Edward are you sure? I mean Rosalie was really freaked out. You shouldn't subject yourself to that kind of temptation for no reason at all," I said as we walked down the street.

"Do you not want me here?" he asked.

"I don't mind," I lied trying to protect his feelings. "I just want to understand what you're doing."

"Morbid curiosity."

"That's sick, Edward."

"It's sick for me to watch, but not for you to actually kill someone?"

Annoyance swelled inside me and I clenched my fist tightly trying to channel my anger. I didn't want to lash out at him but I could feel it coming.

"_It's a part of who we are!" _I mentally shouted. _"I don't get you and your weird coven's feeding habits and I'm sure you don't understand mine but if you're going to judge me then I don't want you here!" _

"I do understand and I'm not judging you. That was a reasonable question…," he began but I turned my back to him not wanting to hear anymore. I was extremely thirsty and standing on a street filled with humans was not helping the pain in my throat. If he wanted to watch, that was fine. I just wanted to get this over with and go back to my room where he would not be joining me. I stormed down the street searching for my prey and finding her about thirty minutes later. She was young, no older than twenty-one, standing in a vacant parking lot talking on her cell phone as she leaned against her car. She smelled so sweet and the flames igniting my throat made me groan. Nothing else in the world existed except for the girl and the relief she promised.

The second her call ended, I glanced around quickly but thoroughly before attacking. I came at her from behind and snapped her neck. I could see our reflection in the window of her car. I caught the flash of surprise in her eyes before they hollowed as the life left her. They remained opened as my teeth sank into her neck.

The guilt racked through me, hard and agonizing. Her blood cooled my throat and flooded my body filling me with a bliss so sweet and sublime. I looked into the reflection of her dead eyes and held her closer to my body as I pulled her vitality into me. Claiming her precious liquid selfishly, I stifled a sob refusing to offer myself any relief of the sorrow I was meant to feel. When I'd swallowed the last drop, my knees hit the pavement as I cradled her limp body in to me. I fished for her wallet and opened it to find her I.D.

Shelby Valentine.

19 years old.

Would have been 20 had she survived another day.

I used my index and middle fingers to close her eyes before kissing her forehead that was nearly the same temperature as me, now.

"I'm so sorry, Shelby. I'm sorry that you didn't get to live and that your family will never see you again. No matter what kind of person you were, you didn't deserve this end. It wasn't for me to decide when you took your final breath but I did anyway. I don't know where you are now but hopefully you'll know that I am already punished for what I have done and will continue to be punished constantly throughout time. I'm not asking for forgiveness because I don't deserve it and will never receive it anyway. I do hope that you are resting in peace and that there is a heaven where you will reside protected forevermore from evils like me."

I picked up her body and performed one last atrocity against her, hiding her where her family and loved ones would never find her to protect myself and the other demons like me.


	13. Chapter 13

SM Owns.

**__**

Edward

When Bella spotted her prey, I was filled with emotions- all the wrong emotions. Acceptance, resignation, helplessness, grief, and fear. I knew that I should be disgusted that she had chosen someone so young, that she could murder so easily at all. I should have been angry and disappointed. I was sickened at myself for letting her do this, for accompanying her at all. When she asked me why I came, Id said morbid curiosity, but only because that was the only thing that came to my mind. Truthfully, I had no idea as to what the fuck I was doing.

I stood a good distance away from Bella and the girl she had randomly selected. Bella had taken away my ability on the drive to Portland so I couldnt hear the thoughts of anyone around including her and her prey. I heard the girls heart stop beating, her skin break as Bella bit, and the smell of her blood in the air. I really did feel like a demented voyeur but that didnt stop me from watching.

I chose to look at Bella rather than the girl. The look on her face was one Id never forget. If sleep for me was possible it would have haunted my dreams for eternity. It did more than break my heart, it shattered the soul I wasnt even sure I possessed. When shed finished feeding she collapsed to the ground clutching the dead girl and murmuring words to her that I couldnt hear. It was such a bizarre and devastating scene and I stood transfixed and more than a bit confused

After a few minutes, Bella rose and ran off to dispose of the body. I followed but kept my distance. Something told me Bella needed her space right now or maybe I needed mine. On the way back to the car, we hopped the rooftops to get back to my car faster. We remained silent the whole drive back but I kept wishing and praying that Bella would let me in her thoughts. I had to know what she was thinking as she sat in the passenger seat with her knees pulled to her chest and looking away from me out of her window. She didnt though. She didnt give me my gift back until we got back to the house.

**__**

Jasper

Had I known that Bella had left to go hunt, I would have made myself scarce a long time ago. I simply couldnt handle being anywhere around her when she came back from a hunt. Her emotions radiated so strongly that they overpowered everyone elses in the room. She would be so saddled with an odd mixture of debilitating guilt and sorrow mingled with a layer of acceptance. It made my knees buckle every time because her emotions were crippling and excruciating. I couldnt understand it and I didnt want to. Whenever she felt like that, the only thing that I wanted was to escape.

I had no idea how she could feel that and portray an outward calm. When she and Edward walked into the house I was immediately stripped of my gift and without thinking uttered my gratitude breathlessly.

Thank you!

She didnt look at me as she replied and kept walking up to her room. No problem.

The whole family looked shocked at our little exchange. Everyone except Edward of course. Bella and I never spoke to one another. In order to keep the peace I took heed when she told me to stay out of her way and she in return honored her promise to stay out of mine. We coexisted in a sort of peaceable hostility because even though we never argued there was no love lost between us. I wasnt even looking his way but I could feel his eyes on me, they may have actually been burning holes in my back. I figured that he may have wanted to talk but didnt want to say anything to draw Bellas attention. I didnt know if he could hear what I was thinking or not because if Bella had taken my gift to spare me from her emotions she may have spared Edward from her thoughts as well. I turned to face him and nodded my head once and he nodded back.

The rest of the family however, or should I say some that lacked couth, were not so discreet as Edward.

What the fuck was up with that? Emmett asked looking between me and the stairs that Bella had just ascended.

Nothing that concerns you, I replied.

Is it or is it not true that we dont keep secrets in this family? Emmett responded crossing his arms over his chest greedy for information.

I rolled my eyes but Rosalie jumped in to save me from responding. Stop being so nosey. Drop it, she said a small warning edge in her tone.

Im going for a run, Edward announced and I knew that, that was my cue.

Mind if I join you?

Sure, he shrugged nonchalantly not raising suspicion from any of the others.

If nothing else, Edward was a great actor. We left the house and began running west. Since Bella had stripped my gift I was able to see how far out the range of her gift stretched. I was more than shocked that it was over seven miles before I began to feel Edward beside me. I soon realized that Edward had really needed a run. We had been out of ear shot of our family for about three miles already and Edward showed no signs of slowing down. I was receiving strong contemplative, confusing, frustration and sympathetic vibes coming from him. I considered calming him but something told me that these were things he needed to feel right now. I stayed quiet letting him work out whatever it was that he was working out in his head.

I couldnt help but wonder what was going on though. He must have gone with Bella when she hunted. His emotions were different from Rosalies when she had gone with Bella. Rose had felt some staggering disappointment and self loathing on her return. None of these feelings were wafting from Edward right now but he was still troubled. I dont know what possessed them to tag along with Bella when she hunted humans but they both cared for her deeply and that apparently led them to do silly things.

Im terrified, Jasper, Edward exclaimed suddenly coming to a stop. I was shocked by his outburst but I still kept quiet knowing that the time for contemplating was over. It was now time for the talking.

Im terrified that if I let her out of my sight for just a second shes going to disappear and I cant lose her. Now that I see how different my life is with her around, I refuse to live without her. Everyday I leave for school Im tormented with the idea that she might be gone when I get back home. She was thirsty and I didnt want her in pain but I didnt want her out of my sight either. She had to hunt and I had to come with herfor my own peace of mind, he ranted.

I thought about what I wanted to say for a long time before speaking. I knew that Edward could hear all the possible responses in my head anyway but he never interrupted my thought process. I wasnt sure it was even my place to even offer him advice about Bella. I barely knew her and I knew even less about their relationship with each other. I did know emotions though and I tried to keep my words limited to that subject as much as I could.

Edward thats not a very healthy way to handle the situation. People need their space. Especially vampires when hunting. We both know how territorial our kind gets when it comes to feeding, I told him.

I know that Jasper, but if you were worried about Alice, I know for a fact that you would be her shadow until your fears were assuaged, he replied.

Youre comparing you and Bella to me and Alice? I asked quirking a brow. I wasnt offended or anything but I was worried. Like I said before I didnt know much about Bella but I did know that she was mated. I looked at Edward and tested the air around him and found that he was embarrassed, confused, and sad more than anything else. I was hoping to get an indication of how he felt about Bella but his words and actions were speaking loud enough that I didnt need my gift to know.

From as long as Id known Edward he had been oblivious, ignored, and denied any and all advances from women, human and vampire alike. It had gotten to the point where Emmett and myself speculated whether it was even a woman that he wanted. Now all of a sudden theres a fiercely damaged mated female vampire in our home and Edward wants her. Of all the women in the world salivating for him he chooses one thats entirely unattainable. The situation was so fucked up it was funny.

It is not! Edward growled before I could actually laugh. We didnt come out here to talk about that anyway. What did she feel exactly? When she came back in? It was really bad, right? And thats why she helped you? he asked as his eyes turned sad and helpless.

I grimaced thinking back to the emotions Id felt from Bella before she disabled me.

Yes it was really bad, I nodded. Its like that every time she comes back from a hunt, which is I why I try not be home if I think shes gone to feed, I told him. Edward Ive felt a lot guilt in my life, mine own and that of other people, but nothing has ever come close to this Edward. Im surprised she could even stand straight under the weight of it and it hurts like hell, I said looking him in the eye. And while that is bad enough, theres some resolve in her, acceptance, resignation, and oddly enough welcome. It its almost like she _wants_ to feel that way.

**__**

Edward

My mind was reeling with all the things Jasper had told me and things hed thought. I was more confused than ever and I needed help that was beyond Jasper. Luckily Carlisle was still at the hospital and not busy at the moment. Id told him I was coming and when I arrived I picked up on his mind in his office, where he was waiting for me.

I stepped inside the hospital with a quiet groan as the scent of blood, disease, infection, medicine, iodine, and anesthetic assaulted my nose. Id been here many, many times before but the smell was something I could never get used to. It was overwhelming, thick, and wholly unpleasant. I had no idea how Carlisle could do this day in and day out for centuries. He was a man of inconceivable strength and will. I found myself admiring him as I always did when in this place. I could hear the minds of several people worshipping him and not just his looks but also his skill, dedication, and confidence in his craft. I was proud of him and grateful that Id had him to guide me through this existence. I was one of the most fortunate among the unfortunate.

When I stepped inside his office, I took the empty seat across from his desk. He was watching me carefully and his thoughts were intrigued yet worried. There were many things I wanted to talk to him about and all of them had something to do with Bella.

I went hunting with Bella today, I told him. The surprise was clear on his face and in his thoughts but he didnt verbalize them.

And howd it go?

It was strange. IIm not really sure how to explain it. I felt all of the wrong things. I wasnt disgusted by what I saw or anything. All I could feel was disappointment in myself and worry for Bella, I told him feeling the shame creep back into me.

Why were you worried about Bella, he asked leaning forward to clasp his hands on top of his desk.

I decided our conversation would be a lot easier if he knew the entire story so I told it to him starting from when I first saw that she was thirsty and ending when Id made the decision to come here. I sit quietly as he processes what Ive told him. I am quiet but I am also uneasy and a little annoyed. Because I hear the workings of his mind, I know that his thoughts are not that far off from Jaspers. Its great that my family is worried about me and I know that to some degree they are right to but its not me that I want to talk about right now. I decide to cut him off before he can start the conversation about my own behavior.

Carlisle, I came here to speak with you because of Bella. If shes feeling this overwhelming gift, we can help her, show her a better way to live. Shes hurting unnecessarily and I need your guidance on the best way we can introduce our lifestyle to her, I said.

Carlisle sighed and nodded his head. It wont be easy. I dont have to tell you that other vampires find our lifestyle nothing short of ludicrous and insane and Bella happens to be at the top of that list, he told me.

I do know that but thats because she doesnt know how abstaining helped us all. She doesnt know that we once felt that guilt too but dont anymore. If she didnt feel guilt at all then I wouldnt even be here suggesting we try to persuade her, but she does feel it and that enough tells us theres a chance she might have a change of heart once she hears what weve gained, I replied earnestly.

Thats true, he agreed nodding his head. Bella is a very strong willed woman. I dont know much about her because she seems to keep her distance from me but that doesnt stop me from observing herEsme talks to me quite frequently about her as well, he said the last part a little sheepishly.

I caught quick glimpses of several conversations hed had with Esme about Bella and personal things Bella had confided in Esme. My first reaction was rage. How could Esme betray Bellas trust that way? Bella is very private person and Esme should know that. She wouldnt be happy at all if she found out that Esme was going around blabbing to Carlisle.

Esme was very upset by some of the things Bella told her, Edward. She needed someone to talk to and naturally she came to me. She wasnt gossiping or anything like that Edward and you should know that Esme would never do that. She cares about Bella too, my adoptive father said. Apparently my thoughts were showing on my face and in the way I was digging my nails into the arms of the chair.

Of course, I nodded getting myself under control. I knew that he was right and even in his thoughts I could see how troubled Esme had been when they talked. Im sorry, I muttered trying to smooth out the marks my nails had left.

No worries, Carlisle said dismissively. Bella has already declined our way of life. I dont think shell take kindly to you pestering her again to try it. Maybe you should try to find a way to get her to want do this on her own or at least be curious about it. You went with her on a hunt, maybe you should get her to come with you on a hunt, he suggested.

I drag my hand through my hair as my mind instantly begins working out ways to get her to watch me. It has possibilities of working but then Carlisle speaks again

And maybe you should talk to her too, Edward. If Jasper said that she wants to feel guilty and I cant imagine why that might be, then she might not be interested no matter what you do or say. You can only lead the horse to the water, Edward.

I slumped in my seat and covered my face with my hands. He was right again of course but I just didnt want to believe that there was no way to help her. I couldnt believe that she wanted to be in pain. I brooded and wallowed in my own pain all the time but if there was a way for me to no longer feel that pain I would grab hold of that opportunity with both hands.

Jaspers wrong, I said.

Is he? Carlisle asked quirking a brow. Edward maybe you should just,

Just what! I said louder than necessary. His thoughts were no longer on Bella and I didnt want to have the discussion he was trying to engage in.

Shes _mated_, Edward, he stressed. You are my son, I love you, and I dont want to see you hurt, he said.

I know that Carlisle but hes not here is he? I seethed. She is though and she has no problem with me holding her, touching her. She wants me too, Carlisle, I told him.

So does Esme, he said bluntly.

I growled and shot up from my seat turning my back to him. I didnt want to think that my relationship with Bella was simply platonic. Were not dating or anything but there was something there. I felt it every time we were together. I didnt want to be angry at Carlisle because he didnt know the things Bella said to me, he didnt know the things she thought, and the way it felt when we touched. He didnt know but I did.

I wasnt interested in hearing about Bellas mate and how our being together was an impossibility. Deep down I knew that he was right but that he wasnt entirely wrong. I knew that Bella could and probably would hurt me in the future but we had promised each other to live in the moment and thats exactly what I planned to do.

Thanks for your help Carlisle, I said through clenched teeth and turned to leave before he could respond.

I got back home and found the door to Bellas bedroom closed. I knew that she could hear me outside her door just like I could hear her inside. She was doing that thing where I could only partially read minds. I was getting everything in snippets. I could hear but couldnt really understand and that bugged me even more than not hearing anything at all. I could tell she was lying on her bed on her side and that was odd because I could recall exactly one time when she had willing sat on her bed. Her eyes were closed and she was of course listening to her iPod. Save Me by Jem was playing and from what I could grasp from her thoughts three things were on her mind, a human man named Max Reed, guilt, and herself. I had no idea who the human man was but I wanted to be near her. I wanted to talk and comfort her because I knew that she wasnt in a good place right nowshe hardly ever was.

I placed my hand against the door and instantly had her full attention. I gathered she was debating on whether to let me in or not. She kept thinking about the way I looked in the car on the way back. Then words like dirty, wrong, shame, and uncomfortable kept popping into her head. I didnt know exactly what context she was using them in but I could guess.

No, Bella, I murmured.

__

I dont want to talk, Edward,

she thought.

Thats fine.

__

Then what do you want?

Let me come, please.

__

I need to know what you want.

To hold you.

Complete silence followed my reply. She had shut off my gift and I waited anxiously for her to respond to me in some way. I tried to wait her out but I couldnt.

Please, I begged.

__

I dont want you to touch me.

then I wont, I said hoping she couldnt hear the dismay I felt in my tone. I promise not to touch you.

__

Come in.

I entered immediately and closed the door back behind me. She looked so small in that huge bed and I was reminded of the days shed laid there unresponsive for weeks. I suddenly regretted my promise not to touch her because I wanted that more than anything right now. She was watching me as I stared at her and the tension in the room was thick and odd. My gaze locked with hers as I stood with my back against the door. She slid all the way over to the left side of the bed and eyed the empty space on the right before looking back at me.

__

Lie down.

I moved slowly to the side of the bed before relaxing down on top of it as she requested. I left plenty of space between us, thinking it would be easier to keep my promise that way. She stared into my eyes for a long time and held her gaze. Surprisingly staring at each other like this did not feel weird or awkward at all. It actually felt intimate and raw. Though we were so far apart on the bed I still felt close to her. I felt exposed, like she was seeing right through me to my very core. I wondered what she saw and if she liked what she saw or not.

Slowly she placed her palm flat on the bed and ran it across the comforter as far she could before flipping hand over. I stared at her hand not sure of what she was doing or what she wanted.

_Break it._

What? I asked in confusion.

__

Your promise. Break it.

I sighed in relief and gratitude. I clasped her hand in mine and pulled her body across the bed to me and wrapped my arms around her. She buried her face in my neck as I caressed the back of her head.

__

Why am I so weak?

I shook my head and clutched her body tighter to mine.

Its not just you, Bella. Were all powerless to what we feel.


	14. Chapter 14

_**Sorry about the last chapter. I was told that it didn't have any punctuation and I have no idea what happened. Hopefully this chapter doesn't have the same issue. **_

_**Bella**_

I rolled onto my back pinning Edward's arm beneath me. He reached across my body momentarily blanketing my torso with his, making my breath catch in anticipation over what he was about to do. I exhaled in disgruntled disappointment when I realized he was only reaching for my hand that was resting far away from him on the bed. He laced his fingers with mine and settled our joined hands atop my stomach as he soothingly swiped his thumb over my knuckles.

I knit my brows wondering exactly what I'd thought Edward was going to do? Well…I guess I know what I thought he was going to do. I'd thought he was going to kiss me. The real question however is what had I wanted him to do? When he held my hand, cupped my cheek or held me to him, the feelings were amazing, electric and addictive. I couldn't help but wonder how his kiss would feel. My mind ran rapid with thoughts of how his full lips would caress mine. Would he be sweet and chaste? Deep and slow? Eager and passionate? Dominant and teasing? The possibilities were endless and my body shuddered in response to my imaginings. Of course he noticed…

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I replied.

He knit his brows and I could tell he was trying to decide if he wanted to press the issue or not. Fortunately he decided not to. Unfortunately, he propped his head up on his hand and began tracing patterns on my arm with his fingers tips. I shuddered again. I saw the realization light up his eyes but before he could decide to say anything I started talking.

"How was your run with Jasper?" I asked. "Enlightening?"

I'd heard them leaving the house earlier, and my gut told me that they'd left to talk about me. I wasn't angry or offended but I did want Edward to know that I knew and was okay with it. I was aware that I was hostile and unapproachable more often than not. There wasn't much Jasper could tell him other than the way I felt when I came back. That wasn't something for me to make a big deal about.

He smiled sheepishly and nodded his head, "Yes."

I was curious to know what Jasper had said exactly but before I could ask there was a knock at the door. Edward's face darkened with annoyance. He hated when our time together was disrupted and honestly I did too.

"Bug off, Alice," he grumbled.

"But I need to speak with Bella!" she whined.

"No, you want to talk and it can wait," he retorted.

"It can't Edward! If she agrees, and I know she will, then I have to leave right away to get everything ready and in order before school tomorrow!" Alice pressed.

I quirked my brow wondering what the little seer had seen this time. I propped myself up on my elbows and Edward groaned knowing that our moment was broken and over.

"Come…," I began but Alice barged in before I could even finish the sentence. She came and sat crossed legged at the end of the bed facing me and Edward. She was carrying a thick black leather bound folder with my name embossed on the cover in a loopy elegant font in red. I sat up all the way, placed my back against the headboard and crossed my legs as well.

"What's that?" I asked nodding toward the folder.

"My plan," she replied with a devilish smile. I glanced at Edward and he just shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"I'm going to my room," he said before doing just that. I watched him go and then focused my attention back on the tiny vampire in front of me.

"Okay," I said letting her know to start talking.

"Well, I've been really trying to be okay with you wearing Edward's clothes, but I just can't, Bella," she exclaimed seemingly in some sort of distress. "The legs of his jeans are just too long and so are the sleeves. You just look so sloppy and thrown away," she said gesturing to the sweater and jeans I was currently wearing.

"Alice we've…,"

"…Been through this before," she finished for me. "I know that. What I have here however is a series of outfits either picked out or exclusively designed by me. You will be covered just as you are now, nothing will be exceedingly tight, but everything will be female clothing," she told me.

I sighed already feeling exasperated. Why couldn't she just let me be?

"Just look through the book, Bella," she said holding out the folder. I glared at her smiling face for a long time before finally snatching the folder. I opened it and found a series of white sheets of paper with sketches of me dressed in a variety of different outfits. I took my time looking at each one and found that her words had been mostly true. There were a few questionable items but they didn't seem too bad. Nothing was too revealing or would make me look sexy. I would look…cute at the very worse. I opened my mouth to respond but Alice cut me off.

"I've already seen you agree," she said.

I couldn't help the low growl forming in my chest. I hated when she said that. I had half a mind to just stop her visions all together. That way there would be no way for her to tell me what I would and wouldn't do.

"I don't want to do this. I don't want to wear this stuff," I said.

"There's no harm in it, Bella," she said her eyes taking a sympathetic quality. "What's the harm in looking pretty?"

I opened my mouth but closed it right back. I could have told her that there was very much harm in looking pretty, appealing, appetizing, and tempting. I closed the book and tossed it aside before mashing my fists in my eyes.

"Bella?" she asked the concern clear in her voice and for some reason it irritated me. I didn't want people to be concerned about me.

"I'm fine," I spat, realizing I was being unnecessarily harsh after the words had left my mouth. That didn't make me apologize though.

"Okay," she said surrendering.

I looked at her again and found that she was patiently waiting for my answer as she inspected her finger nails.

"I'll think about it, Alice," I finally said just wanting her to leave my space. She beamed a megawatt smile at me and I realized my response was foreseen.

"Okay!" she chirped and went skipping away.

"You know I helped Alice with that design book," Rosalie said nodding to the leather folder that had been left untouched on my bed for the past two days.

"Shall I reward you with a cookie?" I asked not looking up from the latest diary I'd snagged from Edward's room. They were honestly the best books I'd ever read. His stream of thoughts were so dark, so real, so painful. There was a century's worth of diaries and I planned to get through them all. I could have been farther along than I was but some of them were so complex that I read, reread, and studied. I was reading them out of chronological order, just picking them out of his trunk at random. It was more exciting that way.

"No, bitch," she sneered making me snort a laugh. "You can reward me by actually considering this," she said.

I heaved a sigh and rolled my eyes before tossing Edward's journal away in annoyance.

"For what?" I asked. "I don't want to be fucking paraded!"

She looked at me with confusion screwing up her face, "No one's trying to parade you," she replied.

"Then why the fuck is it so important that I dress the way someone else wants me to? I don't care about what I put on or how what I'm wearing makes me look! I'm not trying to… look… I'm not trying to attract… anyone!" I said struggling to find words. "Why does it fucking matter!"

"You tell me!" she shot back. "If you don't care then why can't you just wear this stuff and still not care what you have on?"

I stood up so that I could turn my back to her. I got the strong urge to run, run away from here and never return but my eyes were trained on that damned journal. No matter how badly I wanted to flee, the person who'd penned that journal kept my feet planted to the ground. My body just wouldn't process or obey anything that led to our separation. I couldn't run so I resorted to the only thing that I knew best: aggression.

"Fuck you, Rosalie!" I spat whirling around to look at her. "I don't have to explain shit to you! I like what I like and I want what I want! I like wearing Edward's clothes! I want to wear Edward's clothes! I won't have you, Alice or anybody else telling me what I should do! I make my own fucking decisions! I decided not to wear that shit long before Alice compiled that book. So no I'm not going waste my time and actually consider what's in that folder! I'm. Not. Wearing. It!"

Rosalie rose to her full height which instantly put me on guard. Seeing as she was on board with Alice about the fucking clothes led me to believe her loyalties did not lie with me at the moment so I could not use her loyalty to my advantage. That didn't bother me much though because I was sure that I could take her. The other five vampires down in the living room however would pose a bit of a problem. I took a step back to the window just in case fleeing turned out to be my only chance at survival.

"No one's trying to take your right to choose away," she exclaimed. "I really want to know why this is such a big fucking deal for you, Bella!"

"Because I spent over a fucking decade having someone else dress me! I spent years dressed up in dresses not even whores would don! I thought it was what I wanted! I thought I wanted men to lust after me, to want and desire me! I wore those ripped up dresses proudly loving the fact I could bring just about any man to their knees! I felt good about myself up until those men actually got to have me. Up until that same lust and desire turned into obsession and left me masticated and broken! I allowed myself to be a fucking play thing back then but never again! Never a-fucking-gain!" I roared.

"Bella, what are you talking about," Rosalie asked her tone turning soft laced with confusion and pity.

I hated that I'd let those words slip from my mouth but I couldn't take them back and I couldn't stop myself from continuing to purge my past.

"There weren't many women in Lucas's army. He preferred men soldiers and if he did allow a woman to join, she was there simply for the pleasure of the men and to change and recruit more vampires. I was allowed because of my gift. I was trained to fight with the men because I would clearly be an asset in battle and it was Lucas's order that I not be touched since I was his mate. Whoever dared break that rule would pay with their lives.

"That didn't go over well with the troops. As you know there's nothing people want more than what they can't have. The forbidden fruit. The men wanted me and they wanted me bad. Lucas and I decided to use that to our advantage. After every battle Lucas would let whoever made the most kills have me for one night. I was their incentive to fight harder.

"Lucas would go out, steal dresses and rip them to make the hem shorter and neckline lower. It drove the vampires crazy and I reveled in the way they looked at me. It was almost as if they needed me. I was amazed and insanely proud that sex with me had made our army stronger, that it put us on top, made every other army fear us. I rejoiced in the power my body wielded, but not for long. You see, after battle, men are drunk with victory, high from the thrills of battle, and their egos are inflated beyond belief. Now imagine how that would be amplified in a newborn vampire.

"Whoever had won their night with me would not make love to me like I'd thought. They'd fuck me. _Hard_. The sex alone would hurt and I'd try to calm them down but they were feral after battle and would hit, bite, scratch, and tear me into submission. Literally rip off my hands, arms, or legs so that they could have me. I grew to resent those fucking dresses and corsets Lucas gave me but I wore them anyway because it was for what I then thought was the greater good. Just thinking of them makes my skin crawl. I've had enough of dressing for others. I don't want anyone ever looking at me the way those men did. I've shown enough skin to last for eternity. I'm fine in what I have on, now. So fuck that book and everything in it!"

_**Rosalie**_

I listened to Bella's story all the while reeling with rage, horror, and disgust. My heart broke for her and the pain she must have endured. The anger was clear in her tone but the look in her eyes told a different story. They were excruciatingly desolate and hollow. I couldn't even bear to maintain eye contact with her.

I'd asked to know why Bella refused to wear women's clothing and now that I'd gotten my answer part of me regretted even asking. Another part of me however was glad, because I knew something of that pain. My own experience hadn't been as awful as hers but it was similar and I had survived. I would help Bella do the same because I'd vowed the second I laid eyes on her that I would aid her in any way I was able. And this, I could definitely help with.

"I've been dressed up and paraded as well, Bella," I said with a sigh. "When I was human my father dressed me in the best clothes money could buy and then had my mother send me to the bank where he worked with his lunch. He wanted me to be seen by the wealthiest family in our town. He wanted me to marry their son Royce King. Well my dad's plan worked and Royce and I were engaged. I loved the way he looked at me. There was always a hunger in his eyes and he was willing to give me any thing my heart desired. I was so unbelievably happy. I knew that I was the most beautiful girl around, everyone told me so. With Royce I was so close to getting everything I wanted, a wealthy husband and a home with white picket fences with kids. I longed to be wanted and cherished and Royce wanted me alright," I said not able to keep the bitterness from my tone.

"One night I was coming back from my best friend's house and I came across Royce and his friends. They were completely wasted. He called me over and he kept bragging to his friends about how pretty I was. He kept grabbing and groping me. His friends laughed and said they couldn't tell with all the clothes I had on. I tried to push Royce off me but he was stronger. Carlisle smelled blood and came to investigate. I was in so much pain…everything hurt and I was seconds away from death. Carlisle saved me though," I told her.

"After my change, I went after Royce and his friends. I killed them all and took my time with Royce. I wanted him to feel the pain he'd caused me, but even after I'd had my revenge I was still so angry. I couldn't get over it. The memories plagued me every second of every day. It wasn't until after I found Emmett that I realized I couldn't let Royce, his friends and what they did to me control my life. I would never move on with my life until I regained some power, until I let myself be happy in the face of what they did, until I proved that I was stronger. They robbed us, violated us, beat and scarred us but we're still here Bella!" I exclaimed. "Why should their grotesqueness impact our everyday life. Why should they still be in control?"

Bella wrapped her arms around herself and slowly sank to the floor. Her chin was to her chest making her head fall forward to curtain her face on both sides. She looked so small crouched in on herself. I moved forward to comfort her. She flinched away from my touch at first but calmed down when she realized it was only me. I pulled her to me until her head was rested on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her trembling body and stroked the back of her head.

"Fuck those men and what they did to you! You don't have to hide behind these clothes, Bella. You shouldn't hide behind these clothes. If you really and truly want to wear these baggy clothes, I'll never say a word about it again, but if you're wearing this because you're afraid then we'll have this argument everyday. I see how strong you are, Bella. I know that there's a fighter inside you that's powerful and indestructible. Let your fight and strength shine through. Don't cower underneath men's clothes, because girls like us don't cower and we don't hide. We don't settle for things because they are comfortable and safe. We do what _we _want. So as I said before, if you truly want to wear Edward's clothes be my guest. But I will not allow you to hide when I know it's beneath you!"

I lifted her chin with my finger until she was looking me in the eye. Her eyes were wide with fear and uncertainty, glazed over with unshed tears, and so heartbreakingly childlike despite their red color. I kissed the top of her head and pushed her hair behind her ear before getting up and leaving the room.

I kept my pace steady and even as I made my way down the steps and toward the front door with my fists balled at my sides. Emmett was up at my side the instant he saw me. He didn't touch or say anything to me as we exited the house together and made our way across the lawn. It wasn't until we passed the forest's edge that we simultaneously broke into a run and when I felt we were far enough away I collapsed into my husband's strong and waiting arms.

"I'm fucking mad!" I wailed clutching the back of his shirt in my fists. He held me tightly and rubbed soothing circles on my back. My knees had given out beneath me but he held me. Emmett was my rock and would never ever let me fall. " I can't even imagine being in that kind of pain over and over again. She didn't deserve that, Em! No one deserves that! Why would they do that to her! Why would Lucas _let _them do that to her! I'm…so pissed!" I cried as my body was racked with sobs.

"I know, baby. I know," he cooed into my ear. "I've never met Lucas and I don't know a thing about their relationship but what I do know is that, that guy was _not_ her mate. A mate would never allow their other half to go through something like that," he said and his own anger was present and clear in his tone.

"But why doesn't _she_ see that! I just don't understand! What else has that sick fuck done to her!" I screamed sobbing harder.

I don't know how long I cried or how long afterward it took for me to be ready to go back home, but Emmett held me the whole time being and doing everything I needed him too. I never felt more fortunate, lucky, blessed to have him. I hoped and prayed that Bella would one day know what it was like to have a true mate, to be loved unconditionally, worshipped, completely understood, and have the security of knowing you'll never be alone again.

When Emmett and I finally went back home, the house was alive with laughter, conversation, and music provided by Edward on the piano. My eyes instantly fell on Bella who was seated beside Edward on the piano bench. The sight of her dressed in girl's light khaki pants and a white tank top under a heather grey cardigan made me grin. Her eyes lit up her otherwise blank expression in the eerie way that let me know she was smiling on the inside as she laid her head on Edward's shoulder.

I wasn't fool enough to think that we had solved all Bella's problems or that she was healed but I was smart enough to know that she was on her way.


	15. Chapter 15

_**Edward**_

We were all silent stone still as we unashamedly eavesdropped on Bella's and Rosalie's conversation. As I sat on the couch, I felt what might have been the beginning of an actual headache. The thoughts of everyone around me were running rampant and I could not handle them and the dismal story Bella was telling. For the first time I _wanted_ Bella to shut my gift off so that I couldn't be privy to her thoughts. Accompanied with her tale was the images of the actual occurrences; feral men, ripped clothing, animalistic growls, nails against her face, teeth gnawing her shoulders, and her face pressed in dirt to keep her still.

My hands fisted in my hair as the images threatened to destroy me. I felt sick to my stomach, overwhelmed with grief, rage, and disbelief. I wanted to scream, hit, and punch any and everything I could get my hands on just to get some of it out of my system. I wanted to run up stairs and hold Bella and vow to never let anyone harm her again. I wanted find that prick Lucas and peel off his fucking face for letting that happen to her. Protecting her was his job and he'd failed royally. He didn't deserve Bella in the least and I didn't care if he was her mate or not. I knew that I was better for her than him. Hell anyone was better for her than that asshole.

Jasper's thoughts of everyone's emotions were close to driving him insane. Alice was guilty because she pressed Bella to wear clothes and for the life of her she could not remember why that had been. Esme was despaired, Carlisle disgusted, Emmett enraged, Rosalie and Bella were engulfed in fire-like pain, and I was agonized. With all of this combined, Jasper himself was feeling a bit guilty as well. He suddenly realized he'd judged Bella too quickly. Maybe her distance, rage, and sneaky behavior were all mechanisms she used to make her feel safe after a life that made her feel anything but secure.

It only took seconds before everything became too much for him and he had to get out. He moved as fast as he could out and away from the house. Alice of course left to join him and her spot on the couch beside me was quickly taken by Esme who immediately began prying my hands from my hair. I hadn't even realized how tightly I had been clutching it until I felt the pain after having released it. She pulled my head down so that it was resting on her chest as she rubbed my back.

Rosalie and I had, had a rough relationship in the past. It didn't take much for us to annoy one another insufferably, but as I listened to her share her story trying to encourage, uplift, and help Bella, I felt nothing but pure unconditional love for my sister. I was undulated with gratitude because had it been me that Bella confided in I would have been dead lost as to what to say to comfort her.

When Rosalie finally left Bella, the only thing on her mind was getting away from the house where she could break down in private. Emmett who always knew when Rosalie needed him got up and followed her out. I wanted to go to Bella but I knew that it wasn't the time. She needed to be alone right now and I could understand and respect that. I did tune out everything else around me and listen to her every breath and step. She stayed still for exactly fifteen minutes and 43 seconds before she began to move. She took four steps before I heard the door to her closet open. She sifted through the contents for two minutes before she made her selections. She took seven minutes to actually get dressed and then another thirty minutes before she came down the steps.

Esme shot me and Carlisle warning glares. I could read her mind so I knew that she was trying to tell us that no matter what Bella came down the stairs wearing, not to stare at her or behave like anything happened at all. Even though Carlisle didn't have my advantage he understood Esme's look. When Bella entered the living room, I didn't look directly at her but I could see her perfectly in my peripheral. She was still totally covered but her clothes were more fitted. While there was no way possible for her to ever not looking stunning, I felt a pang of sadness that she was no longer clad in items plucked from my wardrobe.

Bella made a beeline for my piano and sat down at the bench. She peered at the keys for a long time, taking deep and steady breaths. She tapped at the keys randomly before looking over at me.

"Will you play for me?" she asked. Her voice was so small and it didn't sound like my Bella at all. My rage redoubles as I think of the asshole that broke her this way and the horrors she has endured.

"Any requests?" I replied with a smile as I took the seat beside her on the bench. I was ready and willing to do anything that would please her. I needed to do my part in helping to heal her and if playing the piano was what she wanted me to do then I would play until my fingers wore away.

"Have you finished my song?" she asked looking up at me hopefully and it pained me to have to answer in the negative.

"Slacker," she huffed.

"I want it to be perfect!" I exclaimed in my own defense. "You know, just like you…," I trailed off sheepishly.

"Don't patronize me, Edward," she muttered looking down at her hands in her lap but I lifted her chin with my index finger so that she was looking at me again.

"You are perfect," I said firmly. "In _my_ eyes. What I see when I'm looking at you is perfect."

"You have very low standards, my friend," she said snorting a laugh.

"Kind of like your self esteem," I shot back earning a swift jab in the bicep. It hurt like hell but I manfully laughed it off.

"Play Debussy's Arabesque No. 1!" Alice exclaimed as she burst into the door with Jasper on her heels.

I looked to Bella to see if she approved and she nodded her head enthusiastically, "Play that."

Alice squealed and clapped her hands giddily as I began playing. I knew that it was one of her favorites and always made her happy on the rare occasions that she was down. She skipped over to the middle of the living room and embarked on her own little ballet recital for us. I rolled my eyes but Bella watched Alice with rapt attention.

"_I used to dance when I was human," _Bella thought before placing her head on my shoulder. The contact felt wonderful but I couldn't focus on it because Bella was volunteering information about her past and that warranted my attention. _"I was really good. I wanted to be a prima ballerina and it was quite possible that I could have been," _her thoughts told me.

I continued watching Bella's memories as she remembered herself in a dance studio dancing with all the grace and expertise in the world for someone so young. I figured she was somewhere around thirteen years old. She looked adorable in her little pink leotard and ballet shoes, but even in her dim memories I could see the sadness on her face. A sadness that did not belong on a child's face. My dead heart broke yet again realizing that her unhappiness had settled in even before she was brought into this vampiric half life.

When Rosalie and Emmett come back, Rosalie eye's immediately find Bella and her pride is present in both her thoughts and on her face. I remember my gratitude toward her and begin to play one of her favorites; _Waltz of the Flowers_ by Tchaikovsky. As the music began her eyes darted over to mine and she smiled brightly.

"_What's this for?" _her thoughts asked.

I bowed my head to her hoping that she understood it to be a thank you and when her smile grew even wider I knew that she did.

"_I'm sure you know I didn't do it for you but, you're welcome anyway, big brother."_

_**Bella**_

After Edward began playing _Waltz of the Flowers, _Emmett pulled Rosalie up and led her into a dance. Alice and Jasper, and Carlisle and Esme were not far behind. I stared at the dancing couples feeling more than just a little envious. They all looked so happy and seemed totally comfortable together. No one even found it odd that they were all dancing in the middle of the living room as if they were at some grand ball. The thing that is odd is that I don't find it odd that they're doing this…

I'd grown used to living with the Crazy Cullens.

Hours later Esme and Carlisle had left to go hunt, Rosalie and Emmett were out in the garage tinkering with one of her cars, and Alice and Jasper had retired to their bedroom for some quality time. Edward and I remained sitting at his piano as he continued to play. I didn't know if it was still for me though because he seemed lost in the music or maybe his thoughts.

My mind was still on the couples in the house. After all the confessions Rosalie and I had made earlier in the day, Lucas was heavy on my mind as well. My jealousy of Rose and her relationship with Emmett scared the hell out of me. It was that very same jealousy that led Bree to her death. What if the opportunity to hurt Rosalie arose? Would I take it because Emmett showed his love differently than Lucas? At the moment that seemed impossible, but I could never count on myself. Who knew what I would decide later on.

I couldn't help but compare Emmett to Lucas, just like I compared Riley to him. Emmett was a beast of a man but at heart he was still a boy. Lucas matched Emmett in height but not in bulk and there was nothing boyish about him either. Rose had been hurt and Emmett helped her out of it. He helped heal her and made her happy again. When I was hurt, Lucas comforted me and whispered words of strength and encouragement in my ear. He'd told me that he'd understood how hard this all was for me but it was a small sacrifice I had to make in order to keep our troops on top. He'd said that he was sacrificing too. That it was hard for him to listen to other men with me but our cause was bigger than the pain we felt. That once we had claimed victory we would never hurt again.

Emmett tried to get Rose to accept what had happened to her, become stronger in the face of it, and move on to a brighter future. Lucas had encouraged me to deal with my pain because it would lead to a better future. Their actions were very similar and very different at the same time. Could it be that Emmett and Lucas reacted differently because Emmett had not been in the picture at the time of Rose's assault? Or maybe their reactions were just different because of the situations. Rose hadn't agreed to be passed around to Royce Kings' friends. Lucas and I mutually decided I would act as the trophy for the strongest fighter. Rose was an innocent victim but I walked into those tents each time all on my own knowing what was to come.

At the time my actions seemed to make perfect sense, but now I just felt stupid. I had wanted to please Lucas, but why would me being fostered off to other men please him? I wasn't fool enough to believe that Lucas was a good man or even a decent man but he insured that I stayed alive, he got me nice things, and treated me better than the other women and everyone else in general. He was my mate, my equal, my other half, the yin to my yang. Was it so wrong for me to want to make him happy?

If I was completely honest I had been doing it for myself as well. I'd wanted to feel wanted, desired, and loved in some sort of way. But looking back on the situation, did I really to need to have sex with those men to know that they wanted me, to see that they desired me…

"What's wrong," Edward asked breaking me from my reverie with the worry in his voice. I glanced at him before I shook my head.

"Nothing," I said. "Just thinking."

"I've played everyone's favorite piano piece except for yours today," he told me. "So now you're up."

"Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 8."

I watched Edward's fingers roam over the keys before closing my eyes so that I could simply listen. He really was talented and listening to him play was the perfect close to a trying day.

It took me about two weeks before I was able to really be comfortable in wearing the clothes Alice bought me. She would come to my room every morning before she went to school to help me pick out the day's outfit. Surprisingly, she didn't argue when I vetoed something. I knew it had a lot to do with her trying to force me into stuff when she had no idea about my past.

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard Alice humming and rifling through my closet. I quickly dried off and slipped into my bathrobe before going to join her. I sat on the chaise lounge and watched her study my clothing before making selections. It didn't long for her to realize what I would and would not go for. She stuck to my requirements but everyday would try to slip in something a little out of my new comfort zone.

"Are we up for a skirt today?" she asked holding up one of the many peasant skirts that adorned my wardrobe. It was orange and I agreed to wear it because it was full length. She gave me a simple white tank top and cropped jean jacket to wear it with because long sleeves were something I deemed mandatory. She decorated me with diamond stud earrings and layered gold necklaces and I let her style my hair in braided pigtails as well.

"Are you done?" I asked her as Edward appeared in the doorway. He tried to not ogle me and failed, just like he always did. I knew that he was trying not to make me uncomfortable and I loved him for that but the poor boy just couldn't seem to help himself it seemed. His eyes would dart around the room wildly in their sockets before lingering on me for about three seconds and then went back to darting around. It was quite funny and didn't make me uncomfortable at all. In fact, I sometimes wanted him to. I wanted to feel his eyes on me but then those feelings would confuse and anger me. Those feelings were what had gotten me into trouble in the first place. I feared that I would never learn my lesson. I would always be the silly girl needing a man's attention in order to feel good about herself.

"Yep!" Alice chirped before dancing away, presumably off to wherever Jasper currently was.

Edward came in and pulled me into his embrace and rested his head atop mine. He did this every morning before he left for school, it was routine. I loved having zero space between us and feeling his hard body wrapped around me like a protective shell.

"What will you do while I'm gone?" he asked.

"_Wait for you to come back," _I thought.

I felt him smile and buried my face in his neck so that he couldn't see the grimace there. I hadn't planned on being that honest at all. And yes, the statement was very honest. No, I wouldn't be watching the seconds tick away on the clock or swooning and picking rose petals going "he loves me, he loves not" all day. I would help out and talk to Esme, listen to my music, or nick one of his journals but, in addition to all of that I would be waiting for him to come back home.

"I wouldn't mind if you wanted to swoon and pick apart rose petals," Edward murmured pulling my body tighter against his.

Fuck!

I immediately deprived him of his ability to read minds wondering why and how the hell I'd forgotten to do so when he first walked in.

"Get out," I huffed pushing away from him making him laugh. "You're going to be late," I said.

"I'm never late," he replied smugly and I rolled my eyes even though I was sure he was telling the truth. Was it even possible for someone who drove like him to be late for anything ever?

"Bye Edward," I said exasperatedly.

"See ya, Bella," he said, still smug.

The bastard.

I had gotten too comfortable with him. Over time I'd grown to love the fact that he could read my mind. It made communicating with him a lot easier. There were things that I could tell him without having to run ten miles away from the house in order for the others not to overhear. It also made it easier for him to know when I wanted his company and when I didn't. It was extremely rare that I didn't but that didn't matter. Another reason I liked him to read my mind was so that he could understand that I wasn't a good person, that I wasn't someone he should want, be attracted to, or like in any way. But no matter how many dark thoughts and memories he saw, he remained at my side.

After Edward and the others left, Esme came up to my room and settled into an armchair with her sketch book.

"I thought we were going to the grocery store today?" I asked.

"We'll go tomorrow," she replied not looking up at me as she is too busy concentrating on her work. "I don't feel like smelling the raw food today," she said.

I nodded my head in understanding and settled on the window sill with my iPod. My mind, as it often does, wandered back to Edward. Our friendship was honest, complicated yet somehow still easy, comforting, and warm. It was great and I really enjoyed the time that I spent with him which was a lot. _A lot, _a lot. But still something was missing. I wanted something more from him but I didn't dare actually ask for it since I had already told him he shouldn't want that very same thing. He wanted me and I wanted him. I was denying the both of us for his own good. He deserved someone better than me, someone whole and just as beautiful inside as she was out, where I was just as ugly inside as I was out.

To human eyes I was gorgeous, but to the vampires that could see my scars I wasn't. Maybe some of my beauty shined through, maybe my figure was still desirable and my hair still lustrous thick and long, but I was no Rosalie Hale, Alice or Esme Cullen anymore. I didn't feel attractive when I looked in the mirror, but every morning when Edward came to my room and I could see him trying to hide his desire it made me feel just a tad bit better about myself. It amazed me that someone as beautiful as he could still see beauty in someone like me. He was _amazing_.

"Hey there," Edward said sliding onto the window sill across from me. I flinched at the sound of his voice and his sudden presence. I had not seen, heard, or felt him approach. I glanced at the clock and realized that time must have slipped away from me. Edward's entire school day had passed and I had done nothing but think of him.

I might as well have picked fucking rose petals.

"You okay?" he asked when I didn't respond to his greeting.

"Yea," I nodded.

"Good."

I looked up expecting to see beautiful pools of gold but instead I'm greeted with coal black irises so dark I can't distinguish a pupil. The bruises under his eyes are dark and heavy. How had I missed that this morning?

"You need to hunt," I said peering into his eyes.

"I will soon," he shrugged and I shook my head.

"You will now," I said standing and waiting for him to the same.

"…You're coming?" he asked his eyes widening in shock and some other emotion I wasn't to sure of… triumph?

"Yea," I replied trying to be nonchalant. I'd spent eight hours thinking about him, now that he was here I wanted to be with him. Plus I had been curious to see how the Crazies hunted anyway.

"Alright. Let's go," he grinned.


	16. Chapter 16

_**SM owns.**_

**_Big huge thanks to MommaKat who pre-reads my chapters and makes them readable!_**

_**Edward**_

I had no idea how I was going to get Bella to come hunting with me, but I had held off doing so until I did. As luck would have it, that was all that I needed to do! Bella had invited herself to come see me hunt much like I had with her a few weeks ago. I was sure that she wasn't doing it for the same reason that I had. Bella had no reason to believe that I would go running away from her like a thief in the night, but her reasoning mattered little to me. All that mattered was that she was here sitting beside me while I drove to Montana where I could hopefully find a mountain lion or three. If not I would go for Emmett's favorite. I didn't think Bella would be too intrigued to see me hunt something as easy as elk. I didn't plan on making this a big production. I would hunt like I always did but the prey needed to big game.

I was nervous, excited, and a little scared. I didn't want to pressure Bella into our lifestyle but it could really help her. If I botched this trip, she may never get to see that things can be a little less shitty for us.

_**Bella**_

I found it interesting that the Crazies had to go out of town to feed as well. If he was just going to feed off squirrels or whatever, couldn't we have just browsed around the woods behind his house?

Bleh! Just the thought turned my stomach!

I started to wonder if I'd just bought myself a front row ticket to a freak show. Did I really want to see him doing this? We were already halfway through Idaho so I damn sure couldn't ask him to turn around and take me back. I had no interest in running home. I might get this fucking skirt dirty and then Alice would want me to change into a new outfit. That wasn't happening. I entertained the idea of just waiting for him in the car while he handled his business but that seemed too cowardly. When I could think of nothing else, I slumped in my seat and prepared myself for the odd tourist attraction Edward was about to prove himself to be.

"What's wrong?" he asked catching my movement.

"Nothing," I shrugged and turned up the music to let him know not to press this issue further and he didn't.

We drove the rest of the way with inconsequential chit chat and singing all between long stretches of companionable silence. When we got to Montana, Edward drove the car through a town that seemed to be, believe it or not, smaller than Forks. It's a hick town with lots of grass, cattle, and a quaint little greasy spoon diner. I kind of wanted to go in just to see if it fit all the other stereo types I expected to find there from watching too much damn TV with the Cullens.

Finally, Edward turned down some back road that had woods on both sides. He parked so that it was out of sight to anyone who might pass by it, but I'm sure no one will. I got out of the car and we set off into the trees at a run. I was filled with both anticipation and apprehension. I did notice that we passed plenty of healthy looking squirrels and raccoons though. I opened my mouth to point that out to Edward but closed it again because I don't know how this works or what he's looking for exactly. Edward slowed his pace and I fell back giving him some space, not needing to be a Crazy to realize that he was close to something he wanted.

I looked around trying to see what he was going for and about a mile or so away was a mountain lion. I looked from Edward to the large cat incredulously. Surely, he was not going to for that damned lion, but he seemed to be making a beeline for the animal. I halted my jaw dropping in complete shock as the lion caught sight of Edward. I expected the lion to make a run for it but he must have been a ballsy one and unleashed a vicious growl to warn Edward away. And what did Edward do? He growled right back!

I knew that the mountain would not hurt Edward but I was still on the proverbial edge of my seat. The ballsy animal leapt from his perch in a tree and landed about seven feet away from Edward. They circled each other slowly, and I was surprised to see that Edward's movements were very similar to the cougars. Edward was clearly a man but it felt as if I was watching two animals. The expression on his face was fierce, intense, focused, and…_sexy_. His head was totally in the hunt as he lowered to the ground in a crouch. The cat leapt first and while it was fast, it was no match for Edward.

They collided and I heard the awful crunching of the cougars bones against Edward's body. It growled in pain but still reared up on it's hind legs and swung it's paw at Edward's face. He pushed away the lame attack as if shooing away a fly and rushed at the cat going straight for its neck before its front legs could hit the ground again. I heard the gurgle of blood as the animal yelped in pain.

If I were human, my heart would have been racing and my body would be flushed and warm. Even though I didn't need the air, my breathing was still ragged and the muscles in the lower part of my abdomen were tightening. I could hear Edward drinking greedily and the sound made me feel… inappropriate things. The scent of my own arousal filled the air around me but I was too consumed with Edward to care. He had been very thirsty and the veins of the cat dried quickly. He unlatched his jaw from it's neck with a low growl and let the carcass drop to the ground with a heavy thud.

He stood still with his back to me and I could see his shoulders move as his chest heaved with his heavy breaths. I heard him inhale deeply and saw his fists ball at his sides. He turned to me so quickly I gasped in shock. His eyes locked with mine and he growled deep in his chest again. He began moving forward slowly stalking me just like he had his prey. He looked sensual, primal, sexy, and feral. Both fear and excitement trilled though me. I retreated as he advanced but our eyes remained fixed on one another. When my back hit a tree, I couldn't back away anymore and Edward smiled crookedly. It was a wicked and smug smile that made the scent of my arousal waft through the air as it soaked right through my panties. I saw his nostrils flare and eyes roll to the back of his head. He was done moving slow and in less than a blink of an eye, he was right before me with his hands laid flat against the tree on either side of my head.

I bit my lip to keep yet another gasp in. For the first time in my life, I felt cornered, trapped and it was fucking wonderful! Edward closed in so that there was no space between our bodies. My bottom lip fell from my between my teeth when I felt he was just as aroused as I was. His erection pressed against my stomach and I couldn't stifle my moan as he hissed in my ear. The lust was hot and wild in his eyes as one of his hands fell from the tree to grip my waist as he bucked his hips against me, making me moan in response again.

Edward ducked his head and ran his nose along the junction of my neck and shoulder. I brought my hands up to run my fingers through his silken hair as his arm moved to wrap around me forcing my hips forward and against him again. I shifted my head to the side to give him better access as his tongue snaked out and licked me from the base of my neck to my jaw. I whimpered and squirmed against him in pleasure and frustration. His tongue was warm and felt amazing on my skin and I could think of at least three more places I'd like to feel it.

I needed to keep a level head though because I knew that things were getting out of control very quickly. The thrill of the hunt was coursing through both of us even though I had only watched and I didn't want things to progress with us this way. Edward deserved more than this and more than me. I fisted my hands in his hair and pulled his mouth away from my neck so that I could look him in the eyes. The golden color had only semi returned. He could stand to hunt some more and I definitely wanted to see some more.

"You're still thirsty," I told him.

"It can wait," he said huskily bringing his other head to the base of my neck and tilting my face up to his. His eyes were on my lips and I couldn't help but to look at his as well. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him badly but I knew that I shouldn't. The lust we felt was a product of the primal way he hunted. Edward's mind was reduced to basic instincts and what could be more basic than sex. He thrust against me again, this time harder and my knees weakened but I was trapped, held up by the tree and Edward.

"Stop thinking so much," he pled moving in to kiss me but I just couldn't. I turned my face away and pushed him away.

"Go hunt," I said breathlessly.

He stayed where he was for a few seconds. I could feel his eyes on me but I refused to look at him. My resolve was already weak and it would crumble completely under his heated gaze. He stepped forward but I tensed, wondering what he was going to do. Part of me was begging for him to push me, to convince me, to touch and kiss me until I relented. He didn't though. He clasped my hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. That was all I needed to make me feel better about my decision. The little gesture reminded me of who Edward was. He was kind, gentle, and chaste. He would never do anything I told him not to. I was suddenly disturbed that I had wanted something different.

His index finger lifted my chin but I still kept my eyes averted. I was suddenly ashamed of myself and couldn't meet his gaze. I wanted to be out of these fucking clothes Alice stuffed me in. I wanted to be back in my bedroom listening to my iPod at top volume with my door locked.

"Hey," Edward said, bending so that he was looking up into my downcast eyes as he took my hand in his. "I'm sorry. I would…," he began but I cut him off. I didn't want him apologizing when he wasn't to blame and I told him as much. He opened his mouth, shaking his head ready to disagree with me but I put my fingertips over his lips to stop him.

"Please, Edward. Don't."

He sighed but nodded his head. "Come on, there's another cougar to the north and I want it," he told me before taking off after it and leaving me with no other choice but to run with him since he was still holding my hand. We got to the cougar quickly but Edward didn't play around with this one. He let go of my hand and launched himself at the mountain lion. He cracked the neck and drank. It was quick and dirty, like most good things are. I was no less aroused this time, than the second time around. Edward and I however kept ourselves in check. Shamefully, I was a bit disappointed.

_**Edward**_

Weeks passed after my hunting trip with Bella and I feared that I had failed. It had started off well enough. I was able to find my prey of choice and even better, it was one of the mean son of a bitches that don't go down without a fight. Everything was smooth sailing until I was just about done feeding and a heady sweet yet musky smell filled my nose. I knew instantly what it was and all the venom inside me started to flow south. Bella was behind me, watching me, and completely turned on.

I was warm and filled with blood, feeling hedonistic after my hunt, and the most beautiful being in the universe was highly aroused by me. How could I ignore that. When I turned around to face her, the look in her eyes mirrored how I felt. I wanted her and there was no denying she wanted me. Her scent was so thick in the air that I could practically taste it, making me want to literally taste it, taste her. When I pressed my body against her, the sounds she made in response drove me crazy. Her little gasps and moans egged me on and when I licked her neck she had tasted a millions times better than I had imagined. I was ready and willing to take things a lot farther.

Bella however, was not. I could see the conflict in her eyes. Her body was on the same page as me, her head was somewhere else. Knowing about her past made it easy for my imagination to run wild with what she might have been thinking since I wasn't allowed to read her mind at the time. I felt like an asshole for pressing her when she'd already told me no. I wanted to kick my own ass for being a jerk even though Bella tried to tell me I'd done nothing wrong. I knew better though and I hated myself for being no better than any other guy she's come across in the past.

After the hunt on the drive home, Bella had sat in the passenger seat of the car with her knees pulled up to her chest saying absolutely nothing. She didn't sing along to the songs on the radio and some of them I knew for a fact that she really loved. She kept her distance from me for the rest of the week. She didn't avoid me or anything but we didn't have as much physical contact as we usually did. Our daily morning hugs were quick and stiff, hand holding was limited, and she always pulled away when I tried to touch her face.

Not only had a tarnished our friendship but my mission to try and convert her was a bust. From what I could tell, she never gave our hunting style another thought. She never asked any questions about it or showed the slightest interest at all. Well that was until it was time for me to hunt again. I walked out of the house and headed over to my Volvo. I noticed Esme and Bella on the porch, each with an ear bud to Bella's iPod in their ears.

"Where you going?" Esme asked.

"Hunting. Want to come?" I replied.

"No, I'm going with Carlisle later in the week," she told me. I nodded and started to turn away again when Bella's voice stopped me in my tracks.

"You didn't offer me."

I turned back to her with my brows knitted in confusion. "Do you want to come?"

"If you don't mind," she replied seeming a little uncertain.

"Of course not," I smiled waving her forward after opening the car door for her. She gave Esme her iPod before getting in the car.

Once we were on the road things started out much like the first time had. Things between us suddenly seemed easy again and that made me exceedingly happy. I wasn't sure why she wanted to come but it didn't matter too much. All I saw was another chance to make things better for Bella and I was silently thanking whatever God or deity that had granted me this blessing.

I took us to Montana again and to the same stretch of forest. All the way there, I'd told myself to stay under control, to not touch Bella unless she gave me expressed permission. We took off in the trees and it wasn't long before I caught the scent of a cougar nearby. The only problem was that I wasn't downwind. It would smell me coming and try to flee. I knew that I was fast enough to catch it anyway so I went for it. Bella kept a good distance away from me but I was still hyperaware of her every breath and footfall. The mountain lion ran from me just as I knew he would but it only took me half a minute to catch up and take him down.

My teeth sank into his neck like a knife through butter and I groaned as the blood gushed down my throat soothing the burn there. My eyes had closed in pleasure but opened again feeling Bella's presence near, and I found her in front of me about five feet away. Our eyes stayed locked on one another as I pulled greedily from the cat's neck. I stopped drinking suddenly though as inspiration hit. She was watching me so intently and the want that I remembered from last time was there. I didn't want to focus on that because I had a goal to accomplish here. I wanted to be close to Bella and there was one way to be close to her without having any physical contact.

"Wanna taste?" I asked quirking a brow.

The look on her face was priceless but I held in my laugh and kept a straight face.

"Hell no."

"Why not?" I pressed. "You must be at least a little curious."

"Curious yes but I'm content to watch," she countered crossing her arms. I knew Bella very well and when she crossed her arms I knew it was an outward show of the resolve that lacked inside. She was covering and with just a little more convincing I knew that I could win this.

"That's fine. I can understand that you'd be scared to…,"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" she exclaimed putting her hands up as if to physically stop my words. "I never said that I was scared to do anything!"

"Well what other reason would you have for not trying?"

"This thing smells like hell! I don't even want to imagine what it tastes like," she said eyeing the cougar in disgust.

"So… in other words you're scared," I smirked.

She glared at me long and hard before biting the other side of the cougar's neck. I smiled as the look of disgust returned. I remembered my first time tasting animal blood, so I understood that expression completely. I resumed drinking from my side and Bella's eyes widened in surprise. Sharing blood was a very intimate act that was rarely practiced outside of a mate type relationship. I watched her carefully to gauge her reaction to see if she was uncomfortable in any way, but after the shock wore off there was only excitement and some other unfathomable emotion in her eyes that made my insides clench.

After the mountain lion had run dry, Bella and I simultaneously pulled away from it. It fell to the ground and I stepped over it wanting to be close to her physically.

"I've never done anything like that before," she whispered looking into my eyes in wonderment.

"Me either," I replied.

"Then why'd you do it with me?"

"Because I wanted to. I've heard how… special…amazing, intimate it could be and I wanted to see… feel it for myself… with you," I told her honestly.

My family did it all the time whenever they went hunting alone with their mates. They all counted it as one of their favorite activities to do with one another. Vampires got extremely territorial when it came to hunting and to be able to share a prey with someone was a display of how comfortable, trusting, and they were with them.

"It was very… intimate," she nodded. "And I liked it. I liked it _a lot_, actually. I could taste you… your venom. The cougar was… just as awful as I thought it'd be but you made it better," she admitted never breaking eye contact.

I nodded in agreement, knowing exactly what she meant. I'd never enjoyed a hunt as much as I enjoyed this one. It was funny how the venom was what burned and scarred us when we were bitten but when sharing a meal it made the blood all the more enjoyable. I don't know if sharing with just anyone would have made for the same experience or just Bella in particular but as her venom laced with the blood the taste was sweeter, warmer, and heartier.

"That was the best blood I've ever had," I told her stepping closer to her. She closed the sliver of space left between us and wrapped her arms around my waist as she rested her head on my chest.

"I'm sorry I've been weird this past two weeks. I just didn't know what to do after…," she trailed off but I knew exactly what she was talking about. How could I not?

"You don't have to apologize, it was all my fault. I shouldn't have pushed you like that. You wanted me to back off, I knew that but ignored it. I'm the one that needs to apologize and I am sorry Bella. I'm very sorry," I told her.

"I don't blame you though, Edward. I wanted you to keep trying. Even after I pushed you away. I wanted you to try again. I wanted you to keep going until I gave in, but how could I want that? After everything that's been done to me why would I want someone I care about to force me into something I wasn't sure I was really ready for?" she asked pulling back to look up at me. The helpless look in her eyes broke my heart and I brought my hand up to run my fingers through her hair needing to comfort her in some way.

"I was so confused and angry with myself. I needed to think and that's why I was behaving strangely these past two weeks and I'm sorry because I saw that it upset you. I did talk to Rose a couple days and she said something that made sense, I guess," Bella continued.

"Well what did she say?"

"She told me that sometimes women who've been… hurt like us sometimes fall into patterns. She said that some women who've been repeatedly… abused like me come to seek sex that's aggressive and rough because that's all that I'm used to," she said concentrating on the buttons of my shirt. I could see and hear how hard this was for her to talk about and I stayed silent, hoping that would make it easier for her to get out what she so obviously wanted to say. I went from running my fingers through her hair to rubbing soothing circles on her back to let her know that I was listening, that I supported her, and that I was there for her as well.

"That's helped me understand somewhat but it doesn't make me any less angry! That's not how I want it to be for me. I want to have something normal, something sweet and easy, but I'll never have that if I'm subconsciously seeking out something that resembles an ugly past. How come I got the short end of the stick, Edward? And I'm sorry that I'm whining or whatever but I just… it's not fair," she huffed ruefully.

"You're not whining. You have every right to feel that way. I'm sorry that all that happened to you. The thing is, you could learn to change. With a little help, help that my family and I would love to give, you could have a better life. We could help you cope, reconcile, and move forward," I said lifting her chin with my index finger. She looked back at me with skepticism and doubt, but didn't say anything. She sighed heavily and buried her face back in my chest.

"Just hold me, okay?" she asked. "That's all I want right now."

I'd give Bella anything she wanted, so I tightened by arms around her small body pulling her impossibly closer to me. Her wish was my command.


	17. Chapter 17

_**SM owns.**_

**_Thank you Mommakat for pre-reading this chapter and making it one million times better!_**

_**Bella**_

I couldn't stop fidgeting. Alice had dressed me earlier than usual and Edward had started getting ready later than usual. This is how I ended up in Edward's bedroom while he got dressed in his closet. For some reason the knowledge that only a thin wall separated me from a naked fresh from the shower Edward made me feel a flurry of emotions. I was incredibly turned on yet insanely nervous. I wasn't even sure that I was still supposed to be in here. I had been in his room reading his journal and he had been sitting next to me on the couch playing his guitar. Next thing I knew he was up and in the shower.

He didn't say that I should leave, nor did he say I should when he walked past with only a towel wrapped around his waist to go to the closet. He didn't glance my way either but I was extremely grateful for that since I had been openly gawking at his broad shoulders, bare chest, rippled abs, and the start of that delicious v disappearing down into the towel. His form was damn near perfect. He looked like a Greek god with his long lean muscles and chiseled features.

Deep down I knew that my being in his room while he dressed in the closet, with the door open I might add, was not _that_ big of a deal. Edward was my friend, and after feeding with him I felt secure enough to call him my very _best_ friend. Rosalie, Esme, and Alice had changed clothes in front of me all the time. None of them had a penis that I'd been day dreaming about for weeks or had some kind of almost tryst with me in the woods though.

When Edward finally emerged from the closet fully dressed, I realized he managed to look just as good with all his clothes on as when he had them off. That was a remarkable talent, even more so than his mind reading.

"What time is it?" Edward called out to me.

I glanced at the clock and saw that he had about 10 minutes to get to school.

"Time for you to haul ass!" Rosalie yelled from downstairs.

Edward appeared in front of me fully dressed. He pulled me up from the couch and into a tight hug.

"See you after school. Want to go to the meadow?"

"Sure," I nodded.

He smiled and kissed my forehead. "Good!"

I stayed in Edward's room for a couple more minutes after he'd gone. I guess the kiss on the forehead was no big deal either. It felt so casual and natural. It was innocent and sweet. _Edward _was sweet. He deserved someone who could be that for him as well. I felt like a prick for doing whatever the hell I was doing with him. We called each other friends but it definitely felt like more. The fact that I could still feel his lips right smack dab in the middle of my forehead, tingling and sending shivers down my spine, told me that we were more. I just didn't know how else to categorize our relationship.

I could distinctly remember a time when I had been sweet, sickly sweet and desperate. I wished I could just revert back to that version of me for Edward but just the thought of actually doing that scared the hell out of me. That had turned out to be a not very healthy behavioral pattern. I shook my head to clear it of any unpleasant memories before they could really take root and ruin my day. It had started out pretty well and my goal was to keep it that way at least until sundown.

I walked downstairs and outside knowing that Esme was in the garden. She always got her day started in the garden whether it was to actually care for it or just relax in midst of all the gorgeous flowers. I found her out there nestled in a huge high backed wicker chair with her sketch book. I plopped in the one beside her and pulled my knees to my chest.

"Good morning, Bella," she said flashing me a brilliant smile.

"Morning," I replied amicably.

We sat in peaceful silence for a long time before she gave a little sigh letting me know she was about to initiate a conversation. I turned my head to look at her expectantly even though she had her eyes drained on whatever she was drawing.

"So I told you how I met Carlisle," she began. "Why don't you tell me how you met Lucas."

Remember how it was my goal to keep the day going good? Well that was done for now. There was no way I could talk about him and still stay in a good mood.

"Well I met Bree first. I didn't have any real friends. By that time in my life I just wanted to be by myself. But I was out one day and I saw Bree and she was just the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. Everyone paused to look at her as she walked by. I was sitting on a park bench just watching her and she seemed to be looking for something or someone. She spotted me sitting alone and her eyes lit up, like I was who she was looking for. She came right over to sit beside me and I just kept staring wondering what she wanted with me.

She introduced herself and complimented my hair before going on and on about how she could never plait her hair right and hated combing out the tangles after she washed it. She was friendly and I was just so happy that someone had taken an interest in me. I liked her immediately and we talked for hours walking around the town. It started to get late and I knew that I had to be home soon. I asked Bree could we meet again tomorrow at the park and at first she agreed but then her expression changed going from happy, to angry, to scared. She told me to hurry and run away home. I couldn't understand what changed. I wanted to ask why but her the look on her face told me to just do what she said. When I turned to leave though I collided into what felt like a brick wall but turned out to be the most fascinating man I'd ever seen. He was so tall, just as tall as Emmett. He wasn't as muscular but was no where near as scrawny either. His hair was flaxen blonde and his eyes black as coal. The contrast from his pale skin and hair made his eyes shocking. Lucas' beauty was eerie but undeniable. He scared and thrilled me all at the same time.

"Bree tried again to urge me home but I was too consumed with him to pay her any mind. He introduced himself as her older brother and proceeded to tell me I was the most beautiful human being he'd ever laid eyes on. I'm still surprised I didn't melt right there on the sidewalk. I was young, inexperienced, and super naïve but I could see the hunger, desire and malice in his eyes. I was so scared and so excited. When he invited me back to their home for dinner I couldn't think of any reason not to go. After all he had told me I was beautiful," I said rolling my eyes at my own stupidity.

I was prepared to end the story there but Esme was looking at me expectantly. She wanted me to continue with the story. I debated whether I should keep going or not. I mean I had told her how we'd met. She didn't ask to know anything else, so why would I tell her more? If I was being totally honest, I actually wanted to talk to Esme about Lucas. I kept so much hidden from not only other people but myself because I didn't want to think about the pain that went along with my memories, but now that I was finally starting to talk it felt good. It was freeing and made me feel lighter some how. I took a deep breath and continued on with the story.

"He gave me his arm and led me down the street. Bree sulked the whole way behind us but I didn't care. I was too busy falling in love with her supposed brother. We had to walk through the town square and as we passed by some of the vendors he bought an orchid and braided it into my hair. He picked out the sweetest fruits to buy and purchased a Chinese fan for me as well. They were the first gifts I'd ever received and I had planned to treasure them forever.

"When we arrived at their home, it was a big beautiful home. We went inside and dinner was already cooked and waiting. Looking back I should have found several things odd about the situation. I can recall Bree telling me earlier in the day that she was an only child and now suddenly her older brother shows up. Lucas had said that he would cook for me but when we got home there was an empty house with dinner already prepared. Bree was fourteen years old and Lucas was twenty- four but inside the house there were rattlers and other toys for small children scattered around the living room floor. None of that raised a red flag for me back then though. Lucas was the only thing that mattered to me at the time.

"He served me dinner and kept up the stream of compliments while I ate. The food was delicious and I'd been so hungry. There was fish, glazed baby carrots, and rice pilaf. I wolfed down my food. It had been so long since I had a real meal like that. After I'd eaten, Lucas told Bree to take me upstairs and show me her bedroom. Bree told him no. She said that I had to go home and that she had never meant for me to come home with them. I was hurt and I could see the anger flashing in both their eyes. There was also fear in Bree's.

"Lucas told her that he wasn't impressed by her rudeness and that he would not tolerate disobedience. Whether she took me up or not, he would get what he wanted. I was confused but more than anything I didn't want Bree to get in trouble. Lucas had been extremely nice to me but he seemed like a pretty strict disciplinarian when it came to Bree. I told her to just do what her brother said and then I promised I would leave. Lucas kissed my forehead and smiled brightly. He seemed pleased and I was ecstatic that I had made him smile that way. He told Bree that she could learn from me and to hurry along because he had to get back.

"He waited at the end of the stairs watching as Bree slowly led me up to her bedroom. I looked back at him and caught that hungry look in his eyes again. It was so intense and made goose bumps cover my skin. He winked at me just before Bree pulled me out of sight and opened the door to a room at the end of the hall. She gestured that I should go in first. I'd only taken one step inside the door before I felt her push my hair out of the way. She whispered 'I'm sorry' in my ear right and then I felt the sharp pain in my neck. The burning followed and when it stopped three days later…well I told you what happened after that already."

Esme sat quietly for a long time. Her brow was furrowed and I could tell that she was thinking hard about what I'd just told her.

"So Bree didn't want to change you?" she finally asked.

"Nope," I said shaking my head. "She told me later she had truly liked me and didn't want me to end up with an existence like hers. The southern wars were not kind to women. Even less kind in Lucas's army. He was changed back in 1700's and was basically a caveman. He thought he owned the women in his army," I answered.

"I'm really sorry to say this and I hope it doesn't offend you, but Bella…he seems like a really awful person," Esme said apologetically.

I laughed humorlessly. "I'm never offended by the truth," I replied. "Nothing was more important to Lucas than himself. He did what he had to, to make himself happy no matter how unhappy it made everyone else."

Esme took in a shaky breath and I looked over to find her with glassy eyes and a frown on her face.

"And despite all that you still loved him?" she asked.

I shrugged. "In the beginning he was everything to me. I loved him more than anything else. It made me happy to please him. I loved to put a smile on his face and feel the kisses he gave as a reward for obeying him. In the end though, I just didn't want to be alone. He was what was comfortable, familiar, and safe. Sure I'd been hurt by Lucas a million times over but I never feared for my life. He killed to protect me many times just as I had for him. He wanted me with him, at his side all the time. He doted on me, praised me for my triumphs and made love to me every day for over a century. He was routine, he was constant, he was the norm. He was… the bad habit I just couldn't break," I said.

Esme opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by the sound of her cell phone vibrating. She glanced at the ID screen before looking at me apologetically.

"It's Carlisle, but I want to finish this conversation okay?" she said.

I nodded and walked away leaving her to talk to him in private. I wandered off into the woods going nowhere in particular. My mind was stuck in the past thinking about the first few weeks of my vampiric life. It was a whirlwind of blood and sex with Lucas. I'd like to say that things slowed down after those days I'd spent at that house but it never did. Blood and sex summarized my life. Everything I did was in some way related to those two things in some way or another. That pathetic little fact made me feel dirty and worthless. What exactly was my purpose? To lie on my back and please men? To kill and drink blood that only cooled my throat for a measly couple of days before the burn started to rear it's ugly head again?

I found myself laughing when I realized that really was my purpose. I doubled over with the laughter that eventually brought me to my knees and wrenched up loud pitiful sobs from my chest.

_**Edward**_

I stopped the second I heard Bella crying. I wanted to go to her more than anything. I wanted to hold her until all the pain she was in fell away and all she felt was me. I wanted to assure her of her safety when she was with me. I wanted to do so much but I knew that I shouldn't. Bella hated for me to see or think of her as weak. If I went to her at a moment like this, she would only get on the defensive and push me away. So I stayed helplessly where I was. I leaned against a tree and waited her out. When I couldn't hear her anymore, I still waited until I could hear her begin to move. I took a deep breath to get myself together because I felt like whatever pain she was in had been simultaneously racking through me as well. When I was composed and ready to pretend I hadn't witnessed her breakdown, I ran to her.

"Hello Mind Reader," she said as I approached.

"Hey," I smiled.

"Did I ever tell you how wide of a range my gift has," she asked.

"No…," I replied not really sure why she'd chosen this topic of discussion.

"25 miles. I can feel and manipulate up to one hundred vampires in a twenty-five mile radius. I may not have heard you approach, but I felt you the minute your car got onto the highway."

"So… basically waiting over there was completely pointless?"

"Yes."

"Bella, I'm sorry. I just…,"

"Stop. I'm not mad. I'm grateful what you _tried_ to do. Plus after giving myself permission to read your diaries I think bitching you out for listening to me cry would be a tad hypocritical. Especially since you were trying to give me the illusion of privacy," she said.

I snorted a laugh and shook my head. Bella had been surprising me quite a lot lately and most of the time it was pleasantly so. I draped my arm over her shoulders and kissed her temple.

"Let's go," I said leading in the direction going toward the meadow. When we got there I opened the back pack full of supplies I'd compiled for us before Esme had told me Bella had wandered off into the woods and I set off to find her. I laid out a blanket for us to relax on and pulled out her iPod and the journal of mine she was currently reading, my notebook full of sheet music, and my homework.

"Edward Cullen you are the very closet thing to perfect," she said plopping down and grabbing her iPod.

The compliment effected me more I was willing to admit. Hearing her approval of me had the power to make my entire month. I tried to reign in what would have been a beaming grin to a modest smirk as I laid on my side beside her. I went to work finishing up the song I was writing for her as she plunged back into my journal. I could hear Hang You From The Heavens by The Dead Weather coming from her iPod. I looked at her face and saw that she was looking at the journal but not reading it. Her eyes were stationary in their sockets and they were unfocused, not at all unlike Alice when she was seeing something from another time. Alice always saw the future but Bella was always in the past.

I watched her for several minutes and saw her face begin to shrivel in anger. I'd brought her here so that we could relax and just enjoy some quiet time with one another. She so clearly was not relaxing right now. I reached over and smoothed out her brow to bring her attention to me.

"You remember how we promised to stay in the moment with each other?" I asked and she nodded her head. "Can you do that right now, please?"

Bella rolled her eyes and tossed my journal aside before turning on her side to face me.

"And what makes you think I wasn't already doing that," she asked propping her head up on her hand.

"That ugly scowl that was just marring your beautiful face and the fact that I may have heard a snippet of the conversation you had with Esme when I asked her where you were and she thought about it," I responded. Her face darkened only fleetingly before she composed herself.

"It was nothing major," I assured her. "I just know that you were talking about Lucas and Bree and you're always upset after talking about them."

"You think you know me quite a bit then Mr. Cullen huh?"

"I think I know more than anyone else does. I know I want to know you more too," I told her taking her hand and lacing her fingers with mine.

"I know all about you too, Edward," she replied and it was my turn to roll my eyes.

"You couldn't possibly! After delving my innermost thoughts and musing via diary, it would be quite presumptuous of you to think you know anything about me," I retorted jokingly.

Her mouth started to twitch into a smile and I found myself disappointed when she didn't. I think I hid it well though.

"You can always tell me to stop being a nosey bitch, you know," she replied. I pulled her hand closer to my face and maneuvered my own so that it was out of the way, allowing me to kiss the inside of her wrist.

"I'll consider it when you start being a nosey bitch."

"You've kissed me three times today."

"You've been counting?"

She nodded, "Once this morning on the cheek, in the woods on the side of the head, and just now."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"…No."

"Good."

I kissed the inside of her palm and then the inside of her wrist again. Her skin was so soft and I loved the feel of it against my lips. Unfortunately that was the only skin available to me at the moment. That didn't stop me from kissing the inside of her elbow through her clothes though or her shoulder. I got more skin as I moved up to kiss her cheek again and cup the nape of her neck in my hand. My eyes fixated on her pretty pink lips before finally meeting her gaze. She was looking at me just as she had after my hunt. She was holding her breath waiting for me to make my next move.

"Do you want me to stop now?" I asked glancing at her lips again. I wanted to kiss her so bad it was nearly killing me. I fully intended to stop if she told me to but I prayed harder than I ever had that she wouldn't.

I started easing my face closer to hers painstakingly slow as I waited for permission but she showed no signs of ever responding.

"Tell me what to do, Bella," I begged.

She inhaled deeply as her eyes searched mine for something I desperately hoped she would find. She opened her mouth to speak just as my cell rang and stopped her. I ignored it and when it finally stopped ringing Bella was breathless. She opened her mouth again just to be cut off once more. I dropped my head and growled in frustration. Bella responded with the sweetest noise I'll ever hear. A giggle.

My eyes shot to her face to see a small but genuine and dazzling smile. It felt like my heart came to life again just to stop at the beautiful sight before me. She rolled onto her back away from me and picked up my journal.

"Pick your jaw up off the ground and answer your phone Cullen," she said through yet another giggle.

I didn't know what else to do but stare and do exactly what she told me to.

"Hello?" I said after retrieve the phone from my pocket.

"Carlisle wants you to come home. The Denali's are coming in to visit tomorrow. Irina's found her mate and she wants us to meet him," Alice said.

"Fine," I said disgruntled that I'd been interrupted for that. It was great that Irina found her mate and I was excited that my cousins were coming to visit. Did I really need to be bothered for that though? There were six people at the house already. How much more help could I be? I hung up on Alice taking my anger out on her and got up to help Bella who was already stuffing everything back into the back pack I'd brought.

On the run back to the house my phone buzzed with a text message from Alice. It read:

_I would say sorry for interrupting your almost kiss with Bella but would you have honestly preferred the kiss over hearing her laugh?_

I smiled thinking about how much I loved my omniscient sister as I typed and sent my reply:

_Not at all._


	18. Chapter 18

_**SM owns.**_

**_One million and three thanks to Mommakat who pre-reads and edits each chapter._**

_**Bella**_

I wasn't too stoked about the Cullen's upcoming visitors. In fact I was worried about them. I was barely comfortable around the Cullens. I didn't want to be around them plus another large coven of six vampires. Apparently the Denali coven were from a town of the same name in Alaska and would only be here for a week. All the Cullens were excited about their extended "family" coming down for a visit, but I was making plans to tough it out and revert back to my old nomadic ways for a week, even though the idea depressed me a little. After months of being here with the Crazies I could definitely see the upside of taking up a permanent residence. I'd forgotten how wonderful the luxuries of a home could be. I quickly revised a plan to borrow a little bit of the Cullen fortune to stay at a little inn I'd seen in Port Angeles a few weeks back.

"Bella!" Alice whined turning to me with pouted lips. "The Denali's won't hurt you! They live like we do," she said. I assumed she saw me either roaming the state or vegetating in a hotel room.

"That's fine but I don't know them and I don't see any reason to get to know them. You act like it's a surprise that I'm not a fan of strange vampires. It makes me uncomfortable and it will in turn make them uncomfortable. You can either have a good time with your guests this week, cough up the dough for a hotel room, and leave me be until I come back after they are gone or we can all be miserable. I'm being reasonable and trying to work out something that works for everyone, Alice. I'm sure they won't be hurt by the fact that they won't get to see someone they never even knew existed," I argued.

She crossed her arms over her chest and glowered at me as I stared back expressionless. She seemed content on a staring contest and that was fine with me as well. I'd lain under a dock for 36 years. I could handle a staring match with the world's only ADHD vampire. It lasted all of twenty seconds before Alice finally gave in. She huffed before shuffling out of the room and coming back seconds later with her laptop.

"Well if you must leave, you're not staying at that little rinky-dink place you saw in Port Angeles. There's a darling little bed and breakfast right here in Forks. The Miller Tree Inn. You can stay there for a week," she said pulling at the place's web site. "I'm booking Ella's Suite for you. It's the best."

"Cool," I shrugged trying to seem nonchalant. It was bad enough that I'd let myself become so domesticated I felt living outside for a week was beneath me. I refused to show any excitement over a suite at a bed and breakfast. I'd proved to myself to be high-maintenance enough for one day.

I relaxed back on my bed as Alice made the reservations. When she was done she turned to me with a serious expression on her face. "Now Bella I need you to promise you will change your clothes every day. I'm packing you a suitcase with a weeks worth of outfits and I want them worn," she said.

I rolled my eyes. "I promise," I said placing my hand over my dead heart.

She smiled and skipped away into my closet just as Rose came in the room and flounced herself on my bed in the spot Alice had just vacated.

"Emmett and I went to that bed and breakfast last year. It was really beautiful," she said.

"You and Emmett?" I asked. "Alice are you sure this place is still standing?"

Alice and Emmett who was in another room burst into laughter as Rose smiled sheepishly and punched me in the shoulder.

"Now that you mention it Bella, maybe I should call and make sure," Alice giggled.

"Harty har har," Rosalie said rolling her eyes. "Will you at least come by and meet Tanya and the others one day this week? I mean they're all really nice," she told me.

"I'll think about it," I lied, knowing good and well that I would not be making an appearance any time that coven was here.

Like I'd said to Alice, it would just make everyone uncomfortable. My scars alerted others to the fact that I was very possibly dangerous. They would be on edge and I would get paranoid. They would ask questions and I would refuse to answer. I didn't have a problem talking about my past with the Cullens because they'd given me asylum and shown me kindness that I didn't know existed in our kind. They trusted me even though they had no real reason to, and if they wanted information the very least I could do was give it to them. As much as I was willing to at least. Some things are just better left unsaid.

"Check in is usually at noon but I pulled some strings so that your suite will be available to you at 8:00am. The Denali's will arrive at exactly 9:02 am," Alice told me as she pulled two large suitcases and a bag out of my closet.

"You're a doll," I replied. "And what the hell is all of that?"

"Well I'm giving you options! I also see a human falling and accidentally spilling his coffee on you. You'll have to change after that and please remember to behave as though it burns and hurts like hell, okay?" she responded.

"Will do," I nodded.

The next morning I showered and dressed to get ready and leave. I knew that I had plenty of time before the Denali clan arrived but just knowing that they were coming made me nervous. I was dressed with all my bags at the door at 5:30am.

"What the hell?" Emmett said looking up from his video game.

"Shut up," I said resting my feet on the coffee table only to immediately be admonished by Esme who was upstairs in her bedroom with Carlisle.

"Feet off the table!" she screamed as I immediately complied. I glanced at Emmett who was snickering beside me.

"How the hell does she do that?" I whispered.

He tapped his ear. "She knows the sound."

"That's not weird at all," I replied snorting a laugh.

"Exactly," Emmett chuckled tossing me a controller. He restarted the game and I killed time playing with him until it was time for me to leave. Edward came down the steps and tossed me the keys to his Volvo. I looked at them in my hand in confusion before quirking my brow at him.

"Seriously?" I asked.

"Seriously," he nodded.

Edward loved his cars and though I assured him many, many times that I knew how to drive he would never let me get behind the wheel of the Volvo and wouldn't even let me think about the Vanquish. I can't believe that he's giving me the keys to one of his beloved cars and I half expected him to snatch them away at any second.

"You're going to drop me off?" I asked trying to get him to actually say what I think his giving me the keys means.

"No. You're going to drive yourself and then I'll come later on tonight and make sure you haven't wrecked it," he replied.

I instantly realized that his letting me drive the Volvo is just a way for him to come see me at the bed and breakfast tonight. I found that this news excited me even more than finally being able to drive the car.

"Please," I rolled my eyes. "If anything happens to that car while it's in my care, I'm just going to skip town," I replied jokingly. Sheer panic flashed in Edward's eyes before he tried to compose himself.

"Yea, you better," he tried to joke back but I could still hear the nerves in his voice. My comment must have hit him hard. I sort of understood why but was still incredulous. I didn't want him to be worried so I stepped closer to him leaving very little space between us. I cupped his face in my hands and stared into his eyes. I lowered the volume of everyone's thoughts except for mine.

"_I was just kidding, Edward. I'm not going anywhere any time soon," _I thought.

"Can we change any time soon to just never?" he asked in a hushed tone.

"_I won't make promises that I can't keep. I like it here Edward and I like being where you are but I am a nomad."_

"Things change."

"_Not vampires."_

"That's a lie."

The conviction in his tone coupled with the intensity that darkened his eyes stunned me . I stared into his eyes feeling trapped in their depths. He's looked at me quite like this before and it makes the swarm of butterflies in my belly flutter almost painfully. I want to respond. I know that I should respond but my body seems to be frozen and even if it wasn't, I would have no idea what to say.

"Did you change your mind and decide to meet the Denali's?" Rose asked breaking me free from Edward's gaze.

"No!" I exclaimed in a pitch higher than usual. "See you guys later," I said before grabbing my bags and exiting the house in a literal blink of an eye.

It was really pathetic that I felt the need to flee like that but whatever. I tried to not worry about it as I drove to Miller Tree Inn. I instead tried to focus on how smooth the car rode, how the engine purred, and incessant pounding of the pistons. It doesn't take long to reach my destination and when I do, I throw on a pair of lovely shades that Alice has given me. My eyes are dark, the color of red wine maybe. They could pass for black but if I was standing close enough to a human they might be able to see their true color.

As I got out of the car, a man came to greet me and help me with my bags. He was middle aged and wore a huge smile on his face. He seemed nice and smelled divine. Venom rushed to my mouth but I swallowed it down painfully. It was a pity that I couldn't have him. I would have to hunt soon. I quickly made plans to head to Calgary sometime this week.

"Hello, I'm Max. You must be Ms. Swan," he said extending his hand to me.

I smiled widely exposing all my teeth as I grasped his hand in mine. I watched him struggle to maintain his smile as his instincts told him to fear me.

"Pleased to meet you Max. Call me Bella though," I said stepping around him and leading the way into the Inn. It was a beautiful Victorian manor and had a very cozy and homey décor. Esme would love this place, not to mention the awesome as fuck garden I can see from the windows of my suite. Max helped me settle in and then quickly escaped. Watching him actually run from my room makes me feel bad that I intentionally spooked him upon introduction. I mean what was the point of that really? At some point in time I would have to stop being such a bitch all the time… right around the time the pigs start to fly.

I unpacked the suitcases Alice packed and then the bag filled with a few of Edward's journals, my iPod, some DVD's and a lap top Alice gifted me with. As it turned out, the internet was fucking awesome. You could visit all kinds of crazy sites. One of my faves was a site where you could look at weirdoes shopping at some super store.

I plopped on the bed and prepared to do absolutely nothing until Edward arrives later on tonight. To be perfectly honest I miss him and the rest of the Crazies already. I can hear the other guests and employees of the Inn moving about but I miss the sounds of the Cullen house, the scraping of Esme and Alice's pencils as the former sketches interior designs and the latter clothing, the tapping of Emmett's video game controller, the clanking of Rosalie's tools as she fiddles with the cars, the flipping of pages as Carlisle and Jasper read, and the sound of whatever piece of music Edward creates. I was used to hearing those sounds on a daily basis and just knowing that I wouldn't hear them for a while made me feel…well, homesick.

I took a moment to weep for my ridiculousness. How had I let this happen to myself? Maybe Edward was right, maybe vampires do change. Fifty years ago I would have slapped myself for even thinking about spending a week in a bed and fucking breakfast. If anything I would have made a bet with Lucas to see who could drain the most people in this place the fastest. I surely wouldn't have felt bad for scaring the hell out of Max and I probably would have tried very hard to beat myself to a pulp for taking Edward's bait for trying that animal blood. Bleh!

I shook my head of less than desirable thought on the person I was unfortunately becoming and set my iPod to shuffle. I settled back against the head board of the bed and relished the softness around me of the plush pillows and thick comforter. I placed the laptop on my lap and connected to the inn's free Wi-Fi. Time passed quickly enough and before I knew it I got a call from Max saying that a Mr. Edward Cullen was here to see me. I told him in my sweetest voice to send Edward up and thanked him profusely for his hospitality in an attempt to warm him to me. That was a no go. His response was a string of unintelligible stuttering.

Edward showed up at my door seconds later and let himself in upon my telling him the door was open. He walked in with a gorgeous smile on his face. His hair was messy as usual and the second he was seated beside me on the couch, I ran my hands through it.

"You smell like that coven," I said scrunching my nose. I loved his scent and I was pretty miffed that it was mingled with several scents that were mostly female.

"I know," he smiled. "That's why I brought a bag. Can I shower and change here?" he asked.

I bit my lip to try and hide my smile but Edward wasn't having it. He used his thumb to tug my lip free. He smiled in response to my own.

"Don't hide that from me," he whispered. "It's already made my list of favorite things."

I simply nodded feeling too embarrassed to actually say anything. He kissed my forehead and went off to the bathroom to shower.

While he did that I pulled my knees up and hugged them to my chest. I buried my face in the little burrow of space between them and hid my silly grin from myself. I'd never known a person as sweet, thoughtful, and caring as Edward Cullen. He was good to me and his family. That kind of behavior was alien to me. Bree had been nice. We had each other's backs and acted as confidants when the mayhem around became too much. In the end though all her kindness and friendship became muddled. I still to this day was not sure who had been right and who had been wrong, who had lied, and who had been tricked. The details had been scattered when everyone became to preoccupied to save their own hides.

I couldn't help but wonder when the same exact thing would happen between me and the Cullens. As vampires we were naturally selfish and consumed by our own self preservation. Yes, they were domesticated and could play the human role almost to a T but at their core they were vampires. You could only bury your nature so far.

"What are you thinking, Swan," Edward asked breaking me from my reverie. I looked up and found him standing in the doorway to the bathroom. Steam from his shower billowed around him and carried his scent to where I sat. It was heady in the air and I inhaled it greedily. His wet hair was plastered on his forehead and he had dressed simply in a grey t-shirt and black plaid pajama pants leaving his feet bare. He was the epitome of sexy.

"Nothing," I lied not wanting to spoil what could be just an easy night for us. Plus I've noticed he brought his guitar with him and I want him to play for me. "Are you staying the night?" I asked.

"Yep," he nodded.

I smirked and went to go change into my own pajamas. This was another weird habit I'd picked up from the Cullens. Of course, none of us could sleep but we all dressed for bed anyway. I changed into pink plaid pajama pants and a white longed sleeved t-shirt. When I came back out into the bedroom, Edward was sitting cross legged on the bed with his guitar in his lap.

"I finished it," he smiled.

"My song?"

He nodded and I ran to join him on the bed. I sat directly across from him and crossed my legs as well. I could tell that he was a little nervous so I ran my fingers through his damp hair to comfort him. He took a deep breath and began to strum.

It started slow. The notes were low and elongated, mournful. The tempo built but he continued to use the lower notes, making the music sound tumultuous and dark. My eyes kept flitting between his fingers and his face. He was deep into the music and focused on his playing. He was passionate about this song, about what it represented, about… me. The music slowed again and became excruciatingly melancholy and made me feel the pangs of a cry forming in my chest. I'd never been touched by a piece of music like this before in either of my lives. I needed to clear my throat but I didn't want to disrupt the music. As the song came to a close, he began to use higher notes, lightening the tone, and making a more hopeful sound. When he stopped playing the room erupted in a deafening silence.

It seemed as if Edward couldn't bring himself to look at me and I couldn't bring myself to look away from him. I was completely in awe of him. I couldn't believe that he could create something so real and heartfelt. I needed to talk to him to express just how that piece had affected me. I silenced every mind in his range, wishing that I could silence their voices as well. I waited patiently until he met my eyes and when he did I leaned forward and cupped his face in both my hands.

"You know me," I breathed. "That sounded exactly like me. I felt like I was actually listening to my life. I know this sounds really cheesy and all but that's just how it felt," I told him.

"Then it's not cheesy," he replied with a small smile. "You don't think it was too dramatic?" he asked.

I shook my head and moved closer to him. "No. My life has been dramatic from the very beginning. If anything you could have added drama," I answered honestly. His only response was a nod so I kept talking because there's more that I wanted to say.

"I've never felt as close to another person as I feel to you right now. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal of this than necessary but it's important to me that I let you know what that song means to me. I feel it _here_," I said taking one of my hands from his face. I took one of his hands and placed it over my heart. "I can't remember the last time I've felt anything there. My heart was dead long before Bree and Lucas came into my world," I said.

"My mother died shortly after I was born. She survived just long enough to inform the doctor of my name. My father must have loved her fiercely and he blamed me for her death. He was a very rich man, owning one of the largest sugar plantations in Louisiana and left it to the slaves he owned to raise me. Even they barely had time for me. There was so much else to do. They cleaned, fed, and clothed me each day and then went on about their business. I would go days and days without ever even seeing my father but I wanted him to love me so bad. I just wanted him to hug me, kiss me, or just acknowledge my fucking presence!

"He never did though, not even when he hosted parties at our house. He was so nice to everyone else, always smiling and laughing with others but for me there was nothing. As I got older, I vied harder for his attention. I studied hard and made my governess swear on her life to tell him how bright I was, thinking that would make him want to talk to me. I would press my ear to the door of his study whenever she went to talk to him to make sure she held to her word. She would sing my praises and even exaggerate a little but he never cared.

"I sought out violin instructors, singing instructors, ballet instructors, trying to pick up any and every skill I could. I worked tirelessly to master all of them, praying that one would make him notice me and realize that I was worth loving. Apparently I really wasn't though. I excelled at everything by the age of thirteen; my instructors were tossing around words like gifted, genius and prodigy. They might as well have been talking to a brick wall. My father would never even look up from his paper.

"Eventually I just got so angry that I snapped. If good things didn't attract his attention, then bad things would have to do the trick. One morning I was lying in bed after not being able to sleep the night before from the rage broiling inside me. Suddenly I was screaming at the top of my lungs trashing the house. Breaking everything I could, vases, china, windows, and lamps. I flipped over tables and tore down the drapes. I went completely mad.

"I was in the middle of destroying the painting in the parlor when I heard my father's laugh from behind me. I spun around to face him and he was finally looking at me. He was smiling and laughing at me! I was ecstatic and couldn't help but to join him in laughter. I'd finally captured his attention and my victory had me on cloud nine. He came over to me and took my hand. It was the very first time he'd ever touched me. I held his hand tight and relished the feel of his skin. His hands were huge, warm, and a tad rough. Just how I had imagined it. He led me out of the house with me still in my night gown. I didn't even care because I was just so happy to be with him.

"He put me into the carriage and rode us down to an orphanage in the next town. He walked me inside and pushed me toward the nearest nun. He told them he'd found me on a street corner and didn't know what else to do with me. I don't even have the words to describe how I felt hearing those words come out of his mouth. I stared at him in disbelief. His eyes were so cold and I just felt so defeated, crushed, and lost. The nuns asked me if I knew where my parents were but it felt as though all the air had left my lungs, the ability to speak and form words was suddenly beyond me. All I could do was feel excruciating pain.

"My father winked at me and then left the nun to deal with me. Walked right out the door leaving me in a fucking orphanage. The nun begged me to tell her where my parents were or what had happened to them. I don't know how long it took me to answer her but when I finally did I told her that I had killed my mother and my father killed me. The nun looked at me as if I were crazy and maybe I was but that's what I'd felt truly happened. After that I rarely spoke to anyone again. I didn't feel the need or even see the point. Then three years later I met Bree and my whole life changed. There were tons of people in my life who paid me too much attention but I'm certain that no one saw me in the way that you see me. No one's ever… _seen me_," I said not knowing a better way to word what I needed him to understand. I knew that I probably sounded like an idiot and confused him but I just didn't know what else to say.

The look on Edward's face was unfathomable. I had no idea what he was thinking and I really didn't want to know. There was a myriad of emotions playing across his features that combined to make a horrid expression that was a cross between a frown, grimace, scowl, and a pout. It marred his beauty and I hated it. I wanted to rid him of that expression. I wanted him to feel my gratitude, awe, and adoration for him because I'd failed miserably at telling him. I moved even closer to him and rose up on my knees before taking his guitar from his lap and placing it beside him on the bed. I caressed his face with the back of my hand as I gazed into his eyes searching for whatever greatness that was inside of him and missing from myself.

I drug my hands down his neck and chest before going back up and fisting them in his hair. I slowly lowered my lips down to his. I wanted the kiss to be tender and worshipping. I wanted it to be slow and deep and it did start out that way. The instant our lips touched though a sensation that felt like electric fire shot through me and made me moan into his mouth. It was wild and consuming. It ignited passions and desires within that refused to be tamed. I held the reigns for only seconds before those feelings finally overwhelmed me and I thrust my tongue into his mouth.

A growl was forming and rumbling deep in Edward's chest and I knew without a doubt that he was feeling the exact same way I was. His hands gripped my hips as he leaned forward making me lie back on the bed. Excitement like I'd never felt trilled through as Edward's body pressed me deep into the mattress. His weight felt splendid and that erection that had haunted my day dreams pressed against me. I spread my thighs to cradle his hips as he thrust against me.

"Oh God," I breathed as his pillow soft full lips left mine and ravished my jaw and neck. While the actions he performed on my neck were amazing and arousing, I missed his lips on mine. I'd never experienced a kiss like that before and I wanted that connection back. I wanted to taste him again, for his taste was even better than his scent. I grabbed his hair and pulled him back where I wanted and he instantly devoured my mouth with his. His hands roamed by body over my clothes as mine did the same to him. I ran my hands down his hard chest, rippled abs, across his waist and around to his back before moving them down to grip his ass. The man was nothing short of perfect.

His hands found my breasts and kneaded them gently but pinching my erect nipples through the thin fabric of my top. He grinded his hips against me again and I moaned out loudly in sensory overload. I really wanted to feel his skin against mine but when he moved to bring his hands up my shirt I had to stop him. I wasn't ready for him to see or feel the scars that I kept hidden under my clothes. I grabbed his wrists and rolled us over so that I was on top of him.

"Your rules," he says as he sucks and nibbles my earlobe. I moan again and this time at his words. I know for a fact that for all the times I've rolled around in the sack with men, I've never played by my rules. The fact that Edward is willing to let me be in control is the sexiest thing in the world to me and I almost want to give the control back to him and let him do whatever he wants to me. Almost. I'm not going to relinquish my power to him without taking advantage of it at least once. Who knows when I'll get an opportunity like that again?

Throughout the rest of the night and early morning Edward and I make out like the perpetual teenagers we are. You'd think that hours and hours of kissing, groping, and grinding would get boring but it never does. I don't think anything done with Edward could bore me. He's just _that_ phenomenal.

"I'll be back tonight," Edward said as he pinned me against the door of his Volvo with his hips.

"Okay," I nodded with a small smile. He's not even gone but I miss him already. For the third time in two minute I consider stopping my cowardice ways and just go back to the house with him. My cowardice beat out my neediness again though and I kept my mouth shut.

"And we'll continue our conversation from last night?" he asked.

I lean forward and capture his lips in a brief but deep kiss. "That conversation?"

He smiled but shook his head. "No the one with actual words spoken," he replied.

I don't want to talk about that anymore but I nodded just to appease him. We kissed again before saying goodbye and I hurried back to my suite. I know that's it pathetic and puke inducing but as soon I'm behind my door I squeal like a school girl and call Rose because I have to talk to someone about the night before. Rose answered on the first ring and all I have to do is say 'we kissed' to make her promise to be at Miller Tree Inn in ten minutes.

"Details. Every last one," Rose demanded the second she's in the room.

"Hello Rosalie. Oh I'm just fine," I replied.

"Oh please. We don't do pleasantries so pretend that we do now because you're feeling shy about telling all about how you swallowed my brother's face," she responded.

"Well fuck you too," I grumbled before sitting down on the couch.

She chuckled and took the seat beside me, "Seriously. Spill," she said.

She asked for all the details but of course that's not what I gave her. Some things I wanted to keep between just Edward and I. I told her about the song he wrote for me, how it was the perfect musical summary of me, and that I rewarded his efforts with my lips for hours on end after a verbal expression of gratitude.

"Well how was it?" she asked smiling impishly.

"I sort of feel like I've discovered a whole new category of oral sex," I said. "It would be like insulting the memory of what we did by just simply labeling it kissing. It felt too good. It had to be something more," I told her only half joking.

She rolled her eyes but giggled as well. "So what does this mean for you two?"

"Slow down Rose. Edward and I haven't really gotten a chance to talk about any of that. He wants to talk tonight but I don't even know what will happen. I don't know if what I want is also what's right. There's a lot I need to think about and discuss with him, you know," I replied.

Her question had totally crumbled the euphoria I'd felt earlier this morning. I didn't want to think about repercussions or difficult decisions. Why couldn't she just focus on the physical aspect of things like a normal person?

"Okay," she nodded a serious expression on her face. "I bet he's going to just reek of you when he gets home. Tanya's going to be pissed," she smiled devilishly.

My first instinct was to get offended that she used the word reek but a more possessive instinct picks up the last part of her statement.

"Why would she care?" I asked.

"I thought I told you about Tanya and Edward?" she replied and I know her well enough to know that she's fucking with me and trying to get me excited. What's worse is that it works.

"Stop being a bitch and tell me what you mean. Are they together or something. Did they used to be?"

"Well Tanya's wanted Edward from the every second she saw him. She thought that since she's a master of seduction a switch of her hip and a pout of her lips would make Edward drool for her. Of course, Edward isn't the one to go for someone based on appearances alone. He let her down gently with every advance but Tanya never backs down and tries incessantly to get him to be with her," she told me.

There were key points of what Rose said that I should have focused on. I should have been rested assured that Edward had never felt anything for her and that he repeatedly turned her down. I should have realized that I had not one single claim on him myself and whatever he or did not do with other women was no concern of mine. Those were all the smart and logical things that should have been going through my head, but in reality all I could think about was some infamous temptress straddling Edward and making him moan the way I had last night. Fuck all that no claim bullshit.

Edward. Was. _Mine_.

"You know what Rosalie, you should head back home. I'm sure Esme's flipping shit that you left in the middle of the day when you guy's have visitors," I said.

"Oh she doesn't…,"

"Get out, Rosalie."

She laughed, smiling at me knowingly before leaving my room and then the inn. I took a moment to calm myself enough to be productive and then jumped in the shower. I rooted through the clothes that Alice packed for me and dressed in a pair of black leggings and a soft red sweater dress with a loose bodice and tapered hem. I curled my hair and made sure I was looking as sexy as I dared before leaving the inn and running toward the Cullen mansion.

_**Edward**_

My night with Bella was simply fantastic. To be perfectly honest, I had hoped that something would happen between us when I decided to visit her. I just hadn't imagined that it would come close to what actually did.

I was extremely happy that Bella liked the song I'd composed for her. I'd been nervous about it for a while and it was really good to finally know what she thought of it. When she told me about her human past with her father, all my feelings of joy left after being replaced by rage, hate, and disgust. How could he treat Bella that way? How could a father treat his child that way? I could understand him being pained by the loss of his wife but that did not excuse the way he handled his grief. Any person in their right mind would know that it was not the baby's intent to bring their mother death during their birth.

I felt horrible hearing what lengths Bella had gone to in order to gain just a fraction of love or affection from her father, a person who was supposed to love her unconditionally. The more I heard of Bella's past, the more I could understand the person she's turned out to be, and the more I wanted to help her. I'd wanted to say something to comfort her or assure her that her father was an evil man and nothing was her fault. I had a hard time finding what words to say and before I could come up with anything, Bella was kissing me. From that moment I was consumed by her passion and it kindled my own. We'd spent the rest of the night rolling around in bed and I couldn't bring myself to regret that. Especially since we'd made plans to actually talk later on tonight.

When I got home, I decided to forgo the front door and scale the house so that I could enter through my bedroom window. I knew that everyone was congregated in the living room and I wasn't ready to deal with Tanya. I wanted to daydream about Bella a little more. I took my time showering and dressing. I hadn't wanted to remove the sweet scent of Bella from my body but it had to be done if I didn't want everyone badgering me the entire day.

When I finally went down to the living room, Rosalie was walking in the door and eyeing my with a knowing smirk.

"_I just had quite an interesting conversation with Bella," _she thought. _"I think congratulations are in order."_

I snorted a laugh and flipped her the bird. She giggled and went to join Emmett on the couch.

"You left so fast last night, Edward. Where'd you go?" Tanya asked.

"To visit a friend," I replied vaguely.

"Oh," she said throwing a glance at her sister Irina. I could tell from her thoughts that Tanya figured I'd gone to see a girl. She feared that she might be finally on the verge of losing the battle of my attention after forty years. I liked Tanya as a friend. She was smart, witty, and had a great sense of humor. The problem was that she liked me in a totally different way and refused to grasp the fact that her feelings would never be reciprocated by me.

As I went to sit at my piano, a seat farthest away from Tanya, Alice began to have a vision. I focused on her mind as she saw Bella wrapping her arms around me and kissing me soundly on the lips in the middle of the living room for all to see. I perked up instantly and glanced at Alice who was looking at me with her brow quirked. I shrugged my shoulders feigning nonchalance.

"Carlisle told me you're quite the musician Edward," Irina's mate Laurent said. He seemed like a nice guy and was so clearly head over heels for his newly found mate. His eyes were a strange orange color since he was in the middle of converting to our vegetarian lifestyle.

"Oh yes," Rosalie nodded. "Edward pens songs that have the power to charm the pants right off of you!"

I wanted to glare at her but it turned out to be more of a smile.

"Okay," Laurent replied in a puzzled tone.

"Play something for us, Edward," Tanya exclaimed. "You know how I love to hear your music."

"You're not the only one," Rose added.

I opened my mouth to respond to her petty innuendos but stopped when I heard Bella's approach. I forgot all about Rose and was about to go and open the door for Bella when Alice was assaulted by another vision that made her gasp in fear and me stop in my tracks.

The vision that unfolded in her mind was one of pure chaos. A blood bath was about to ensue leading to the destruction of half the people in this room. The vision was extensive and showed the resulting heartbreak of members of my family and the Denali clan. Bonds would be broken, friendship shattered, and families torn. Dread like none I'd ever felt consumed me as watched images of what was to come.

Bella was the source of it.

She was coming _fast_.

And I had exactly one eighth of a second to stop her.


	19. Chapter 19

_**Edward**_

Bella burst through the door, taking it off the hinges as she did so. Alice and I leapt into action at the exact same moment. The boom of our three way collision shook the windows of the house. Bella growled fiercely as she tried to plough forward past us. Alice was at her front, taking on the brunt of Bella's charge as I held her from behind, trying to pull her back. The rest of my family came to our aid even though they had no idea what was going on. The Denali's moved as far away from Bella as they could, all taking on defensive stances, instantly realizing Bella's intent was to attack them.

Bella thrashed against our hold on her as she growled, shrieked and screamed at the top of her lungs. I felt like I was getting a glimpse of war time Bella and she was absolutely frightening, rabid and viscous like an animal. Everything was happening so fast and the second we'd thought we had a hold on her my family started one by one letting her go. Emmett fell away first, too weak to even hold his body up, Carlisle let her go in confusion, wondering if restraining Bella was the right thing to do, Esme dropped to her knees sobbing and crying hysterically. Rosalie broke away and began to attack Jasper, angry at him for trying to harm Bella.

I instantly realized that Bella was manipulating all of them to her advantage but I didn't have time to focus on that. Alice and I would have to restrain Bella on our own. She was ruthless and fought against us with all she had. Alice and I were both at a disadvantage. We were too dependent on our gifts to aid us in battle and Bella had disabled that aspect of us, leaving us to go off pure instinct. I was faster than Bella which gave me an edge but Alice was struggling.

"Bella, baby, please stop! Look at me and tell me what's wrong!" I yelled trying to use the same tactic as last time to calm her. I knew that this anger was entirely different and my yelling would probably not work but I still had to try. The lives of my family were on the line.

I didn't want to hurt Bella but trying to restrain her without hitting her was simply not working. Every time I thought I had a hold on her she would break free and push me away. It seemed like she was trying not to hurt Alice as well but neither of us were getting anywhere.

Eleazar, after five seconds that felt like two lifetimes, decided to help me and Alice. He had been part of the Volturi many years ago and was an excellent fighter. As he joined the fight it became harder for Bella to fend us off. His mate Carmen however had been rendered useless. Even though her mate was engaged in a fight with a seemingly wild vampire she saw no reason to react.

Kate followed Eleazar's lead and joined in to help us as well. She tried to shock Bella into submission but of course it didn't work. Tanya was too afraid to mess up her hair or clothes to fight. The idea of ending up with a scar like Bella's also played a huge role in her decision to sit out. Irina was not willing to risk her neck to help us. She inched toward the door so that it would be easy to get away should we fail to keep Bella back.

It took another minute or so but the four of us finally pinned Bella to the wall. She didn't stop thrashing and growling but we held her tight. I opened my mouth to say something but the lethal look in her eyes stopped me. She was staring at Irina's mate with a terrifying smile on her face. He was cowering in a corner trembling in fear, flinching and whimpering with every jerk and growl that came from Bella. She appeared to be satisfied by his apparent terror.

"Please Isabella. Please! I'm so very sorr…," he began but fell silent as she cut him off with a roar.

"Don't you dare, you piece of shit!" she spat. He whimpered again and tried to push himself further into the corner. As Bella yelled at him, Rosalie realized that it was Laurent that was offending Bella and tried to leap at him but Jasper pinned her to the floor.

"Victoria was insane. If I didn't…," Laurent tried again but Bella burst into maniacal laughter.

"Is that who you're worried about now? Is it still Victoria that you fear? Tell me Laurent is it her that is only five feet from you just salivating to end you?" she asked.

"Isabella please! You know very well that I am…,"

"A fucking coward!" she finished for him.

I didn't understand what was going on. I grabbed Bella's face and tried to get her to look at me but she wrenched away from me in a move that would have surely snapped her neck had she been human.

"Don't you touch me, Edward Cullen!" she seethed.

"Please Bella I'm just trying to help you. Tell me what's going on. How do you know him," I begged but I'd already lost her attention. She was trying to free her arms from Kate and Eleazar again.

"Keep her away from me!" Laurent sobbed like a baby, making Bella giggle wickedly, enjoying his fear. He hugged his knees to his chest as his eyes flitted around the room frantically. Irina began inching along the wall trying to get near him.

"Baby let's get out of here. Give me your hand and we'll leave," Irina said.

He stood slowly, unsure of what to do. His eyes were locked on Bella and his body still trembled.

"I won't rest Laurent. Not ever. I'll track you to the ends of the earth and back if I have to. I will find you again and when I do I will kill you slowly. I'll peel you apart, skin from flesh and flesh from bone. I will shred your body into miniscule little pieces and then wait for it to reconstruct just so that I can rip you apart again. You will die a thousand deaths before I reduce you to ashes," she told him annunciating very word slowly in a deadly tone that left no room for doubt. It was painfully clear that she meant every word she uttered.

"Isabella you know how she was about James! It was all her idea! I'm so sorry for what I did. I wouldn't have done it if I had another choice. She and James both paid with their lives for what she did but Lucas spared me! Why can't you do the same," he said dropping to his knees at her feet.

"You were not Lucas's to spare. Your offence was against me and I will punish how I see fit! Your damned by your weakness but I will put you out of your misery soon Laurent. Don't you doubt that for a second. I don't leave scores unsettled. You. Will. Pay," she said.

"I won't let you touch a hair on his head you crazy bitch!" Irina yelled.

"Then you will die as well!" Bella snapped.

Irina shrank back toward the door pulling Laurent with her. They fled the house running as fast as they could as Tanya followed closely behind. When their foot falls were no longer audible Bella's whole body sagged as she groaned as if in pain.

"Let me go," she whispered.

"Set the others right first," Eleazar demanded in a firm but non-threatening tone.

Instantly Esme stopped crying, Carlisle regained his wits, Emmett stood, Rosalie calmed, and Carmen's face filled with worry.

"What the hell just happened?" she asked looking around the room in confusion.

"Bella has a very special gift. It is too much to explain at the moment. We should leave now and catch up with our family," Eleazar said stepping away from Bella and taking Carmen's hand. They glanced around the room and offered us all a stiff nod before running away with Kate. Alice and I stayed where we were. I was scared that Bella still might try to go after Laurent and Alice's vision would be fulfilled.

"Get your hands off of me," Bella whispered. I glanced at Alice and she looked just as unsure as I did. Carlisle however spoke up.

"Do as she wishes," he said and we immediately obeyed. I stayed tensed just in case she decided to act suddenly. Once she was free though all she did was cover her face with her hands. We all stood quietly and stock still waiting for her next move. None of us knew what to say or do. Everyone was curious but too afraid to speak. I wanted to comfort her because she was obviously in distress but I didn't know if that would be welcomed.

Without a word, Bella removed her hands from her face and turned to leave. Panic welled up inside me and I moved to grab her hand. She heard my small movement and her body tensed making me halt.

"Edward leave her be," Jasper said in a soothing tone that matched the calm he was trying to spread throughout the house.

"But…," I began but he cut me off with a sharp glare.

"_Did you not just see her just now? Now is not the time to push her. She is furious, scared, confused, distrusting, and she feels extremely betrayed. I don't know if she's going to go after Laurent right now or not but she's unstable and there's no way in hell she'll see reason right now," _Jasper's thought informed me.

I didn't doubt that he knew what he was talking about. I just couldn't bear to let Bella walk out the door and not know if she would return.

"Will you come back?" I asked fearing her answer.

Her response was a disdainful scoff. She continued out the door without a backward glance for any of us. It was minutes before anyone moved or said anything. We were all a bit dazed and confused.

"What the hell just happened?" Emmett asked finally voicing the question that was on everybody's mind.

"Bella," Rosalie snorted a humorless laugh. "Bella just happened."

I paced the kitchen at a furious pace as Alice recounted the vision that she'd had right before Bella had burst through the door. They were all as horrified as Alice and I had been when we'd first seen it. I was only half paying attention to them though because now that the first crisis had been averted I felt that another was rapidly approaching.

I'd called Bella's cell phone over and over only to receive the same message saying that she was not receiving calls at the moment. I'd called the inn begging them to patch me through to her room and they would but Bella would not answer. Eventually the man at the desk told me that Bella had told him that he would be sorry if he sent another call to her room and begged me to just stop calling. Bella was stubborn and the man at the desk was terrified. There was no way I was going to talk to Bella before she was ready for me to so I put my phone down and started pacing.

We'd made quite a mess in the house in our attempt to restrain Bella and after cleaning and the repairing of what we could, the family sat down to talk. I was more or less a part of the conversation from the kitchen but really I was just focusing on Alice's thoughts. She, like everyone else, was worried about Bella and kept searching for her future. I was grateful that she was trying to see what could be happening but she was seeing so many different things I didn't know which would happen and which wouldn't.

So far I'd seen three different visions of Bella's death, three different visions of Bella snuffing out the entire Denali coven, a vision of Bella kicking my ass, a vision of Rosalie kicking my ass, a vision of me holed up in some filthy attic type place, that vision of Bella rotting at the bottom of an ocean, and one of Bella crying in my arms. None of these inspired much hope inside me but I didn't know what to do or if I should do anything.

I ran both my hands through my hair before growling loudly just to get rid of some of the emotion inside me. My family noted my outburst but otherwise didn't acknowledge it. They all seemed to understand my behavior. My pacing had gone on for hours until something Rosalie said stopped me in my tracks.

"A while ago Bella and I went to Port Angeles and she was telling me about a coven she traveled with for a while. One of the guys in the coven was named Laurent. She refused to tell me exactly what happened but I think they must have hurt her in some way. She said that the leader of the coven's mate was a crazy bitch. Her named was Victoria and she thought that Bella was trying to steal her mate, James. Bella said that she never slept with James but Victoria believed that she had and I quote 'retaliated accordingly'," Rose said.

"Well what the fuck does that mean?" I asked storming back into the living room.

"That's exactly what I said," she shrugged. "Bella never said anything else about it."

My mind raced with possibilities of what Laurent and that other coven could have done to Bella. I thought about all the time that I'd fantasized about killing every single person that had ever hurt her. I had one of them in my house and I'd not only let him go but held Bella back from seeking her revenge on him. I felt like a total dick.

"You know when she was talking to Laurent I did hear them mention something about a James and Victoria. Laurent said that Lucas had killed Victoria but spared him," Carlisle added.

"I need to go and talk to her!" I exclaimed in agony.

"I told you she needed time to cool down," Jasper reminded me.

I rolled my eyes and started toward the door. I didn't really care to hear what he said on the matter. Out of everyone in this room he probably knew the least about Bella.

"Edward!" Alice called and I glanced over my shoulder at her as she replayed a couple of visions for me; Bella crying in my arms, Bella kicking my ass, and one of me chasing Bella. They were meant to discourage me from going to Bella and they worked for a few seconds before I re-encouraged myself with a little positive thinking. Bella crying in my arms was not that big of a deal plus it would mean that she was looking to me for comfort. Bella had kicked my ass before. I survived it the first time and I could survive it again. I didn't have a problem with chasing Bella either. I was faster than her and sooner or later I would catch her and that's all that mattered.

"I'll deal," I said shrugging nonchalantly before leaving the house. As I strode to my Volvo, I heard Carlisle's thoughts reaching out to me.

"_Handle with caution, Edward. She's a ticking time bomb and it would not bode well to have her explode when she's in an inn filled with humans."_

"Thanks Carlisle," I said before sliding into the driver's seat.

Unlike everyone else's advice, I was willing to accept his . The only thing predictable about Bella was her unpredictability. If she got too upset there was no telling what she might do or what the consequences would be. I drove to the inn slower than I'd ever driven in my entire existence. I kept thinking of different scenarios I might run into with Bella including the ones featured in Alice's visions and how I would handle them. When I arrived, I took it as a somewhat positive sign that I couldn't read anyone's mind. It meant that Bella was either here or within 25 miles of here. I walked up to the front desk and saw the guy who had directed me to Bella's room the night before. I was about to smile but then I saw the wary expression on his face.

"You're the one that kept calling for Ms. Swan, correct?" he asked in a shaky voice.

"That depends on what it means for me going to see her," I replied.

"She didn't instruct me on what do about visitors but, sir, please don't ask me to allow you up. Quite honestly, Ms. Swan scares the piss out of me and I have sense enough to know that she would not be pleased to see you here," he replied.

I sighed and glanced at his name tag before speaking. "Max, I'm not trying to get you into trouble or anything but I can assure you that Bella is not nearly as scary as she looks," I lied.

In truth, Bella was a lot scarier than she looked. Bella was probably in her room at this very second trying to decide how she would murder Max should he let me up. However it seemed he was not about to do that. I probably would have had a better idea of how to persuade him had I been able to read his thoughts but I wasn't. Human's instinct automatically told them to fear us. They knew something was off about us, dangerous. Max seemed to be more fearful of Bella though, and rightly so I would say. I would not harm him no matter what he said or did but that was not true for Bella.

"I doubt that very much," he said shaking his head. "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave," he said firmly.

I couldn't blame him for not letting me up but I was irritated with the situation as a whole. I left the inn but not the premises. I walked around the building, going to the side where I knew Bella's suite was. Luckily, it was on the first floor and I wouldn't have to risk detection by scaling the wall to get in her window. I couldn't hear her inside but I could hear her music. She was listening to Sleep by My Chemical Romance and while the song was not at all cheery another wave of hope hit me as I realized she knew that I was here and hadn't fled. I went to the window that opened to the living area of the suite and opened it, popping the lock and damaging the window in the process.

I hurriedly climbed in and began moving to the bedroom. I took a calming deep breath before opening the door and going inside. I didn't see her at first but after a more careful glance around the room I spotted her. She was mostly hidden as she sat in the corner behind the nightstand and the wall. Her knees were pulled to her chest and her head was ducked into her arms that she had crossed atop her knees. She was absolutely still and silent. Seeing her so small and balled up like that gave me pause. I wasn't so sure what to do before I came here but now I was just utterly lost. She looked sad but I could feel the tension her presence added to room. She seemed to be both the calm and the upcoming storm it warned. I stood quietly in the doorway just watching her for I don't know how long before taking a very slow step into the room. She didn't react in anyway.

"Bella," I called only to receive no response again. After I was sure she wasn't going to do anything I walked into the room and settled in the arm chair in the corner across from the one Bella was nestled in. I made myself comfortable because being in the room gave me a tiny bit of peace. We weren't communicating but just knowing where she was and that she was safe was good enough for me. Jasper had said that I needed to give her time to cool off and I would do that here. Bella could stay unresponsive in that corner for another 36 years if she wanted but I was prepared to sit right here and wait her out.


	20. Chapter 20

_**SM owns.**_

**_Huge Thanks to Mommakat!_**

* * *

_**Edward**_

Waiting Bella out was taking more effort than I thought it would. I couldn't believe that she'd actually sat this still for decades. After just three hours I was going insane. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if I weren't actually waiting for something. I wanted to talk to Bella, touch her, comfort her, apologize, and just be with her the way we usually were together. It was clear that, that wasn't happening any time soon though. Our sitting still, not talking, looking at each other, breathing, or doing anything at all wasn't as awkward as one might think it would be. It was however aggravating as hell. Couldn't she just look at me and did we absolutely have to listen to the wretched My Chemical Romance song! It was depressing as hell and it wasn't helping me stay positive and hopeful like I had been earlier. She had it on repeat and didn't show any signs of changing that or doing anything at all.

I thought back to the last time we had been alone in this room together and if you told me then that things would be like this I would have called you a liar. Bella had been so open, sexy, passionate, and alluring. Her kisses were slow one second and hungry the next. She had made the most erotic yet sweet noises ever known to man and it made me feel good knowing that I was the one eliciting them from her. It had been the happiest time of my existence and now here we were just hours later, distant and depressed. It just wasn't fair.

A total of 27 hours, 58 minutes, and 37 seconds passed before Bella finally spoke. Want to know how I knew that it was exactly that long? Well because there nothing else to do but count the seconds.

"Please go away, Edward," she whispered in a voice so low that I wasn't even entirely sure that she'd actually said it.

"Not until I get a chance to talk to you," I replied.

Of course she stopped talking after that again. Another 13 hours 2 minutes, and 40 seconds passed before she said anything else.

"I'm sure that Jasper warned you not to come here. I know because the anger I feel is something to warn people about. You being here is not making it any better. I just want to be alone," she said and I could hear the effort it took to keep her voice calm.

"I can't leave you, Bella. When you left Bella, Alice had all these visions and I'm scared that if I leave here, you might try to do something and end up killed," I told her.

And that's what broke her stillness. She was up in the blink of an eye and in my face leaning into the chair with her hands on the arm rests.

"You think I give a shit about being killed! You think I want to stay on this earth where I was hurt that instant I was born and haven't stopped being hurt yet? When I can leave this place and finally be sent to hell, it'll be the greatest fucking moment of my all one hundred and forty-eight years," she seethed.

"You're mad. You don't mean that," I said standing up and forcing her back.

"You're damn right I'm mad! I'm mad at you! Why the fuck did you do that! He was right there! He didn't mean a thing to you and you held me back! Why?" she yelled.

"No he didn't mean anything to me but before you got there Alice had a vision. If you would have attacked Laurent, his mate would have jumped in to protect him and then I have would have jumped in to help you and that would have just led to a huge fight that would have killed Laurent, Irina, Carmen, Tanya, Esme, Rosalie, and Carlisle. Jasper wouldn't have been able to handle all the grief that surrounded the remaining members of the family and he and Alice would have left. Emmett would have gone insane with grief and tried to attack. I would have tried to stop him and he would have called me a traitor and left too. You and I would have left to join the Volturi but I would have been different and never completely happy again and you wouldn't have either," I told her.

This seemed to stump her. She glared at me for a long time before finally turning away with a growl. She fisted both her hands in her hair and moved to go back to her corner but I wouldn't let her. I grabbed the back of her shirt and pulled her back to me. I turned her so that she was facing me and pried her hands away before she tore her own hair out.

"Tell me what happened Bella. How do you know that guy?" I asked.

"Does it matter?" she snapped pulling away from me.

"Of course it matters, Bella. I want to know what he did to you. Rosalie told us things that you hinted at about him and a woman named Victoria. It didn't make sense but we gathered that they'd hurt you," I replied. "If the circumstances had been different, if Alice's vision didn't show such tragedy and I'd known he had wronged you in some way, I would have never held you back."

"I'm done talking about this, Edward. I don't care anymore," she said

"Damn lie," I retorted and I watched as her fists balled at her sides. Her eyes closed and she wasn't breathing. I kept my eyes on her warily, wondering was this when she would kick my ass. We both stood still for what seemed like forever in real time but was actually more like half a minute.

"We ran into James and his coven over in Austria. It had been years since the Volturi eliminated our army but they were still combing through the south trying to make sure things were settled. We decided to flee the country entirely until we got word that the Volturi had returned to Italy. While we'd been wandering around there we'd caught the scent of vampires and Lucas wanted us to leave again. Find an area where we'd be completely free of any threats from our kind.

"Bree and I fought him on it though. We both really liked Austria and wanted to stay for a little while. We all argued about it for a long time but once it became clear that Bree and I were not going to budge, Lucas got pissed and stormed off. I ran after him trying to calm him and assure him that everything would be fine. When I finally caught up to Lucas it took me a longer time to get him calm again. He always hated it when I sided against him. I'd left Bree on the steps of a library and she promised to stay there until I returned with Lucas. When we got back there though, she was gone. I could feel her about ten miles away though and she was with four other vampires. Lucas and I quickly devised a plan just in case a fight would be involved, and went to go get her.

"When we reached Bree she was perfectly fine. I could see that there was something different about her there. A light in her eyes that I'd never seen before. She kept shooting smiles at one of the vampires in the other coven and he kept eyeing her. I realized they liked each other quickly but I was still surprised when she suggested traveling with them for a while. I'd been willing to stay in Austria but staying with these vampires was something else entirely.

"The leader James was a gifted tracker, his mate Victoria was insane as human and during her change that only intensified forming some sort gift for her as well. I couldn't manipulate her. It was weird and just being around her put me on edge. Riley was Victoria's brother. She loved him dearly and after James changed her, she went after her family and killed them except Riley who she changed. He and Victoria had a strange relationship. My guess was that he was slightly disturbed as a human as well. He was gifted with stubbornness and single-mindedness. The last member of the coven, Laurent, was the weakest link. He was paranoid and cautious.

"They were all older than us and that made me even more uneasy. We were trained fighters but the older a vampire is the stronger it becomes in terms of skill and self-preservation. I expressed my feelings to Bree, hoping to convince her staying with them was not a good idea. She wouldn't hear of it though. She told me that if I wanted to leave with Lucas then I could but she wanted to stay with Riley. That was the first day my jealously kicked in. I mean we'd been together for over a decade and as soon as she met this guy she was ready to throw me away! I couldn't believe it. I was so hurt and confused.

"I complained to Lucas and told him that I didn't want to stay but I didn't want to leave Bree either. He told me that we would stay in the area but we would keep our distance from them. Lucas didn't trust them either but Lucas didn't really trust anyone. He made me promise never to go near that coven unless he was with me, never to tell them about my gift, and to make sure I never went into too much detail when talking about myself. He said making ourselves mysterious would make them uneasy about us as well. I agreed and tried my best to follow his orders.

"Lucas had been wrong though. The more vague Lucas was about me, the closer James tried to get. James was really nice to me. He complimented me all the time and made me laugh. We got pretty close to the displeasure of both Victoria and Lucas. Victoria didn't like me and Lucas always seemed to be on the verge of ripping James to shreds. We both tried to ignore it. James was a good friend to me and I thought we were on the same page with that. After a while though he started touching me more often and I wasn't too comfortable with that. I told Lucas and he tried to keep closer tabs on me but I liked my space and ventured off on my own a lot.

"One day I was in one of the market areas of a city in Austria. I needed to hunt and I was looking for someone particularly sweet smelling to feed on. I was so focused on finding my prey that I didn't even realize Riley was nearby. Once I'd found a young man I wanted, I led him away from the busy market street. I was just about to bite when Riley grabbed me. I immediately began to fight him. I didn't know what or why he was doing what he was but he was attacking and my instinct was to defend myself. Victoria and Laurent joined the fight and I tried to manipulate Laurent's paranoia to inhibit his fighting but it just made him fight harder. I guess Victoria threatened to kill him if he didn't aid her.

"I put up a good fight for a long time before they got the better of me. They held me down and Victoria told me how much she loved James. How they did everything together. How they shared everything. She told me that if I was fucking him I would have to be with her too…," she said before trailing off. "Victoria let me go so that she could start to undress herself and then me. I instantly moved to fight Riley and Laurent off me but they already had a hold on me and ripped my arms off to stop me. Riley held me down by my neck while Laurent held my thighs. They left me in an alley once Victoria was done and I just laid there.

"I was so pissed but my body just felt heavy. I was just tired and I would have stayed there had Lucas not found me later on that night. I told him what happened and he was pissed too. He told me that I should have never gotten close to James. That I should have listened to him and kept my distance. I apologized but he didn't care to hear it. He told me that we were leaving and he was prepared to drag me if I refused. I did want to leave after that but I didn't want to leave Bree. I went to find and convince her to come with us again. She was with Riley at the time but Lucas was with me so I wasn't afraid of what Riley might do. I knew that if he tried anything Lucas would stop him. I told her what he and the others had done to me hoping that would convince her. She looked at Riley with rage, betrayal, and guilt on her face.

"I thought she was guilty for making us stay. I thought that she was thinking that if we had left when I told her how uneasy they made me none of this would have happened. I couldn't help feeling a bit smug. She had been so consumed with him, her mate. I was glad to see what I thought was the end of their sickeningly happy mated relationship. I told her that I forgave her but we needed to leave right away. Bree still refused to leave him. After what he'd done to me, she still wanted to stay with him. I was irate. I couldn't believe that she could stay with a man who had hurt me like that. I ran away not knowing what else to do.

"Up until that point, Bree had been the only person who had never hurt me. I can't even explain how awful I felt. I hated her for choosing him over me but I loved her for all she'd done for me in the past. I was so confused and I didn't know what to think, what to do, or how to feel. I just kept running until I finally holed up in a cave somewhere. Lucas found me and tried to comfort me and tell me what he'd found out. He had talked to Laurent and bullied him into talking.

"Laurent told Lucas that James had made Riley pump Bree for information. James knew how much Bree had trusted Riley and would tell him anything. Riley had been asking Bree about me and she would tell him whatever he wanted to know. Riley would then take that information to James. She had told James all about my gift, our past in the southern wars, about how I was stupid and desperate for men's attention. She told them about how I would sleep with the strongest fighter after every battle and how they would rip my limbs away to keep me from fighting them when I didn't want to have sex sometimes.

"James had used this information and that's why he was always so nice to me. He'd never known a gift like mine and wanted me for himself. He wanted me to leave Lucas and join his coven. He was so nice to me because he wanted to butter me up before he propositioned me. Victoria had gotten jealous of all the attention James gave me. She was afraid that I was becoming more important to him than her. She complained to Riley and then he told her about all he knew about me too. That's how they formed the plan to hold me down and take my arms so that she could have her way with me. Lucas told me that this was all Bree's fault. That she betrayed me and needed to pay. That's when we concocted the plan to get our revenge and kill Riley to hurt Bree."

During the telling of her story, Bella had somehow retreated back into her corner. This time she was facing the wall so that all I could see was her back. I was partially grateful for that because I was sure that the expression on my face was not pretty at all. There were no words to describe my fury. I couldn't believe that Bella had suffered through all of this. Every single person she had ever met meant her harm. I now completely understood her distrustfulness. After all her experiences, I could see how it was impossible for her to feel safe around anyone. I sank down on the floor to my knees and pressed my balled fists into my eyes to try and stop the sobs that threatened to erupt from inside of me. The feelings of rage and sadness that filled and consumed me were unbearable and I felt as though I would crumble under their pressure.

I thought back to the story Bella told me about Bree's death and how Lucas had tricked her. She'd told me that she was too confused to do anything. She didn't know whether to help Bree or not and that all made perfect sense now. I wasn't even sure what I would have done in her place. It seemed that Bree hadn't intentionally meant for them to attack Bella but she had revealed information about Bella that she had no right to. Bree had then added insult to injury by still siding with Riley. He was Bree's mate and there is very little that one could not forgive their mate but the pain Bella must have felt would have been crippling. It was an impossible situation and the right solution to it would have been very hard to distinguish. There were too many parties involved, too much manipulation, too many lies, and too many different circumstances.

"As I ran from the fight between Lucas and Bree, I came across Riley. He was alone and I couldn't pass up the opportunity. In my eyes this was all his fault. He had gotten the information out of Bree and told everyone. He had taken her away from me and made her forget all we'd been through together. Even though Lucas had lied to me and tried to kill Bree instead of Riley, I still wanted my revenge against him for what he did with his sister and Laurent. He knew that something was wrong when he saw me by myself. He knew that Bree had left with me and asked me what I'd done to her. I told him nothing would have happened to her if he hadn't used her. He told me that he loved his sister and his coven and he would do anything for them and that if I would have just cooperated, I could have been a part of it.

"That was all I needed to hear. He was sick and twisted just like Victoria. He needed to be destroyed and that's exactly what I did. After he had been burned to ash, I just ran. I left Austria entirely. I just needed to get away," Bella said. "There was too much going on in my head. I couldn't think straight. I was too angry, too hurt."

I opened my mouth because I wanted to give her words of comfort or understanding but closed it because there was nothing to say. There was nothing I could say to make her feel better about any of this. I was in over my head again and was just at a loss for what to do. The silence between Bella and I stretched on before she began speaking again.

"I've had sex with women before and I've had sex with men who were too rough, held me down, and tore my body apart. It was different with Victoria though. Before, those were all things that I did to please Lucas. I didn't like doing it but I had agreed to anyway. All those people had my permission. I was a willing participant. If Lucas wanted to see me with another woman, no problem. If he wanted me to use my body to strengthen our ranks, fine. I did not give permission to Victoria though. She forced herself on me. Cornered me in an alley and… _fucked me_ while her brother and coven member watched. What they did was so much more painful than any other time before because for the first time I actually felt… _violated_. It was repulsive and disgusting and I hated it, hated them, hated myself. I felt gross and dirty and just wrong…" she trailed off as a small sob escaped her.

The sound ripped my insides to shreds. My head fell forward and I struggled to keep my own emotions in check. I couldn't stop myself from groaning her name though. It seemed to be the only thing I was capable of saying at the time. I was too upset. I was even considering helping her track down and kill Laurent. The instant the thought crossed my mind though my cell began ringing in my pocket. I knew that it was Alice probably warning me against not acting out that line of thought. I simply ignored the call and proceeded to turn off my phone altogether.

"Alice?" Bella guessed.

"Yes. I was thinking of going to help you find Laurent. We can go if you still want to but we'll probably die," I told her. I was serious too. If I was feeling this out of my mind with anger then I couldn't even imagine what she must have felt. She deserved her revenge and if she wanted it that badly I would go risk my life to help her get it. She stayed silent for a long time and I assumed that she was mulling it over.

"You'd let me kill him?" she asked turning around to face me.

"Yes," I nodded. Even I could hear the devotion in my tone. I saw a flicker of surprise in her eyes as she registered my sincerity.

"Then I'll go alone. Your family needs you. I can fend off the rest of the Denali's long enough to kill Laurent at least," she told me, all the anguish she'd just been in was replaced with fiery excitement.

"No," I said standing as well. "I can't let you go alone. I want…need to help. We have a better chance at survival together. My family needs me and I need you. If you go, I'll follow," I told her.

The outrageousness of this whole thing was not lost on me. We were seriously going to kill another vampire who was currently part of a large family that would fight to protect him. There were six of them and two of us. I knew that Bella could incapacitate some of them but the odds were still against us. Not to mention these were vampires I'd known for decades and considered as family. I was starting to get a better understanding of how much I really cared for Bella. How much I loved her.

"I'm willing to die to settle this score but I am not willing to risk your life. This doesn't even have anything to do with you. Let me go alone, Edward. Please," she begged but her body shifted toward the window slightly. She was tensed and I instantly realized she was going to try and outrun me.

"I'm faster than you, Bella," I warned her.

"It's not always about the speed, baby," she replied with a cocky smirk and next thing I knew the nightstand that Bella had been cowering beside was hurling straight toward my face. I gasped in shock before catching it and tossing it aside. It wouldn't have hurt me of course but it had done exactly what Bella wanted it to. It gave her a head start. She fled out of the bedroom window and was already out of sight. I raced after her following her scent to the forest. About half a mile into the forest I started gaining on her. I moved my feet as fast as I could. I couldn't let her find a trace of Laurent's scent because that would just make her more determined to shake me.

When she was close enough that I could see her she began running in long zigzags. She seemed to be scattering her scent but that was an odd thing to do since I could see her. It only took me a second to realize what she was actually doing. The sound of cracking wood infiltrated the air just as trees began falling in my path. Bella had been pushing trees to create an obstacle course of debris in her wake. If I wasn't trying to stop her from going on a suicide mission her determination to get away from me would have been funny, but as it was the only thing I needed to concentrate on was catching up to her.

My first attempt was just to move faster and dodge the trees. It didn't take me long to realize that, that's exactly what she was banking on me doing. I changed tactics and took to the trees myself. I scaled the nearest tree going to the highest branch and ran forward so that the falling trees were out of my way. I was able to catch up to her more quickly and when I was right behind her I dropped down to the ground. I ran just a few more steps and finally decided I was in the perfect distance to tackle her down.

We fell to the ground and skidded a few feet before stopping. Bella thrashed in my arms trying to get away but my arms were locked around hers. I had a damn good grip on her and there was no way in hell she going to get away.

"Edward this is so silly! Just let me go!"

"Gladly," I said simply. "But I'm coming with you."

"No damn it!"

"Let me help you, Bella!"

"You just said that we could die! What sense does it make for you to come with me?"

"Because we're better off together! I'm not letting you do this alone. Sure you could incapacitate a few of them but you would still be out numbered. If I'm there I could hold off the others while you go for him," I said.

"That doesn't change the fact that you'd die too! I'm not going to have your death on my hands!"

"And I won't have yours on mine."

"Please go home, Edward," she pled.

"I'm going wherever you're going."

"You would die to help me?"

"Yes. We either do this together or not at all," I replied firmly.

She whimpered as her whole body sagged in my arms. "Not at all, then. His death isn't worth yours."


	21. Chapter 21

_**SM owns.**_

**_Thank you Mommakat! You're the best!_**

* * *

_**Edward**_

Bella and I went back to the inn and crawled into bed. I enveloped her in my arms. I kissed the top of her head as she nestled her face in the hollow of my neck. She hadn't spoken the entire run back and her silence bothered me. The look in her eyes was dead and it scared me. I wanted to know what she was thinking. I wanted to help her but I knew that I would just have to settle for holding her. She seemed to like that quite a bit anyway.

While Bella kept silent, she did not remain still. Every couple of minutes she would scoot closer to me. There was already no space between us and it didn't long before she began to be so close she was sort of under me. Our position became awkward and weird and eventually I had to break the silence in the room.

"Bella, sweetie, what are you doing?" I asked. She didn't respond and for a second I feared she never would. Fortunately that wasn't the case.

"I like feeling your weight," she whispered so low I strained to hear her. "It's comforting."

It was so very wrong of me, but I cracked a small smile. Bella was struggling with the decision she had made. I knew that she was still infuriated with everything and probably everyone including herself. I could see the dark emotions brew a treacherous storm in her eyes. This was not the time to be smiling at all but it made me happy to know that I could please and comfort her in any way. I composed my features quickly, tucking away the smile for a better time. I shifted slowly, aiming to give Bella what she wanted and maybe even needed. I moved on top of her as she spread her legs, raised her knees and placed her feet flat on the bed giving me a cradle to rest in. I laid with my head on her chest as she wrapped one arm around my shoulders and used the other hand to run her fingers through my hair. We both sighed in the pleasure this new position gave us.

The silence stretched on and the tension in the air and in Bella's body melted away throughout the night. By the time the sun began to light up the sky there were no traces left. She was relaxed and at ease. I finally felt okay to smile again.

"Is everyone upset with me?" Bella asked, pulling my hair so that my face turns up to where she can see it.

"No," I replied honestly. "They're just worried about you."

"They should be mad," she sighed.

I reached up to cup her face before kissing her chin. "No they shouldn't. They love you. They just want to know that you're okay. Rose and Esme especially," I told her.

She sighed again and shook her head releasing my hair from her fist. The loss of her hand makes me want to whimper in protest but I don't. There's no room for whimpering during these kinds of conversations.

"Believe me," I whispered sidling up so that my face was hovering over hers. She looked searchingly in my eyes in a way that made me feel exposed and more than just a little vulnerable. I want to know what she's thinking, what she's looking for, or why she's chosen this time to look for it. She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed my lips so sweetly. She pulled away and ran her fingertips down my face.

"I do," she said. "I believe you all the time. I trust you and I shouldn't. Everything I've been through warns me against it. I don't want to trust you but I can't seem to help myself," she admits. I don't know what I should say to something like that. All I knew was that my heart suddenly felt heavy in my chest. Actions spoke louder than words and nothing I could say would make her forget what all those she used to know had done. I resolved to stay silent and just try to prove with my own actions that I was different from the other vampires she knew. I wanted things to be easy for Bella. I didn't want her to be inhibited by a formidable past. I want so many things for her but they all seem so impossible to give.

Bella rolled us over so that she was on top of me and straddling my hips. She brought her mouth down to kiss me again. This was nothing like the sweet kiss from just a second ago. It was slow, deep, and passionate. Her hands cupped my face and made me feel as if I was something precious and treasured, as if I really meant something to her. The thought made impossible warmth spread through me. I redoubled the passion behind my own kiss as I wrapped my arms around her, clutching her to my chest. I loved the feel of her flush against me and just before I moved to roll us back over, my cell began to ring.

Bella and I both paused mid-roll and looked into each other's eyes trying to discern from each other's expression if I should pick up or not. I didn't want to answer but I was sure my family was worried about both me and Bella. It had been almost twenty-four hours since I'd left the house against their wishes to find Bella.

"Answer it," she whispered nodding toward the phone. I sighed and reached over to grab my phone from the nightstand but kept my other arm wrapped around her. I glanced at the ID screen and saw that it was actually Esme calling. I was expecting Alice.

"Hi, Mom," I greeted Esme.

"Oh Edward where are you? Are you with Bella? Is she angry with you? Is she angry with us? Are you okay?" she exclaimed shooting rapid fire questions at me. I couldn't help the small laugh that left me as Bella smirked and rolled her eyes.

"Everything's fine, Esme. We're at the inn and I'm not angry with anyone," she called making Esme gasp on the phone.

"I was so worried about the both of you! Carlisle told me to hold off on calling but I just couldn't! When will you come home?" Esme asked.

I looked at Bella because the choice was hers. I knew that I wouldn't be anywhere she wasn't. If she was going to stay at the inn, so would I. If she was going to roam around going no where in particular for a while, then so would I. She seemed to know this without my saying so and sighed heavily. Esme and I both waited with baited breath for some sort of response from Bella. It came almost a minute later.

"We're on our way now," she said.

"Great! See you soon," Esme replied and I could hear her smile even over the phone. She hung up and I tossed the phone aside before wrapping my other arm around Bella again.

"You should have told her that we'd be over later," I murmured ducking my face into the hollow of her neck.

"Alice booked this suite for one whole week and I plan to stay here for that long. I just need a little time by myself. You can come back tonight though or whenever you want," she told me.

I wasn't thrilled about her being away from me but I could definitely understand needing time alone. We stayed wrapped up in each other for another couple minutes before dragging ourselves out of bed. The drive back home started off quiet and easy. Bella took my hand and held it in her lap as soon as she sat down. The closer we got to the house though, her grasp became increasingly tighter. When it felt like my hand was about to be detached I finally had to ask what was wrong.

"Are you sure they aren't angry with me?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said bringing up our joined hands so that I could caress her face with the back of my index finger.

She sighed and nodded her head. Once we arrived, Bella and I walked in together still holding hands. There was a collective sigh of relief when everyone saw that we were indeed just fine. Esme rushed forward and embraced Bella in a tight but brief hug. When they broke apart Bella retreated back into my side.

"I'm sorry for the mess that I caused. I never meant for anyone of you to get hurt. I was just so….," she began but Rose cut her off.

"None of us were hurt Bella," Rose said. " And you definitely don't have to apologize. We'd just like to understand what happened."

Bella took a deep breath before responding, "I was on my way here and I picked up on the gifts of that other coven. Like I said no two vampires have the same exact gifts so when I felt Laurent's specific combination I knew it was him. I got so angry thinking about what had happened between us in the past that I literally saw red. I knew instantly that I wanted to kill him. When I came in and you all tried to stop me, I did what I had to do to get you all out of my way," she told us.

"Part of Carlisle's gift is his decisiveness. I took that away and made him completely confused. I made Emmett so weak he couldn't hold up his own body. I amped Esme's compassion to an unbearable level and then took away her optimism which made her severely depressed. Rosalie's gifts are her protectiveness and her loyalty. I took a chance and intensified both of those things in her. I was lucky with that though because she could have been feeling protective and loyal to someone else which would have made her work against me but that wasn't the case. And that's why she fought against you all to help me.

"Part of Laurent's gift is his paranoia and caution. I manipulated him in a way to make him sort of paralyzed in his fear. His mate has a selfish gift and I made her not want to risk her own life for anyone else. The other blonde in the coven had a lot of vanity which I used to make her not want to sully herself in a battle. The dark haired woman had a calm gift and I made her too tranquil to see any reason to react. I took away the gift of the blonde with the electric touch. The remaining male member of that other coven, Jasper, Alice, and Edward I couldn't really work to my advantage though," Bella said.

We all stared at her in shock. We all knew what she could do, we'd all experienced it in someway or another but I guess hearing the extent of how she could just completely disable us made it real. The thoughts of my family could be summed up as awed, incredulous, and just a little apprehensive. It took them a while but they had all processed and accepted what Bella had confessed.

"Well if you don't mind my asking, what exactly happened between you and Laurent? How do you know him?" Carlisle asked.

Bella's shoulders slumped and she dropped her head. She ran her hands through her hair and shook her head.

"I can't go through the story again. Edward can tell you everything. I'm sorry but I just…can't," she muttered. "I'll give him time to relay the story and then come back."

She moved toward the door and my chest clenched. I instantly took hold of her hand as my fear of her abandonment redoubled. Jasper tried to soothe me and it worked to a degree. I still couldn't let her hand go though. She offered me a smile and quick kiss on the lips.

"I'll be right back. I promise," she said.

"_She will Edward," _Alice said offering a vision of Bella and I at the inn together early tomorrow morning.

I reluctantly let her hand go and she was gone seconds later. I had both Alice and Bella's assurances but it didn't keep me from worrying. She could at any moment change her mind. What if she decided to go after Laurent again all by herself. She would die and then how would I go on? I couldn't imagine a future for myself that Bella was not in some way a part of.

"You have got it bad, my friend," Jasper chuckled.

"Shut up," I grumbled.

"Tell us what happened, Edward," Rosalie said. "Is it really awful?"

I nodded my head slowly before taking a seat on the couch on Alice's other side. She clasped my hand tightly in hers to give me support and encouragement. Everyone was eager yet fearful to hear what I was about to say. I felt a little odd telling them Bella's story but she had given me permission. My family had a right to know what caused yesterday's fiasco and Bella couldn't handle retelling the story a second time in such a short period. I took a few moments but eventually divulged everything I knew. When I was done the shocked expressions and thoughts came back. Everyone, like I had, were questioning whether stopping Bella from attacking him had been the right thing to do.

Esme began crying quietly and Carlisle pulled her into his lap to comfort her. Rosalie on the other hand was positively fuming.

"We had no right," she seethed. "We shouldn't have stopped her!"

I understood Rose's opinion and so did everyone else in the room. Carlisle, Esme, and I had all given Rose our permission to get her revenge on the men who had assaulted her. They were scum and didn't deserve to live. We had set her loose with all her newborn strength, bloodlust, and rage. She did what she thought was necessary and then we left the area. It only made sense that Rosalie would feel that the same courtesy was extended to Bella.

"You would have died, Rosalie. Bella would have got her revenge but in the end she still wouldn't have been happy. We made the… right… decision," Alice said but she didn't sound so sure herself.

"We did," I affirmed trying to make everyone feel better. "Bella said so herself," I told them.

"This is all so fucked up. She's been through more than any one person should be able to bear," Emmett sighed.

"She's strong," Jasper replied. "Probably stronger than all of us combined."

We all looked at each other in confusion. Ever since Bella had invoked the "Don't fuck with me and I won't fuck with you" code, Jasper never made any comments about Bella or acknowledged her in any way. We had all grown used to it and never thought anything about it whenever Bella was the topic of discussion and he stayed completely silent. Everyone was justifiably stunned by his statement, including Alice.

"What!" he exclaimed seeing and feeling our surprise.

"Nothing," Alice rushed to placate him. "You just usually never add anything to Bella conversations," she said rubbing his forearm.

"I know, but what I said…it's the truth," he said. "I don't know what I'd do if all of that had happened to me."

"You would probably decide to just give up and lie under a dock for 36 years," Bella said walking through the front door.

It is a rare thing to get the jump on one vampire. Another thing entirely and practically impossible to get the jump on seven, but somehow I'm not at all surprised that Bella was able to. Jasper ducked his head in embarrassment which also never ever happened. If Jasper did or said something it was because he had the balls and gall to stand behind it and not care who saw or heard.

"I'm sorry," he muttered.

"Don't be, Empath. I'm not offended," she replied.

I breathed a sigh of relief because I'm just so glad she's back even though Alice had already told me she would be. I gave her a quick once over and noticed that her clothes were soaking wet and her pants were a little muddy as well from running through the rain storm that started about twenty minutes away. I also noticed that her eyes were bright red. She had clearly used her time away to hunt.

"I'm going upstairs to shower and change. I told Edward that I'm going to stay at the inn for the rest of the week. I just need a little time and space," Bella told my family before going up the steps.

_**Bella**_

I let the hot water run down my body for I don't even know how long. It felt so good and relaxing that I eventually just sat under the spray. When I finally got out of the shower, I tied my wet hair up atop my head and dressed in a pair of jeans and one of Edward's long sleeve t-shirts. I knew that Alice would be a little miffed that I had but I hoped she would be appeased seeing that I was wearing a pair of skinny jeans she'd bought me.

Even if she isn't, I wouldn't care. I needed to feel the old comfort in the illusion that Edward was wrapped around me constantly. I hated to admit it but I succumbed to the fact that I wanted Edward more than I should, he wanted me more than he should, and no matter how hard we tried to fight what we felt, in the end we would lose.

I went back down to the living room and found the family lounging around as always. My eyes sought out Edward's face and found him exactly where I knew he would be. At the piano. He was already looking at me wearing a huge grin on his face. I knew it was because I was wearing his shirt. He had always been very vocal about missing seeing me in his clothing. I walked over and sat down on the bench beside him.

"_Play my song on the piano," _I requested.

He smiled slightly and launched into my song. As I sat and listened, it moved me just as much as the first time I heard it if not more. I loved hearing Edward play the guitar. He was better at it than he thought he was and I just found it down right sexy. I loved hearing the song he composed for me on the guitar. It was entrancing and magnificent on the guitar. But on the piano? The piano made it magical, beguiling, and haunting. The notes resonated more intensely and the dark notes were made infinitely darker. When he'd finished playing, I grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him down until our foreheads met. I looked into his eyes for only a short time. The music made me feel vulnerable enough. I didn't need the added effect of the pools of molten gold piercing straight through me. I closed my eyes and lowered the sound of voices in his head until it was just background noise so that he could focus on me.

"_You are great, Edward Cullen. Sometimes I feel really lucky to have met you. Please don't do anything to change that. I don't think I could handle another disappointment."_

Edward brought his hands up to cup each side of my face. I knew that he was waiting for me to look at him but I just couldn't. He realized that as soon as the thought crossed my mind.

"Let's go back to the inn, okay? I want to be alone with you," he whispered so that only I could hear him. I nodded my head and we rose from the piano bench and moved toward the door. Alice was already there waiting with a bag packed for Edward.

"You two have fun!" she smiled kissing Edward quickly on the cheek. She came over to me and opened her arms a little tentatively.

"Do…would it be okay for me to hug you?" she asked. I nodded my head feeling a little guilty that she felt the need to ask. Alice never asked before she did anything. Truthfully, I didn't want to hug. Seeing Laurent again and having all those bad memories resurface made me want to put my defensive walls back up. The only arms I wanted to be in were Edward's. He made me feel safe and warm. I forced myself to step into Alice's embrace anyway though. I wanted to seem stronger than I actually felt. Alice mercifully gave me a very quick hug and then gave me my space again. Edward and I bid the rest of his coven a good evening and then left.

He let me drive us back to the inn in the Volvo and before long we were back in my suite cuddled up on the couch in the living room watching some movie that Edward said he loved about a young genius from Boston who reminded me of… well me. He's so fucked up and aggressive and it doesn't take me long to realize that I too love this movie. I can identify with him, I understand his actions and what he's doing. In the end, there's an allusion to him having a happy ending and that unsettles me for some reason. I really want to see him happy but I don't. He may not end up happy at all. I stared at the screen until the credits ended and Edward turned off the TV. The room was completely dark but I could still see with perfect clarity in my peripheral. I could still feel Edward's chest against my back and his arms around my waist as I sat between his legs.

"Did you like it?" he asked after many moments of silence.

"…yes, I think so," I replied hearing the uncertainty in my own voice.

"You think so?" he asked with a slight laugh.

"It's just…well what actually happened? He seemed to get over his problems and all but was he happy? Was that even a possibility for him?"

He sighed and tapped my thigh repeatedly. He didn't say any words but I instinctively knew he wanted me to stand. I did and he turned me by the hips so that I was facing him before pulling me back down making me straddle his lap.

"About what you said back at the house, I would never intentionally disappoint you. I'd never hurt you or allow anyone else to hurt you. I really care about you, Bella. I…love you. I'm in love with you. I want to be here for you and help you and make you happy. I want a lot of things and all of them have something to do with you. I'm sorry if that scares you but it's the truth and I just need you to know it," Edward told me. "I don't know what actually happens with the guy in the movie but I do know that happiness is a possibility for him. It's a possibility for _everyone_."


	22. Chapter 22

_**SM owns.**_

**_Thanks Mommakat!_**

* * *

_**Bella**_

My first thought was just not to acknowledge it. I was just going to pretend he hadn't said anything to cause a huge fuss over. However the truth is that as soon as the words left his lips, I struggled to keep up with what he said afterward. The words just kept replaying in my head over and over again with increasing volume. Until Edward's voice was practically screaming in my head and threatening to give me a headache.

_I love you. I'm in love with you._

It didn't take me long to realize that there was no not acknowledging that Edward was in fucking love with me! That he loved me at all. That I was a person who people _could_ love. I didn't know what to do with that information. I didn't know how to process it or even accept it. I wanted to pull away from him and run far away from the inn where I didn't have to deal with these kinds of things. Everything would be a lot easier if I could have just lived on my own. Traveled the globe going where I wanted to when I wanted. I wouldn't have to deal with complex emotions and even simple emotions!

I couldn't run away though, not from Edward. He was important to me, special and cherished. He made me feel things that I couldn't explain or describe but felt so damn good. Edward had told me he wanted things with and for me. Well I did too, but I refused to let myself have them. I knew by doing that I was denying him as well but it was for the best. Everything around me crumbled and in time Edward would too. I had to keep him at a distance. I had to protect him and protect myself. It was oddly enough selfless and selfish, but more importantly it was right.

I look into his eyes knowing that a response to his words is necessary. I have nothing to say though. I can't tell him I love him back and thank you would be like a punch in the balls. I quickly realized that my response didn't have to be verbal at all and just like that I knew what to do. I leaned in slowly cupping his face in my hands and kissed his forehead, then both his eyelids, the tip of his nose, his cheeks, his chin, and when I finally get to his lips I kiss him slow yet passionately. I give him all the passion within me because if nothing else I am very passionate about Edward. His hands that were resting on my thighs made their way up until his arms were wrapped around my back. It didn't take long for things to get intense. We shifted on the couch until he was laying on top of me with his erection pressing into my hip.

His hands slowly slid up my thigh to my hips as I writhed against him. I was totally in the moment, wrapped in the pleasure of his hands roaming my body and his lips savoring mine. Then his fingertips grazed the skin of my waist underneath my shirt. My hands instantly clamped around his wrists. The reaction was so quick I don't even think I even made a conscious decision to do it. It was pure instinct as fear gripped me utterly and completely.

_**Edward**_

"Bella!" I exclaimed pulling back. Her hands were locked around my wrists quite painfully but that wasn't what was concerning me at the moment. Her eyes were big as saucers and staring into mine filled with a fear that literally made me shudder with chills. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and assure her that everything would be okay but she was holding me too tightly. I had to settle for verbal comfort.

"Bella, honey you're okay," I said trying and failing to keep the franticness out of my tone. I reared back on my heels between her legs and her suddenly rigid body rose as well since she was still clinging to me.

It makes me sick to realize that I've put that fear in her eyes. Of course it wasn't okay to try and touch her like that after a guy who played a part in her rape just left. I want to punch myself for thinking with the head in my pants and not the one on my shoulders. Hadn't I just promised not to hurt her? And look, just minutes later I've fucked up.

"I'm so sor…," I began but suddenly she placed her hand over my mouth.

"Do not apologize," she whispered.

"But I…," I tried but again she stopped me.

"Shut it, Cullen."

She wrapped her arms around my neck and straddled my lap before continuing the make-out session we had previously been engaged in. I wanted to talk about what the hell had just happened but it was clear in her actions and in her thoughts she did not. I gave her what she wanted and didn't bring it up but I couldn't get into the kissing like I had before. I was too worried about what was really going on in her head.

I was always willing to give Bella what she wanted but it was more important to give her what she needed. Those two things weren't always the same, and I had the feeling that continuing to kiss her was something that she more so just wanted. I let my lips travel down from her lips to her neck, back up to her jaw, and to her ear before giving her a final peck on her forehead. I clutched her tightly to my chest and rested back on the couch. It seemed more likely that she needed to just be held.

When Bella and I left the inn, she gave Max a huge tip and thanked him profusely for the excellent service. It was the only way she knew how to make up for scaring him. The gesture made me smile. She was becoming a true Cullen. Whenever there is a problem or guilt, we fix it by throwing money at it. She would have made Alice very proud.

I drove back to the house slowly knowing that as soon as I arrived I would have to start getting ready for school. I'd missed practically the whole week so that I could stay at the inn with Bella. Esme had called the school to let them know that I had come down with the flu. Bella had found that morbidly funny since the last time I'd come down with the flu I very nearly died and became a vampire.

"Maybe you'll get lucky and someone will come and turn you into a human this time," she had said through her infectious giggle. I couldn't help but to roll my eyes and laugh with her. Hearing her laugh was such a joyous experience that it filled me with an all consuming happiness.

Bella lounged across my bed as I rushed around my room to get ready for school. I was irrationally in a pissy mood. After being spoiled with unlimited time with Bella, I wasn't too please about being away from her. I tried to keep my irritation under wraps but of course Bella saw it.

"_Calm down, Mind reader," _she thought. _"Just a few short hours and I'll be happy to lie in your arms again."_

I smirked and leaned over to kiss her forehead. She grabbed my shoulders and pushed down until my lips were right above hers. She lifted her head and kissed me fiercely and deeply as she wrapped her arms around my neck. Too soon after, she was pushing me away.

"You're late," she smiled.

"I'm never late," I replied with a smirk that even I knew was cocky.

"You sure about that?" she asked using her finger on my jaw to turn my face toward the clock on my nightstand. It was 8:15. Fuck!

"So easily you are distracted Mr. Cullen. Your siblings called for you three times but you seemed to be too preoccupied to notice. They've already left," she said haughtily.

I attempted to glare at her but my smile refused to hide. Bella was being uncharacteristically affectionate and playful and that washed away my grumpiness. I kissed her quickly one last time and left the house. I made my way to school as quickly as possible even though I was already late and wouldn't really be missing anything. I knew enough to teach the teachers. I walked into the school and shamelessly used all my vampiric charm to smile my way out of a detention and went to class.

The day crept away in it's usual and irritating sluggish pace. By the time lunch rolled around I was ready to just skip the rest of the day and go home to Bella. I left the school building and strode over to my car only to find a tiny vampire pixie wannabe sitting comfortably on the hood.

"You're not going anywhere, brother dear," Alice said crossing her arms over her chest. I rolled my eyes but unlocked the car doors so that we could get inside. After we were settled comfortably in our seats and I'd turned the radio to a pop station that Alice loved, I waited patiently for her to say whatever it was she came to say. Her thoughts were focused on Bella and everything that had taken place over the past couple of weeks. I should have known she would have wanted to talk about Bella. She and Bella had a good relationship but Bella wasn't as close to her as Rosalie, Esme, and I.

"Are you okay?" Alice asked.

It was a simple question that could have been answered with a simple yes or no answer. I shouldn't have needed a whole two minutes to find my answer, but I did. I had no idea whether I was fine or not. So many of my feelings and emotions depended on how Bella's feelings and emotions were. Bella seemed fine but I had this nagging feeling that she really wasn't. Every so often I would catch a dark, morose look in her eye that would vanish the instant she felt or saw me watching her. Therefore I couldn't be sure that I was okay since I wasn't sure if Bella was okay.

"I don't know," I finally answered.

She smiled sadly and patted my knee. "Jasper's worried about the both of you, you know. I'm not sure when he stopped hating Bella but I do know that he has. Her emotions trouble him. He talks about her all the time now. I guess since he'd learned a bit more about her history he's starting to understand why she reacts a little more aggressively than he would like," she told me.

"I'm glad he's warming to Bella," I sighed shaking my head. "…but he doesn't have to worry about me."

"He does though," Alice said earnestly turning in her seat to face me more. "Relationships are complicated enough on their own but I think you're getting in a little over your head with Bella. She's been hurt pretty severely in the past and I'm not saying that you can't handle it but it will be extremely difficult for you two to move forward. Not to mention she already has a mate…," she continued trailing off tentatively at the end.

I hated being reminded about the demon that was also Bella's mate. I hated him. Just the mention of him or the sound of his name just made a murderous rage burn inside me. He'd hurt and used her; wore away her spirit until there was very little left of her. I was glad that he wasn't in her life anymore but sometimes I wished that he would show up so that I could rip him to sheds and burn the pieces.

"Fuck him," I spat venomously at Alice. She flinched at my tone but I knew from her thoughts that she knew my anger wasn't directed at her.

"I know what you mean and I feel the same way. The thing is Bella doesn't, she loves him," she replied.

"But she cares about me too, Alice. You don't see how it is when it's just Bella and I alone. She told me she wanted me and even if she hadn't, in the way that she kisses and touches me I can feel that she does," I argued.

"Maybe she does want you, Edward. You'd know about that more than me. I don't know the deal with Lucas but you need to understand that he will always come first to her," she said gently.

I wanted to be angry at her but I knew that she was only telling me because she cared. I sat in the passenger seat and begrudgingly accepted her words as the truth. I didn't like it though. I wanted to be the person that came first in Bella's life. I was confident and selfish enough to admit that to myself and to Alice.

"And that's exactly why Jasper's worried! We understand that that's what you want but it's not ever going to happen and that's what you need to understand," she replied.

I opened my mouth to respond but there was a knock on the right side backseat window right before the door opened and Rosalie slid in.

"Don't be so sure," Rose said seamlessly interjecting herself into our conversation. "I don't really think Lucas is really Bella's mate."

Alice and I took in Rosalie's words. Alice, being the eternal optimist, immediately began thinking of things to validate Rose's theory. Me, being the eternal pessimist, immediately began thinking of things to negate Rose. Alice's thought process was a lot more fruitful than mine.

"Of course he isn't!" Alice screeched before clapping her hands excitedly. "I'm such an idiot! Rose why didn't you say anything earlier!"

Rose shrugged nonchalantly in the back before crossing her legs and her arms over her chest. "I don't know," she said. "Emmett and I have talked about it a few times. It makes such perfect sense to us that I guess I just figured everyone had already figured it out."

Alice and I simultaneously rolled our eyes just as Jasper slid into the backseat.

"It does make perfect sense," he said, also adding himself into the conversation. This was one of the best things about vampiric hearing. At times like this, even when you were several yards away inside a brick building you could still hear a conversation going on in the parking lot.

"After all the stuff he did to her, no mate would to that," he said glancing at Alice. His eyes only rested on her for the most fleeting of moments but it still conveyed all his love and devotion to her. "But why would she think he was her mate if he's not," Jasper asked.

"He must have lied, obviously," I said finally joining the conversation. It had taken a while for me to really grasp and accept what Rosalie had said but after hearing the combined thoughts of Alice, Jasper, and Rosalie I allowed myself to hope that maybe they all were right. If Lucas wasn't Bella's mate, which I was pretty sure he wasn't, then that meant everything to me. It gave me hope for what Bella and I could have together. It made me feel like all our time alone together could actually lead to me being first in Bella's heart. She was already the first in mine.

"God, the man must be a shit bag!" Rosalie hissed clenching her fists. "He did everything he could to fuck her over and she never thought anything of it, took his word without question. He was nothing but a manipulative asshole!"

Jasper spread a wave of calm throughout the car but it was mostly for Rosalie. Emmett, the last Cullen not to join the conversation, finally began to make his way to the car. He opened the door on the side where Rose sat and joined her and Jasper in the backseat.

"People are starting to whisper. They're wondering what the hell the weirdo Cullens are doing all piled in the car and just sitting in the parking lot during class," Emmett said.

"Since when do we care," Jasper shrugged uncaringly.

The conversation about Bella continued on but I only paid attention to half of it. There were so many new possibilities that Rose's notion opened up for me. I felt encouraged in a journey that I had planned out in my head but never had real intentions of embarking on. That wasn't the case anymore. The others could go on and on talking about Lucas and what as ass he was but that was old news and no longer worthy of my contemplation. I focused all my thoughts on Bella and the future we possibly had in front of us.

_**Bella**_

Ever since Edward had told me he loved me, it was all I could think about. Love was the one emotion I didn't have much experience in. I had no idea how it was supposed to feel, what it was, or if it was even real. For all I knew it was something people just thought they should feel after being close to a certain person after a period of time. Knowing that Edward felt that way about me made me feel inexplicably giddy but at the same time cripplingly distressed. Part of me wanted to say it back to him but another part of me was scared that doing so would be the beginning of the end for us.

It felt good being around him. The whole week alone with him had undeniably been one of the best in my entire existence. It was easy, fun, and relaxing. We'd done nothing at all but lie around, make out like teenagers, read, watch movies, and listen to music. It was the closest thing to perfect I'd ever come across. I'd been a little disgruntled when it came time for us to get back to the house and do separate things but now that he was actually away from me I felt a bit relieved. I could finally just sit down and try to make sense of all the conflicting emotions and thoughts going on in my head.

I was sitting on the living room floor helping Esme fold clothes. We'd been pretty much silent all morning but I finally broke it. I felt comfortable talking about things I felt might make me look weak in front of her. I could let my guard down a little around her. She was harmless and probably the least judgmental person in the entire coven.

"What is your definition of love? Is that what you really feel for Carlisle or do you just think that you should?" I asked her.

She stopped mid-fold and stared at me with her mouth hanging agape. By the look on her face my questions had both startled and perplexed her. I knew that I was bringing up some pretty heavy stuff so I patiently allowed her time to think about her answer.

"Well," she began thoughtfully. "I think that love is just a collection of many different feelings combined, like happiness, need, security, trust, adoration, passion, desire, and contentment amongst other things. If you feel all those things for someone and yes I really do have all that with Carlisle, then you love them. There are different kinds of love of course but I think they're all made up of the same emotions but with different levels of intensity," Esme said.

I took a moment to think about what she said. Her answer seemed pretty accurate. Of course I didn't have anything to compare what she said to, but it sounded at the very least plausible. She'd answered my one question but left me with so many more.

"Didn't you feel those things for Lucas?" she asked me.

"Some but not all. My relationship with Lucas was very complicated. I always had to know when to trust him and when not to. It was a skill that I clearly never mastered but I was secure in my knowledge he would never physically hurt me. I desired him, there was definitely passion, and I needed him to a certain degree but everything else I never felt," I told her.

The more I spoke the more confused she seemed to become. I was then confused by her confusion. Was I not explaining myself plainly enough?

"But Bella…Lucas was your mate," she said. Her tone suggested this statement was supposed to have more meaning than I was getting out of it.

"Right," I said not knowing what else to say.

"You're supposed to feel that with him."

"Not necessarily. Not everyone is fortunate to be paired with someone they can be in love with. Lucas was never really in love with me but we carried out a lifestyle that worked for both of us," I told her.

"Bella honey…what are you talking about?" Esme asked seeming distressed, puzzled, and exasperated all at the same time.

"I'm talking about Lucas and our relationship!" I said throwing my hands in the air in frustration. The conversation had gone way off course and now we were both confused. "Yes we were mated but love is not part of the deal, Esme! Mating is about being someone's equal in strength, endurance, and power. It's about being someone's other half, picking up the slack and filling the holes in their essential make-up. Your mate is the person fate designed for you to find, go forth, and thrive with. A companion made perfectly for you to help you survive eternity with. Lucas and I were cut from a cloth too domineering, vicious, and headstrong to include love. Our pairing was one made for the purpose of leading, domination, and survival."

Esme stared at me blankly for what seemed like forever before she pushed aside the clothes she and I were folding. She sat directly in front of me on her calves and grabbed both my hands in hers.

"Bella who told you that?" she asked using a voice I didn't like. It was the way one talked to an ignorant child.

"Lucas," I answered harshly in response to her tone.

"Sweetie," she said sadly shaking her head. "He lied to you."

"What do you mean?" I asked snatching my hands away from her. I stood quickly and put some space between us. She stood as well but thankfully let the space remain.

"That's not what mating is at all. If that's what you truly think then… Lucas wasn't your mate at all."


	23. Chapter 23

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**_Thanks Mommakat!_**

* * *

_**Esme**_

Listening to Bella speak made me realize instantly that she had been misinformed. She deserved to know the truth and I felt like our relationship was strong enough that I could be the one to tell it to her. She started getting defensive before I could even get the words out but I had expected that. I'd come to realize that when in doubt, Bella defaulted to aggression. I let her have her space and watched her intently as she took in what I'd said.

"No," she said shaking her head. "You don't know what you're talking about!" she whispered. I could hear her uncertainty loud and clear so I knew that she could too. I stayed silent and alert as I waited for more of her reaction.

"Lucas is my mate, Esme!" she said forcefully. "Lucas is my mate!" she repeated after I didn't respond. "You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Don't I?" I replied making her furious. "Mating has everything to do with love. Yes, your mate was designed by fate for you. Yes, your mate is your other half but he's also someone you love unconditionally. The only person who understands you utterly and completely. He's the person your heart longs for and can't be whole without. He's the love of your life who you would forsake all others for. At the risk of sounding cliché he's your soul mate."

Bella covered her ears in an attempt to block out my words. It hurt me deeply to see the pain this was all causing her but she had to know. She had to understand and see what kind of person this character really was.

"You've seen plenty of mated couples Bella. Doesn't it seem odd that only yours would be different. That only you had a mate that didn't love and cherish you?" I continued hoping to make her see reason. She growled loud enough to burst the ear drums of any surrounding humans. Luckily there were none.

"Please stop talking now!" Bella whimpered moving her hands up from her ears to clutch her hair in her fists. She dropped back down to the floor and moved back into the corner. I began to panic and rushed forward to comfort her. I didn't mean to drive her into hysterics. I just wanted her to see how Lucas had been.

"Bella, honey, I'm sorry! I'm sorry that he lied to you and I'm sorry that I went about telling you all wrong," I exclaimed kneeling before her.

"I don't want to hear anymore," she whispered in a voice so tiny and pleading that I closed my mouth instantly. I silently promised not to say anything to her unless she said something to me. I needed to comfort her in some way though. I couldn't just go on about my day while she sat here in apparent mental agony. I didn't think a hug was what she would have wanted in that moment so I just sat beside her. She curled in on herself pulling her legs up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them, and ducked her head in the little hollow it created.

We sat that way until it was time for the others to get back from school. Bella abruptly stood up and began making her way over to the stairs.

"Um I'd appreciate if you'd just let everyone know that I'd like some privacy," she told me in a dejected tone. I nodded my head and she turned away to leave. I quickly folded the rest of the clothes and loaded them into my car to take to the shelters. By the time I was done Edward and the others were pulling up to the house. Edward came in the house and I could see the smile on his face. I knew that he was about to head up to Bella's room. I couldn't let that happen.

"Why not?" Edward asked stopping in his tracks as he read my thoughts.

"Um, well Bella and I had a little conversation today and she told me that she'd rather everyone just give her some space today," I told him.

"What did you talk about?" he asked.

I sighed and shook my head. I had to put all my energy into not thinking about what Bella and I had talked about. It wasn't my place to tell. I couldn't block him as easily as Carlisle and Alice seemed to. They had no problem at all thinking of things to keep him out but I did. Our minds worked so quickly and were able to think of many things at one time. It was difficult to settle only on one line of thought when your mind was capable of so much more.

"I won't force you to tell me, Esme," Edward replied to my thoughts with a soft smile. "It's no pressure."

I smiled and nodded my head before continuing on the work I had to do around the house today since I'd been put behind with the whole Bella situation.

_**Rosalie**_

I could see that everyone was worried about Bella but we all respected her wishes and gave her space. Edward of course had the hardest time of it. I knew that telling him about my theory that Lucas wasn't Bella's mate would send him into a state of sheer ecstasy and that he would want to be with her even more than he was already. Whatever had happened while we were at school couldn't have come at a worse time because now he was wearing a hole in the carpet waiting to be allowed to see her. His face was a mask of consternation and stress.

I felt sorry for him, poor fool. I really did. It would be for anyone who saw them together to see how much he cared for her. I didn't doubt that Edward would give up his life before he gave up Bella. That was all fine and well but I thought that Alice had been right to warn Edward. He was new to all things dealing with women and relationships. That was hard water to tread in if the girl was perfectly normal and happy. He was like a beginner swimmer trying to swim through a hurricane with Bella. The survival of their relationship was damned near impossible. He had to handle her with extreme finesse, finesse that his lack of experience did not provide.

"Don't be so fucking pessimistic!" he snarled at me.

I put my hands up in surrender and he went back to his pacing. I stood from the couch and made my way up to my bedroom where Emmett was playing one of his various video games. I loved watching his finger moving so fast to operate that little controller. It unfortunately turned me on every time because my mind always went to other activities where his fast fingers could be put to use…

It wasn't until late that night or early that morning as some would call it that Bella finally emerged from her room. I didn't have to be Jasper to feel Edward's excitement. I heard him stop breathing with a gasp as the door to her bedroom slowly opened. Bella came out of her room to the staircase in the back of the house that led to the kitchen and left out of the back door. I could see her through my bedroom window and my heart broke into a million pieces. Her head was down and her arms were wrapped tightly around her middle. She walked into the forest moving at a human pace looking as lost as she probably was. Esme still refused to tell what had happened with Bella but whatever it was I just wished that Bella would have had more support at the time. Edward really could work wonders when it came to calming Bella down or comforting her. Even as damaged as I was myself I couldn't think of one thing to say to make her feel better or that would even make her want to feel better.

"She'll be back," I heard Alice say from her bedroom. My guess was that everyone was watching Bella walk away from the house, small and broken, and Alice was assuring all of us. Bella had become a part of this family. Even if she didn't consider herself a part of it or even consider us a family. Bella had worked her way into all of our hearts one way or another. We all loved her. We all wanted to help her. We just didn't know how.

Bella came back while we were in school the next day and was in my bedroom waiting for me. She was listening to her iPod and sitting on the floor in the corner by the window. I could hear her listening to "Just One Breath" by Devics. She didn't look up when I came in but I knew that she knew I was there. I sat on my bed not wanting to crowd her space unless she beckoned me closer. I waited patiently for her to speak. I knew that she would because she wouldn't be here if she wasn't going to.

It didn't take long, half as long as I thought it would. When her song ended it, she started it again and laughed bitterly, before shaking her head and looking up at me.

"I'm so confused. I'm so fucking mad," she said racking her hands through her hair. "I don't know what's real or fake. I don't know who to believe or to trust," she continued. "There's not one single vampire I've known who hasn't fucked me over. We're selfish creatures by nature. We can't help it. We want what we want and we'll do anything to get it. I know that and I accept it. It doesn't make it any easier though when I'm the one getting stomped all over! Now I'm all fucked up. Maybe Esme was telling me the truth, but maybe she wasn't? How will I ever know? Do I even want to know?

"Lucas told me that our being mated made us bound to one another. Separation from one another would take a great toll on us and we'd wither away. I left Lucas a long time ago and I am withering. I actually feel undead and all I want to do is be done. I just want to close my eyes and feel nothing. I don't want to have to figure out who's lying to me and who's planning to use me. I know that life isn't easy, I know that, but haven't I had it hard enough? Can't I just have a fucking break!"

I sighed and pulled my legs up to my chest before wrapping my arms around them. I couldn't even imagine how Bella felt. There were times I hated being a vampire but I had Emmett and he made everything better and worthwhile. As of right now Bella didn't have anyone like that.

"To be perfectly honest, Bella, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not sure what Esme told you but I can assure you that she is not a liar. I understand that after everything you've been through it's hard for you to trust people but she is one of the most genuine people I've ever met. _I_ trust her," I said.

Bella rolled her eyes. They were fiery red which meant that she had hunted recently. "Of course you do, Rosalie. She's your _mother_," she said with all the sarcasm in the world. Had it been anyone else I would have snapped back, but it was Bella and she had the right to be pissed off and bitchy.

"You know Bella, feeding off animals makes being a vampire a lot easier. It makes you feel more human, at ease, relaxed, and a lot less angry. I know you tried it with Edward already but if you did it full time it would prove quite rewarding," I told her.

She scoffed. "I have tasted animal blood and it is not at all what I would call rewarding," she replied.

"You get used to the taste and the rewarding part is not feeling like a monster. Having the hope that maybe you aren't really damned, having a shot at something better when our time here is finally done," I responded.

All the sadness and disparity in Bella's eyes was gone almost instantly. It was replaced by fiery burning rage. She stood and smiled at me in a way that made me shudder. It was the smile of the truly wicked.

"That is the most pathetic thing I've ever fucking heard. I really and truly pity you right now. I hate to be the one to break it you Hun, but we're already damned. We aren't ever leaving this earth. We're all in Hell right now. The eternal fire is burning in your pretty little throat, Rose! You can go ahead and drink your animal blood and pretend that it makes you feel better all you want to. No matter what you do, you will suffer. You drink that foul blood that will never satisfy you and then go parade around with the humans that intensify the burning. Don't tell me it doesn't kill you everyday to play your little charade and deny the temptation you so desperately want!

"You might ignore the rules but you're still playing the same game! The only difference between me and your little fucked up coven is that I'm strong enough to actually deal with what life threw at me. No I don't want to kill humans. Yes I feel guilty every time I suck the life from their bodies but we're SUPPOSED to feel that pain. Being a vampire is SUPPOSED to be unbearable! I'm strong enough to take the punishment that was given to me because even though the guilt consumes and destroys me over and over again I know that the taste of human blood is a small reprieve from the constant agony of what we are! You _are_ damned Rosalie. You _are_ in Hell. And no matter how many deer you drink you will never fucking change that!"


	24. Chapter 24

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_**Bella**_

I was too angry to even think straight. I saw the hurt in Rose's eyes with every word I said but it only made me feel better so I kept talking. It was wrong and evil. I knew that I was just taking my own frustration out on her but I couldn't seem to stop myself. A part of me realized that Jasper was in the house catching all my feelings and Rose's. I should have cut him off but I just couldn't find the strength to. Everything I had was too busy feeding my anger. I knew the others were listening to everything I said because they were all nosey fuckers too ingrained in each other's lives but I wanted them to hear. They all needed to get the reality check that I was currently giving Rose.

When I was done with my little rant, I was mentally drained but keyed up physically. My legs were already in motion before I even realized I needed to run. At some point, I kicked off my shoes and the feel of the cold wet earth under my feet felt like bliss. I just needed to feel something different. Something real and constant and relieving. It was raining in buckets and the water pounded my flesh relentlessly. I needed more. The rain ruined my iPod and I eventually tossed it away to the forest. I didn't know where I was going or where I wanted to go, but I felt like the second I stopped moving I would implode. So I just kept moving.

Hours later I was being crushed by one of the many waterfalls in Washington. The water beneath was amazingly shallow, only reaching to just below my bust. The constant heavy downpour was therapeutic like a massage but also a bit numbing. The roar was loud in my ears drowning out most other sounds which suited me just fine. There was nothing I needed or wanted to hear. My gift was still intact though. I could still feel any approaching vampires, and I wasn't surprised at all when I felt Edward enter my range.

The froth and mist of the waterfall makes me somewhat invisible. No human would ever be able to see but if a vampire looked hard enough they would see me. I don't not want to see him exactly but I don't make it any easier for him to find me either. It took him a little while but soon enough Edward pushed me back so that I was no longer under the spray but in the space between the falling water and the rock behind it.

"_Go away," _I thought at him.

"No."

"_I don't want to talk."_

"Then don't."

He moved past me and sat on an outcropping of rock and made himself comfortable by relaxing back into the rock, crossing his arms, and resting his ankle on his knee. I stared at him for a long time and he stared right back in stony silence. He lost the match by arching a brow. It was in a challenging I'm-seriously-not-going-anywhere-so-do-whatever-it-is-you're-going-to-do sort of way but he still broke first. I turned my back to him and looked at the waterfall. It was half as inviting as the space beside Edward on the outcropping. Now that he was actually here I couldn't find it in me to actually ignore him.

I didn't want to be close to him. It was a bad idea. The one thing that I'd learned was that the people closest to you hurt you the worst. I didn't want to be hurt by Edward. Just the thought threatened to destroy me. If I kept him at a distance, things would always be okay between us.

However keeping Edward away would not be easy. He was always so determined to be with me, be near me. Not to mention at this very moment I felt as if there was an actual pull trying to drag my body closer to his. The conflicting thoughts in my head started to weigh down on me and I just wanted them to stop. I was too overwhelmed and the fight in me was starting to fade. I was really fucking tired but of course I would never be granted the time or ability to rest.

My head was too chaotic to make any decisions at the moment so I let my body lead me. I turned around again to face Edward and climbed up to sit beside him. We were sitting so close that our arms from shoulder to elbow touched and I could smell his amazing scent strong and clear. The war inside my head raged on but it didn't seem to bother me as much. I didn't want to acknowledge that my proximity to Edward had anything to do with that but a small part of me knew that it did. Things just didn't seem so bad whenever I was with him.

"Esme said that Lucas wasn't my mate," I told him despite the fact I'd just told him I didn't want to talk.

I felt him stiffen beside me and stop breathing completely. I noticed that this was what all the Cullens did whenever stressful dilatation arose. It was odd but I'd grown used to it. I waited for him to recover which thankfully only took him a couple seconds.

"Do you believe her?" he asked.

"I don't know. She had a point that it should have seemed odd to me that I was the only person who had a mate who wasn't head over heels in love with me. Before I came here the only mated couples I knew were Bree and Riley and James and Victoria. Bree and Riley were in love I guess but they weren't overtly affectionate like the couples in your coven are. James and Victoria were close but I never saw anything that made me believe they were in love. The word I would use for them was territorial. They argued and fought with one another but it never tore them apart. They had a relationship that wasn't exactly the same as mine with Lucas but it was close enough.

"I can understand why Esme would think what she does. That's all she's seen but that's not the case for me. I've seen and known different. I care for Lucas deeply and I do feel a connection to him, a bond. I've seen the way Alice reacted whenever I've argued with Jasper. I knew without a doubt that if I ever laid a hand on him I would have to deal with her too. That's the way it was for Lucas and I. It was the fear of Lucas that kept people away from me and a fear of me that kept people away from him.

"And I know that it is a very real possibility that he could have lied. He was a liar and he lied to me all the time. He did hurt me but he was also good to me too. He did care about me. I was important to him. I want to believe that he's my mate. I want that to be true and real because it was the only thing that I was ever sure of. I was secure in that knowledge. But if the one thing I really believed is false…how can I ever trust myself again. How can I go forward and know that what I'm feeling is right?"

Edward sat beside me and I could tell he was really thinking about what I said. His brow was furrowed and he kept dragging his hand through his already messy hair and making it even worse or better. I loved his messy hair and it was made better knowing that he didn't stand in front of the mirror for copious amounts of time trying to get it that way. He washed it and then this was the way it dried. It was effortless and sexy… just like everything else about him.

"Maybe…," Edward began tentatively. I sighed and rolled my eyes at myself. I had led us into heavy territory and then promptly began thinking about how sexy he and his hair were. I was becoming more and more pathetic with each passing day. "…not only do you want to believe Lucas was your mate but you subconsciously need to as well. You need to because of all the reasons you just said and also to justify a lot of unpleasant aspects of your relationship," he continued.

"I guess that could make sense but the thing I can't let go of is the real bond that I felt with him. I liked being around him, I felt the need to make him happy and was happy myself when I succeeded. Lucas meant a lot to me, Edward."

A pained expression crossed his face and he glanced away to try and hide it. I didn't understand it but since he was clearly trying to prevent me from seeing, I didn't ask him about it. Several seconds passed before he spoke again.

"Bella, I really can't say for sure whether or not Lucas was your mate or not. All I know is what I've seen or heard. I have never in all my existence come across a mated couple who weren't unconditionally and irrevocably in love with one another. I've never seen a mated couple hurt or let anyone else hurt their mate. You've been around two other mated couples before my family. I know ten and they all adore, cherish, and worship their mates. No, all them don't behave like my family but because of our diet we behave a little differently. Some mates choose to wait until they're alone to show each other how much they love each other and that could have been the case with James and Victoria," he said.

I sat quietly beside Edward and thought back over every single detail of my relationship with Lucas. I left out not one single second of our time together. I tried to find some sign to prove something one way or another. I didn't know what to look for though, because if I kept to my own definition of mating, Lucas was my mate. If I went by Esme's standard then he wasn't. What I really needed was a real explanation of what mating was but there was no way for me to get that.

"This doesn't have to be figured out today, Bella. We have nothing but time to work through this. I'll help you in any way that I can and so will the others. You have support whether you believe it or not," Edward said. "I love you."

I grimaced hearing those words again. Hearing them now seemed worse than the first time I'd heard them. The first time he'd said it back at the Inn I'd handled it exceptionally well. This time, it felt like my heart was about to kick start just so that it could stop again.

"I'm sorry," Edward muttered catching the look on my face and I caught the sadness in his tone.

"Don't be sorry. I guess you can't help how you feel but that goes for me too ya know? I just feel like so much heavy stuff is being piled on top of me right now. I feel like I'm being buried alive and…I'm…just….really fucked up Edward," I said. "I wish you didn't feel that way about me because I don't even understand that emotion and I don't think I could ever reciprocate it," I told him honestly. "You're going to get yourself hurt, Edward Cullen."

He contemplated my words for just a few seconds before shrugging his shoulders uncaringly. "I think you're worth it. My heart is my own to do what I want with. Even to break it if I want to," he replied.

"You deem me worthy when I don't myself," I asked.

He nodded and pulled me on his lap. He ducked his head and kissed my neck before wrapping his arms tightly around me.

"If you had to deem yourself anything I'm sure it would be nothing good, hence I'll take that job and do you the justice you deserve," he said.

I rolled my eyes but snuggled against him, resting my head on his chest. I was tired of thinking and talking. I just wanted to have quiet and peace for a little while and Edward gave me that for hours as we cuddled behind the waterfall

It was late when we got back to the Cullen house but Alice was at the door waiting to let us in. She smiled happily at us but then frowned deeply at the state of us. The rain had made the earth muddy and both Edward and I were filthy after the long run back here.

"You two need to change out of those clothes. I laid some things out for you on your bed, Bella. I also got you a new iPod and synced it with your iTunes library," Alice said

I had a weird and sudden urge to hug the little pixie slash vampire before me. I controlled myself though because I really was a wet, muddy mess and I figured she wouldn't appreciate me dirtying her clothes. She had finally begun to use her powers for good instead of evil. I'd ruined my old iPod on the journey to the waterfall. I hadn't had time to grieve for my loss but now thanks to Alice I didn't need to.

"Thank you so much," I said offering her a smile.

"You're welcome," she said before leading me away to change. I took my time showering, letting the hot water rinse all the grime off me. I washed my hair and planned to just ball it up atop my head but Alice stormed my bathroom with other plans.

"Oh no you don't!" she exclaimed with her blow dryer and hair brush already in hand. I sighed but gave in since I was still grateful for my new iPod. I sat down at the vanity in the bathroom and let her handle my hair. When she was done, I dressed in a pair of dark jeans and simple dark blue blouse and brown knee boots before I made my way to Rosalie. I owed her an apology. I found her in her bedroom with Emmett. He was doing their homework and she was flipping through some Italian car magazine. They both looked up when I appeared in the doorway and I searched for signs that they were angry with me but found none.

"May I come in?" I asked.

"Sure," Emmett responded waving me inside with his signature dimpled grin spreading across his face. "No need to ask."

I stepped inside and Rosalie closed her magazine and tossed it aside on the end table beside the loveseat she was sitting on.

"Don't apologize. I understand that you were pissed. Not necessarily at me but I was there so I was the one that got it. It's cool," she said. "All I want to know is, is that how you really think? That we're in hell right now?"

I smiled slightly as I remembered why I was able to get along with Rose so well. She wasn't about the bullshit, her feelings weren't hurt easily, and she didn't care much for sappy apologies when there wasn't an absolute need for one. My smile faded though as I thought about the last part of what she'd said.

"Yes," I answered nodding my head and crossing my arms.

She heaved in a great breath and let the air out slowly, "That's really fucked up," she said.

"Extremely fucked up!" Emmett added. Rose and I both shot him a glare that only made him smirk and shrug before turning back to his work.

"He's right though, Bella. I mean, I know things for you have been just…god-awful but that's just because of the environment you were…raised in for lack of a better term," she said. "It's not like that for everyone and maybe that's really hard for you to grasp but it's true."

I swallowed thickly and nodded my head. I didn't know how I was supposed to respond. My belief was rooted in a truth that I saw and lived everyday for over a century. I had no reason to belief Rose's words. So many words had been spoken to me throughout my existence and very few of them had been in the truth, and today of all days I was beginning to believe that not one single person I'd ever known had told me the truth. I was beginning to doubt everything and I just couldn't find it in me to accept anything right now.

I turned and left her room and went to my own. I grabbed my iPod and put the buds in my ears before settling on my window sill. The Cullens had been good to me so far and people like Edward, Esme, and Rose could always be counted on to listen to me vent or comfort me when I needed it. They however had never been through what I had been through so they couldn't really relate to me or what I was saying. Music however was different. The humans who penned the songs I loved definitely couldn't relate to me but I could always find a song that could soothe me. It was like the song itself was an entity created from a compelling mixture of pain, passion, melody, and lyric that understood me on a deeper level than a person ever could.

I closed my eyes as Paramore's "Turn It Off" filled my ears and cradled me.

After the others had gone to school, I was left alone in the house with Esme and Carlisle. The doctor had gotten a very rare day off of work so I'd planned to stay out of their way and head out to Edward's meadow so that they could have some privacy. All the other couples in the house fucked like rabbits but Esme and Carlisle didn't have much time for that because of his occupation. I assumed that they would use this opportunity to make up for lost time.

Alice had slowly began to trust me to start dressing myself so I took a quick shower and let my hair hang loose until it dried. I dressed quickly in jeans and a thin sweater before grabbing one of the huge handbags Alice had purchased for me and packing it with my iPod, a few of books, my cell phone, and my laptop. I covered my face in my a pair of oversized sunglasses and headed out. I'd just clasped the door knob when Carlisle called me. I stopped in my tracks and turned to face him.

"Yes?"

"I was wondering if you'd be willing to sit and talk with me for a few minutes?" he asked.

My brows raised in surprise. I could feel Esme outside in the garden and wondered why he wanted to waste his time with me.

"Um…sure," I said sounding uncertain even to my own ears.

"Great," he smiled before leading the way to his study. I followed behind him quietly to the room he always escaped to, to read and work from home. I was intrigued as to what he wanted to talk about but also a little nervous. Carlisle, like Jasper, made me uneasy. The only difference was that Carlisle had chosen not to respond with hostility toward me. Once we were inside, Carlisle closed the door behind us and motioned for me to sit on a leather couch while he took up the armchair.

"I know that you don't think too highly of me but I hope that you can consider what I want to say anyway," he began.

"I don't dislike you Carlisle," I replied. "I just find it uncomfortable to be around certain types of people. I've not had good experiences with coven leaders," I told him.

He nodded somberly as his brows furrowed deeply. He looked just liked Edward when he was deep in thought. The sight made me smile involuntarily.

"I can understand that. I guess my word wouldn't mean much to you but I swear to you I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally. If I had my way you'd never be in any pain again."

"You and I both."

He offered me a small smile before heaving a sigh and leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He steepled his fingers and rested his chin atop them. It was the sign of a leader, a calculating leader. Lucas had assumed this exact pose many, many times. I didn't know what to make of that. I certainly didn't feel like Carlisle was a threat, from what I'd seen of him he was pretty tame but I didn't want to write him off completely yet.

"I'm sure you know that we all heard what you said to Rosalie the other day. That you feel like we're already in hell and with your history I can see how you might feel that way," Carlisle said leading us into what I was sure the reason he'd brought me in this room. "I must say that's it's an interesting theory that you have. Especially since we experience that severe burning during our transformation, how the burn continues in our throats, we are seemingly here for eternity, and we experience intense mental and physical pain as a result of what we are on a daily basis," he said.

I nodded eagerly. I hadn't expected him, Carlisle Cullen, Commander of the Crazy to understand me but he did. I was quite pleasantly surprised. "Exactly," I said.

"So what do you think happens when one of us is destroyed? Where do we go then?" he asked.

"I don't know," I replied thoughtfully. "I don't think I want to contemplate how much worse it'll be."

"My father was a pastor so of course before I was changed religion was a huge part of my life. He knew of the existence of vampires and we hunted and destroyed them. We also believed that vampires were damned, that they were demons that plagued the earth and needed to be expunged. So when I was changed, I was devastated. I hated what I had become. I hid in sewers to keep myself away from people. I didn't want to take human life because I also believed in redemption. Maybe we are suffering through some sort of hell right now but this is also an afterlife to what we were. And if there's the slightest chance that if raising above the challenges I'm faced with now will grant me some sort of reprieve then I'd be a fool not to try," Carlisle said.

"You could be doing all of this in vain though," I replied.

He shrugged, "Maybe but according to you we're in hell either way so why not suffer in a way that allows me to have hope for something better? Right now you know what you're doing is wrong. You feel the pain and the guilt and you're completely miserable in your hopelessness. But my family and I are not. We suffer yes, but not as bad as you. I think our possibly vain attempts are incredibly worth it. Because, be honest Bella, if you could chose between Esme's life and your own, who's would you choose? I know for certain she wouldn't choose yours," he told me.

His words stung. They cut me deep and sent me reeling from the pain. I could see the logic and possibility in his words. If I had a chance to be like Esme, I couldn't deny that I would. Maybe she wasn't as cut throat and hardened by life as I was. Maybe she was easy to take in a fight and lived in a world where everything was flowers and rainbows, but everyday there was a genuine heartwarming smile on her face. There was a lightness in her every step and she hummed happy little tunes as she performed her mundane little tasks everyday. I'd come to think of her bliss as ignorant but even still it was a bliss that had no knowledge of or felt like a day in my life. And maybe it wouldn't be all that bad to feel that from time to time.

Carlisle sighed and stood from his chair, "Our diet wouldn't heal you. It wouldn't erase the pain that you've been through. It would however give you hope. It would free you from _further_ pain and guilt. You live like us, like Esme. You could live like us and feel no different. You could live like us and feel completely different. There would be no harm in trying. Taking a walk in our shoes for a month would not kill you or hurt you in anyway. And like I said before, if there was a chance you could be granted a reprieve, no matter how small, you'd be a fool not to try."


	25. Chapter 25

_**SM owns.**_

**_Thanks Mommakat!_**

* * *

_**Bella**_

I stared up at the sky as Black Rebel Motorcycle Club's "Done All Wrong" played from my iPod. After my talk with Carlisle I'd gone ahead with my plans to go to the meadow. Not only did I want to give him and Esme privacy but after what he'd said, I needed some place to think with no interruptions or distractions. The meadow was calm and secluded and I loved it. It was also a place that I knew Edward would come to look for me when he came home from school and found me gone. Because after any tough day, it was always Edward that made me feel better whether I wanted to admit it or not.

Thanks to my gift, I could feel Edward coming long before he reached the meadow. As he got closer I heard the familiar and impossibly fast sound of his foot falls. Then closer still, his warming scent filled my nose and made me sigh in relief. I smiled when he was beside me and enveloping my body in his arms.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, his lips close to my ear. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him tight.

"I was waiting for you," I replied.

I felt his face move as he smiled at my words. He was so easy to please. "Well here I am," he murmured as his lips moved along my neck brushing and kissing all the right places. I rolled us so that I was on top and straddled his hips. I ran my fingers through his silky bronze hair and looked into his golden eyes. They were truly beautiful and warm. There was very little beautiful about me and even less that was warm. I tried to imagine myself with eyes like his, like his family's and found that I could picture it quite easily. I rather liked it as well.

"I talked to Carlisle today," I told him.

"About?"

"What we believe. About Hell, redemption, hope, and things like that. Do you believe what he believes. That we can be redeemed?"

"You've read my diaries. You know the answer to that already," Edward replied turning his face away from mine. I palmed his cheek and brought him back to me though.

"I want to hear you say it," I whispered.

"No I don't think we can be redeemed. I think our souls are gone and damned. I think that when we are destroyed we're going to Hell," he said somewhat bitterly. It was the first time I'd heard this tone from him when he was speaking to me. I was angry or offended by it though. This was a sore subject for all vampires. It was rare that this subject could be brought up and discussed calmly like it had been with me and Carlisle earlier in the day.

"So why do you do it," I asked.

"Because I could be wrong. Because I used to be human and life means something to me. Because no matter what I am now, murder is murder and it's wrong. If I have the choice between being a monster and trying to be better then I'm going to go with the latter. Because it makes me hate myself just a little bit less," he said looking up at me with eyes so intense with a century of sadness and self-loathing it was me who looked away this time.

He grabbed my hands and laced our fingers together before kissing the knuckles of both my hands.

"I've been thinking, maybe I should…give it a shot? See how I like it after a month or so? See if I will…hate _my_self a little less," I responded. He tried to conceal his glee but I saw it anyway. I cracked a small smile before rolling my eyes. He sat up and kissed my lips briefly before pulling back and looking into my eyes.

"It's not easy," he told me. "You'll hate it at first. You'll need to be really dedicated and give it time."

"I figured," I nodded.

"When do you want to start?"

"When I'm figuratively dying of thirst." Edward chuckled in response. "Will you come with me? Feed with me?" I asked.

"I'll do whatever you want me to," he replied and I had no doubt that he meant that statement. I could see the devotion in his eyes and it worried me. I wasn't sure that I was the type of person people should dedicate themselves to.

"You don't have to worry about me," Edward murmured after hearing my thoughts.

"But I do. I don't want to hurt you," I told him.

He'd come to mean a lot to me. From the moment I was brought into the house he was special to me. I awaited his company every day when I was petrified. His scent and voice soothed me. Then when I opened my eyes I realized he was the most beautiful vampire I'd ever seen and I'd seen hundreds upon hundreds. He could calm me down better than anyone else and I just genuinely liked being with him. We didn't have to talk or necessarily do anything. We could just sit on the couch and a good time was guaranteed. He was talented, strong, brilliant, and _good_. I felt like we had a special connection and I feared that I would eventually ruin that.

"Nothing you could do would ever change the way I feel about you," he said, cupping my face in his hands but I still averted my eyes to avoid looking at him.

"And that's really scary Edward! I'm capable of very awful things. Before I came here my whole life was about getting people to do despicable things for me. A hundred years ago if you'd have said those things to me I would have eagerly took dominion over you and made you do all kinds of fucked up things just for my own shits and giggles!" I exclaimed.

"Exactly," he replied simply.

I looked up at him in shock and confusion. What was he saying? Did he _want_ me to do that?

"Bella I picked several key words out from what you just said. Do you want to know what they are?" he asked and I immediately nodded my head. "Before, was, a hundred years ago, and would have. That's all past tense. None of that is who you are now. I trust you with my life," Edward said.

He leaned forward and captured my lips with his. I gasped into his mouth as the now familiar tingle of warm electricity surged up my spine and through my body. I could never decide what I liked more; kissing Edward or the extra sensations that happened while kissing him. There were two distinct pleasures that melded into one mind-blowing feeling. I wrapped my arms around his neck and deepened the kiss swiping my tongue across his lower lip to ask for entrance that he instantly granted.

Edward's hand ran up and down my thighs before going all the way up and gripping my ass. He pulled me closer until I could feel his growing erection pressing against me. I moaned and fisted his hair in my hands as I rocked against him. The smell of my own arousal wafted in the air around us. I was literally aching for him and I needed to feel him inside me so bad. He shifted our position so that he was on top of me and I wrapped my legs around his waist. Edward began trailing kiss along my jaw and down my neck, licking and sucking in all the right places. I was breathing in short pants and writhing beneath him as he grinded against me and palmed my breasts through my shirt. My hands moved frantically to undo his buttons and remove his shirt. This was not the first time I'd seen the glory of Edward's body but his perfection still took me by surprise. His lean muscular frame was something to be worshipped. I ran my hands slowly down his body until I reached the waistband of his jeans. I was about to get rid of his pants as well when his hands moved to unbutton my shirt. My body acted of it's own accord and swiftly grabbed his wrists.

"Stop," I gasped and he did instantly.

"I'm sorry," he replied shaking his head and I could almost hear him chastising himself in his head. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't," I rushed to assure him. "You didn't do anything wrong. I just…maybe we…I think we should get back to the house," I finally said lamely.

"Are you okay?"

Concern was clear in his eyes and then it was my turn to castigate myself. This was just another one of those reasons we shouldn't try to be together. I handed him his shirt and began packing up my things as quickly as I could looking anywhere but him. I just couldn't bear the sight of his flawless beauty.

"Bella just tell me what's wrong," Edward asked suddenly behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Nothing, really," I lied smoothly with a smile. "I'll race you back!"

I took off into the trees as fast as I could. I could hear Edward behind me but I already knew he'd let me win. I reached the house a whole two minutes ahead of him and found Em in the living room playing his video game.

"I'm pretty sure I can kick your ass," I told him.

"Dream on, Swan!" he scoffed. "Get your ass over here!"

By the time Edward got inside I was already deep into my game with Emmett. He came into the house and eyed me for a long time but I refused to look at him. I didn't want to give him a chance to try and talk about what had just happened. Hopefully he would understand my blatant avoidance and just let it go for the time being. And because Edward was so phenomenal he did exactly that.

The rest of the night passed without incident, but I couldn't stop thinking about the meadow. I wanted Edward. I needed Edward. I just couldn't have him. Just the thought of being naked in front of him made me shudder. The next morning after I'd showered I dried my body and then stopped to look in the mirror. I grimaced at my reflection. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't pretty at all. I looked like fucking road kill, worse than road kill. I looked like road kill after the maggots had, had their piece. I literally disgusted myself. I hurried into my closet and dressed just so that I couldn't see the horror that was me anymore.

The house was filled with Cullens. The sun had kept them all from attending school and work. They all treated sunny days like normal kids treated snow days. They were all elated and the house was alive with activity; music, laughter, and conversation. I however stayed in my room. I was thinking about Edward and how I'd left him high and dry. I'd never known vampires to suffer through blue balls but then again all the vampires I'd known had instant gratification. Just on the odd case that vampires could have blue balls, I decided that Edward deserved at least some kind of relief. I mean just because we couldn't have intercourse didn't mean that he couldn't get off…

_**Edward**_

Bella was many, many things. Subtle was not one of them. She'd ran away from me in the meadow and then completely ignored me when we got back home. Her message was loud and clear. She did not want to talk. Things hadn't been going in my favor lately so I figured I'd just drop it and let her come to me when she wanted to. She always did.

Bella kept her distance for the rest of the night and most of the next morning. The sun was shining bright in Forks. It was a rare occasion and celebrated like a damn holiday at the Cullen house. It was pretty sad the way one day off from school could make us all so happy, but then if you attended high school as many times as we did, you'd understand. The family was congregated in the living room but I was up in my room reading a new book I'd purchased. I was half way through when I heard light footsteps creeping toward my bedroom. I instantly knew it was Bella and tossed my book aside just as she entered. There was a Cheshire cat grin on her face but she held her finger to her lips telling me to keep quiet. I furrowed my brows in confusion but kept my mouth closed.

"_Don't say a word. Don't make a sound. Those are the rules. Do you agree to obey," _she thought. I nodded my head in perplexed agreement and she closed the door behind herself. She looked beautiful dressed in black leggings, charcoal grey over the knee boots, and a red tunic that brought out the red in her eyes. Maybe it was weird to think that was sexy but there was nothing about Bella that I couldn't find sexy. She lowered herself down to the floor and began crawling over to me slowly, never taking her eyes off me. She looked like a jungle cat on the prowl and that turned me on something fierce. I could feel myself hardening and I was powerless to stop it. I wanted to ask her what she was doing but I'd agreed to the rules and I couldn't talk.

"_I feel bad about yesterday. So I've come to make it up to you," _she mentally purred as she reached me where I sat on my black leather couch. She spread my legs and crawled up until her head was above my lap. She eyed my erection and licked her lips before palming me through my jeans. I opened my mouth, about to groan in pleasure, but her thoughts rang loud in my head again.

"_Not a sound, Cullen! You don't want the others to hear now do you?"_

I bit my lip to keep the sound in. I was starting realize what she had planned. I was thrilled by the thought and also terrified. I wasn't sure that I could obey the rules anymore. I'd never done anything like this before. I knew from other's people's minds how intense something like this could get, but not from personal experience.

Bella slowly undid my belt and jeans. _"Lift your hips," _she commanded and I instantly complied. She pulled my pants and boxers down just enough for my dick to spring free.

So many thoughts were running through my head. I wasn't sure if I should let her do this. I mean I'd fantasized about it plenty of times but I didn't want her to feel like she had to. This was not an act that should be performed out of guilt. I wasn't angry about her stopping us yesterday. I would wait forever for her if that's what she needed. I opened my mouth again to tell her that this was necessary. She glared at me in the way that kept me silent though. After I'd closed my mouth again she gave me the sweetest smile I'd ever seen.

"_That's a good boy,"_ she thought before bringing her body up slowly to kiss me on the lips. Her breasts rubbed against my throbbing arousal on her way up. I fisted my hands on the cushions of the couch, tearing the leather in my attempts to stay quiet. Bella settled on her knees between my legs and I watched her with rapt attention. I couldn't believe this was about to happen. She took my length in her hand and stroked me slowly from the base to the tip. My head lolled to the back of the couch and I squeezed my eyes shut. I never felt anything that good in my entire existence. Bella's hand was soft and warm and she used the perfect amount of firmness.

"_Watch me, baby," _her mind whispered and I brought my head up just in time to see as Bella took the tip of my erection into her hot mouth. She wanted me to watch her and I wanted that too but I couldn't stop my eyes from rolling to the back of my hand. I couldn't do anything but feel as she sucked her way down my length until her full lips were at the hilt. My toes curled and I brought my fist up to my mouth. I bit down on my knuckles needing something to distract me from the unbearable pleasure she was giving me.

She wrapped her hands behind my knees and pulled me down a little more the way she wanted me. She brought her mouth back up and swirled her tongue around the head before taking me all the way in again. She sucked hard on the way back up hollowing out her cheeks and sliding her hand down to gently massage my balls.

Her mouth was so warm and wet. The way she massaged, sucked, and licked me was driving me insane. I clenched my teeth and as my hips jerked forward. I was struggling hard to control myself but I just couldn't. Bella didn't want me to either.

"_Don't hold back. Fuck my mouth, Edward," _she thought.

I shook my head rapidly. I couldn't do that to her. Bella responded by releasing me from her mouth with a pop. She took the head back into her mouth and sucked and swirled her tongue wildly.

_Do it, baby. Please," _she begged me.

It was a shame how quickly I gave in to her. I rocked my hips pushing into her mouth slowly and she moaned around me. The vibrations did strange and wonderful things to me. She caressed and tugged my balls softly and I felt them begin to tighten. I was about to come but I couldn't say anything to tell Bella. I fisted my hand in her hair and tugged hoping to rely the message that she should move.

"_Keep going, Edward. Just feel me and let go," _she thought as she stared up at me through her lashes. I lost all control by that point and continued to pump into her mouth. She hummed around me again and bobbed her head meeting me thrust for thrust.

My climax racked through my body making me convulse horribly. I released into Bella's mouth and felt her swallow it down. My whole body went limp as she licked me from base to tip and stroked my thighs to bring me down from my high. After I'd caught my breath Bella righted my pants and crawled up the rest of the way to straddle my lap. I instantly locked her in my arms as she brought my head forward to rest on her bosom. She ran her fingers through my hair and kissed the top of my head. The gesture was so sweet and so tender. I found myself purring in content. I wanted to thank her, tell her how amazing that was, how amazing she was and how much I loved her but the moment was too perfect. Words would only ruin it. I was pretty sure she knew all of that anyway, so I just stayed silent and just reveled in the feeling of us being wrapped around one another.


	26. Chapter 26

_**SM owns.**_

**_Thanks so much Mommakat!_**

* * *

_**Bella**_

I'd been holding out for a long time. It had been three weeks since I'd last fed and the burn in my throat was agonizing and unrelenting. It was so bad that I was contemplating just drinking some damn water. I was pretty sure it wouldn't taste any worse than the animal blood. Agreeing to the Cullen's lifestyle was a lot easier than actually getting out there and living it. Every time I imagined myself out in the forest, latching onto the neck of a fucking deer, and then _drinking_? I just wanted to cry.

I growled out in anguish and rolled on my back as I clutched my throat with both hands. The sweet sound of my lullaby stopped abruptly. Edward who had been playing it on his guitar looked up at me, his expression showing a mixture of shock, amusement, and pity. "That's it," he sighed tossing his instrument haphazardly on the couch and coming over to his bed where I was sprawled. "Time to hunt," he said looking down at me.

"I can wait a little longer! I'll go tomorrow," I rasped.

"Uh huh, that's what you said yesterday and the day before that. No more waiting. Let's just get it over with," he said. He grabbed my ankle and dragged me down to the edge of the bed where he bent over and pulled me over his shoulder.

"But…," I began but was cut off as he smacked my ass making me squeal in surprise and delight.

"Shut it, Swan!"

I sighed in defeat as he jumped from his bedroom window and ran us into the forest. I hung limply from his shoulder and watched the ground as Edward practically flew in search of prey. I focused on mentally preparing myself. I'd dealt with worse, way worse. This would just have to be a smash and grab job. Take the animal down, drink quickly, and be done.

Edward stopped after about an hour of running. He set me down gently and wrapped his arms around me. I buried my face in the hollow of his neck and took in the scent of him. So manly. So sexy. So… _Edward_.

"This isn't going to work if you start out with a negative attitude," he told me.

"I'm trying," I murmured against his skin.

"What upsets you the most about it," he asked.

"I can't say for sure. When I first learned about how you guys feed, I thought you all were being weak. Trying to delude yourself into believing you weren't suffering like the rest of us," I told him honestly. I could always be honest with Edward. "I'm not too excited about the taste either."

"Well it takes a strong vampire to put up with the taste. It's not appetizing. You learn to get used to it though. It cools the burn and that's all that really matters," he replied.

I nodded in agreement. "That's true. I am excited about hunting like you. There's something so _carnal_ about it," I purred pressing against him. I remembered with perfect clarity when I watched Edward hunt. It was still one of the sexiest things I'd ever seen. I still didn't really want to do it myself though. It seemed like something that was better watched than done. I pushed Edward back against a tree and hitched my leg up to wrap it around his waist. He pushed me away though before I could complete the action.

"Oh no," he said keeping me at arm's length. "No stalling."

I huffed irritably and turned away from him. He came back and wrapped his arms around me before kissing my shoulder.

"I never took you for a whiner," he mused. I swiftly landed my elbow in his gut and he chuckled in response. "Seriously, let's get you fed. I don't want you to be in pain."

I sighed and nodded my head. Edward stayed behind me and instructed me to close my eyes. He told me to inhale and listen to the breeze for something nearby.

I could already tell that hunting animals was extremely different from humans. With them, all you had to do was wait in an alley or relatively deserted area and attack the first one that crossed you. It took a few minutes but I eventually caught something on the wind coming from the west. Two strong heart beats and a foul smell. It was musky and a bit like chlorophyll. I wrinkled my nose, in disgust.

"It's elk. We can wait for something better. They taste the worst," Edward whispered in my ear.

"_I'd rather start with the worst," _I thought.

"Okay," he nodded. "Move slowly and quietly until you get close enough to pounce. Animal instincts are fifty times stronger than humans. They'll sense danger and run away. It's extremely rare to catch any animal off guard. Of course you'll catch them anyway though because you're faster. Drink fast because once it gets cold, the taste is unbearable," he told me all in one breath.

I nodded my head having taken in everything he said while still listening to the heart of the elk. It smelled gross but I knew it would be hot and thick. My throat was killing me and I just needed to drink something…_anything_. Edward stepped away, silently telling me to go for the kill. I moved as stealthy as I could, which, may I say is very fucking stealthy, toward the west. The elk were grazing about two miles away and I reached them quickly. Like Edward had said they sensed me when I was about 100 yards away and they both took off in the opposite direction. I pushed forward running past them and then looping around to head them off.

Their reflexes were too slow and the first one nearly collided into me. I took hold of it's antlers and cracked the neck just as the second was slowing down to run back. I leapt over the first elk and tackled the second to the ground sinking my teeth into it's neck. His heart was beating fast and the blood gushed into my mouth. I took it down as fast as it came. I tried like hell to ignore the bitterness, weird tang, and vegetal taste but I just couldn't. I lasted about five swallows before I gave up.

"Fuck this!" I said pushing the animal away from me. "How can you do this? How! That's revolting!"

I spit on the grass and it instantly decayed. I wiped out the inside of my mouth with my shirt sleeve trying to remove all hints of the after taste from my palate.

"You've done this before Bella. Why can't you do it now?" Edward asked.

"It didn't taste anything like that!"

"I told you we could have waited for something better to come along."

"It'll taste better if you share with me like last time. Aren't you thirsty?"

His eyes were not yet black. They were dark brown but I knew that the burn would be starting to get intense.

"Of course I'll feed with you if that's what you need but you should probably try and do it on your own for the first time," he told me gently.

I rolled my eyes but I knew that he was right. I needed to get used to the taste. If Edward fed with me, he would just be a crutch. I wouldn't be able to feed with him every single time anyway.

"The hunting part was fun though," I said trying to look at the bright side. "Very exhilarating."

He smiled and nodded his head, "It is. Shall we proceed?"

I took his hand and continued moving at a jog. I was in no rush to find more elk but they were plentiful here. It took us less than fifteen minutes to come in contact with more. This time a herd of three. Edward released my hand and I rushed forward not giving myself time to psych myself out. I tackled down one but let the other two go. I knew that I wouldn't be able to drink them all. I pierced the jugular of the one I did have and drank him quickly. I was better prepared for the taste and decided not to even think of it at all. I instead focused on the diminishing agony in my throat. After I'd finished, I stood and decided to go after the other two that I'd let free. I found them easily enough and dined on them as well. When I was all done, I stood slowly feeling incredibly sloshy after having gorged so much on blood.

"I'm still a little thirsty," I said looking up at Edward uncertainly.

"The animal blood never fully satisfies you. You'll always feel like you need a little more," he told me.

I stared up at him feeling two very distinct things. First and foremost was anger. How could he not tell me that before? That little detail seemed to be the most important of all. I would never be fully sated? Never? The second was awe. Part of me just couldn't wrap my mind around what that statement meant.

"Are you telling me…that you spend the better part of your day…in a building full of humans…and you're constantly thirsty? That Carlisle goes into a hospital and cuts people open everyday while there's an incessant burn in his throat? Is that correct?" I asked speaking slowly and enunciating every word perfectly to insure that there was no misunderstanding between us.

"You get used to it, Bella. It's really not that bad. It's an adjustment of course but it's not unlike human blood in the way that once you get your thirst under control you can go to crowded areas and not massacre everyone around," he told me

"That's because when you drink human blood the thirst actually goes away for a while!" I exclaimed feeling as if I was about to have a panic attack.

Edward pulled my body against his and began rubbing small circles on my lower back while running his fingers through my hair. He was trying to calm me and it worked exceedingly well. I melted into him wanting to absorb every ounce of comfort his presence offered.

I was sitting in the living room with rest of the coven. I sat somewhat sequestered off by myself in an armchair in the corner. I couldn't believe that they were all just smiling and laughing like everything was fine. Like they didn't want to be ripping open someone's neck. I'd only been following their diet for a week and I was about to go insane. I'd been hunting every other day hoping that maybe, just maybe the thirst would go away. No luck.

I dragged both my hands through my hair in aggravation. I had to buck up. I felt like a whiney little bitch. I never voiced my agitation to the Cullens because I didn't want to appear weak. I was pretty sure my actions spoke louder than anything I could ever have said though. I was snapping at people left and right but they all just smiled indulgently at me in response.

I was starting to realize just how grossly I'd misjudged them. To carry on like this for decades and decades was a show of strength beyond imagine. I could annihilate a vampire in less than a minute. I could cuss someone out and make them feel like shit even the flies wouldn't touch. I could make people cower and beg for mercy just by glaring at them. I'd witnessed and performed sickening acts of cruelty and found it entertaining. I was a vampire capable of many things, but I couldn't walk in the shoes of a Cullen. Even Esme who I called pathetic time and time again was managing this unconquerable feat with effortless ease while I sulked in the corner just barely in control of myself.

"Hey girlie. You want to take a walk or something," Rose asked.

"Yes!" I exclaimed jumping up from my seat. I needed to do something. Just sitting around was not helping me at all. I was out pacing on the porch before Rose had even put her shoes on. When she finally came out we set out into the woods at a slow pace. I wrapped my arms around myself and looked up at rays of sun illuminating the moon.

"You and Edward seem pretty close lately," she said nonchalantly. A little _too_ nonchalant if you asked me. I cast a sidelong glance at her and saw that she was looking straight ahead.

"We've always been close," I replied. "And allusiveness is not becoming of you, Rose."

"Well fuck we all know you gave him a blow job a few weeks ago! Everyone in that house is sexually active enough to know the sound of it no matter how quiet you try to be," she exclaimed. "I'm a little miffed that you didn't come gush about the details! I'm getting tired of waiting around for you!"

I snorted a laugh and rolled my eyes. I didn't expect what I'd done with Edward to be hidden from his family. I made him stay quiet because I knew that it would have been more intense that way.

"Well how about you go ahead and tell me all about the blow jobs you give Emmett first," I replied arching a brow at her.

"Oh please! Me being a dirty slut with Emmett is nothing. We're married and we've been together for over fifty years. You and Edward though, that's something to gossip about," she replied.

"It is not!" I retorted.

I hadn't gone to Rose or anyone else with the details because quite frankly it was none of their business. Maybe the way I went about pleasing Edward was all salacious and naughty but it was special to me. It was intimate. It wasn't something that I wanted to brag about with the girls. It was one of the most enjoyable sexual activities I'd ever participated in. Seeing Edward come undone drove me crazy in the best way. I felt good knowing that I could do that for him. And the way that we'd held each other afterward was just beyond words. That moment was just for Edward and I. Even though we'd done it in a house full of people, it had seemed like there was no else in the world but us.

"Yes I gave him a blow job. Yes it was fantastic. No I'm not saying anything else about it," I said.

Rosalie suddenly turned and planted herself in front of me. The motion was so abrupt that I nearly crashed into her. I stared wide eyed up at her as she looked at me with narrowed eyes.

"After everything we've discussed. All the secrets we've shared. _This_ is what you want to keep under wraps?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes!" I exclaimed not understanding why this was such a hard concept for her to grasp.

"You love him," she said in a way that was both accusatory and smug.

I stared at her, mouth agape, and mind reeling. I attempted to refute her words but the only sounds that came from my mouth were odd little whimpers, snorts and squeaks. It wasn't until she giggled in delight that I finally found my voice.

"That is absurd!" I screeched.

"I guess that's why your voice just rose to a pitch only the dogs could hear," she scoffed.

I rolled my eyes and pushed past her. "I don't even know what love is, Rose," I spat getting more and more defensive by the second.

"So how do you know you don't love him?" she countered.

No comeback. No comeback at all. Luckily while I was debating the only two things one can say when there is no valid response a scathing "Fuck you" or an exasperated "Whatever" I caught the scent of a deer on the wind.

"Need to hunt!" I yelped and took off trying in vain to quell my thirst.


	27. Chapter 27

_**SM owns.**_

**_Thanks Mommakat!_**

* * *

_**Edward**_

Bella hardly ever spent time in her own room anymore. She spent her nights lounging around with me in mine. Somehow a lot of her clothes had found themselves in my closet and the counter in my bathroom was now strewn with beauty products that Alice used to groom Bella each morning. These tiny little things put me on cloud nine. The idea of my room soon becoming Edward _and Bella's _room was a source of great joy for me.

However I was starting to get uneasy about where are relationship was actually going. We behaved like a couple. Holding hands, holding each other, kissing, and touching. I felt like I could tell her anything and it seemed that way for her as well. She'd told me so many painful things about her past, her worries, and her fears. I knew that she trusted me just as much as I trusted her. I had no problem expressing my feelings for her but she was rather reserved when it came to verbalizing hers for me. She told me that she liked me and that she cared about me, but I wasn't exactly sure what that really meant. I wanted to know in no uncertain terms what was going on between us.

"I can't believe I won!" Emmett exclaimed. "I fucking won!"

I looked down at the chess board between Emmett and I in confusion. Sure enough, he had beaten me. Thanks to my gift I was always able to pick his moves out of his head and plan against them. The only person who had ever been able to win a game against me was Alice and even that was a rarity. I was a strong player. Apparently my thinking about Bella had been such a distraction that Emmett, the weakest player in house, had gotten the better of me. It wasn't that Emmett didn't have the smarts for chess, it just wasn't his proverbial cup of tea. He needs things to be thrilling and raucous like video games and sports to hold his interest.

"Ma! I kicked Edward's ass at chess!" Emmett yelled like a big kid vying for our mother's attention.

"Very good dear! I'm so proud of you," Esme indulged Emmett from her seat at the dining room table.

"I let you win, obviously," I grumbled.

Bella, who was sitting beside Esme as my mother polished the silver, snickered at me.

"_Edward Cullen a sore loser? Who'd a thunk it?" _she thought teasingly. I rolled my eyes and got up from the chess table as Emmett went to go inform his wife of his unprecedented victory. I moved over to the couch where Alice was also giggling beside Jasper.

"Can't win them all dear brother," she said smugly even though she wasn't the one who'd beaten me. It was like everyone was satisfied knowing that I'd lost to _someone_. It wasn't my fault that I was a gifted individual.

"How can you lose a game and still manage to be smug?" Jasper asked me.

"I was distracted and I know that if I hadn't been Emmett would have lost," I shrugged. "As usual," I added for good measure.

"Fuck you!" Emmett called from upstairs making Jasper laugh.

Carlisle walked into the house after his fifteen hour shift at the hospital. Of course vampires never grew physically tired but there were time when my father came home after a particularly long shift and there would be a strained expression on his face. It was usually when the day was particularly trying for him and his control. From his thoughts I could see that he'd endured three back to back surgeries and one where blood had gushed and squirted on his surgical mask.

"Long day?" Bella asked looking at Carlisle with an expression of pure sympathy.

He nodded as he came over and sat in the chair between her and Esme before resting his head on Esme's shoulder.

"Extremely," he said.

"I'm sorry," Bella whispered and rubbed soothing circles on his back.

Ever since Bella had started our diet, we'd all seen a more sympathetic side of her. Whenever one of us was having a particularly hard day she would give us a small sad yet awed smile. It broke my heart every single time. She was struggling more than I'd anticipated and instead of becoming happier she just seemed to be shrinking in front of my very eyes. She was reverting to her old ways of holing up in corners for long periods of time and there was added sadness to her eyes that scared me. I tried to encourage and praise her every chance I got because after all she was doing very well. It had been two weeks and she hadn't slipped yet. I didn't think she realized it but that was a big fucking deal especially for someone with her past. She was trying very hard and hunted once a day to keep herself in check. I was impressed with her effort and proud of her strength.

"Maybe we should go hunt," Esme suggested running her fingers through Carlisle's hair. He nodded and they both stood and bid us all goodbye. Bella watched them leave with that look in her eyes before sliding over to take Esme's seat and finished polishing the silver for her.

"Do you want to go too?" Alice asked looking over at Jasper.

He'd felt Carlisle thirst and was now struggling with his own. He nodded his head and he and Alice trailed after our parents. I looked over at Bella and posed the same question.

"No, I hunted this morning after you left for school," she told me with a small smile. I moved to the table to sit beside her. It was amazing how just being physically closer to her made me happier. I brought my hand up to massage the back of her neck and the second our skin touched it was like my soul snag. She glanced over at me and placed a brief but passion filled kiss on my lips.

"_What is it about you, Edward Cullen?"_

She sighed and turned back to the silver. Her thoughts may have sounded like a direct question to me but I knew that they weren't. It wasn't the first time I'd heard her think that particular question. In fact it wasn't even the hundredth time. When she finished polishing, she patted my thigh and suggested that we go up to my room. Once upstairs we settled onto my bed with our arms wrapped around one another.

I pressed my lips to her collarbone through her shirt as she ran her fingers through my hair. I found myself purring in content again and pulling her body impossibly closer to mine as she hitched her leg to my hip. She brought my face up to hers and kissed my cheeks and chin. When her full red lips finally meet my own I sighed into her mouth in sheer pleasure. Her small body shuddered before wriggling to bring us even closer but there was already no space left between us. She whimpered in frustration as she too realized that.

I cupped the back her head and secured her face to mine as I rolled to be on top of her. I moved to rest my weight on my elbow but that wasn't what Bella wanted.

"_Don't," _her thoughts pled. _"Rest on me."_

I complied and let my full weight rest between her legs making her moan again. I smiled seeing how easily she was pleased but also because I heard the sound of the front door opening and closing followed by Rosalie's Mercedes starting.

Bella and I had the house all to ourselves.

This fact makes me slow things down though. Bella has no problem being sexual and affectionate in front of everyone but talking is something she prefers in intimate one on one settings. I continued to kiss her for a few minutes before pulling back and resting my forehead against hers.

"What are we doing, Bella?" I asked.

"Making out," she replied with a giggle looking directly in my eyes with a playfulness that was rarely ever there. Her eyes were lit up with humor and cheerfulness and I wanted to revel in it, to bask in her happiness because it sparked my own. I couldn't though. We needed to talk about a lot of things and this was a perfect time to do it.

"No," I shook my head smiling softly down at her. "I'm talking about our relationship. I need to be clear on what this is between us," I told her.

"Oh," she said, the playfulness leaving her so suddenly it was like a switch had been flipped. She agilely slid her body from under mine scooting back and up so that her back was pressed against the head board. Her movement forced me to rear back and sit on my heels as she hugged her knees to her chest averting her eyes away from mine. She had effectively distanced us not only physically but emotionally.

"I thought we were just focusing on the now. You know like going with the flow or whatever," she muttered scratching at the polish that Alice had just put on her toes this morning.

"Go with the flow?" I repeated. "My question is where has the flow taken us. I can't focus on the now when I don't know what it is," I told her.

"We're good," she said. "We like each other, we have fun, we talk, we trust, and we make each other feel…everything," she whispered glancing up at me before hurriedly looking away again.

"So what does that mean," I asked moving closer to her.

"What do you want it to mean?" she asked.

"I want to be with you. I want to be together…officially. A couple. I want to be yours. I want you to be mine," I said.

She cringed at the last word squeezing her eyes shut as if she was in actual pain. Disappointment and hurt hit me like a ton of bricks. She didn't want any of that. She didn't want _me_. It was involuntary but it was me that put the space between us again. I scooted back until there was a good foot and a half separating us. Bella looked up at me in shock and confusion, but only for a second before composing her features into indifference.

"I don't want to be owned," she told me. "I'm not an object, a possession. And neither are you. Why would you want to be?" she asked. The impassiveness of her face was not reflected in her tone. There was an edge there that was teetering on disgust.

My chagrin and hurt were quickly replaced with panic. She'd misunderstood me. Bella had an opinion about everything and her opinion seemed to always be the worst one possible. She saw almost nothing in a positive light.

"When you say it like that, sure it does sound bad but I don't want to carry you in my pocket," I replied. "I want to hold you. I want to know that we're exclusive. You're a person, a beautifully strong, stunningly intelligent, amazingly magnificent person. I know that you're not an object. You are a treasure to be cherished and adored and I want to be the person that does it," I said.

"I'm broken. Damaged to the point of complete ruin. You deserve more than a shattered little girl and that's all that I am," she murmured dejectedly.

I closed the space between us again and cupped her cheek in my hand. "You are broken and I love every single piece of you. Nothing in your past can diminish what I feel for you. I want you. I need you. I love you. You're more than what I deserve but I'm selfish enough to pursue you anyway. Please give me a chance. Please give us a chance," I begged unabashedly.

Bella stared into my eyes, her own wide with too many emotions to decipher. I held her gaze hoping and praying she would say yes or even maybe. I could settle for a good maybe.

"I'm scared," Bella whispered.

"Of what?" I asked pushing her hair behind her ear.

"_You," _her thoughts answered.

I flinched back in shock. The fact that she admitted to being scared was surprising enough but to learn that it was me causing her fear was just too much. She ducked her head hiding her face from me as I gawked, too caught off guard to do anything else. It took a while but I finally recovered.

"Why?" I asked. She didn't respond and I hated to push her but I really needed to know. I'd told her many, many times before that I could never hurt her. I wanted to protect her and insure that she would never have to worry about anything or anyone else again, even if that meant that something about myself needed to be changed.

"There is not one single person that I have cared about that hasn't hurt or betrayed me in some way. Not a single one. If Rosalie or even Esme hurt me, it would be fine. It would crush me but I would deal and move on like always. But if you ever hurt me, I wouldn't survive. There would be no coming back from it. It would push me over the edge and there would be nothing of me left.

"And I know that you said you would never intentionally hurt me but I've heard that before. It's a statement that I learned to equate with those who want to put me off guard before they strike. You have yet to hurt me but that doesn't mean that you won't in the future. I'd known Bree over forty years before she turned her back on me and it was when I needed her the most. Edward, I care about you more than I've ever cared about anyone else. You know me better than anyone else. You have the power to obliterate me utterly and completely and I'm terrified that you will."

I listened and processed her words for a long time. I thought about my own history and family. I had always been surrounded by love and trust. There was security within our family that had never been threatened in any way. I couldn't say from personal experience what real betrayal even felt like. The exact opposite was true for Bella. There was probably nothing anyone could say to make me believe that the people I loved had turned on me and there was probably nothing I could say to make Bella believe I wouldn't turn on her. As I looked in her eyes, I could almost see her just waiting for it.

I recalled Rosalie thinking that a relationship between Bella and I would be doomed. That Bella had been through too much and I hadn't been through anything. I'd gotten angry at her at the time, but now I saw her logic. A relationship between Bella and I would be the most fragile. It would be easily shattered whether things occurred intentionally or not. The weight of a wind blown feather could do us in. Bella had built walls around herself that Fort Knox would envy. The pain of her past had created an all powerful fear sustained defiance. Her refusal to ever be hurt again was the only security she had and it was infallible.

I knew within my heart of hearts that I would never hurt her. Just the thought of such a thing sounded like a sick joke in my head. My own knowledge would mean nothing to Bella. There would be no convincing her on this issue. I contemplated my next words carefully before taking a deep breath and saying them.

"I have no idea how you feel. I have never been betrayed and I have never betrayed anyone. I can make you promise after promise but I'm sure you need more than words to convince you to believe them. I don't want to force you to do anything that you don't want to. In order for us to go forward you would need to take a leap of faith. You might hit the ground and never get up again, but there's a chance you might fly and soar to new heights that you never even dreamed possible. Now I don't want an answer right now because I want you to _really_ think about it. Long and hard, I want you to think. But ask yourself this; am I worth the risk?"


	28. Chapter 28

_**SM owns.**_

**_Thanks Mommakat!_**

* * *

_**Bella**_

Things between Edward and I had cooled considerably. After that night we talked, there were no uncertainties about what we were. He made sure to keep things in friend zone. For the past five days the most I'd done with him was hold his hand or run my fingers through that gorgeous hair of his. I was sure that friends were allowed to cuddle. Hell, I strictly remembered cuddling with Esme once! Edward had even kept that to a minimum as well. No horizontal cuddling was ever allowed, only vertical. We could hold each other while standing or sitting, but while lying on the bed was out of the question apparently.

All of this upset me more than I wanted to admit and it was wreaking havoc on my efforts to abstain.

Without the soothing moments of being wrapped in Edward's embrace to cool my nerves and blood lust periodically throughout the day, I felt tortured. I supposed he was trying to give me the space I needed to think about what he'd asked me too but I didn't want space. I just wanted to feel him and kiss him like I'd grown accustomed to. I was too distracted with not being with Edward that I'd hardly thought about _being with him_.

"Penny for your thoughts," Esme said looking over at me. It was one of the rare days that we didn't have much to do around the house. We were both draped across the furniture, me on the loveseat and her on the couch, watching a movie about a girl trying to be a journalist and ends up working at a fashion magazine under a bitchy boss. I'd watched it before and quite enjoyed it but the only things I could focus on at the moment were blood and Edward.

"Edward and blood."

"In that order?"

I took a moment to ponder that, "Simultaneously," I finally decided.

"Want to hunt?"

I shook my head. "I just hunted last night and I still feel sloshy. Any more and I'll be the first vampire to have a nose bleed."

"Do you want to talk about Edward then?" she asked.

I shook my head again. "I want to talk about Carlisle."

"Carlisle?"

"Yes, after everything your human family and your first husband did to you what made you want to put yourself in his hands," I asked.

"I love him."

I stared at her waiting for her to continue but she never did. Those three words were the answer to my question. I couldn't fucking believe it. A familiar feeling began rumbling deep inside me. One that scared the hell out of me. One that had led to one of the biggest disasters of my existence.

Jealousy.

I was so jealous of Esme in that moment that I was nearly blind with it. Why the hell was everything so fucking easy for her! She got fucked over. Maybe not as bad as me but she suffered! Her family urged her to stay with a man who beat her and treated her like shit. She got pregnant and ran away from them all to start a new and happy life with her child only for it to die shortly after birth. She tried to end her pain and not even that worked out. Carlisle swooped in and turned her. All this happened to her but here she sat in front of me all happy and fucking smiling.

I wanted to know why I couldn't be like that? Why things never got better for me. Why was it so hard for me to smile and live in a world where I could see silver linings in the clouds? It wasn't fair and it just pissed me off! I could feel the gift of her optimism pulsing through her. I got the sudden urge to flip it and make her just as depressed as me. I'd brought her to her knees in tears before and I could do it again. I could make her be unhappy like me…

I gasped in shock and brought myself upright on the love seat. I was absolutely disgusted with myself. How could I think such things about Esme. She's been nothing but nice to me since I arrived and now all I could think about is hurting her because she has something that I don't. Because she's better than me. Because she is in fact the strong one. I'm the weak one. I'm pathetic and stupid. She has the simplest answers to problems that I have to obsess over for months. She understands what she feels and I don't. Life fucked her over and she rose above it, while I stooped to it's level.

"Bella? Honey, what's wrong?" Esme asked suddenly kneeling before me on the couch.

I was an awful person. Filled with nothing but the most revolting qualities a person can have; hatred, disdain, arrogance, maliciousness, and worst of all jealousy. It was my jealousy that killed Bree. I wanted what she had so bad that it made me abandon her when she needed me the most. Maybe I shouldn't be worrying whether Edward would turn on me but whether I would turn on him.

"Bella please talk to me!" Esme sobbed trying to pry my hands from my hair. I looked her in the eyes in confusion. I hadn't even realized I'd been close to ripping my hair from my scalp. I relaxed my hands and my whole body slumped.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry, Esme," I whispered.

"Sorry for what? You haven't done anything wrong," she responded.

"You should hate me. I thought such bad things about you. I'm an awful, awful person. I look down on things I don't understand. I thought that you were pathetic for seeing silver linings in the clouds. I thought your compassion was weak. I didn't understand you and maybe I still don't but I understand myself. I understand how truly far from humanity I've gotten. I understand that I'll do anything to protect myself even if it means stomping on people who may actually care about me. I'm afraid of everything and my fear has morphed into this outward aggression that I can't even control anymore," I said. My voice sounded dead even to my own ears but I was just so tired that I couldn't find it in me to care. I stared up at the ceiling wishing that I could just sleep. I'd never wanted anything more, except maybe to cry. I just wanted to cry and go to sleep but that would never happen. Esme's face appeared above me blocking out my view of the ceiling. I felt her knuckles run soothingly across my cheek but I jerked my face away. I didn't deserve her comfort.

"I wanted to hurt you. I was jealous because Carlisle treats you well. Because you have a clear understanding of love. People have hurt you and you're still happy. I was so fucking jealous that the same isn't true for me. I wanted to see you cry. I wanted to make you feel like I feel," I told her.

Esme sighed and the sweet smell of honeysuckle and peaches washed over my face. For some reason, her scent made me feel even worse. She smelled just as sweet as she was and all I'd wanted to do was hurt her. I had never been more ashamed of myself.

"But you didn't Bella. You didn't hurt me. The fact that you were affected this deeply by having an unpleasant urge shows that you're not as horrible as you seem to think. People who are truly awful just do what they want and not think anything of it. Your remorse is a bright display of the goodness inside you," she replied bringing the back of her hand up to caress my face again.

"I'm not angry at you. The only thing that upsets me is how you're talking about yourself. Bella sometimes things happen in our lives that no matter how hard we try we just can't control. You said yourself that my optimism and compassion is a gift that I was born with. The fact that I can see the good in every situation is something I can't control. Not to mention everyone handles things differently. Our situations were different. I was very happy before I met my husband. I've been around people who've loved and cared for me. You never had that Bella. You can't understand love Bella because…you've never been loved. You've been bred Bella by people filled with hate and malice. How could you possibly know anything else? And then when you finally did see love it was foreign to you.

"But you're here with us now. People who do know love and we're willing and able to not only show you what it is but also give it to you. It comes in many different forms but all of them are in this house and within this family. I love you, Bella and so does everyone else. Please don't beat yourself up about things that aren't in your hands. Because the things that you do have power over, you are trying very hard to fix. I can see so much growth from when we first brought you here. We've been blessed to see your pretty smile, you've stopped hiding beneath Edward's clothes, you don't fear physical contact or feel like you're constantly under attack. You've built relationships with all of us. You and Jasper are even civil to each other. And most importantly you've changed your diet. I know it's hard but you haven't given up and whether you notice or not you're starting to see things a bit clearer now. You're well on your way to happiness Bella. It may be a struggle to get there but as long as you have faith and the drive to keep going, you'll get there."

Esme scooped me up in her arms and tucked my face into the hollow of her neck cradling my head and rubbing my back. She held me tight and I eventually wrapped my arms around her as well. Softly, she began to sing the words to "Prelude to a Kiss" by Alicia Keys. Her voice sounded so beautiful and soothing. I relaxed against her and closed my eyes because in Esme's arms, the woman I'd deemed pathetic and weak, I felt safe.

_**Edward**_

Coming home to find Bella and Esme curled up on the couch together was surprising to say the least. But what was more surprising is how jealous I was. It was my own fault though. I'd been making sure that Bella's decision about where our relationship would go was not being clouded by me being all over her. I didn't want her to think I was trying to tip the scales in any way because even though I wanted to be with her, I wanted her to be happy more.

I missed being able to hold her though. I missed knowing that it was my presence she sought out when she needed comfort. Watching the two women before me made me feel like I'd abandoned, Bella. I could tell by the way that they were clinging to each other that Bella had been upset and instead of me being there for her, she'd had to turn to my mother. Another part of me felt like Esme had taken my spot and that was the source of my jealousy. I knew that, that probably wasn't at all what was going on here but that's how it felt. And it stung.

Bella was sitting sideways in Esme's lap with her face tucked and arms wrapped around her neck. Esme's arms were around Bella's waist with her head buried in Bella's hair. I could hear from their thoughts that they both realized everyone had walked in but neither of them cared. They were having a moment and my siblings and I respected that. We all pressed forward quietly and quickly to give them their privacy.

I went up to my room and flopped down on my bed. I kept trying to hear the thoughts of Esme and Bella but I found myself cut off. I wasn't surprised in the least because Bella had no problem taking away gifts whenever she felt like it. Usually it was only mine and Jasper's though. She felt that not only she but everyone else in the house deserved to feel and think what they wanted without having someone else be privy to those things. She'd said it was also for our own peace of mind. That we would grow to love having the only thoughts and emotions going through be our own. She had been right too. After Jasper and I got over the odd feeling of being without that special part of us, we'd quickly gotten spoiled. Jasper however didn't know Bella was doing him a favor. She forbade me to tell him since they'd agreed to keep out of each other's way. He thought that Bella just got a kick out of fucking with the family's gifts.

Two hours pass before I hear Bella sigh from down in the living room and a few seconds later her foot steps coming up the stairs. It wasn't long before she appeared in my doorway. She stood there looking more insecure than I'd ever seen her. I was more intrigued than ever to know what she and Esme had talked about. I sat up in bed pressing my back against the headboard and held out my hand beckoning her to join me. She crossed her arms over her chest and moved slowly toward the bed before crawling up to where I sat. She rested on the backs of her legs and kept tugging on the sleeves of her sweater.

"_How was school?" _her thoughts reached out to me finally.

"Fine. Are you okay?"

"_I will be soon."_

"I'm happy to hear that."

She offered me a small smile before looking away again. She seemed so nervous and I hate seeing her like this. She hasn't been nervous around me in…ever. Bella has never been nervous. Whatever happened earlier in the day really affected her.

"_I'm going to fuck up. Probably a lot. When I don't know how to handle a decision, I'm aggressive and I'm mean. Ever since you've been in my life, I feel more inclined to change that though. When I'm with you, I feel like happiness is within my reach and I think that you could help me get there. I'm still scared and maybe a part of me will always be scared. There is a strong level of trust between us though and I can't deny that. I told you before that I've never known anyone who didn't betray. Well there's a lot of people who I've betrayed as well. I think that you should know that because you'll be taking a leap of faith with me too. Knowing all of that, if you still want to jump then I'll jump with you because you are very worth it, Edward Cullen."_

I saved my reply until she was looking me in the eyes. Despite their red color, her eyes were wide and childlike. They were beautiful and endearing to me. I smiled at her and cupped her cheek in my hand before kissing her forehead. After a week of not being able to touch her this way, a chaste kiss to the forehead felt like so much more. The same must have went for Bella because her eyes fluttered closed and the only thing I was getting from her thoughts was real live swooning.

"Knowing all of that, I am more than willing to jump with you, Bella. I know there are a lot of things you need to work through but now we can do it together. I'm ready for whatever you've got Swan because the bad only makes the good better," I replied.

Her responding smile lit up her entire face. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I wanted to take a picture and frame it for my nightstand, laminate it on my notebooks, and carry it around in my wallet.

"Will you hold me now?" she asked a bit shyly opening her arms to me.

I laughed and quickly pulled her into me. She giggled as her body landed quite haphazardly in my lap.

"How I've missed this," I murmured ducking my face into her neck and breathing her in.

"You?" she replied incredulously squeezing me tighter. "I thought I was going to suffocate in the space you kept putting between us."

"I'm sorry. I just wanted you to be sure," I replied.

"I'm pretty sure I did."

I sighed in content. I couldn't believe that Bella had said yes. I hadn't been sure she would. She had though and it seemed like I was getting every thing that I wanted. Now that I had Bella I couldn't think of much more that I needed.


	29. Chapter 29

_**SM owns.**_

**_Much better than the rest, Mommakat is the best!_**

* * *

_**Bella**_

Progress. Glorious, glorious progress. My eyes were no longer red at all. They weren't gold either but they were a vibrant orange. The color of an orange poppy flower. It was strange and would probably freak a human out more than the red but it was beautiful to me. It showed how far I'd come. I was doing good. I felt so proud of myself.

"I'd never thought I'd see someone more conceited than me, but if you look in the mirror any longer you're going to give me a run for my money," Rosalie said.

"Shut up," I retort glaring at her over my shoulder.

"Leave her alone, Rose!" Alice snapped taking my side before flashing me her prettiest smile. I took a step back from the little pixie. Nothing good ever came from the smile and she was holding her hands behind her back surreptitiously. My good mood was suddenly overshadowed by worry.

"What's behind your back?" I asked as she drew near.

"Now Bella I need you to have an open mind about this," she began. Rather than respond I just waited for her to continue and she did. She pulled a white shirt from behind her back. It had a turtle neck and short puff sleeves. With very _short _puff sleeves.

"No."

"Bella please! What's the difference between the scars on your face and neck from the ones on your arms," Alice asked. "Plus it's like a trade off because this shirt will cover your neck!" she added gleefully.

I stared at the shirt for a long time. It was really pretty and ethereal with a turtle neck with delicate piping on the sleeves, three pearl buttons and a small beige lace overlay on the chest. Lately I'd been trying to keep with plans of moving forward and not being inhibited by my past. My scars though would always be a somewhat sensitive subject to me. They represented so much of myself that I just wished had never happened, so many of my regrets.

I couldn't change any of that now though. And maybe my arms were not too disgusting, but in a house full of other vampires with smooth and flawless skin, I would stick out like a sore thumb. However I already did stick out like a sore thumb. The scars on my neck, along my jaw, and the one over my eye were ones that usually went unhidden. The Cullens never mentioned them or seemed to pay much attention at all. I'm sure the same would go for my arms.

"What would I wear it with?" I asked.

"Charcoal cigarette pants, black ankle boots, three gold bangles and a simple gold chain," she said placing each item across Edward's bed as she called them off.

I glanced at Rosalie and she shrugged. "You're the only one who focuses on them," she said confirming what I'd already thought.

I sighed and scooped up the clothes Alice set out and took them into the bathroom to change. When everything is on, I take more time in front of the mirror. I do look nice and my arms, I guess, aren't as awful as I'd thought. I stepped out of the bathroom slowly and Alice squealed in delight upon seeing me. She launched her tiny body over to me and wrapped her arms around my waist.

"You look so pretty!" she exclaimed and I smiled, feeling a little embarrassed by the compliment.

"Thank you," I replied.

Alice squeezed me one last time before dancing away leaving Rosalie and I alone.

"You really do like pretty, Swan," Rose smiled and I rolled my eyes.

"And you wonder why I'm so conceited now," I responded.

She laughed and linked her arms with me as we headed out of the room behind Alice. We went down the steps slowly and I tried to settle my nerves. I was fairly sure that the Cullens wouldn't say anything about my arms. However, they wouldn't be able to hide the reaction in their eyes and that's what I wanted and feared to see. We reached the living room and everyone glanced up at our arrival but none of them were nonplussed except for Emmett who was grinning and beckoning toward Rose, Alice who was still riding the high of seeing me in something other than long sleeves and jackets, and Edward whose eyes never left my own as he smiled at me. He seamlessly shifted the piece he was playing on the piano to my song.

"_Thank you," _I thought coming to sit beside him. I leaned over and kissed the spot I knew he liked so much between his ear and the start of his jaw.

Things between us had been going exceedingly well. Things sort of just seemed to click after I agreed to be his…well one thing had gone great. I didn't know what we called ourselves. We were both over a hundred years old. I would feel like a fool calling myself his girlfriend. It would be even worse to call him my boyfriend. After all we'd been through together it just didn't seem like enough. Not to mention it was just fucking childish. I'd considered lover but that wasn't exactly true and just seemed a bit off. Other things like companion, partner, and significant other just seemed to be a bit stuffy and not right for us. There was something that came to my mind a few nights ago but it worried me.

My Edward. _Mine_.

The problem with just going around saying that Edward was mine was that it sounded so territorial. It was possessive, like I was staking my claim, like I owned him. Edward had said that to me before I'd made a huge deal about it, telling him how that was what I wanted for us. Now that we were together though, saying that he was mine felt natural and right. I was confused about why that was and it was really too much to think about at the moment. I was proud of my eye color, proud that I was bold enough to wear shorts sleeves, and Edward was playing my song. I'd worry about labels later.

"Bella, Rose and I are going shop…," Alice began but I cut her off instantly.

"See you later," I said before she could even ask if I wanted to come. Shopping with Alice was like tiring and since vampires had unlimited energy that was really saying something.

"I wasn't even going to ask you to come!" Alice pouted. "I was just going to ask was it okay if I get you a few more short sleeved shirts!"

I instantly felt guilty. Alice really was being great about my limits as to things I would wear and things I would not. I stood from the piano bench and gave her a hug. I found myself being more and more affectionate lately. It was odd. It just happened impulsively and I couldn't stop myself.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Go ahead and get the shirts. But only a few," I said pointing my finger at her for emphasis. She nodded her head before leaving with Rose.

"You've been um quite loving lately," Edward said low enough for only my ears.

"_I know!" _I exclaimed in my head. _"It's like Tourette's or something!"_

He chuckled and shook his head at me. We sat at the piano for a long time before moving to the couch to watch a movie. Right when the opening credits started though, Edward's cell rang. It was Carlisle saying that, if Edward wanted to come and sit in on a harvest, Carlisle could get him into the operating room.

"Rain check?"

"You're going to go!"

"Well…if you don't want me too. Then I won't."

"It's not that," I said shaking my head. "I just…I mean you'd be able to handle it?" I asked finally getting out what I wanted to say.

"Yeah," he nodded slowly. "I've been to med school three times already. I'd like to get to where Carlisle is and eventually be a doctor too. He lets me sit in on some surgeries so I can get used to the open smell," he told me.

Of course I knew all this from reading his diaries but now that I was feeding off animals it sounded more outrageous. More courageous, brave, and audacious. I was amazed by this man in front of me more and more everyday. I smiled up at him feeling something swelling in my chest and kissed his lips slow but deeply.

"Good luck," I breathed after pulling away.

He leaned in and kissed me again before thanking me. He went to change his clothes into something that looked a little more like an astute and driven teenager; khaki pants, button down shirt, and brown loafers. He looked fucking adorable. It took all I had not to smother him in more kisses as he walked out the door. I sighed and settled back into the couch to find something to watch on TV until Edward got back. I didn't want to watch the movie without him. The house was unusually quiet for a Saturday. Esme was in her study doing some sketches for the house on the island Carlisle had purchased for her. I couldn't believe that he'd done that and what was more astounding was that he'd had the money to. How much did a fucking island cost anyway and who did you talk to about purchasing an actual piece of the earth?

Jasper was up in his room reading some Civil War lieutenant's memoir. He was obsessed with that shit. He had an entire section of the library filled with those types of books. I knew that he fought in that war when he was human but wouldn't that make him have some sort of aversion to it. I'd fought in plenty of battles and now I couldn't even stomach movies like Saving Private Ryan or even fucking Forrest Gump! The war I'd been in hadn't even been anything like that stuff. I just knew that it was a war and was completely turned off by it. I could never entertain myself with watching that kind stuff anymore.

_**Jasper**_

I loved my family very much and I enjoyed every second of my time with them. However when the house was sparsely populated and everything was quiet, I reveled in it completely. I really enjoyed quiet time and also not having to feel so many emotions at once. At the moment the only thing, I felt was inspiration coming from Esme and contemplation from Bella. Since I was reading these were things that didn't distract me from my book at all.

Hours passed like this until I heard a sound that I'd never thought I'd hear around the house. A heartbeat. It was coming toward us slowly but steadily. I stood up to look out my window but suddenly thirst like no other hit me hard and strong. It was so powerful that it took a few seconds to realize that it was not my own. It was Bella's. My cell started to ring but I didn't even bother answering it. I knew who it was and most likely what her warning was going to be. Esme and I moved into action at the same time but I was faster and got downstairs first.

The following moments were an amazing moment of synchronization between Esme and I. The human was close to the house now and his or her smell was in the air. Esme went to the door as I went to handle Bella. We'd all seen Bella in action and we knew that when it came to something she really wanted, the girl had no scruples. I was better equipped to handle that than Esme. Bella was already on the move but luckily not out of the house yet. She was close to the back door but luckily, with some fancy footwork, I was able to leap over and land between her and the door.

Bella hit me with the force of a Mack truck. The windows in the room shuddered, one actually cracked, and a few of the pans hanging above the stove clattered to the floor. I tried to brace myself for the impact by putting one foot behind me. It worked to an extent but the tile on the kitchen floor was ruined. I swung her around and pinned her against the wall to keep her from getting to the human that was rapidly approaching the front of the house.

Seeing as I was the newbie vegetarian before Bella, battling her thirst along with mine was a feat worthy of a Nobel prize or something. Her thirst was overwhelming and all consuming. The human was walking up the steps of the porch and the pain in my throat was so intense that part of me wanted to just say "Fuck it" and share the kill with Bella. The only thing that stopped me was the second emotion that was starting to creep out of Bella and into me.

Fear.

I looked down into her eyes and saw that they were black as night. They were wild and feral with need but there was also pleading there as well. I realized that I wasn't having a hard time at all to restrain her. It dawned on me that she, in fact, _wanted_ me to restrain. She was gripping the front of my shirt in her fists so tight I feared her fingers would crack and crumble. Her chest was heaving with every burning breath she took in and staring at me with eyes begging for my help. I worked to get myself under control and clear my head. I had to get both of us through this.

We could hear Esme open the front door just after the human knocked. Unfortunately a wind blew simultaneously carrying the scent of the human in and through the house. Bella growled loudly in pain as her control broke and she tried to push past me. I used all my strength to force her back into the wall making a Bella shaped hole behind her. I covered her mouth with my hand and looked into her agonized eyes.

"Stop breathing," I whispered to her and she immediately complied. "I'm going to move you and get us to a place farthest away from the scent," I told her and she nodded.

I scooped her up into my arms and rushed us down to the basement and kicked the door closed behind us. I proceeded to the laundry room where I opened the washing machine and filled it with bleach.

"Put your head in there," I instructed her. "It's going to burn your nose but it'll completely overpower the scent of the blood. Bella dropped to her knees and stuck her head in the front load washer. She breathed in the bleach and choked and growled at the burning I'd warned her about. I sat beside her and I tried to breathe in the stench of the bleach too. I listened to the human talking upstairs to Esme. Apparently he was camping in the woods and a couple of bears came and completely ruined his campsite and the tires of his RV. He'd walked in here in search of a phone to call for help. For some reason, that just pissed me off…

"What the fuck was he doing camping in this part of the woods!" Bella snarled from inside the washer.

"My thoughts exactly!" I exclaimed.

Bella and I stayed in the laundry room as Esme entertained the human until AAA came. After he'd gone, Bella emerged from the washer and collapsed back on the floor. Her hands came up to cover her face and the emotions rolling off her were just depressing; chagrin, defeat, anger, and hopelessness.

"Bella you did very well. It's no reason for you to feel this way," I told her gently hoping it was okay that I talk to her now that the crisis was averted.

"I still want him. I still hear his heart beating in my ears. I've thought of eighty-nine plans to get past you and Esme, find the human, take him down along with the AAA guy, and a cover story to keep the rest of you out of trouble. And all the while I'm thinking this Edward and Carlisle are elbow deep in human blood and taking it all in stride," she replied and the tone of her voice was dead.

"Bella, Edward and Carlisle have been abstaining from the moment they awoke from the change. Carlisle is almost four hundred years old. Edward is almost one hundred and ten. You've been abstaining for a month after having all the human blood you wanted for over a century. They are seasoned veterans. You're just starting out and you managed to control yourself enough for that human to walk away from this house unharmed. That's amazing! I was where you are but the human who crossed my path didn't survive. In fact the first ten humans that crossed my path after I changed my diet didn't survive," I told her.

She brought her hands down from her face and sat up on the floor rearranging herself so that she was sitting beside me with her back against the washer.

"How did you do it? How did you get where you are now?" she asked.

"Well let's just say I learned the bleach trick early on. But what really helped was Alice. Every time I fucked up, she would comfort me and tell me it was okay but not only could I feel her disappointment, I could see it in her eyes. I hated it and every time I was around a human I remembered the look in her eyes and I just did what was necessary to keep that look away. It was torture but I'd endure anything for Alice," I answered.

Bella nodded her head. "Edward always tells me how proud of me he is. It feels good to hear him say that. I don't ever want to disappoint him either," she told me.

"Use that," I said. "It works."

She sighed and raked her hands through her hair before hugging her knees to her chest.

"I feel like I'm a newborn all over again," she groused.

"I know but just like your newborn year the frenzy will pass," I replied.

"In the same amount of time?"

"That depends on you, on how bad you want to change."

"How long did it take you?"

"Well three months before I stopped slipping all the time and then another four before I could go out in public and remain relatively calm. You're already off to a better start than me though. It'll probably take you a lesser amount of time."

A comfortable silence fell over us for a few minutes. I couldn't believe how calmly we were talking to each other after our somewhat hostile past. I guess it was because I'd long since abandoned my distrust of her. When she first arrived, I was sure she would be the demise of our family. Now I realized that couldn't have been farther from the truth. Especially for Edward. My brooding brother was now the happiest I'd ever seen him. Bella was the complete opposite of his demise. She was his salvation.

"Is it bad that I used the memory of changing humans into vampires to stop myself? I kept remembering all the times I'd bitten people but stopped before I killed them. I told myself that if I could mid-feed then I could definitely stop before I even started," she asked.

"It can't be bad if it worked. The man is still alive, you won't have to see Edward struggle to hide his disappointment, and you're not drowning in guilt," I responded.

She nodded again as a small smile appeared on her face. She glanced at me and I quirked my eyebrow wondering what brought on this sudden spurt of happiness after all the hopelessness that she'd previously left.

"Also…I feel pretty badass right now. Kinda like Dr. Jekyll fighting my own evil or something," she said sheepishly.

I threw my head back in laughter. I'd never heard anybody call Dr. Jekyll badass. Bella tried holding back her own laughter but was unsuccessful.

"BELLA!" Edward exclaimed as he raced into the house. I could feel panic and worry pulsing through him. I sent a wave of calm through the house that had little effect on him.

"Down here!" Bella called and he was instantly kneeling before her clutching her to his chest.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you! Alice called me a million times but they don't allow cell phones in operating rooms. I'm so sorry, baby! Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Edward," she said running her fingers through his hair which I noticed worked magic in calming him down. "Everything is fine," she cooed.

I stood up to leave them alone but just before I got to the door Bella called out to me.

"Hey Empath!"

I stopped and looked at her over my shoulder to find her smiling sheepishly again.

"Thank you," she said. "Thank you so much."

I smiled and nodded my head once, "Anytime."


	30. Chapter 30

_**SM owns.**_

_**This chapter was only revised by me so sorry for any mistakes you might find. **_

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_**Edward**_

"I'll never tire of seeing that on your face," Esme commented as she pushed the cart down the cereal aisle. I'd accompanied her to the grocery store because her usual shopping buddy Bella was in no shape to be around this many humans yet. She was still reeling from the incident two days ago.

"What?" I asked quirking a brow in her direction as she debated Cheerios over granola. I always admired Esme's dedication to our charade. She tried the hardest of all of us and it paid off. She came off the most human and humans didn't shy away from her as much as they did the rest of us.

"That smile. Your always smiling now and it's wonderful to see," she answered glancing at me over her shoulder.

"It feels wonderful," I replied.

I knew that life with me hadn't always been easy on my family, especially Jasper. I could be a moody son of a bitch at times and I realized that it could be quite frustrating to live with someone like that. My brooding had diminished greatly since the arrival of Bella and it seemed like everyone, not just me, was very happy about that.

"You two are very good for each other," Esme said meaning Bella and I.

"Yeah?" I replied, my smile growing. Bella and Esme had grown very close. It seemed to me that Bella was closer to my mother than she was with Rose. And because of that, hearing those words from Esme meant a lot more to me than if anyone else had said it.

"Yeah," she smiled. "You two bring out the best in each other. She makes you see the good in life where you previously wouldn't have. She brings out the, compassionate, loving, and warm side of you. You bring out the hopeful, sweet, and kind side of her. When you're together there's this visible and obvious connection between you. It's really great to see you share that with someone," she said.

"I just want to make her as happy as she makes me. I love her so much and every time I see her smile I'm just over the moon," I replied. "I just wished she loved me back," I added.

Esme sighed heavily and nodded her head. "It's hard to tell what Bella is thinking, even for you. She doesn't understand love because it's never been a part of her life. She very well could be in love with you and if she is she doesn't know what she's feeling. Patience is and always will be the key with Bella. She'll need to work through what's in her head before she even begins to think about her heart," my mother told me.

"I know. I'm willing to wait of course. I'll wait forever if that's what it takes," I said sincerely.

Bella and I were making slow progress but it was progress none the less. I valued how much she'd already given me and the closeness we shared.

"I'm sure it won't take that long," Esme smiled before cupping my face in her hand. "I know I don't have to tell you it won't always be easy and sometimes it'll hurt like hell. That's what love is though. It's just as much pain as it is pleasure but that's what makes it so great. Please cherish what you've found in Bella because love is a very rare beauty."

"I will. I _definitely_ will."

When Esme and I got back home, I helped her put away the groceries and then went in search of Bella. I quickly found her resting on my bed listening to music as always. Her iPod was streaming from the iHome on my desk. I noticed that Bella always forewent using ear buds when she was in the house alone. She smiled when I walked in the room and beckoned me toward her. I moved to the bed and sat beside where she laid. I ran my fingers through her silken mahogany locks and kissed her forehead.

"How was shopping?" she asked.

"Okay," I shrugged.

"Is it weird that I miss it? I've been lying in this bed all morning completely jealous that you were out there helping Esme pick out the best looking fruit," she laughed.

"That is very weird, I'm afraid," I nodded. She giggled and pulled me down to lie on top of her before locking her legs around my waist.

"I missed you too," she whispered kissing my lips.

"Well that's not weird at all," I replied with a small smile.

She kissed my lips in what was supposed to be just a sweet peck but quickly turned into something hot and needy. My venom rushed south and I knew that things needed to slow down. I broke the kiss rather abruptly but that didn't deter Bella. Her lips traveled to my neck and she rolled her hips up to rub against me. I groaned at just how good it felt. I could feel her warmth radiating through her jeans and it was driving me crazy. Her body was completely wrapped around mine but I needed to feel her in a different way. I needed to feel more.

Bella must have been feeling the same way because not even a second later my shirt was ripped into shreds leaving my upper body bear. Her hands started at my shoulders and then slowly ran down my chest. The electric sensation that ensued whenever we touched trailed down my skin following her fingers and I shuddered in pleasure. Her hands were so small and so soft. I grabbed one of her hands to kiss her pretty fingertips before she buried them in my hair. I ducked my head to trail open mouthed kisses along the column of Bella's neck. She smelled so sweet and tasted even more so.

I wanted to kiss her collarbone but it was covered with her shirt. My hands moved slowly up torso gliding over the buttons of her blouse and stopping at the top. I managed to flick one open before Bella's hands clamped over my wrists and her body stiffened. I pulled back and looked deep into her eyes. They were panicked just as I knew they would be. I ran a soothing hand through her hair and down her face.

"Why won't you let me see you," I asked. It came out sounding a lot whinier than I'd wanted it to and I grimaced at the sound of it. Bella didn't seem to care though. She let go of my wrists and ran her hands down my chest.

"I'm scarred, Edward. I'm not perfect like you," she whispered.

"No one is perfect," I replied.

"Wrong. Humans aren't perfect. Vampires are."

"I don't care what you look like underneath these clothes. You'll always be beautiful to me."

"If you don't care, why do you have to see?"

"Because I want to know. You've seen basically all of me. I want to know your body like you know mine. I want to feel your skin under my fingers and worship your body like it should be," I answered.

Bella sighed and focused on the glass wall of my bedroom. I felt awful for pushing her but I wanted and needed her to know that there was no need to be ashamed of her body. I wanted her to be comfortable with me and trust me completely. I thought back to what Esme had said this morning about being patient. I didn't need to see her now. I would wait because I wanted her to want me to see her naked. I didn't want her to feel forced. She'd already been forced into too many things. The last thing I wanted was to be apart of the list of people who didn't give a shit about what she wanted.

I started to move my hands away from her buttons but she reclaimed my wrists in her hands. I looked at her again, this time in confusion and worry.

"I'm not going to try and take your clothes off, Bella. I'll wait for you," I smiled kissing her lips sweetly.

"No," she said shaking her head rapidly. "I'm so tired of being afraid of everything but I can't help it! I don't want to ruin the image you have of me. There's this look in your eye that's only there when your watching me. I'm scared that if you see what I look like, I won't get to see that spark in your eyes anymore," she told me.

"Bella, I love you," I told her earnestly. "I love the person you are. I'm not concerned about looks. The fact that I think you're physically the most beautiful girl in the world is just a bonus. The beauty that I see and fawn over comes from here," I said maneuvering my hand to place over her heart even though she still held my wrists in her iron grip.

She looked searchingly into my eyes for an unknown amount of time. It felt like forever. I had no idea what she looking for but the emotion in her eyes were torturous and I wanted to turn away from their intensity. I was trapped in her gaze though. I couldn't have looked away no matter how much I wanted to.

"I know that you say that you don't care what I look like but I'm sure that will change once you see me. Maybe you don't care about physical beauty but that doesn't mean you won't be affected by how repulsive I really am. I'm going to let you take all my clothes off because my hiding is or will become a problem. I'm starting to learn it's best to just tackle the hard shit because the dread that comes with waiting is a bitch," she said staring me in the eyes.

I nodded my head unable to find actual words to say. She took a deep breath and let my hands go before letting her owns fall on the bed.

"Are you sure?" I asked. I knew that she'd just told me all the reasons why she wanted to do this and she sounded resolute but I still had to make sure.

She nodded her head, "All of my clothes," she said by way of reminder.

I sucked in a deep breath and brought my hands back to the buttons of her shirt. I was extremely nervous but I tried not to let it show. I didn't want my nerves to cue hers. I reared back on my heels as Bella bent her knees and let her feet rest flat on the bed. I settled into the space that shift created. She was lying utterly still, not even breathing but watching me like a hawk.

I slowly undid her buttons watching my hands as the worked. When they were all unfastened, I pushed the shirt from shoulders and immediately noticed she wasn't wearing a bra. I moved my hands down to her jeans thinking it was better to get her out of everything before I began my inspection. She lifted her hips when I needed to pull her pants down and I tossed them along with her shirt to the floor. She was wearing pale pink lace panties and I tried not focus on them to avoid getting another erection. Now was not the time for that.

I let my eyes roam her bare torso slowly not wanting to miss anything. So many emotions were roiling through me that my breath began coming out in quick ragged pants. There were scars everywhere but the distribution was heavier in certain places. I was beginning to understand why Bella didn't want me to see her. Her scars were the worst on her neck, breasts, inner thighs, and her hips. She had been bitten repeatedly in these areas and some scars were more raised than others. The scars on the rest of legs were scattered and random but mild just like the ones on her arms, stomach and shoulders. Winding around the tops of her arms and around the middle of her thighs were these splintery lines and I knew they were the scars left behind from where her body had been torn apart. I ghosted my fingers over her stomach and it wasn't until I touched her that I realized she was trembling horribly. My eyes shot up to meet hers and I saw that her bottom lip was trembling as well and her eyes were glazed over. I knew that if it were possibly tears would be streaming profusely down her face.

"Y-you h-h-have to tell m-me what you're th-thinking," she spluttered trying to keep a stronghold over her emotions. "Be honest."

Her voice was so tiny and broken and it crushed me. I could feel a lump forming in my throat. I tried unsuccessfully to clear it before speaking. "I'm horrified," I told her.

Bella emitted a heart wrenching noise that was a mixture of a an agonized groan and a whimper. She squeezed her eyes shut and turned her head away from me. A sob managed to escape her but she gritted her teeth in an attempt to get herself back under control.

"I'm horrified by what they'd done to you," I clarified. "I've never felt hate like this before in my entire existence. I _need_ to fucking destroy them for hurting you, for thinking that they had the right to… _mutilate_ you!"

Mutilate was a strong and harsh word. Bella had told me to be honest though and it was the only word that really described what I was looking at.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Bella," I whispered as I pulled my hands away from her body. I clenched my fists and tried to calm myself down but I couldn't. I livid and my venom was boiling inside me with a fiery need to annihilate. "I'm so sorry that they hurt you. I'm so sorry that you feel ashamed and that you can't be comfortable in your own skin. I stand by what I said before though. You're still beautiful to me. I still love you. It kills me that you've been hurt like this but it doesn't change how happy you make me, how attracted am I to you, and how much I need you in my life," I told her.

Bella slowly turned her face back to me. She shook her head at me and sighed heavily.

"That's the thing though Edward," she said. "It's not about how I look. It's not about feeling sorry for me. There's no need to feel sorry for me. I hate these scars because of what they represent," she said. "These scars are an ode to the monster I am. These scars denote the vampires that fought against me and met their end. There scars represent the vampires who I laid down for knowing they were planning to use and degrade me and did absolutely nothing. Those vampires came to humiliate the powerful and fierce Isabella Swan and I let them. These scars depict the two very opposite and most vile aspects of myself. The cruel killer and the weak whore."

"Bella stop fucking talking like that!" I yelled losing control of my anger and letting it fall on the wrong person. I groaned and dug the heels on my hands into my eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you but you are not a monster! You are not a whore! You killed those vampires because if not you would be ashes in the wind right now! I'm glad you killed them because otherwise you'd just be a scar on their body. Fuck them! You can't feel sorry for someone who wanted to kill you. Fuck those men who raped you! They had no right to do this to you. I know that you didn't just let them use you! I know that because if you had they wouldn't have torn you apart in order to do what they wanted.

"You were abused but you're here, you're strong, and you're better than your past! These scars represent the truly awe-inspiring woman you are! Maybe they did ruin your past. Looking back might always be painful for you and I hate that possibility. You just have to keep looking forward though because that's where all the good is! Those people can't do a thing to hurt you now or ever again. You fought for yourself back then and you won. There's no reason for you to feel defeated now! I can see that this is hard for you and I can understand that. You were faced with impossible situations and you had to make impossible decisions. I know that, that has left scars that I can see with my eyes but that's doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't make you a monster. It makes you a survivor."

Bella had covered her face with her hands at some point during my rant. She was still shaking and I didn't know if it was just her nerves or if it was because she was crying. I felt bad for yelling at her but I wasn't sorry for what I said. She told me to be honest and I was. I grabbed her arms and pulled until her face was uncovered. I laced the fingers of both my hands with hers and squeezed them gently.

"Talk to me," I begged.

"You're right, Edward. I admit that but it doesn't change what I see when I look in the mirror. I did survive but I still feel the guilt behind it. I'm not proud of what I see when I look at myself. All I see is the pain that I can't escape no matter how hard I try," she replied. "All I see is the ugliness of my appearance and what've I done."

"How can I change that?" I asked leaning forward and resting my forehead atop hers. She smiled sadly up at me and cupped my face.

"I have to do it myself, Edward," she murmured. She wrapped her arms around my back and hugged me to her bare chest. "You help me every day though. Saying things like you did just now and showing me what it's like to be with you. You do make me happy. You make me see things in a different light and that changes me. It helps me. Just keep being the man you are because it makes me want to a woman that deserves you."

"You aren't undeserving of me. We're good together. We're great together," I murmured.

I rolled unto my side and embraced her as well. I could feel more scars on her back but I didn't need to see them. I let my hands run down her body until I got to her thighs.

"Wrap you legs around me," I said and she immediately complied. I cupped her ass in my hands before standing up. She squeaked in surprised and tightened her hold on me. I lifted the comforter on the bed and then got under with Bella. I covered us and kissed her on the lips. We were alone in the house but I knew that my siblings would come back and none of them had a clear understanding of privacy. I didn't want anyone to barge in on us and see Bella clad only in her panties. I was sure she wouldn't appreciate that.

Bella pulled away from me slightly and began undoing my belt. She took off my jeans and tossed them away before wrapping herself around me again.

"That's better," she sighed.

We laid in silence just holding each other and listening to the music that wafted through the room. Justin Timberlake was singing everything that I felt in his song "Take It From Here". I pulled Bella closer as she ran her fingers through my hair. The melody was soft and soothing. It was just what we needed after that tense moment we'd just had. I sighed in contentment and closed my eyes wishing I could just fall asleep with her. This beautiful broken girl in my arms was everything I could ever want. Then all of a sudden something hit me….

"Wait a minute!" I exclaimed pulling back just enough to see her face. "Is this is a Justin Timberlake song on your iPod?" I asked incredulously.

"Shut up!" Bella grumbled sheepishly. "He has many pretty songs."

"That's because he's a pansy. We're listening to a pansy right now."

"He is not! This song is beautiful!"

"Bella if liking Justin Timberlake doesn't prove you're not a monster I don't know what will."


	31. Chapter 31

_**SM owns.**_

_**Thanks Mommakat!**_

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_**Bella**_

Edward thought it was so hilarious that I liked Justin Timberlake. He just went around the house singing his songs randomly throughout the rest of the week. It was driving Emmett crazy and while I pretended to be miffed about his poking fun at me, it was actually the highlight of my days. His singing voice was so beautiful. I found myself actually hating to hear Justin sing the songs because my baby put Timberlake to shame.

"_Dirty babe. You see these shackles, baby I'm your slave. I'll let you whip me if I misbehave…," _

"Shut up!" I screeched pouncing on top of Edward and covering his mouth with both of my hands. His laugh was muffled under my hands. "It's not funny!" I whined.

He nodded apparently in disagreement. "If I you sing another JT lyric, I _will_ whip you!" I threatened him but that didn't faze him. He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and winked at me. I rolled my eyes at him and planted my hands on my hips.

"I love it when you get all pouty. It makes your lips look divine," he said with his mouth finally uncovered. He lifted his torso and covered my mouth with his. I kissed him back eagerly massaging his tongue with my own. It was so great kissing Edward. It was so great just being with Edward. There was something inside me that just sang when he was kissing me, touching me, talking to me, near me, within miles of me! It was bliss I'd never known before.

Things had been going exceptionally well with us ever since that day I'd let him see me naked. Of course I was naked, but I'd never felt so exposed in my entire life. I was vulnerable, shy, and nerve racked. Edward soothed that all away with honesty and his passion. Yeah he'd yelled a bit but I knew that none of his anger was toward me. Maybe it was odd but I liked seeing him worked up over what I'd been through. It made me feel like the rage I felt was okay. That it was normal.

A few rays of sunshine came through the clouds and I abruptly pulled back from our kiss before cupping his face in both my hands. I had to see his face as it sparkled and glittered like a diamond of the greatest clarity and brilliance. I looked into his golden eyes and smiled. He was such a beautiful man. So painfully perfect.

"You look really happy," Edward murmured.

"I think that's your fault," I replied, mock glaring at him.

He smiled my favorite crooked smile, "I love you," he said and immediately kissed me. It was just a sweet little peck on the lips but it bothered me. Not the kiss itself but the fact that he did it so quickly He left no room for me to respond to what he said.

I realized that this was a stupid reason to be upset. Edward had told me he loved me a million times before and I never said it back. There was absolutely no reason for him to think that I would, but it was that very thing that made me uneasy. Did he have no hope at all that I would feel that way for him as well? Was he okay being in love with me unrequitedly? I didn't want him to be okay with that.

"What just happened?" Edward asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You were all smiley a few seconds ago and now you're all frowny."

"Frowny? That is not a word."

"That is an evasion."

"Take the hint then, baby," I smirked. He sighed exasperatedly but didn't pursue the issue. We lounged around in the meadow for a few more minutes before going back home. As we were walking in the door Rosalie and Alice were preparing to walk out. Alice linked her arm through mine and kept walking forward, effectively dragging me backward.

"You're coming with us!" she chirped. "You've gotten out of shopping plenty of times but not today. Don't worry, I've checked the forecast and your control is strong enough. You won't kill a soul!" Alice told me, leaving me with no valid out. I pouted but submitted to the little harpy. We piled into Rosalie's cherry red Mercedes and sped off toward Port Angeles. Alice wanted to go to Olympia but apparently the humans were tastier there because she said I would run into problems.

I didn't really care either way. I wasn't into shopping like she and Rose were. Plus my mind was preoccupied. I was still thinking about Edward and what happened in the meadow. It was truly silly of me to be upset that he didn't pause and allow me time to respond to him. The only acceptable response to that is to simply repeat back. So the question I had to ask myself was if I wanted to.

I thought the way I'd been feeling before he said it. My mind had been filled with all the great things about him and why he was so special to me. I'd never felt the way I feel for Edward before. I never felt love before either so there was a real possibility that I really did love him. I recalled the things Esme had told me about love and the things Edward was always saying to me about how he felt. I could say all of those same feelings were true for me about him. And if his combined feelings equaled love then that would mean that I loved him as well.

I wanted to love Edward. The idea of it actually made me smile, it also made me cringe. Maybe I was being an idiot but I just kept thinking about Lucas. Telling him I loved him made that relationship better and worse at the same time. I'd like for Edward to know that I really do care about him more than anyone else but not if it was going to change what we had for the worst. It was wrong of me to compare Lucas with Edward though. I didn't even know what Lucas was to me anymore and the two couldn't be any more different. Their personalities were almost completely opposite. Edward was a good man, really good. Things were already great between Edward and I but maybe if he felt secure in my feeling for him they would be even better.

"Okay Bella, this won't be easy but you'll eventually have to learn to be around humans again," Alice suddenly said, breaking me from my reverie. "Your throat will burn like crazy but you can handle it. You know that you can, right?" she asked, turning in her seat to look at me. I nodded my head and took a deep breath while the air was still clear. I knew that if need be I could just stop breathing but I knew that the burn would still linger. I wasn't too excited about it but I was confident that I could control myself.

We eventually found a parking spot on a street lined with cute little boutiques, shops, and restaurants. I hadn't even gotten out of the car and the scent of human blood had filled my nose. The sound of beating pulses pounded almost deafeningly in my ears. My entire body stiffened and I slumped in the backseat with my fists balled on top of my thighs. Already this was harder than I'd expected. Rose and Alice were already out of the car but I couldn't move. I was too scared of what I'd do once my body was in motion.

I sat there fighting through my thirst and thinking of all the bad things that would happen if I gave in to the craving. We were in a crowded area and if I went on a rampage the Volturi would be here not only to off me but all of the Cullens as well. I did not want to be the cause of a Cullen bonfire. I cared about those crazy fuckers and if all I had to do was stay away from these sweet, warm, delicious, mouthwatering humans to protect them then I would do it.

I closed my eyes and took in one last burning breath before I stopped inhaling completely. I got out of the car and joined Alice and Rose on the sidewalk. We fell into step as they flanked me. I followed them but I wasn't really paying attention to where we were going. I couldn't take my eyes off the humans. Their veins had never been more visible to me than in this moment even though there were dark sunglasses covering my eyes. My irises weren't red anymore but the brilliant orange color they were now would still alert the humans. As I looked at them now though, their flowing blood was mocking me through their pale skin. Even my teeth were starting to hurt. I just needed to bite so badly.

We entered some place and my eyes sought out the pretty young girl shopping with her boyfriend. She was talking animatedly, asking for his opinion on a hideous skank dress she was trying on. My eyes traveled over to the boyfriend and I so foolishly gasped in surprise taking in a large tortuous breath. His scent along with every other human's in the place filled my lungs and I whimpered in pain.

He must have heard me because he turned around and looked at me. His eyes lit up with recognition. He smiled and began making his way over to me. I knew that I should have stopped breathing but I couldn't. Instead I took in short quick breaths just putting myself through sheer agony.

"Hey Bella!" Mike exclaimed. "Where you been hiding? I haven't seen you since…the last time," he said lowering his voice and glancing back at his girlfriend who was watching us closely. I could see that she was a bit scared of me and that was stopping her from coming over to see who the hell had stolen her boyfriend's attention.

"I went back home for a while. To visit my friends," I lied, eyeing that beautiful vein in his neck. I had come too close to claiming it before. I sort of felt like it was mine and I fucking wanted it. Now.

Alice and Rosalie grabbed both my wrists but I didn't budge.

"Hey Alice. Rosalie," Mike nodded looking between the three of us nervously. They spoke to him and chatted about something I didn't hear. I was too busy breathing him in and trying to make myself stop.

"Oh Jessica, this is my friend Bella. She's Alice and Rosalie's god-sister. Bella this is my girlfriend, Jessica," Mike said pulling me out of my head.

I looked up just in time to see him gazing into Jessica's eyes. I gasped again at the expression on both their faces. It was a look I knew well. I recognized it and I identified with it. They were in love.

"Pleased to meet you, Jessica. You're a very lucky girl," I said.

"Thanks! Pleased to meet you as well," she said, extending her hand to me. I shook it and bit back a growl. Her skin was hot and pulsing. I wanted her but I reigned myself in because this girl loved Mike Newton and he loved her. I didn't want to be the one to separate them.

"We'll see you guys at school!" Alice chirped pulling me back toward the exit. I followed her with Rose walking behind me. Once we were back outside I took another deep breath. The air was still heady with human blood but it wasn't as bad. Plus I knew that I wouldn't hurt anyone. I would be okay.

"You did really well, Bella," Rose said placing her hand on my shoulder. "You should be proud. I am."

"They loved each other," I replied.

I guess that was an odd response to what Rose had said because she and Alice exchanged a questioning look. I didn't care though because I knew what I meant. I followed Alice and Rosalie from store to store trying on things when I was told and commenting on things I was asked about. I wasn't really into shopping but I played along though because Alice wanted me too. After walking for so long though, a familiar sound reached my ears. It was a sound that I'd heard constantly for 36 years.

The Pacific Ocean.

I moved toward the sound as a sense of sadness and nostalgia washed over me. I walked until I was standing at the end of the old dock where Rosalie had found me. So many memories flooded my mind and my eyes blurred as venom welled in my eyes. I sat down on the dock and let my legs dangle over the edge. The sound of the water soothed me just like it had for all those years. I closed my eyes with a sigh as I felt the water misting over me with the breeze.

It wasn't long before I was joined on the dock by Rosalie. She didn't say anything but her presence made me sadder.

"Thank you," I murmured abruptly.

"For what?"

"Everything," I replied looking over at her. "For finding me, not hurting me, saving me, taking care of me, and for being my friend…and my sister."

I was feeling so much in that moment and it was a little overwhelming. I'd never seen the Cullens as anything more than a coven. They referred to each other all the time in familial terms but I'd always thought it just part of the charade they were playing with the humans. I realized now though that it wasn't. They weren't related by blood but they were a family and even though it had never been discussed I knew that I was now a part of that too. The knowledge made me…happy.

"You don't have to thank me. It's what anybody would have done," she replied and I shook my head in disagreement.

"That's not true. Maybe the others would have, like Carlisle or Alice, but not just anybody. If a human had found me, they would have assumed I was just some weird oddly preserved corpse with rigor mortis. I would have been all over the news and eventually buried in a grave. If another vampire had come across me, they would have thought I was defective and destroyed me. Maybe they would have taken me to the Volturi and who knows what would have happened to me there…," I said. "You decided to care for me though. That was more than anybody had ever done for me. I owe you so much for what you and your family did for me. I don't even know how to begin to express my gratitude," I told her.

Rose took my hand and laced our fingers together. "When I saw you there, you looked exactly how I imagined myself to look when Carlisle found me. The scars on your body were horrifying and seemed to be centralized in such private and intimate places. I didn't know everything but I knew that what had happened to me had happened to you at one point as well. I would have hated myself for eternity if I had turned my back on you. I felt a real need to help you. It sort of felt like I was helping myself too. So I should be thanking you too, Bella," she said.

I looked out over the water- it was choppy and getting progressively darker as the sun set. I thought about all those years that I stayed stationary. Rosalie and the Cullens had helped me plenty but those years did too. It was painful coming out of that but I would never regret them. It was what I really needed at the time.

"When I first came here, it was so quiet. It was the middle of the night and the place seemed deserted. I could hear no human hearts or feel any vampires around. All I could hear was the water. My mind was frantic and I was completely on edge. I'd been moving nonstop for days, running, swimming, jumping, and crawling. When I finally stopped here I didn't want to move ever again. I was just so tired and I wanted to go to sleep. I crawled under this dock and made a little nest in the dirt. I was going for something akin to a cradle. I don't know why but that's what I wanted. I laid here because I wanted to rest and that's exactly what I did. It felt so good and I don't know how long it took but both my mind and my body settled. I was at peace. I think a small part of me believed I died, but then you showed up. You coaxed me out of my slumber and now here I am. Alive and rejuvenated. And it feels really, really good."

I looked over at Rosalie and she was already looking at me. She smiling at me in a way that was both sad and happy. I smiled back and though I couldn't see myself I was sure that our expressions mirrored one another's. She scooted closer to me and wrapped her arm around my waist. I hugged her waist too and placed my head on her shoulder. I was sure there were lots of words that went unspoken between us, lots more to say and share but in a way we both already knew those things. We didn't need the words. We just understood.


	32. Chapter 32

_**SM owns. **_

_**Thanks Mommakat!**_

_**

* * *

**_

_**Bella**_

I had no idea where Alice had gone but eventually she came to collect me and Rose from the dock. Apparently there were a few stores we needed to hit before our trip was complete. As we exited the last store I was alive with glee. We were finally done shopping and we were completely bogged down with bags. On the way back to the car I caught sight of a shop I hadn't noticed before. It was pretty small but it still caught my eye.

I stopped in my tracks and just looked at it for a second. Before I knew it there was a staff in my head and notes were falling into place. The melody came to me so easily and it was just like all those decades ago. My feet advanced toward the store and when I was inside I gravitated to what would produce the sound in my head.

The old man working the counter said something to me and I know I replied but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what it was. The music in my head refused to be interrupted or ignored. I moved to the back of the store and ran my hands across the long thin stick and the sound in my head raised in volume.

Aside from the music, a plan began weaving itself in my head as well. It would be the perfect moment. I just hoped he would think so as well. I wanted this to be special for him but I needed a little help. I opened my mouth but before I could even form the words Alice was already answering me.

"I'm handling it now, Bella," she said as I heard her pressing buttons on her phone and the man behind the counter ringing up my purchase. Anticipation and excitement bubbled up inside me until I was practically humming with it.

_**Edward**_

I was worried about Bella the whole time she was gone. I knew that Alice said that everything was going to be okay and that she and Rose would be there to help if Bella needed it. That didn't put my mind at rest though. They didn't know how to take care of Bella like I did. Maybe Rose could get her in line but she didn't know how to stop Bella from obsessing over little mistakes that we'd all made at one point or another. I held my cell in my hand and paced in front of the glass wall in the living room.

"Will you sit the fuck down!" Emmett exclaimed after about an hour.

"I'm worried!" I barked back.

"She'll be fine, Edward," Jasper tried to assure me with a wave of calm. I let it settle over me gratefully and finally sat down on my piano bench facing away from the keys.

I sit perfectly still until I can hear Alice's Porsche approaching the house. I'm getting no thought from the car but that doesn't worry me too much because Bella cuts me off all the time. It's kind of to be expected. I hurried to my room to pretend like I wasn't just out of my mind with worry. Jasper and Emmett burst into laughter at my actions but I don't care. Bella would be pissed if she knew how I'd been acting.

I could hear Bella, Alice, and Rosalie all laughing and talking as they got out of the car and made their way into the house. When Bella finally made it up to my room, I was lying on my bed casually pretending to read a book. I tossed my book aside and hopped off the bed once she crossed the threshold. I took her into my arms and looked into her eyes for signs of stress. Instead I found the opposite, she looked quite excited. I smiled, relieved that being around all those humans hadn't been too hard on her. Under the excitement in her eyes there was a very clear calm that radiated from her and into me.

"Hey baby," she said standing on her tip toes to reach my lips for a kiss.

"Hi."

"Wanna skip school this week? I have something planned."

My eyes widened in surprise and intrigue. I figured her plan was the source of the excitement in her eyes and I was eager to find out what it was.

"I always want to skip school," I shrugged.

"Good," she smiled before kissing me again.

Alice burst into my room a second later with the force of a hurricane and went straight into the closet to pack bags for Bella and I.

"Where are we going?" I asked looking back at Bella.

"It's a surprise," she replied her smile growing on her face to splitting proportions.

I focused in on her and Alice's thoughts trying to glean from their minds what was going on because apparently Alice was in on this. My eyes widened in shock as I realized that they were both mentally singing Carol of the Bells in French.

"Carol of the Bells? Really?" I asked and both she and Alice giggled but offered no other response. "I didn't even know you spoke French," I said turning back to Bella.

"I was born in Louisiana circa 1846. Of course I speak French," she replied looking at me as if I was silly for not knowing this. I guess I was, though.

Alice came out of the closet wielding two small suitcases and handed them both to me before handing Bella the keys to my Volvo.

"Load the trunk, Eddie. Bella's driving," Alice said shooing us down the steps. Bella led the way and I did as was told. After I'd closed the truck, I went blind. Alice had quickly placed a blindfold over my eyes, blocking out the world.

"This is so fun!" Alice squealed clapping her hands excitedly before leading me to the car and guiding me in.

"We'll be there shortly," Bella told me as she joined me in the car. I sat quietly for about 20 minutes while Bella drove. When we arrived, she guided me out of the car and moved me to stand where she wanted me to.

"Are you ready?" she asked from behind me, her lips at my ear. I nodded and she pulled the blindfold from my eyes. I don't know what I expected but I didn't expect to be back at Miller Tree Inn in Port Angeles. "We're going to spend another week here," she told me.

I turned around and gently pushed Bella against the side of the car. "I get to have you all to myself?" I asked.

"Yes."

"All week?"

"Eight Days. Seven Nights."

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"That is the best fucking news, I've ever heard."

She giggled in response and I leaned down to kiss her lips. I was insanely excited about this week. I loved my family and I knew that they all loved Bella. But I couldn't help but be begrudging of the time she spent with them because it was also time that she spent away from me. That would not be an issue this week though. I quickly retrieved our bags from the trunk and we made our way inside. Max, the concierge from the last time, greeted us at the door. He was outwardly warm and friendly but his thoughts betrayed his nerves. He was not excited to be in Bella's presence again. Toward the end of her last stay, she had tried her best to make him comfortable but it just didn't work. He was terrified of her still.

"Great to see you again. Miss Swan. Mr. Cullen. Let me know if you need anything," he said as he hurried past us. We went to our suite, the same one that Bella stayed in before, and unpacked. I plopped down on the bed and instantly Bella appeared and straddled my lap.

"I have something for you, Mr. Cullen," she told me. She was trying to be seductive but I could see the nerves in her eyes. I didn't want to call her on it though, so I played along.

"More surprises," I asked.

She smiled and nodded her head. I grabbed my hands lifted my body until I was sitting upright on the bed. Our torsos were flush against one another and I wrapped my arms around her. She looked into my eyes with a sort of a trepidation that I really didn't like. I brought my hands up to cup her face and kissed her forehead.

"Are you okay?" I murmured.

"Never been better," she replied before pulling away from me and getting off the bed. I wasn't ready for her to be away from me but I let her go anyway. Sometimes it was better to just give Bella her space. I watched as she moved across the room and opened a closet. My eyes widened in surprise when she pulled out a violin and a bow. She glanced at me with a shy smile before coming back to join me on the bed. I stared at her with wide eyes as she settled the instrument beneath her chin. She closed her eyes and positioned her fingers on the strings and then the bow.

The room was dead silent as we both stayed stock still, not even breathing, but then suddenly the room was filled with the most beautiful sound. The melody was strong yet delicate. It was pretty, soft, and soothing. It was the type of music you'd listen to before bed, music that could relax a child into sleep. The sound invoked a happy peacefulness that brought an involuntary smile to my face.

More beautiful than the music itself, was Bella as she played. Her eyes were closed and she was totally immersed in what she was doing. She was entranced by the sound just as I was. Her body swayed gently as her expert fingers moved over the strings gracefully. I'd never seen her face more tranquil than it was at that moment.

The tune came to a pretty end and Bella slowly lowered her instrument to the bed beside her. She opened her eyes and looked everywhere but my face. I couldn't have that though. I leaned forward and caught her chin between my index finger and thumb turning her face toward mine.

"Bella," I began in total awe. "That was fantastic."

Her responding smile was embarrassed and stunning. I dropped my hand from her face and she took it in her own before kissing the palm of my hand.

"I saw that violin today while shopping with Alice and Rose. I haven't picked up a violin or even thought about one in over a 150 years. Today, though, I was thinking of you and when I saw it the music just came to me. You _inspire_ me Edward. You brought music back to me. You don't even have to be around, just the memory of you pushes me toward being better and being happy.

"I brought you here because it was where you played the song you wrote for me. I wanted you to hear what you inspired in me in the place as well. You are the source of everything good inside me. You bring joy, peace, comfort, security, warmth, knowledge and enlightenment to my life. Because of you, I know that my past doesn't have to be my future. I can be better than what I was. I am better than what I was. Being with you makes me feel so many things. So many great things. I've never been happy until I met you and I think I couldn't ever be any happier than when I'm with you. You mean so much to me, Edward and I brought you here because this was where you first told me you loved me. I wanted this to be the place where I told you that I love you, too."

My long dead heart swelled with happiness and oddly enough relief. A part of me thought that I'd go the rest of my existence drowning in unrequited love and never being able to hear her say those words to me. Her declaration was the sweetest thing my ears had ever heard. I felt weightless, freed of all the fear and uncertainties that came with Bella's unvoiced feelings for me. I was soaring with assurance and peace. Not only was it good to know what she felt but it also made me happy to see the progress within her. It was great knowing that she loved me, but it was even better that she _knew_ love. She understood, felt, gave and received it.

I'm sure the smile on my face had grown into a rather goofy grin but I just couldn't help myself. I crawled forward forcing her onto her back. I planted my hands on either side of her shoulders, hovering over her as I looked down into her

"Say it again," I pled.

"I love you, Edward."

"Again."

"I love you, Edward."

I groaned in sheer ecstasy. "I love you too, Bella."

Her arms wrapped around my neck and she kissed me hungrily. I kissed her back matching her vigor. My hands roamed her body freely and it didn't take too long before we started shedding each other's clothes. Bella didn't stiffen or try to stop me once. She was completely at ease as I removed every stitch of her clothing. She was perfectly comfortable lying bare before me.

_**Bella**_

It felt unbelievably good to tell Edward I loved him. It felt right and… completely obvious. The second the words rolled off my tongue I felt silly for not saying it sooner, for not saying it the second I saw him, felt him, heard him. Now that the truth was out everything felt better. Kissing and touching definitely felt better. I didn't blink when he started to undress me. I simply reciprocated.

Edward trailed kisses down my neck and across my collarbone. His mouth felt so good on my skin as he licked and sucked gently. His hands ran up and down my sides as he closed his mouth over my nipple. I arched my back whimpering and he rolled my other between his fingers. He switched off between breasts before continuing down my body. My breath picked up in anticipation. He kissed a path straight down my belly circling my navel with his tongue before moving south and passing over my center completely.

I whimpered again, this time pleadingly. I was aching for him and I just needed some sort of release. The scent of my arousal was thick in the air and Edward's erection was prominent and throbbing. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He reared back on his heels and I tried to close my legs and rub my thighs together for some sort of friction but he wouldn't allow it. He spread my legs wide again as he smirked crookedly and shook his head no. His hand grasped the back of my calf and ran down my leg to my ankle. He lifted my foot, pressing his thumb into my instep before planting a kiss there. He began a new trail kissing up my leg, stopping to pay special attention to that little patch of skin behind my knee.

His mouth was wonderful and he was denying me it in the place where I wanted him the most. I squirmed in frustration but his hands gripped my waist to keep me still. His tongue licked its way up the inside of my thigh all the way to my center. I held my breath in anticipation but he reared back again reaching for my other leg.

"Edward!" I groaned. "Please!"

He seemed to move even slower as he made his way up my leg until he was right where I wanted him. His face hovered above me and I could hear the deep intake of his breath as he breathed me in. He moaned seemingly in pleasure before flattening his tongue against me. He licked from the bottom to the top. He pointed his tongue when he got to my swollen clit and sucked it into his mouth.

I moaned loudly and reached down to fist his hair in my hand. He moaned into me sending really good vibrations through me. He brought his hand up circling my entrance with his finger, teasing me deliciously before plunging two fingers inside me. He stroked me with a slow but building pace. I couldn't stop my hips from rocking on his fingers and face. Everything he was doing to me was beyond amazing and I just wanted _**more**_.

My toes curled as something deep inside me began to tighten and I clenched the sheets in my hands. My moans of pleasure morphed into a high pitched keening and I thought I was going to literally explode. Edward curled his fingers inside me and lightly clamped my clit between his teeth. In that instant I did explode.

"EDWARD!" I screamed as I threw my head back on the pillows and my back propelled into a great arch. My orgasm racked through my body strong and hard. Edward continued to pump his fingers in and out of me bringing me down from my orgasmic high slowly. He came back up to devour my mouth with his own. I could taste myself on his tongue and it spurred me on. I wrapped my legs around his waist eager to feel him inside me.

"You taste so good, baby. So good," he breathed into my mouth.

"I want you Edward, I want you now!"

I rolled us over so that I could be on top. I rose up on my knees above him and he grabbed my waist. I looked into his golden eyes and I saw not only lust but love.

"I love you, Edward."

"I love you, Bella."

I lowered myself onto him taking all of him at one time. His fingers dug into my hips as I groaned loudly in pleasure. He filled me up completely. He was so thick and so long. He was so deep inside me I could feel him behind my navel. My nails bit into his chest as I adjusted to the overwhelming sensation of being joined with him. I rocked on top of him lifting myself off him before coming back down again. Edward growled deep in his chest as he sat up and buried his face in my neck.

"Fuck! Bella you so feel so good. So tight!" he said through clenched teeth.

I nodded wrapping my arms around his neck as he guided my movements. I bit my lip and threw my head back allowing Edward to kiss and nip at my neck greedily. His every move was amazing and I felt it all over my body. I could feel that magnificent pressure building inside me again.

Edward flipped us back over and began thrusting into me with reckless abandon. My hand grabbed his ass trying to push him further into me. I wanted more. Needed more. Always more.

He pushed my right leg over his shoulder, bent his knees under me and pushed himself impossibly deeper. He growled my name out and I knew he was close. We were both so close.

"With me, Edward. Come with me!"

"Fuck Bella!"

His thumb came down and the second it grazed my sensitive button I exploded around him. I screamed his name as his own release claimed him and spurted warmly into me. His eyes were squeezed shut, his brows knit and his teeth were digging into his bottom lip. He was so beautiful.

Edward collapsed on top me breathing heavily into my chest. I clutched him to me not wanting him to ever move again. I'd never felt this close to anyone in my entire life. I'd never experienced anything so mind blowing and intense in my entire existence.

_**Edward**_

Spooning with Bella after sex was nearly as good as the sex itself. Nearly. Our bodies molded together perfectly and knowing and feeling that was wonderful. My hand was splayed over her stomach and caressing her soft skin lazily.

"That was definitely worth the wait," I said nudging Bella's hair away with my nose to expose and kiss the back of her neck. She giggled and nodded her head.

"I guess we did take a while to get to this point. I slowed us down with all my baggage," she said.

I rolled my eyes even though she couldn't see with her back to me.

"You didn't slow us down. We moved at a perfect and natural pace all things considering," I responded. "I wasn't talking about that anyway. I was talking about me waiting to have sex. I'm so glad I waited to share this with you."

I moved to kiss her neck again but I stopped when I felt her body stiffen under my arm.

"Edward…what do you mean?"

She was trying to keep her voice calm but I could feel a storm coming. I didn't reply because I was scared of how she would react. I didn't know what the right answer was to her question. She brought her body up slowly and turned to face me. She stared searchingly into my eyes for a long time before revising her question.

"Edward, were you a virgin?"

I kept my mouth closed because I knew the truthful answer but something told me that was also the wrong answer. I didn't want to lie to Bella but I was suddenly so embarrassed I didn't know what to do. I wanted to hide my face but my fear rendered me paralyzed.

"Answer me!"

I flinched at her tone but somehow found it in me to nod my head. I watched as she brought her hand to her mouth in shock. The shock was nothing though because more than anything Bella was completely horrified.


	33. Chapter 33

_**SM owns.**_

_**Thanks Mommakat!**_

_**

* * *

**_

_**Bella**_

I swallowed thickly and pulled the sheet up to cover myself. It was silly, I know. Edward had already seen everything but it was the only thing I could think to do. My mind was a jumble of thoughts, none of them pleasant. I had done a lot of fucked up things, and I hoped to change that. Apparently though that wasn't going to happen. I was the same monster I'd always been.

"Bella…I'm sorry…I thought…," he began but I growled fiercely cutting him off. I fisted both my hands in my hair in frustration.

"Shut up!" I screamed. "Why are _you_ apologizing! _I'm_ sorry, Edward! I'm so fucking sorry!"

I moved to get off the bed but Edward grabbed my arm. "Wait!" he exclaimed. "I'm confused. What's happening? Talk to me," he begged. I could see the hurt in his eyes and it just made me feel even worse. I pulled away from him and dressed quickly. Edward sat on the bed with his head in his hands. Clearly he was in distress. What the hell had I done? I went over and knelt down between his legs. I pulled his hands from his face and kissed him on the cheek.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I know I messed up but I'll make it up to you. I don't know how but I will. I promise," I told him hoping he could hear my sincerity. He looked at me with an unfathomable expression in his eyes. It scared me and I hoped that his feelings for me hadn't changed. I averted my eyes and tried to back away from him but he gripped the collar of my shirt in his hands.

"You aren't going anywhere," he said, his voice a deadly calm. My mouth fell agape in shock and I stayed where I was. Clearly he was upset and maybe he had a few choice words for me. I stayed where I was knowing that I deserved whatever words he spat at me. I ducked my head and prepared for the worst.

"Every time you can't handle something, you just run away. Stop running from me. Stay here and fucking talk to me. If I did something wrong, you can say it. I won't be offended, I swear. We have to be able to work through things together, Bella," he said gruffly.

I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out. He was right. I was always running, but I didn't know how else to handle things. I had a very strong fight or flight response. When it came to anything physical, I automatically knew to fight. For anything emotional though, my feet were pushed into motion. I had to work to reverse that though, because it was hurting Edward and I just couldn't have that.

"W-we…um…I went about this the wrong way," I stammered dumbly. "I didn't know that this was your first time. It should have been special…with someone special. It should have been with someone better than me," I told him.

"Bella there is no one better than you. And this was special. You whisked me away to this Inn, played a song that you composed for me off the top of your head, and told me that you loved me. I don't regret a thing. It was perfect," he replied.

I shook my head in disagreement. Maybe the set up was special, but I wasn't. Not for him.

"What do you mean, '_not for me_'," Edward asked.

I looked up at him in shock. I didn't even realize I was letting him read minds. What the hell was I thinking? I sighed heavily and sat back on my calves. I didn't know how to say what was bothering me or if it was even the kind of thing you told your lover. I could see that type of information leading to a very unpleasant ending.

"Edward, I promise we'll talk about this. Give me an hour. I'll come back and we can discuss it for however long you want, but I really need to talk to Rose first," I pled with him.

He looked at me for a long time before releasing my shirt. I thanked him before jumping in the shower, changing my clothes, and running back home as fast I could. When I arrived at the house, Rosalie was waiting for me. She spotted me as I approached and met me halfway.

"Alice told me you were looking for me. What's going on?" she asked appearing sincerely worried.

"He was a virgin, Rose!" I exclaimed. That wasn't really the problem but it was a big part of it.

"Was?" Rose repeated with smirk as she quirked a brow. Damn, she was so single minded!

"Yes, Rose! Was! As in I fucked him! But not only did I fuck him! I fucked exactly 124 other vampires!"

If she even attempted to hide her shock, I couldn't tell. Her mouth fell wide open and her eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. I sighed and crossed my arms waiting for her to recover. It took a whole minute. She cleared her throat and shook her head as if to clear it.

"That doesn't matter, Bella," she replied.

I scoffed before throwing my hands up exasperatedly. I shook my head laughing humorlessly. "Of course it matters! If you could have just seen the fucking look on your face! I mean no offense but you and Emmett are some extremely kinky bastards but what I just said repulsed you. Can you imagine what Edward would think? Gallant, gentlemanly, Edwardian Edward would think!" I exclaimed leaning against a tree. I bashed the back of my head against it causing hundreds of leaves to fall and shower me and Rose.

"I wasn't disgusted!" Rose said earnestly taking a step closer to me. "I was just shocked!"

I shook my head in disbelief. Even if she was just shocked, Edward would be repulsed. He'd probably regret sleeping with me again. He'd probably never want to look at me again. After all, hearing that the woman you love has bedded well over a hundred men…and women definitely changes your perception of her.

"He'll be disgusted, Rosalie! _I'm_ disgusted! He's been on this earth for 109 years and has not slept with one person. Not a single one. How can that be! I thought you said he had a thing with that Tanya girl!"

"No, I said that she had a thing _for_ him, not _with_ him," she said.

I rolled my eyes and looked away from her.

"What should I say to him. How can I make this right, Rose?"

Her brows knit in confusion, "What are we trying to make right?"

"He was a virgin, Rose! Clean, pure, and perfect. Now I've gone and…_soiled_ him," I whispered dejectedly.

"Soiled him? Bella you're not dirty."

"124 vampires!"

"And how many of them held you down, forced you, and beat you into submission?"

Her words stung more than I'd thought they would and I winced in response. It was clear that Rose was going to be no help in this matter. She'd gone off topic completely. From a bad discussion to an even worse one.

"You know what, never mind. I'll think of something myself," I said. I turned to head back to the inn but Rosalie came around and stood in my way. She placed her hands on her hips and looked down at me with a perfectly arched brow.

"I want an answer," she demanded.

"What does it matter!"

"Because there's a difference between willingly opening your legs and having them ripped off!"

I winced again. My new diet was wreaking havoc on my well practiced detachment. I was finding it harder and harder not to care about my past and the things that had been done to me. I couldn't discuss those things coolly and calmly anymore. Instead I found my vision blurring and my eyes burning as venom glassed my eyes.

"I want an answer, Bella. How many were you a willing participant with?"

"Five. Including Edward."

"I was wrong."

I looked up at her in confusion. Her face was covered in a mask of fury. I'd never seen Rosalie that angry and I'd seen her extremely pissed before.

"That _is_ disgusting," she seethed. "But you are not. It's disgusting that all those men hurt you. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that. I can't even imagine… the pain…," she trailed off before swallowing thickly. She took another step closer to me and gripped my shoulders tightly.

"You did not soil, Edward. Maybe he was a virgin but he was not pristine in the least bit. That boy has committed very many sins and crimes. It is more likely that he soiled you," she said with a sad smile. "Edward doesn't care about your past. He never has and never will. You are more bothered by these things than he is."

She was certainly right that Edward didn't care about my past. He'd said it many times but for some reason I couldn't get that through my thick skull. He could see past all those things but I couldn't. They weighed heavily on my mind all the time and I wished that I could just let it go.

"Thanks Rose. I don't know what's wrong with me," I sighed running a hand through my hair.

"No problem. You've been through a lot but give yourself a fucking break sometimes, ya know?"

I smiled ruefully and nodded my head. I gave her a quick hug and hurried back to the inn. Instead of going through the front door, I ran around the side and just climbed in the window. I came inside to find Edward lying on the bed still naked with his arm thrown over his eyes. I knew that he knew I was back but he made no move to acknowledge me. I eased onto the bed behind him and kissed him between his shoulder blades.

"We can talk now," I whispered.

He sighed heavily before turning over to face me. He collected me in his arms and buried his face in my hair. I felt his intake of breath as he breathed me in and felt compelled to breathe him in as well.

"What happened," he asked.

"I'm not going to tell you everything because some things I'm just not comfortable saying and you need to respect that. I love you and I trust you with everything I have but I just want to keep certain things to myself, okay?" I began. He acquiesced after a few seconds of silence. "It was shocking for me to hear that you've never been with anyone in that way before. My own past is sordid at best and for me to be the first person to touch you made me feel as if I'd wronged you in some way. Like I had defiled you." I explained.

He pulled back so that he could see my face and then kissed my forehead.

"Bella I understand that your past isn't pretty. I'm sure I don't know everything and I know that I probably never will. What you need to know is that there is nothing you can say that will make me love you any less, that will make me not want to be with you, or that will disgust me. This is not a fair weather type of thing. I'm taking you with the good, the bad, and the ugly because what we have transcends all of that. I fucking _need _you, Bella."

I tried to really absorb and accept what he'd said. It wasn't the first time I'd heard him say that he wasn't going anywhere no matter what. This time I wanted to really get into my head though because all this angst, fear, and uncertainty I was feeling was pointless. Edward was mine and I was his. I made the decision to make this be the last time I second guessed myself or believed that there was something about me that would put him off.

"I love you too, Edward and I'm sorry that I ruined your first time," I murmured.

"You didn't, Bella. It was perfect. I swear to you it really was," he replied with a smile. "Let's just forget all this heavy stuff and move on into my second time, okay?"

Edward rolled on top of me letting me feel his renewed erection. My body responded instantaneously. I was dripping for him in no time at all. I hooked my legs around him and he slid into me with one hard thrust…

"They can just turn their guilt off? What the fuck? I want a emotional switch too!" I blurted.

"You do have one. We like to call it Jasper."

I threw my head back in laughter. "You're quiet Mr. Cullen."

"Why are we even watching this," Edward asked trying to pull my body closet to his, but at this point that was impossible. We were flush against one another, my back to his chest, with our limbs all tangled together as we lounged on the couch.

"I like this show, actually. I'm surprised you don't. You and Stephan could be besties. Plus this Damon character is really sexy," I answered and immediately received a smack on the ass. I yelped in surprise…and delight.

"There will be no ogling of other vampires, real or not," he growled in my ear.

I smiled inwardly reveling in the possessive side of Edward and loving his aggressive side. I turned my head so that I could reach his lips and kissed him.

"I can't guarantee the no ogling thing but, you are the only vampire real or fiction that I will ever love."

His face suddenly turned sullen and I couldn't help but notice that his fictional bestie was currently wearing the same expression on TV.

"Edward?" I asked trying to bring him from whatever he was thinking about.

"You love Lucas," he grumbled.

I sighed and turned off the TV. I turned my body completely so that Edward and I were lying face to face. He was refusing to look at me but I didn't need to see his eyes. His pain and jealously was etched all over his features. I wrapped my arms around him and ran my fingers through his hair.

"The relationship between Lucas and I was very complicated. Love is something that I'm just now figuring out and I think that the best way to describe my feelings for him is like a never ending game of tug of war between love and hate. I could never hate you, Edward. What you and I have is something completely different. I'm in love with you. I've never felt the way I feel about you with anyone else including Lucas. You really do own a part of me that no other vampire or human ever has or ever will," I told him.

"He hurt you, Bella. How could you love him?"

"Like I said. I hate him just as much as I love him. I hate him for the times that he hurt me, and I know it might be hard for you to believe but there was a part of Lucas that genuinely cared for me. All you know is what you've asked about him. You've never asked how many times he saved my life, how many times the fighting was just too much for me and he let me run up north for a weekend to give me time to just breath, or how many times he really confided in me, or how many times we just sang and danced together. There was good and evil in him, just like there is good and evil in me and you," I explained.

"My evil would never hurt you," Edward said.

"And that's why I could never hate you," I smiled. "You and Lucas are different. The way I feel about the both of you is different. You shouldn't worry about him. I don't."

He finally brought his eyes up to meet mine and I smiled, seeing that he wasn't upset as he was before. He wasn't 100 percent okay but he was getting there.

"Tell me more about him," he said.

My eyes widened in surprise. I didn't think that Edward would be interested in actually hearing more about Lucas. Edward had never met Lucas but it was clear that Edward hated him with a passion.

"If you say you care about him then I want to know about him," he continued seeing the shock and disbelief on my face. "How old was he?"

I fixed my face and cleared my throat preparing to answer all of Edward's questions and hoped he wouldn't be upset by anything he learned.

"Well perpetually Lucas is 24, but technically he's ancient. He was a warrior in the age of the Viking. He was turned somewhere around the year 820."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. He's always been a fighter."

"Well what was his gift?"

"He was exceedingly charming and persuasive. Back when he was commanding our troops I would keep everybody at their best. Decreasing qualities that would be useless in a fight and increasing those that would be helpful. I amped everything about Lucas. He could win a fight by just talking to his opponent. His persuasiveness was so powerful that he could practically hypnotize you into believing what he wanted you to…,"

I trailed off as my last statement sparked something inside me. It was actual an epiphany. My mind was racing, trying to pinpoint the exact moment, trying to acclimate to what this realization meant.

"Bella what's wrong!" Edward's voice broke me from my staggering thoughts. His face was hovering above mine covered in concern.

It was so obvious now, that I couldn't help but laugh. Laugh hysterically. My manic laughter only caused the worry wrinkles in Edward's forehead to deepen. "Bella what's going on? Let me see what you're thinking!"

I shook my head as I laughed. My head was no place to be right now. I did manage to answer him though as my hysterics calmed to mere giggles.

"He hypnotized me!"


	34. Chapter 34

_**SM owns.**_

_**Thanks Mommakat!**_

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_**Edward**_

The only thing that stopped me from thinking that Bella hadn't gone crazy was the fact that vampires couldn't go crazy. I had no idea what she was talking about and even less about what she was laughing at.

"Bella, baby, you gotta give me more. What exactly are you talking about?"

"That's how he got me to think he was my mate," she said bringing herself to sitting position on the couch and I did the same. "He fed me a false definition of what mating is so that it fit our relationship and then told me I would eventually wither away and die if I ever left him."

"And you think that's funny!" I exclaimed. I was pretty pissed about the whole situation. Bella kept saying how I didn't know Lucas but I felt like I had a good understanding of the bastard. He manipulated Bella every fucking chance he got.

"Yeah," she nodded. "I mean I kept his gift boosted constantly. I made it possible for him to be able to control the people around him. I basically helped him mindfuck me!" she said bursting into laughter again.

"Will you please take this seriously! Do you still think that man fucking cared about you?" I asked.

"Yes, I do," she answered becoming serious again.

"Are you fucking serious? He probably hypnotized you into loving him too!"

"He didn't."

"How do you know?"

"Because love was never in his definition of what mating was. He never told me he loved me and I was attracted to him the second I laid eyes on him. Before he even knew what my gift was there was a friendship between us."

"I'm starting to think you're delusional," I said before storming off into the bedroom to put on clothes. This was not a discussion to be had in the nude. I came back into the living room and found Bella still sitting on the couch with her legs crossed pinching the bridge of her nose. She had made no move to get dressed so apparently she didn't share my views about having to be dressed when hashing out issues. Even though I was upset, I couldn't help but take note of how sexy she looked. Plus I was elated that she was comfortable enough to be naked in front of me without being self-conscious. I was insanely proud of her.

"Edward, I'm not saying that what Lucas did was right, but because of the circumstances, I'm not angry at him. He didn't lie to hurt me. He just wanted to protect himself. If the tables were turned, I would have done the exact same thing," she said calmly.

I opened my mouth to respond but my cell rang. I considered not answering it but at the last minute decided to pick up.

"What!" I snarled into the receiver.

"Edward, what's going on? I can see you and Bella arguing! You two are supposed to be in post-coital bliss!" Alice asked.

I tried to stop myself from full on growling into the phone. I knew that Alice was only worried and wanted to make sure that everything was okay. I loved her for caring but it didn't make her actions any less annoying. It was better not to say anything at all if you couldn't say anything good. I used that as justification to hang up on my favorite sister.

"No he didn't hurt you physically, but mentally you were. His lie hindered you," I said turning my attention back to Bella.

"Not too much. Maybe I didn't understand love but his lie had nothing to do with that. Plus that was never his intent anyway," she replied,

"And just how the hell do you know what his intent was!"

"Because I know him! Listen, Edward, I don't mean to sound arrogant or anything but do you know how valuable my gift is? I can control up to two hundred vampires within a 25 mile radius of my body. Do you know how useful that is when fighting in a war? There were eight different armies of vampires in the south, all fighting for blood. I could incapacitate almost all of them. Me staying with Lucas was key to not only the survival, strength, and victory for him but also his troops. His lie was not a ploy to harm, it was a strategic move any smart person would have made," she said.

"I wouldn't have done that," I countered.

"That's because you weren't there. The south was a terrible place for humans and vampires alike at the time. The humans were fighting their own war as well but it was worse for the vampires. They had more choices. For vampires it was kill or be killed. You could try to flee but the area was crawling with vampires looking for new recruits who all had shared the same view. You were either with them or against them. You joined their cause or you died. He did what he had to, to keep us alive. I don't blame him for it."

"He wanted to control you."

"Like most commanders of armies do with their soldiers. That's what I was Edward. A solider. You're thinking the worst because of everything else that he did but it's not that big of a deal. People do it all the time. You get to know people who'll help you get to the top. You befriend them and do whatever it takes to keep them on your side."

I growled in frustration and fisted my hair in my hands. There was no way I was going to change Bella's mind about this. I tried to calm down and see things the way she did. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was intent on making Lucas to be the devil incarnate, but wasn't he? He did awful things to Bella. I wanted her to see that and hate him as much as I did. I feared that she might be suffering some kind of Stockholm's Syndrome when it came to him.

I sighed and sat down on the arm of the chair across from her. I tried to think of something to add. Something that would make her see clearly. It was proving to be rather difficult though.

"Edward, what you also need to understand is that I'm not necessarily the victim here. I wasn't completely stupid. Lucas's false definition of mating gave me power over him as well. It excluded love but it kept us on equal footing. He was older than me in every sense of the word. He was smarter, wiser, and the big boss in charge. I did whatever I could to make my anger known. There is a side of me that you've never seen Edward and I hope you never will. It does exist though and it's not pretty. Lucas and I were destructive to those around us, but we were also destructive to one another. I used and hurt him too. The only difference was that he was better at it than me," Bella said solemnly.

I nodded my head because I just didn't have anything else to say. I wanted to be done discussing Lucas and her past with him. She'd told me their bond was complicated and I now knew just how true that was. I would never understand how things worked with them and that was something I would just have to accept and move on. I comforted myself with our new knowledge though. Lucas was not her mate. She loved me just as much as I loved her and there was nothing standing between us anymore.

I wanted us to return to the easy mood we'd been in before all of this Lucas talk. I walked to the bathroom and began drawing a bath for us. When it was ready I stripped out of my clothes and went back to the living room. I leaned against the doorway as Bella looked over at me with a somewhat worried expression. I knew that she was nervous about me still being upset. I smiled to show her that I wasn't. I held out my hand for her to grab.

"I drew a bath. Want to join me?"

She nodded and was at my side in a flash. We climbed into the bathtub and I settled in first offering her the cradle between my legs to rest in. When she relaxed her back into my chest I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the back of her neck. We didn't talk much, just enjoyed the water and the feel of each other's body. The rest of our week at the Inn continued in that state of relaxed bliss.

_**Bella**_

"Sometimes I was jealous that I missed out on all the fighting. Peter and Charlotte were always so fierce. They taught me to fight but I was never like them. They just exuded a lethal air. Like you. I think maybe I was a bit jealous of you too," Jasper said.

I glanced over at him and quirked an eyebrow. I was really impressed.

"That's mighty big of you Empath. I would never admit something like that. Not so soon in our budding relationship anyway," I replied.

He shrugged in response. "Just wanted to clear the air."

"I didn't trust you because your gift was too much like my own. I sensed that you didn't like me right off, but even before that I knew I would watch my back around you," I said.

"Your gift is stronger than mine though."

"I didn't say I was scared of you. I said I didn't like you."

"Most dislike is derived from fear."

"Maybe I should start calling you Pysch Major instead of Empath."

"Either would be true."

"Are you saying you were afraid of me?"

"I still am."

Knowing this made me a little happy, or a lot happy. A part of me still wasn't keen on the idea of people being totally complacent around me. I'd come to accept that certain parts of my past would never die. I liked the high of being feared. I liked the high of people cowering in my presence.

"And that's why I'm still afraid of you. No normal person gets a kick out of being feared."

"I know, Pysch Major," I sighed shaking my head at my own insanity. "I know."

Jasper and I often took hunting trips together. He was my hunting buddy. While I loved Edward's sweet nature and his gentle encouragement, sometimes I needed a swift and proverbial kick in the ass that Jasper had no problem delivering. Not to mention, the guy was really cool to be around. I guess from feeling so many emotions he had learned to keep himself Zen despite what he was feeling. He was so laid back and, because he naturally pushed out emotions, being around him made you laid back as well.

We were driving back home from the Canadian wilderness after a rather thorough hunting trip. My belly was full and I was just sated enough to get me through the next couple days. I was totally committed to this diet but every time we passed a car full of humans on the freeway, I daydreamed about massacring them. I'd adapted the saying "humans are friends, not food," and I chanted it in my head at the time in an attempt to keep myself in line.

When we finally arrived, Jasper flitted inside to go find Alice. The boy was so whipped it was past the point of being funny.

"You better not let him hear you say that," Edward said appearing in front of me.

"_And speaking of whipped…," _I thought at him as I encircled my arms around his neck.

"I am not!"

I wanted to laugh but he looked truly affronted.

"No," I agreed with a smile as I shook my head. He smiled back but then gasped in surprise. My brows knit in confusion to his sudden change in expression. I glanced behind me even though with all my heightened senses I knew nothing was there. I looked back at him and his lips crashed down on mine. He kissed me with vigor that made me moan involuntarily as his sudden desire flooded through my body igniting my own. Just as I started making plans to drag him up to our bedroom, he abruptly pulled away from the kiss.

"Wait," he said a little breathlessly. "I want to show you something."

A spike of annoyance struck inside me. Was he seriously putting off sex for an impromptu round of show and tell?

"And I'm the one that's whipped, you say?"

"I'm not whipped. Just insatiable," I shrugged before hopping on his back and wrapping my legs around him.

"Take me forth, Lover," I drawled in his ear using my long retired southern accent. He shuddered in response like I knew he would. He ate that shit up in the bedroom. I snaked my tongue out to lick the shell of his ear and his hands tightly gripped my thighs.

"Behave," he demanded huskily. I giggled and relaxed behind him. I didn't want to drive the man into a frenzy before he did his show and tell. He walked us into the house and I rested my chin on his shoulder, rather enjoying being piggy backed by him. He took us up to our room and then to the en suite. He stopped in front of the mirror and instead of looking at my own reflection I looked at his. I hated seeing my face, but Edward's on the other hand I could stare at for days. Michelangelo wouldn't be able to come close to chiseling the perfection of Edward's jaw and cheekbones.

"Look at yourself, Bella," he said impatiently. I sighed and focused on my own reflection.

"Oh my God!"

I jumped down from Edward's back and moved to get closer to the mirror. Staring back at me were two brilliant molten gold eyes. _My_ molten gold eyes. They shone like the sun and were absolutely beautiful.

"I agree," Edward murmured behind me after hearing my thoughts.

I nodded as my head went over the struggle to get my eyes that color. It had been complete torture but I'd pushed through it and even bonded with the empath along the way. I was quite proud of myself. I turned to face Edward and kissed him quickly on the lips and then ran down to Carlisle's office. He was in there reading some medical book, for reasons unknown to me. I knew for a fact that he could recite the whole thing to me backward and frontward if I asked him to. He looked up at me questioningly when I came in. It wasn't often that I came to visit with him. I walked closer to his desk and batted my lashes at him.

"You see something you like, doctor?"

His eyes widened in surprise and joy. I didn't have a close relationship with Carlisle but it made me happy knowing that I could put that expression on his face.

"I do," he smiled as stood and walked around his desk to stand before me. He took my face in his hands and looked into my eyes. "I think it's official."

I knit my brows at him in confusion. "What?"

"You're a Cullen."


	35. Chapter 35

_**SM owns. **_

_**Thanks so much Mommakat!**_

_**IMPORTANT!: This chapter really earns it's M rating. It features very graphic violence. This chapter is not for the faint of heart. Feel free to skip any the potentially disturbing scene. I will mark the beginning and the end of it with three stars: *****_

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_**Bella**_

"Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid," Alice said earnestly staring up at me with pleading eyes.

"The only mighty force I need is myself," I shot back but snatched the skirt from her hands. I turned to the mirror and placed it against my hips trying to see just how short it was. "Did you steal that quote from Basil King or Francis McDorman?"

"Who's Basil King?"

I rolled my eyes and tossed the skirt aside. I wouldn't be wearing that shit anytime soon. I was becoming more and more comfortable with my body but short skirts were just not things I liked wearing at all.

"Not today, sweetie," I said patting the top of her head as I walked past her to the closet. I picked a tank top, a pair of jeans, and my favorite over the knee boots all in black and dressed quickly.

"We don't do black Bella," Alice sighed. "Draws too much attention to our skin."

"So does your jet black hair but you wear that everyday don't you?"

"Why are you such a bitch?"

"Lucked up in the gene pool."

Alice giggled and wrapped her arms around my waist in a quick hug before dancing away toward the door.

"No hanky panky this morning you two," she called over her shoulder. "You have a Pre- Calc test this morning, Edward, and your teacher will not let you make it up!"

I looked over at my beautiful boy man as he lounged across the bed. He had that salacious look in his eyes that turned my insides to goo. I had a feeling he would not be heeding Alice's warning. Edward and I had sex at least three times every day. Morning, noon, and night. We were even starting to bother Rose and Emmett. I wondered how long it would be before Esme and Carlisle gave us the boot.

"Esme would never," Edward grinned.

"Wanna test the theory?" I asked quirking my brow as I crawled up his body on the bed. He nodded his head and I brought my lips down to worship his neck. He bit his lip to keep quiet as I sucked and nibbled that spot he loved between his neck and shoulder. His hands started at my thighs and worked their way up to my ass before giving me a not so gentle squeeze. I purred involuntarily as I rocked my hips against him trying to rouse little Edward…or shall I say big Edward out to play. The second my hands grasped his belt though another hand appeared to halt my progress.

"Stop. Now," Alice, who was now with us in bed, demanded.

I groaned in frustration and rolled away from Edward and Alice. Edward growled and attempted to bite his sister's face. She yelped and hopped off the bed. I shook my head at them and bent to place a chaste kiss on Edward's cheek.

"Have a good day at school, baby," I cooed.

"Thanks," he grumbled still upset from Alice's cock blocking.

"_When you get home," _my thoughts promised him and he perked up instantly. He kissed me one more time before leaving with his siblings to head off to school.

I walked to Esme's bedroom and found her sitting at her vanity applying some mascara. The good doctor was getting off early today and they were planning on some quality time together. Apparently Carlisle had planned a whole day of romantic surprises for his wife. She had been looking forward to this all week and I was happy for her. Everyone else spent every waking hour with their mates but Carlisle's busy surgeon's schedule left him with very little free time for his wife. I knew that it was harder on Esme than she was letting him and the others believe. I served as Esme's confidant on many occasions just like she did me, so I knew many of her dirty little secrets.

I grabbed her hair brush and began dragging it through her caramel brown locks. She liked her hair down and Veronica Lake-esque but I thought she would have looked beautiful with a nice up do.

"Want to try something new?" I asked

"Do it and if I like I'll keep it," she smiled at my reflection.

I nodded and set to work. I had a tousled chignon in mind with a side part and couple thin braids serving as a head band of sorts.

"Are you sure you don't mind doing the work by yourself today? You can relax today and tomorrow we can go together if you want," she asked.

"Esme I'm only driving to Tacoma to drop off some clothes at the Salvation Army," I rolled my eyes. "That's hardly work and with absolutely nothing else to do today, I'm glad to do it."

"Okay," she smiled.

I finished her hair and was happy to see that she liked it. She dressed quickly in the clothes that Alice laid out for her and stepped into her shoes. She looked hot in a purple and surprisingly short for Esme's style frock that played up her cleavage.

"Do I look okay?" she asked me smoothing her skirt with her hands.

"I'd do you," I shrugged making her smile sheepishly. I would have bet my last dollar she would have been blushing if it were possible.

"I'd have to agree," Carlisle said as he entered the room. I could tell from the look in his eyes he was telling the truth, not simply paying her a compliment. He took her in his arms and planted a heated kiss on her lips.

"Well I think that's my cue to leave. You kids have fun," I said, doubting they even heard me as I left their bedroom. I made my way down to the laundry room and began sorting through the clothes going out for donation. Carlisle and Esme left the house after a quick romp which I tried my best to ignore. I just hoped that her hair didn't get messed up too badly. When I got done sorting, I loaded everything into Esme's Jaguar and went on my way. The drive to Tacoma went smoothly enough but even though my eyes were golden now, I still had trouble being around humans. After I left the Salvation Army I decided to take a little detour to go hunting in Montana. I was in the mood for something a bit wilder than deer.

I parked the Jaguar in some shopping center's lot and started my trek to the forest on foot. When I was about three miles into the trees, many things affected me at once. Every sense except sight was attacked. Smell, taste, feel, and most of all hearing. He suddenly was every where around me.

Around the year 1890 a man named Ivan Pavlov began experimenting with dogs. He triggered reactions in the animals using the sound of a bell. The dog's reaction to the sound of the bell was ingrained and deep rooted. Pavlov earned much fame and recognition for his work, but only because humans had no idea that this art of conditioning had already been discovered and mastered about thirty years prior by a vampire. Not only had this vampire discovered and mastered the technique but his use of it was infinitely better.

The dogs eventually spotted reacting to the bell but I over a century was still conditioned not to the sound of a bell but the sound of a growl. A growl that formed deep in the belly, that sounded for miles and miles around. It was so powerful it shook the ground and rattled the trees. It was so loud that even the humans would hear it and have nightmares for weeks to come from the blood curdling sound. The animals would flee and run for cover but vampires like me would run to it. We would feel, recognize, and embrace the sound and venom boiling rage and bloodlust it inspired. We answered the call. So when I heard the sound there was no conscious thought on my part. My feet were in motion pushing themselves as fast as vampirely possible. My mind was preparing itself for whatever waited me when I reached my destination.

I have no clue how long it took me, but when I broke through the trees into a clearing I instantly took in everything around me. There was a huge roaring fire emitting purple smoke into the sky. I could feel the heat from where I stood twenty feet away from it. I could smell the putrid stench of the venom burning and see the charred bodies. The sight invoked something deep and primal inside me. Something dark and ugly. Something evil.

Across from the fire and myself were two vampires. One standing tall and the other being held down on his knees. I glanced down at the one on his knees and smiled. I knew instinctively that he was for me. The second after the thought crossed my mind it was then confirmed by the vampire standing.

"Are you please with the gift I've bestowed upon you, Bella," he asked quirking a brow.

"More than you or I can express," I replied slowly stepping closer to the pair. The one on the ground cowered knowing and fearing his fate. My smile grew in response. I glanced at the fire and back at the vampire standing.

"His coven?"

"Yes. They posed quite a challenge for me. The one with the electric touch was quite powerful. I missed you more than ever going against her," he said with a pout.

"Well you won so my aid was not needed," I replied. I tried to maintain eye contact with him but my eyes kept flickering to the trembling one. He was shaking and mumbling his pleas for mercy. He was lucky to be given it once. A second would not be awarded.

"I can see you are anxious. I'll let you have fun now."

"Thank you, Lucas."

I walked slowly until I was directly in front of the ill-fated one. I squatted until we were eye level and rested my elbows on my thighs. I looked into his orange-red eyes and tried to formulate a plan of attack. Lucas was holding him so there wasn't a chance in hell he was going to escape but after what he'd done to me, I wanted to take my time with him.

"Are you sorry for what you did, Laurent?" I asked.

He nodded his head so vigorously I thought I heard his brain rattling in his skull.

"I can't hear you," I snarled bringing my face closer to his. He whimpered out a small yes but that wasn't good enough for me.

"I said I can't fucking hear you!" I roared.

"Yes…," he started to yell but his words were cut off with a choking gurgling sound as I took advantage of his open mouth and ripped out his tongue. He made agonized sounds in his throat as he writhed and thrashed in Lucas's hold trying to break free. Lucas snorted a laugh and I didn't know if it was at my actions, Laurent's feeble attempts, or both. I tossed his tongue into the fire as venom pooled in his mouth to heal the damage but without the tongue it was impossible. The venom only served to burn him.

"When you got away, I thought you were the luckiest vampire in history. Now it turns out you're the most unfortunate," I told him. I rose up on my feet again and leaned over him fisting his disgusting dreads. I pulled on his head until he was looking up at me with panicked eyes. Searching mine to figure out what my next move would be. I lifted my hand that wasn't in his hair and he squeezed his eyes shut in response. I tsked at him disapprovingly.

"Oh no, sweetheart. We can't have you closing your eyes," I cooed. I slowly peeled away his eyelids as if they were the peel of an orange. The sound of his pain egged me on. He sounded much like I did as Victoria used my body for her own sick thrills. He'd helped her, so I would use his body for mine. I proceeded to pick him a part bit by bit like I promised him I would. After his eyelids, I snapped off his teeth one at a time, his finger and toe nails followed by his actual fingers and toes. After all it was the little things that counted, right?

After I ripped away the small pieces, Lucas didn't even need to hold Laurent down. The weak bastard was lying there on the ground making all kinds of noise. I figured he was pleading with me but with no tongue he couldn't form actual words. Venom was leaking from his body all over, searing his skin and his clothes. He looked absolutely ridiculous and I couldn't help but laugh. His body flopped on the ground like a fish out of water. He trembled and spluttered in pain beautifully. It didn't take long for me to bore of his antics though. I started ripping him apart from the joints, his legs from his knees, then his thighs from his hips. I ripped his arm from his elbows and the rest from his shoulders. All I had left was his head and I took my time with that. I scratched away his skin until I hit bone and then snapped it free before tossing the rest of him into the fire.

The thrill of the kill was racing through me as I watched the fire burn and reduce Laurent and the rest of the Denali coven to ashes. My breath was ragged and my body was trembling and it wanted more. I was so keyed up and growls were emanating from my chest for no reason at all. Suddenly a strong pair of arms wrapped around me, tightly. So tight that I gasped from the slight pain of it but I liked it.

"You make me so happy. It's been so long but the beast inside you is perpetual, never too deep under the surface. Fierce. Strong. Able. Ready. Willing," Lucas murmured behind me as he nuzzled my neck.

"Of course," I replied.

We stayed silent as we watched the fire until it extinguished. I eventually calmed down but not for long because an emotion was building. Panic. Lucas was holding me. Lucas had found me. Lucas was here.

"I just slaughtered an entire coven with eyes like yours. Tell me why."

I stepped out of his arms and crossed my own over my chest. Old emotions were awakening inside me. My thought patterns were regressing back to the way they used to work. I welcomed those things because I knew that I would need to think like the general I used to be. I couldn't relax any more. Play time was over. New scents filled my nose, new sensations traveled on the wind. It was odd the way I became more in tuned to certain things during different situations. It was like I had multiple personality disorder. Different versions of myself took over when their best qualities were needed. Right now Wartime Bella was present. There wasn't a war going on at the moment, but I definitely knew one was coming. I could feel the danger on the breeze, taste the destruction on my tongue, and smell the fear, unfortunately my own, wafting thick and repulsive around me.

"My coven and theirs share the same habits," I answered choosing my words carefully. I stifled my smile when he took my bait.

"You joined a coven?"

"You know my weakness."

"Loneliness is not a weakness. There is strength in numbers."

"Says the man who single handedly took down a coven of six."

"I had a little help," Lucas said swiftly moving around to stand in front of me. He wanted to see my eyes as we spoke. They were too expressive and I knew I would have to concentrate extremely hard to keep my secrets. "You finished off the last one."

"Because you were able to keep him still until I arrived."

He shrugged and grabbed the front of my jeans to pull my hips against his. He was hard and throbbing for me but I couldn't be with him in that way. Not anymore. He leaned down to kiss me but I turned my head. He sighed in frustration but didn't push me further.

"You ran from me."

He said it as a statement but meant it as a question. I shrugged my shoulders and glanced out into the woods. Being around Lucas made me feel like I needed to constantly check my surroundings.

"You fucked me over."

"I did not. I fucked _Bree_ over."

"She was my friend!" I yelled at him no longer able to keep my composure. How dare he talk so cavalier about killing her.

"And I am you mate!" he shouted right back. He closed the space between us again and grabbed me by my arms. "You held her on a fucking pedestal! I'm the one that should come first to you! She put her mate before you! I tried to keep us safe! I told her not to tell them anything about us and the second Riley asked she told him everything! James would have taken you from me and then you would have been trapped in a coven with that weak fuck Laurent and crazy bitch Victoria! Is that what you wanted, Isabella?"

I growled and shook my head no.

"I did what I had to to keep you safe! Would you have done the same for me?"

"You know I would."

"Then let's not fight about the past any longer. We're together again. Are you happy to see me?"

"I haven't decided."

He threw his head back in laughter and I couldn't help but smile. His laugh was infectious and it was futile to fight it. He draped his arm over my shoulders and kissed my temple.

"Come now. I want to meet your coven."

* * *

A/N: I want to explaing why I did what I did in this chapter. The Bella we've seen thus far as been a far cry from the Bella that served in the southern wars. The 36 years she spent under the dock calmed her considerably even though at the beginning of the story she was still pretty volatile. Shown in this chapter was wartime Bella, the Bella that Lucas knows and the Cullens don't.


	36. Chapter 36

_**Edward**_

I tried to stay calm but I couldn't. Alice had been having weird visions all day. They were all broken, distorted, and highly disturbing. She'd had these kinds of visions before and it was usually when something important was trying to push through her limitation of not being able to see impulse decisions. Alice said it had happened before but it was long before she'd even met Jasper. The vampire who created her knew her gift well and was planning to abandon her. He kept making impulse decisions in order to keep her from stopping him or finding out where he was headed.

Her distorted visions now gave all of us a bad feeling. I could see glimpses of fire and heard growls and screaming. It was ominous to say the least. We all thought it was best to convene back at the house. We all left earlier from school and we had to call Carlisle and Esme back from their romantic day out. The visions were scary enough but what really worried me was the fact that we couldn't get a hold of Bella. Esme had said she'd gone to make a clothing donation but she should have been back a long time ago.

"Where the fuck is she!" Rosalie roared before slinging her cell at the wall and shattering it into a million little pieces. Jasper sent a calming wave through the room but it didn't help completely. There was a bit of an edge to it. Jasper had to feel the emotions himself before he could put them off on other people and right now he wasn't calm at all. He and Bella had formed a strange relationship but a relationship none the less. He was just as worried as the rest of us.

"Calm down, Rosalie," Esme said going to take her first daughter into her arms. "Everything will be fine. We all know how perfectly capable Bella is of taking care of herself," Esme said trying to convince us and herself.

"Esme's right, babe. Bella kicks ass," Emmett added rubbing his wife's back soothingly.

Everyone tried to calm Rose who was freaking out more than I'd ever seen. She was highly protective of Bella and it was driving her mad that she was uncertain of Bella's safety. No one tried to calm me down though. They knew it was useless. I'd been wearing the carpet thin pacing back and forth. I was too upset to sit still. I'd wanted to go out and find Bella, track her scent, and bring her home with me. Carlisle had shot me down though. Alice's visions were streaming constantly and he said we needed to wait until she saw something concrete. After hearing him say those words, I realized I had never come closer to hating my father. I refused to be in the same room with him so instead of being in the living room with the rest of them I stayed in my bedroom.

Bella's scent was thick there and mingled with mine. The combined scent was heavenly and instead of calming me, it just made me more anxious. What if I never got to smell her loveliness again? I sighed and shook my head to clear it of those thoughts. Just as I had begun to pace something hit me like a brick wall. It wasn't physical but inside my head. I could hear no other thoughts but Bella's. I wanted to be relieved but her words only scared me more.

"_Listen, Edward. I'm on my way home right now. I know you're probably worried and I'm sorry. Something has come up and you'll see when I get there. The important thing you need to know is that you MUST follow my lead. You and the others must remain calm. Staying calm is CRITICAL to all of our lives. Please, please trust me and warn the others. You don't have much time. I'll be there shortly. I love you and only you. Remember that."_

Her thoughts left me with the same force that they had entered. I had no idea what was going on but I did exactly what she told me. I repeated her words to my family verbatim. A sense of foreboding filled the room quickly as we all looked at each other in silence.

"Jasper do you think you can keep a steady stream of tranquility going? If things are as serious as Bella seems to think they are, our best bet is to do what she says," Carlisle said.

Jasper nodded his head determinedly and we instantly felt his efforts.

"What could it be?" Esme asked looking between Carlisle and I for answers. I opened my mouth to tell her I wasn't sure but the sound of Esme's Jaguar approaching stopped me from speaking. We all wordlessly moved to arrange ourselves around the living room to replicate what we'd be doing on an ordinary day. The wait seemed to take years but as the car approached I lost my ability and so did Alice. Jasper however must have received a little boost because we all became almost languid in our relaxation.

Finally after an eternity of waiting, the car came to a stop outside the house and two people got out of the car. I continued to play the piano though because despite knowing that I wanted to be nervous and on edge, thanks to Jasper it was impossible. I was completely collected as I waited for Bella to enter with her guest.

The door opened and Bella stepped in first. I was immensely relieved to see that she was in perfect condition. The look on her face though gave me no comfort. It reminded me so much of when she first arrived here. Angry, wild, and arrogant. My relief left me completely when a man I'd seen many times in Bella's thoughts followed her in. Again I wanted to be angry but I just couldn't. Bella was giving Jasper tons and tons of help to keep us under control. There was no other way to explain how the man I hated more than anyone or anything could have walked into my home and still be alive. There was no other way to explain my cool as I watched Lucas drape his arm over Bella's shoulders. She pushed his arm off and gave him a look that should have sent him cowering in the corner but he simply rolled his eyes.

I took him in quickly. I knew that he was tall but seeing him in the flesh was shocking. He completely towered over Bella. Had Emmett been standing Lucas would have towered over him too. The man had to be at least 6'9, maybe an even seven feet. He didn't have Emmett's build though. He was pretty muscular but not as built as my brother. His pale blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail at the nape of his neck like it had been her memories. His pale hair and skin gave him an eerie, ghostly appearance. He was scarred even worse than Bella and just like her he had a lethal air about him. His eyes were a bright and vibrant red as he smiled at each of us in turn. I was surprised to see that there was no false pretense behind it. He looked at us with actual friendliness and…warmth?

"I brought back an old friend. You don't mind do you Carlisle? He wanted to meet you all," Bella said with an edge to her tone.

"Not at all," my father replied with a smile of his own. He had no idea who he was looking at. He approached the behemoth man and offered his hand. "I'm Carlisle Cullen. This is my wife Esme. My daughter Rosalie and her husband Emmett. My daughter Alice and her husband Jasper. And over by the piano is my son Edward," Carlisle said pointing us each out.

"It's great to meet you. I'm Bella's mate, Lucas," he said.

If Carlisle was shocked, he didn't show it one bit. He simply took the man's hand and told him it was nice to meet him as well. I was shocked though and nearly broke through Jasper's hold on my emotions. Why the hell was this asshole still calling himself Bella's mate. Hadn't she told him she knew the truth?

"Now am I to understand that you changed your entire human family?" Lucas asked knitting his brow in confusion.

"No, Lucas. Carlisle and his coven have a very…alternative lifestyle," Bella told him. She quickly explained how we lived to that prick as he nodded his head thoughtfully. I watched as his arm wrapped her waist. He tried to pull her closer but she dug her nails into his hand. He didn't seem fazed at first but he quickly let go when she broke skin. He moved around to look at her head on and cup her face in his hand.

"You and that other coven lived like this as well?"

Bella nodded and opened her mouth to speak but Rosalie cut her off.

"What other coven?"

Lucas's eyes lit up while Bella's closed hers tight as if mentally bracing herself for impact.

"I ran into a vampire named Laurent that Bella and I used to know. He was a part of a large coven like this with the same golden eyes. Bella had a score to settle with Laurent. His coven tried to protect him but I got rid of them and called out for Bella to come and have her vengeance."

"The Denali's?" Esme asked. "You killed the Denali's? All of them? By yourself?"

Laurent I hated and I was glad that he was dead but the others were people we'd considered family for many, many years. Their loss was not something we could take lightly. Especially Carlisle. The distress on his face was gone as quickly as it appeared though. Jasper's tranquility surged through us with astounding force. My body started to feel heavy under it's power. I felt sedated and numb. Carlisle staggered as the wave hit him. Lucas's brows knit in confusion. Vampires never staggered. Ever. His eyes flitted to Bella but she refused to look his way. His confusion quickly morphed into a knowing grin as he his eyes scanned each of our faces again. It killed me not to know what he was thinking.

"Um… just as a gift to Bella," Lucas looked to Bella, uncertain if his answer was the right one.

"I'm very sorry…," Bella began but my mother cut her off again.

"May I speak with you outside, Bella?"

Bella nodded her head and turned to Lucas. She pointed to a vacant armchair and told him to sit and behave. She talked to him like he was a dog or something and the way he reacted suggested that he really was as he wordlessly complied. Bella, Esme and Carlisle left the house and I looked over at Rosalie in confusion only to see that she was wearing my same expression. It appeared that Bella had been right. Her relationship with Lucas was a lot more complicated than we realized.

I was anxious to be in a room with him without Bella though. I really wanted to kick his ass but I knew without being told that Bella wouldn't have wanted that. I wished she would tell me more about what the hell was going on but she hadn't and it was starting to drive me up a wall. Bella must have been out of range or no longer feared what might happen with Lucas being in the house because Jasper's hold on our emotions slackened and Alice and I got our gifts back.

Seeing into Lucas's mind was a lot like Bella's when we'd first met. His thoughts moved so quickly and at the back of his mind he was ready to defend himself against us at any second. He didn't trust us one bit but felt no fear. He'd already thought up over two dozen ways to kill us should we decide to attack him.

"How did you find Bella anyway," Rose asked. Malice was clear in her tone now that Bella had left Jasper to his own devices.

Lucas eyed her in a way that was part amused and part curious. He knew instantly that Rosalie was close to Bella. He knew that Bella had confided in her and he also knew that Rosalie must have had gifts that deemed her worthy of trust in Bella's eyes. He also wasn't fooled by our welcome of him into the house. He didn't know the details but when Carlisle had staggered, he knew that Bella had us under her thumb.

"I'd been looking for her for a while but couldn't find her. There are three places in the world that make Isabella's eye shine like sun, like a kid's the first time they see the Disney Castle; New York City, Venice, and France," Lucas said.

It disturbed me deeply that I didn't know that about her and he did. His thoughts went to memories he and Bella had in those places. She made him sit in some café in Paris and drink café au lait because she loved to listen to the humans discuss poetry and art. She made him steal pretty Chanel and Dior dresses for her to wear as they walked around the city at night and went to burlesque shows, operas, and ballets.

He remembered the way Bella's face would take on a dreamy expression as the walked the streets of Venice. She'd told him that the city was like the new Atlantis. She thought it was the most unique place on earth. She loved the old world feel of it, riding gondola's and being serenaded in Italian as they passed under all the different bridges.

He remembered the Roaring Twenties and how Bella made the most enchanting flapper New York had ever seen. How they danced all night at jazz clubs and later on helped bootleggers during the prohibition because drunk humans made whatever party they were going to more fun and raucous.

He thought about a couple of other places Bella loved like India and Spain but they didn't have quite the same affect on Bella as the other three places.

"I knew not to go to those places because those were the first places she would expect me to look. I've been turning over every rock and leaf in Louisiana because she swore to never go back there. I figured if she wanted to hide from me, that's where she's go. Turns out she wasn't there but Laurent was. Thanks to Bree he knew that Bella would never go to Louisiana either. He saw me and thought Isabella had sent me to kill him. I realized he must have seen her recently so I told him that I was angry with her and wanted to kill her as well. I told him to take me to where he'd seen her last and we could finish her off. Laurent's always been a dumb bastard. I caught Bella's scent on the wind in Montana and killed the coven leaving Laurent for Isabella," he told us.

He laughed and shook his head as he remembered Bella destroying Laurent. I watched his new set of memories in horror. I couldn't believe the wild vicious vampire I was seeing was actually Bella. The way she slaughtered Laurent was grotesque and excessive. The joy she got out of it and the way she laughed at his pain was shocking and more than a little frightening.

"You should have seen it," Lucas continued to laugh. "It was classic Isabella and Laurent was just pathetic. She's always been one to savor a moment. Keep good times lasting as long as she can."

Jealousy reared its head inside of me. Lucas clearly shared parts of Bella that I never had and probably never would. I could take her to all the places she loved to go and create new memories with her. I would never be there with her when she discovered she loved those places though. It wouldn't be an experience if I took her to those places. It would just be a plain old vacation at a favorite spot. I would never be able share that other side of Bella like Lucas did either. I could never laugh at the suffering of any creature or draw out pain from another and extract pleasure. I could never enjoy being cruel in that way. That side of Bella was admittedly ugly but still I was angry that she had a bond with Lucas that she and I probably never would have. Maybe that was insane but I couldn't help the way I felt.

"_You need to stay calm until Bella returns. I'm having a hard time controlling you and Rosalie at the same time!" _Jasper's thoughts rang in my head and for some reason they were my undoing.

"That is definitely not funny! That's the most disturbing thing I've ever seen!" I snarled at Lucas.

He turned to me and quirked a brow not seeming at all to be fazed by my anger. That of course made me even more furious.

"What?"

"I can read your mind. I see what you made Bella do to him! How can you enjoy torturing people like that. You are a fucking monster," I growled.

"Edward…please," Alice murmured suddenly at my side looking between Lucas and I. Her tone was pleading but I was too focused on Lucas to care. Bella never behaved that way until he came along. He was responsible for the darkness inside her. He brought out the worst in her. Alice showed me a recent vision of Lucas dismantling me in the blink of an eye but I ignored it.

"Isabella's the most important person in my life. I find it very easy to enjoy hurting anyone who has hurt her," he shrugged.

"Then you won't mind me torturing you then, you bastard! You've hurt her more than anyone else!" I yelled.

Lucas rose to his feet. He was so much taller than me but I wasn't afraid of him. I hated him with every ounce of my long forgotten soul.

"You don't know shit about me and her. I watched Bella for weeks before I gave Bree the go ahead to change her. I knew what her father had done to her, how no one gave a shit about her. No one acknowledged her pain. They consistently forgot about her, forgot to feed her, and neglected her day after day. There was a void in her eyes worse than that of a dead person. I knew how to bring her back to life. I revived her spirit and gave her reason to breathe. Maybe I have hurt Bella in the past. I'm not ideal. No one is. Including Isabella.

"She told you about the wars and the decisions we BOTH made to reward our best fighters? Maybe it was fucked up but Isabella never expressed a desire to stop rewarding our fighters. She let her resentment and rage fester so that she could hurt others like she had been hurt. Isabella's only reaction to pain is to inflict it on others. Do you know how many times she castrated me in her anger and refused to put me right until she thought I'd suffered enough? Did she tell you that during the battles she went back and killed whoever had her the night before and told the troops we'd simply lost them to the other side. Did she ever tell you the times she was so infuriated she went and helped the humans in their war efforts just to watch the life leave someone's eyes? She has this weird obsession with it too. She'd peel off their eye lids so they wouldn't close in the process. She wanted to make sure she saw the second the light in their eyes extinguished. Isabella was hurt but she always got her revenge. She did her fair share of hurting too. The way I see it the playing field between she and I is even! I am a monster but I embrace that fact just like Bella does. Maybe you just don't know as well as I do!"

"Now I recall telling you boys to play nice," Bella said from the doorway with Carlisle and Esme behind her. There was a smile on her face but it may as well have been a scowl. Anger blazed pure and bright in her golden eyes.

_**Bella**_

I followed Esme and Carlisle who had decided to join us even though he hadn't been invited verbally. I guess anywhere Esme went it was a given that Carlisle was allowed as well. I wasn't excited about Lucas being in the house alone with the rest of the family but Esme and clearly Carlisle wanted to talk. I eventually talked myself into believing that both Edward and Lucas would coexist peacefully simply because I told them too. I'd convinced myself so much that I even dropped my strong hold on everyone's gifts.

"I don't want him here," Esme rounded on me the second we were out of earshot. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I had expected as much.

"I know. I'm sorry about the Denalis. I wanted to kill Laurent and Irina would have had to go because she was his mate but I wouldn't have touched the others. That was out of my control. They were gone when I arrived," I told them sincerely. "I know that you loved them."

Carlisle groaned in despair and covered his face with his hands. I felt his sorrow and averted my eyes from him. It was too much to watch him crumble under the weight of his loss. Esme went to him immediately. I turned my back to give them the best privacy I could provide at the moment.

"It's not just about that! It's about what he did to you! How can you want him around!" Esme seethed several moments later.

"I don't want him around, Esme. Trust me. Lucas goes to extremes in order to secure the things that he wants. He wanted my forgiveness and he took the measures he thought necessary. Again, I am sorry," I said.

"The Denali's were the first people to understand me, Bella. I love them like family and he annihilated them senselessly. I can't bear to have him in my home. He's a danger to my family and he can't stay," Carlisle said crossing his arms over his chest.

"He's only dangerous when he feels threatened and as long as everyone stays in control around him there will be no problems. He's here now and he won't be easily persuaded to leave but I can handle him and I'll get him away from Forks as quickly as I can," I promised. "You have to let me do things my way, though. It's the only way things will work out smoothly. I know Lucas and he needs to be taken care of with a finesse only I have."

"No. I don't feel it's necessary that he leaves of his own will. We'll use force if that's what it takes," he said.

I sighed and shook my head. "Carlisle please understand that I mean no disrespect. You're a strong vampire and you have a strong coven. You aren't thinking clearly right now though. You're upset and that's completely understandable. Think about what has happened though," I said gently. "The Denali's were all very old vampires. Kate had a really powerful defensive gift. She has the power to paralyze people with pain but even she couldn't hold him down. Eleazar was a Volturi trained fighter. Lucas is older and stronger though. The odds were in their favor but he still beat them. I'm not saying this to be demeaning but should you decide to make Lucas leave by force, you and your coven will meet the same fate as the Denalis."

Thankfully, Carlisle was not offended by my words. He thought about what I'd said and recognized it as truth. He was a good leader and because of that he knew when to fight and when to retreat.

"Do I have your word that you'll get him out of Forks and in the mean time there will be no problems," Carlisle asked.

"You have my word," I nodded.

Esme threw her arms around me and choked out a sob. "I don't understand you at all but I love you completely," she said.

I smiled and hugged her back, "I love you too, Esme."

"We should probably head back. I don't trust Edward to keep his cool," Carlisle said.

Esme and I broke apart and started the run back. I kept my ears peeled because the second we could hear them back at the house I wanted to know what was being said. Unfortunately the first thing I heard was Edward telling Lucas that he could read minds. I groaned in anguish as I listened to the rest of the conversation and picked up speed. Things were going downhill already. I was losing control of the situation faster than I thought I would. I was pissed off at myself more than anyone else. I should have known not to leave them alone. If I was going to pull this off, I needed to do better. I couldn't afford to make these kinds of mistakes.

"Now I recall telling you boys to play nice," I said effectively ending their little spat. Lucas turned his head my way and shrugged.

"I tried."

"Not hard enough."

"The boy wasn't harmed Isabella," Lucas said exasperatedly with a dismissive wave. "I wouldn't have touched him. You know that," he said.

"I do," I said with a dismissive nod. "The Cullens have agreed to let you stay here. However you need to understand that Carlisle's word is law here and you will do as you are told. Don't like it? You can leave. You will not hunt in the state. You will cross the border to Canada or go as far as California if you don't want to leave the country. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, Isabella. I'm not a child," he said with a roll of his eyes.

I smiled. "Good. Follow me then. We have bedrooms here. You'll share with me, of course," I said extending my hand for him to take.

"_I love you, Edward. Remember that. You and I will talk later on tonight and I'll explain everything," _I thought at Edward as I ascended the stairs with Lucas to the bedroom I hadn't used in months. The coming days would be difficult but I had a part to play. Edward would most likely be hurt several times but if I acted well enough he would keep his life.


	37. Chapter 37

_**SM owns.**_

_**Thanks you so much Mommakat!**_

_****_

So one of my reviewers on Twilighted had some interesting concerns about Bella, Lucas, and Edward and in response to her and other who might be wondering, I wanted to tell you all a little bit about what I wanted to do with this story. I wanted to really play with the idea of mating and the idea of unconditional love. I think in SM's canon the two terms go hand in hand. Unconditional is a very unforgiving word though. Sure you could love a person if their flaws were something little like selfishness or overprotectiveness, but what if that person had really huge character flaws? What if the object of your unconditional love was truly a bad person. If mating is a thing that's supposed to be unconditional and predestined, there is absolutely nothing that person could do that would diminish they love you share. Right?

* * *

_**Bella**_

Lucas plopped on the bed and beckoned me forward. I crawled onto the bed and up his body to straddle his stomach. His huge hands latched onto my waist as he smiled up at me. I responded with a glare.

"Cut to the chase," I said.

"What do you mean?"

"What do you want? Why are you here?"

"I missed you. You left all those years ago. You didn't even spare me a goodbye or even a fuck you. I knew you were pissed at me, so I let you be for a while. I think you've had enough breathing room now though," he replied. He brought his hand up to cup my face and I leaned into his palm instinctively. I didn't want Lucas romantically anymore but I did love him. I still felt close to him even though I hadn't seen him in years. The connection between us was as strong and bizarre as it always was. I didn't want him to hang around for long. He didn't fit into the life I led nowadays. I was happy to see him but his visit needed to be short. The Cullens hated him and peace between them would only maintain for so long. Especially between him and Edward. They were both possessive when it came to me and there was a ticking time bomb ready to explode and destroy between them.

"You're full of shit," I smiled down at him.

"I did miss you!" he laughed. "Why is that so hard to believe?"

"It's not hard to believe. I missed you too. Very much. However I didn't go looking for you. I didn't track you down bearing gifts to get back into your good graces. And I wouldn't ever have unless I needed you for something," I replied.

"It's endearing to see just how much I mean to you," he snarked.

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. I would wait all day for him to tell the truth if that's what it took. I needed to know what his agenda was though. If it was something simple, I would help him and send him on his way. If it was something outrageous, I would need to plan and plot to get him to leave without my services. I hoped and prayed to every higher power there could possibly be that it was the former.

"Oh please. You don't even have feelings to be hurt," I said. "Tell me what you want."

"To spend some time with you. You're the only vampire I've ever trusted outside of myself. You're so different now. This coven has changed you but not unrecognizably so. You're just multi-layered now. I can still see my girl behind those golden eyes. I want to get to know you again. I want to get to know them, too," he said.

I searched his eyes and found that he was telling the truth…but only in part. There was something else he wanted but like always he was going to butter me up first. I sighed and decided to let the issue drop for the time being. I needed to explain things to Edward soon. I didn't want him thinking I was going to leave him for Lucas.

"You've really been drinking animal blood?" he asked.

I nodded my head as he looked into my eyes thoughtfully. "I want to try it," he said.

"Really?"

"It'll be an experience. I'm not saying I'll commit, but I want to see what it's like."

"It's pretty awful at first."

"I can imagine," he shrugged before his hands encircled my wrist. He sat upright so that we were face to face. He tilted his head and leaned forward coming in for a kiss. I ducked my head to avoid him and buried my face in his neck. His scent was familiar and comforting yet at the same time jarring. His scent was wonderful. He smells like autumn spices and sandalwood. The aroma is undeniably pleasant but all I can think of is how different it is from Edward's.

This was going to be the hardest part of the charade. Lucas was used to me giving him my body freely. He was used to me offering myself to him, wanting to be with him in that way. I have never ever turned him down before with the exception of earlier in the day. He pulled back to look me in the eye with knitted brows.

"What's happening," he asked.

"I'm different now."

"You don't want me?"

"No."

He nodded his head and looked away from me and out of the window. He doesn't look hurt and I know he isn't. Sex between us stemmed from passion and intense physical attraction. It was never about our emotions or anything romantic. I knew his body, what he needed, what he wanted, and what he liked. He knew all those things about me as well and that's what made our sex life as great as it was. We had complete carnal knowledge of one another.

He sighed again and fell backward to lie flat on the bed again. His hands fell away from where they rested on my hips and I got off of him. I walked toward the door but stopped before exiting.

"I'll be back later on tonight. Will you try harder to behave than you did earlier?"

He smiled and nodded his head. I left the room and went back to the living room where I knew Edward was. The space was abnormally empty. He was the only occupant as he sat at his piano playing small segments of various compositions.

"_Are you angry?" _I used my thoughts to ask him.

"Yes."

"_Will you come take a walk with me? I'd like to explain."_

He closed the lid over the keys and reached for my hand but I shook my head at him. I opened the door for him to leave out first and he did. We ran into the night silently. The tension between us was thick. He was really upset and it hurt me to know that I was the cause. We stopped way outside of Forks just a few minutes away from the Neah Bay. I could smell and feel the water on the breeze. It served to relax the both of us just a little bit.

Edward stayed silent waiting for me to lead the discussion. There was a cool and detached expression on his face that scared me. He had to know that I hadn't done anything with Lucas. He had to have heard our conversation back at the house. He'd had to hear me tell Lucas that I was different and I didn't want him in that way anymore.

"Lucas can't know that we're together. He's only here because he wants something from me. We have to keep things platonic between us until I can figure out what he wants. Most likely it's something he knows I'll say no to because he's not being upfront about it. He'll do whatever he needs to, to get what he wants including using you against me. I can't let him have that kind of leverage," I said.

"Use me against you how exactly?"

"He'll threaten to kill you and maybe even the others if he wants my help bad enough."

"I can handle myself, Bella. You're giving him too much power. I can read his mind. Any attack he tried to use against me I'd see it and combat it."

"That would only get you so far. Plus you've clued him in on your little gift so now it's useless. He'll mask his thoughts."

"People have done that before. I've never lost a fight."

"Neither has Lucas."

Edward balled his fists and turned his back on me. This conversation wasn't going at all the way I wanted it too. I was becoming scared that it would be easier to control Lucas than it would be to control Edward.

"You're giving him too much power," he snarled.

"You're not giving him enough. I understand that you hate him, baby, but put your feelings aside and think about all you know about him. Do you really think you'd be able to defeat him?"

"You think he's better than me?" Edward asked whirling around to face me again.

"Edward please!" I exclaimed rushing forward to take his hands. He wouldn't unfurl his fists though and I was forced to hold his wrists. "You're jealous but you have no reason to be. I love you. I'm not saying he's better than you. I'm saying as a fighter he's…,"

"Better than me!" Edward finished for me.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head into his chest before nodding my head. Edward stiffened and I heard the growl forming in his chest.

"It doesn't matter though, Edward. I don't care about who's a better fighter. I just want you to think about this logically. I'm going to get him to leave and no will get hurt. There won't be a fight," I said. "Carlisle has already given me permission to handle things my way. I need you to do the same."

"You want us to hide from him. You want me not to touch you or kiss you in front of him? You want me to treat you like Alice? Like Rosalie? Like my sister? Fuck that!" Edward yelled pulling himself away from viciously. "You're letting him control you just like before! Why can't we just kill him! You can help us! With your help we can kill him!"

"It doesn't have to come to that!"

"It needs to come that!"

"I don't want to hurt him, Edward!"

The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop them. I heard Edward's sharp intake of breath but averted my eyes. I didn't want to see his expression. I knew it was going to be awful.

"Because you love him? Because you'd rather walk away from me than see him harmed? Because you love him more than me," Edward accused.

"NO!" I cried reaching out for Edward but he backed away from me. Hurt, rage, and betrayal marred his flawless features and tore at my heart. I could feel a lump forming in my throat but I tried to clear it because crying is the most pointless thing I could do at the moment.

"Please don't do this, Edward. Yes, I love him. I told you that. I can't help the way I feel. He was my family before you were even born. I don't want to kill him anymore than you want to kill Carlisle," I told him. "I'm in love with you, Edward. You mean the world to me. Don't you know why Lucas using you against me would mean an automatic victory for him? Don't you understand why any threat presented against you would result in my instant surrender?"

I knew that Edward wasn't going to respond so I didn't wait for his response. He was trembling under the pressure of his emotions and I needed to take his pain away.

"Because you're my mate, Edward. You're my real mate. You're my other half. You're the good to my evil. The light to darkness. We exist because and for one another. My feelings for Lucas don't compare to what I feel for you at all. I just want to keep you safe. I'm sorry that you're hurt and that I'm going to continue to hurt you but it's the only way to save your life. To save our lives. It is a necessary evil," I said.

Edward was like a statue before me. He turned so quickly that a human wouldn't have even registered the movement. The new expression on his face was confused yet insanely hopeful and dreamy. I smiled even though I knew that I wasn't quite out of the woods yet.

"What?"

"We're mates Edward," I said stepping closer to him. I was ecstatic when he didn't retreat. I closed the space between us and took his face in my hands. "Don't you feel it? The bond between us? The pull that defies gravity, nature, and reason. The sublime bliss that we feel when we're together. Our love is supernatural and all consuming. Our coupling is perfect and divine," I said.

He nodded his head as his eyes bore into mine with unfathomable emotion. He leaned his forehead against mine and smiled a luminous smile.

"We're mates. You're my mate," he said.

"Nothing can come between us. Not Lucas or any other person, animal, being, or force."

His eyes darkened at the mention of Lucas's name. His hands found my waist and his fingers dug into my skin as he pulled my hips into his. A loud moan escaped my mouth as I felt his rock hard erection pressing into me.

"You're mine," he growled bringing his lips close to mine.

"All yours," I nodded.

His lips connected to mine hungrily. He swallowed the moans that erupted from me in response and I kissed him back with equal intensity. His tongue lavished mine and he tasted so good. I wanted and needed more of him. He must have been on the same page as me because he immediately began undressing me. It took no time at all for us to both be naked. We lowered ourselves to the ground and Edward hovered over my body. He took my right nipple into his mouth and sucked hard before taking it in between his teeth. His hands simultaneously found my center and he slid a finger into me. My hips bucked against him as my breath left me rapidly.

There was a frenzied need building between us. We couldn't touch enough of one another fast enough. Edward's finger pumped inside exactly two times before he pulled it back out and rose to his knees. His body was so far from mine and I whimpered at the loss. I needed him close. I needed him inside me. He grabbed my arms, flipped and moved my body as if it was as pliable as putty. I was suddenly on all fours before him. He draped his body over mine moving my hair to the side and trailing wet kisses down my neck and back. His fingers pinched and rolled my nipples before moving down my sides to my hips. He grabbed me firmly and pulled me back as he thrust forward.

"UGH!" I screamed in raw pleasure. We'd never done it in this position before. He was deeper than ever and my legs were already beginning to shake. His face was pressed into my back as his chest heaved with his shallow breaths. We took a moment to adjust to this new and splendid feeling. When we finally did began to move he gave it his all.

Edward pushed himself into me with wild and reckless abandon. The sounds of our moaning, growling, and gasps filled the air along with the loud smack as his hips hit my ass. I wasn't going to last long. The feeling was too good. My fingers dug into the hard earth as I felt the tightening in my abdomen.

"That's right," Edward grunted. "Come for me, Bella!"

His hand moved from my hip my sensitive nub. His finger rubbed me in quick tight circles and my orgasm hit me hard. My muscles clenched inside me and around Edward but he pulled out quickly. I whimpered again at the sudden loss but his fingers took his dick's place inside me. He stroked me slowly as the waves of bliss died down.

Immediately afterward he was inside me again. His hand fisted the hair at the back of my neck and the other grabbed my arm as he made the both us rear back on our knees so that I was seated on his lap.

"Fuck Edward!" I growled through gritted teeth as he thrust up into me again. His used his tongue and teeth on the skin of my neck as my head fell back against his shoulders. His hands were all over my body; my breast, stomach, thighs, and clit. His thick cock pounded into me relentlessly, hard and fast. I reached back to fist his hair in my hands and he groaned lowly in my ear. I loved the sounds he made. I loved hearing how good I felt to him.

My other hand reached down to feel where we were joined. I was so wet and his strokes were smooth as he throbbed inside me. My eyes rolled to the back of my head as I felt myself approaching the edge again.

"You're mine, Bella," Edward whispered breathlessly in my ear before pushing my hand away from myself. His fingers found my clit again as he leaned us forth back and his cock began hitting me at a different and more delicious angle.

"Yes!" I screamed as my second climax racked through my body. Edward pulled out again and my screams of pleasure morphed into tortured whines. I wanted him inside me as I came.

Edward flipped my body yet again so that we were face. His lips crashed against mine in a fevered kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist as I kissed him back. I moved my lips from his along his jaw and down his neck. His skin tasted so good that I was so tempted to bite him. I'd never forgive myself if I marred his perfect body though.

Edward stood, carrying me with him. He leaned his back against a tree and gripped my ass in his hands. His eyes pierced through mine as he lifted my body and lowered me back down on his throbbing cock. He spread his legs for a stronger stance and placed my hands on his shoulders.

"Fuck me, Bella," he said staring into my eyes.

I used his shoulders for leverage and moved my body up and down impaling myself on him over and over. I alternated between fast and slow and bouncing and rocking on him. He bit his lower lip as his head fell back against the tree. His face was screwed up in pleasure and he was sexier than I'd ever seen him.

"Harder!" he groaned and I immediately obeyed, this time digging my nails in the tree behind him. I slammed myself on him down to the hilt hard, just like he wanted me too. My legs hugged his body tight as he began to thrust up into me, meeting me as I came down on him. He opened his golden eyes and stared into mine. We were both breathing so hard and completely lost in one another. He grabbed my hair and brought my face down to his. Despite our animalistic love making, this kiss was slow and deep. I moaned into his mouth as his hand clutched my hips.

"I'm yours, Bella," he said into my mouth. "I'm all yours."

"Oh God," I whimpered. I was so close and by the look in Edward's eyes I knew he was too. He turned so that my back was now against the tree and thrust into me deep and hard as he lifted my leg over his shoulder.

"Fuck! I'm gonna cum!" he groaned as his head fell to the valley between my breasts. He fondled my clit feverishly trying to get me where he was going.

"Yes, yes, yes!" I chanted as my walls began tightening again. "Look at me Edward, baby, please!"

The second his eyes found mine my third orgasm exploded inside me as Edward's own climax pulsed deep and hot inside me. He growled and moaned loudly as his arms hugged my body to his. My arms wrapped around his neck as his powerful orgasm made his body shudder and thrust inside me erratically. I covered his mouth with mine, kissing and swallowing his cries of pleasure.

When Edward finally put me back on my feet, I was shocked to find myself unsteady on my feet as my knees shook. Edward held on to me though. He held my body and kissed me randomly on the lips, neck, forehead, and shoulder.

"I love you so much, Bella."

"I love you too. More than anything. More than anyone."

"I know," he nodded pulling back to look into my eyes wanting me to see his sincerity.

"Then please, please trust me," I begged.

He nodded and kissed me more time, "With my life."


	38. Chapter 38

_**SM owns.**_

_**Thanks Mommakat!**_

_**Okay folks. There are two more chapters and then an epilogue...**_

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_**Edward**_

I watched Bella step into the Bay. She walked in 'til she was knee deep and then dove in. Her body made minimal splash and she was out of sight for only seconds before she resurfaced about 100 feet out. Her back was to me but she quickly turned around and smiled at me.

"_Get in here!" _her thoughts called out to me.

I smiled and went to join her. The water felt good against my skin. It was so smooth and reminded me of the texture of Bella's skin. I swam out to her and emerged right in front of her face. She buried her face into my skin and hugged my body.

"What if he wants to take you away from us?" I asked.

It was the thing I was most afraid of. It was what I was almost sure Lucas wanted. His thoughts had reflected an actual longing for Bella. He missed her, that was clear enough even if I couldn't read minds I would have noticed that. Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper all knew it too.

"I'll never abandon you, Edward. I'd always find my way back to you. Even if it meant being away from you for years. You'll be the last person I see," she told me.

The thought of being away from Bella for any amount of time made my body ache and my chest tighten. I ran my fingers through her wet her and sighed heavily.

"I hate him, Bella."

"I know you do," she said rubbing soothing circles on my back. "He'll be gone as fast as vampirely possible."

I smiled and shook my head. We remained quiet a few moments enjoying each other's presence, the water, and the relative silence. My mind shifted over the day's events. Things had changed so quickly. Bella and I had been so happy this morning. Everything had been perfect and in order. Then only hours later everything was fucked up and unstable.

It was an odd feeling because, while I believe Bella's every word, I was still scared. I felt like she would be gone from me at any second. I knew that Bella really was my mate and our bond was unbreakable but I could see the changes in her already. Lucas was dragging her back down dark roads. I could see it in her eyes. I could hear it in her voice. I noticed it in the way she moved. I feared that when this was all said and done, Bella and I would be starting all over. I'd be picking up the pieces of her that Lucas would shatter her into. I feared that he'd break her again and that this time the damage would be too much.

Bella pulled away from me and swam a short ways away before turning on her back and launching into a slow back stroke.

"Do you believe Lucas?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"The things he said I'd done."

I knew she was talking about when Lucas had told me about her castrating him, killing people that had hurt her, killing humans in the Civil War and the thing about the eye lids. If I hadn't seen Lucas's thoughts my answer would have been no. But I had seen Lucas's thoughts.

"Yes."

"So what do you think?" she asked. The tone of her voice became deceptively nonchalant. She was hiding her feelings from me and it made me leery of how I should answer of if I should at all.

"I don't know," I replied semi-honestly.

"Do you think I'm a monster, now?"

"No," I said swimming over to her. I wanted to see her face. She was floating on her back in the water refusing to meet my eyes. I could see hers though and they were devoid of any emotion, detached and vacant.

"I killed my dad. When I realized how powerful I was, I went back to his house and drained him and some of the slaves he owned. The others fled and when I was finished, Lucas and I burned the house down. I didn't stop there either. I destroyed my mother's gravestone with my bare hands. I was angry at her for dying. I was jealous because my dad loved her so much that all he had left was hate for me. Do you think I'm a monster, now?"

"Do you want me to?" I asked because that was what it seemed like. I didn't understand what was happening. She'd been perfectly happy seconds ago and now she was…not.

"Yes."

"Bella can we please not do this. You're not a…," I began but she cut me off.

"You told Lucas that what I did to Laurent was the most disturbing thing that you've ever seen. He didn't make me do those things though. I did that because I'd imagined doing it ever since he came to your house. If you thought Lucas was a monster for making me do it how can you not think I'm a monster if I did it on my own?"

"That's not who you are anymore."

"You do know that whole thing with Laurent just happened today, right?"

I rolled my eyes but only because I really had no response to that. I looked off into the distance and saw that storm clouds were approaching. I suddenly wanted to be back home in my bed with Bella. I knew that wasn't going to be happening anytime soon.

"I'm not angry with you, Edward," she said moving gracefully out of her floating position. "I get what you're saying about me not being that person anymore. I'm better and a new part of me has developed. A part that wants to be better. A part that can compartmentalize and behave appropriately," she said with renewed intensity in her eyes. "What I need you to understand is that I am still that girl sometimes. It's a part of me. You don't have to like it but you need to recognize its existence. I'm not perfect. No where near it. The world has been hard on me and I've become a product of my environment. I'm telling you this because with Lucas around my worst qualities are going to come to the forefront. I don't want you to be surprised like you were today," she told me.

I hugged Bella to my chest and buried my face in her wet hair. I accepted her words because I knew that she was right. Bella was not the ideal person I'd created her in my mind to be. She had faults, many, many faults and I had to stop pretending like she didn't. Just because I could recognize the fact that Bella was not a saint didn't mean I loved her any less. It probably meant that I loved her more. I saw her good and I saw her bad. I loved her just the same though. I loved her utterly and entirely. I could take her flaws and love them too.

"You're right," I verbally conceded. "But there is a difference between you and Lucas. You changed and he didn't. You have a strong desire to be better than what you were before, to move forward and strive for redemption. Lucas doesn't. He is perfectly happy to be damned and consciously damns himself further with everything he does. He has no desire to find his soul," I told her.

She nodded her head in agreement. "You're right too but Lucas is a vampire like you and I. He was a ruthless fighter as a human and becoming a vampire solidified him both physically and mentally. It's near impossible for him to have a sudden epiphany to change just like it would be for us. I found you and therein a reason, a burning need to change for you, to be a woman that deserved to be with you. Just like I came and changed you. The only way for Lucas to change is for him to find a mate and hopefully she'll do for him what you did for me," she replied.

It was odd that my jealousy would flare up at that moment but it did. Bella was always prepared to defend Lucas, always in his corner, and always at his side. It bothered me but at that moment I decided not to speak another word against Lucas to her. It was the only way to keep myself from getting unintentionally hurt by her words.

Too soon, Bella and I were back at the house. We hadn't touched the whole run back to keep our scents off each other's bodies. I was for it though because I needed the space to steel myself in preparation of reigning myself in around her. Bella walked in the house first and went to sit next to Rosalie on the couch.

"Lucas left to go hunt," she said. "And Carlisle explained that we are to follow your lead concerning him?"

Bella nodded. "We can't let him know that Edward and I are mates or together in anyway. We can't let him know that I know he isn't my mate."

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Rose asked.

"Yes."

"Okay."

Rosalie relaxed on the couch, accepting Bella's words easier than I'd thought she would. She draped her arm over Bella's shoulders and tucked Bella into her side. Rose's thoughts were completely confident in Bella. She was even a bit at ease with the whole situation. I wondered why the hell couldn't I be that easily persuaded.

_**Bella**_

Lucas came back about two hours after Edward and I got back. He walked in the door with his red eyes brighter. They hadn't been black earlier today but he'd always said fighting made him hungry.

"Tomorrow I want you to take me out so I can try the animals," he said plopping down on the couch next to me. "Will you?"

I shrugged noncommittally and he pinched my side in response. I yelped in surprise. That was my ticklish spot and he knew it! I glared at him and swatted his hand away.

"Stop being mean to me," he said.

"I already told you I'd take you earlier!" I responded. "Stop being so whiny."

"Me? You've been pouting all day. It's cute, don't get me wrong, but you are definitely the whiny one between us," he remarked with a smile. He draped his arm over my shoulders and pulled me into his side. He buried his face in my hair before murmuring, "I really have missed you, you know."

"Yea, I know," I nodded.

Our voices were low but I knew that everyone who was at least in the room could hear us. I didn't risk looking over at Edward but I could feel his rage and frustration. My stomach churned. His displeasure with the situation made me sick but I was sure that he understood that this was all necessary. I hoped he'd gotten out all his frustrations during our little tryst by the bay. It was the roughest Edward had ever been during sex. I knew that with Lucas back and finding out that we were mates he felt the need to claim me in a physical way. I submitted to him and his needs and found myself on the receiving end of three of the most powerful orgasms. It seemed that he needed a little more soothing though so I closed his ability to any other mind but mine.

"_He'll be gone soon. I promise. I love you so much," _I thought at him. I couldn't risk looking at him but I knew that he was feeling better because he went over to the piano and began playing the song he'd composed for me. I couldn't stop the smile that settled over my features.

"Where were you before you decided to come looking for me," I asked Lucas as Alice painted my fingernails a pretty silvery blue color.

"I went home for a while," he answered.

"Where's that?" Jasper asked. I wasn't surprised that he was finding it the easiest to be in Lucas's presence. Everyone else was struggling, fluctuating between ignoring him and strained politeness. Jasper was always cool under pressure though. None of the Cullens let me be alone with him though. I wasn't quite sure what they thought chaperoning was going to do but there was always at least one Cullen in the room with Lucas and me. I'd promised to take him hunting today too and not so subtlety hinted that we would be going alone. In response they upped our supervision before our trip. Alice, Jasper, and Emmett were all in the room with us.

"Scandinavia," Lucas answered.

"What part?"

"Norway."

"Bella told us that as a human you were a Viking warrior," Emmett said. "Did you really wear those gold helmets with the horns sticking out?"

Lucas laughed and shook his head. "No, we didn't. Not during battles anyway. Some people wore them but only during very important ceremonies."

"He has one though. It's not gold. It's made of bronze with bull horns that he retrieved himself. It's hidden; buried under a tree in Norway," I told them with an impish smile. Lucas was very proud of that damned helmet but didn't like to publicize that fact. He narrowed his eyes at me and pinched my side again. I giggled and swatted him away making Alice squeal and slap my wrist.

"You'll mess up your nails!" she chided.

"Sorry."

"Are you really going to become a vegetarian?" Jasper asked.

"I don't know. Maybe," Lucas shrugged. "Right now it's just something I've never done. When you've lived as long as me you'll be jumping at any opportunity to try anything new no matter how disturbing it seems," he replied.

"It's not disturbing," I said rolling my eyes.

"What did you think when you first heard about it?" he asked.

"Shut up," I grumbled as I indeed recalled deeming my family the Crazy Cullens when I'd heard about their diet.

"Yeah, uh huh," he replied with a knowing smirk.

After my nails had dried and Alice was pleased with my outfit, Lucas and I prepared to leave. I made sure to walk past Carlisle's office where Edward was.

"_I'll be back soon," _I thought. _"I love you."_

He winked at me in response and I went down to the porch where Lucas was waiting for me. We set out into the woods at a run. I didn't plan on taking him far. I took Lucas up to where the bears were. I didn't want him feeding on any mountain lion. Allowing him to do so felt like it would be some sort of betrayal against Edward.

"So on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being they think of me as the shit flies won't even go near, how much do the Cullens hate me?" Lucas asked.

I burst out laughing at his completely unexpected question, "I'd say somewhere between 15 and 20."

"I figured as much," he sighed. "So tell me about them. What are their gifts?"

I gave him a quick run down of the Cullens' gifts. I lied about Alice though. Lucas would be salivating for her and Jasper would have my head. I told him that she was gifted with effervescence and panache. It didn't do any harm telling him about the others. I would have preferred to keep Edward's mind reading a secret but he'd taken that cat out of the bag already.

Lucas opened his mouth to presumably ask a question but closed it when I held my hand up silencing him. There was a bear nearby and I wanted him to go after it. He sniffed the air and raised an eyebrow at me.

"What is that?"

"A bear."

"Does it taste as bad as it smells?"

"Worse. Go get 'em tiger," I said slapping his ass.

He snorted a laugh and took off after the hapless animal. Lucas took the animal quickly and latched on to it's neck. I walked over and leaned my back against a tree as I watched him feed. He had no such problems taking down the animal blood like I had for the first time. I was pretty fucking shocked. When the animal was drained, Lucas let it fall to the ground and placed his hands on his hips. He stared at the carcass thoughtfully for a few minutes before nodding his head and going, "Hm."

"Hm?" I repeatedly incredulously. "I can't even believe you were able to drink all that!"

"It was quite…repellent, but I guess it would be tolerable if you were looking for a change of pace," he shrugged.

"You amaze me," I deadpanned.

I chuckled and he went to lean against a tree across from me. He mimicked my stance, placing his right foot back against the tree and crossing his arms over his chest. I don't know how exactly but I knew that he was ready to tell me what he wanted from me. My nerves went haywire as I inwardly panicked but on the outside I was as stoic as ever. His blood red eyes locked with mine and we launched into a sort of stare down.

"Do you trust me?"

I sighed and shook my head. I wasn't replying to him in the negative and we both knew that. I was doing it out of exasperation. Whatever he wanted, I knew for certain that I was going to decline and we were going to have a huge argument about it.

"Unfortunately, I do," I replied.

He smiled his most charming smile and even though I would never admit it to him or anyone else, it made butterflies flutter deep in my stomach.

"Earlier you asked me where I'd been," he began. "I wasn't lying when I said I went back home, but that wasn't the only place I'd gone though. I spent a lot of time roaming around Asia," he told me.

"Okay," I shrugged irritably. I was ready for him to get to the point.

"China is _insanely_ overpopulated…," he started but I cut him off. My mind made an instant connection and the rage inside me was like none I'd ever felt before. I rushed at him with a fierce growl. Our bodies collided and knocked over the tree he was leaning against. We fell to the ground as I clutched his neck in my hand.

"Lucas, this had better be a very sick fucking joke," I seethed.

His hands came up to grab my wrists. I knew that breathing was not the issue but my nails digging into him was. I did this to him often. It was a dull pain that built slowly into agony especially after the skin broke. He hated when I did this to him but he needed to feel this pain. He needed to be reminded. When my nails sliced through the tendons in his neck he fisted his hand in my hair and threw me off of him. My body went flying but somersaulted mid-air and landed on my feet before rushing at him again. I took hold of his neck once more but this time he was prepared for my attack and took hold of mine as well.

"Now calm down, Isabella," he said. "Let's talk about this like civilized adults."

"You and I are a lot of things, my friend, but civilized ain't one," I sneered.

"Well you know what I mean," he shrugged releasing my neck. I was more reluctant to let go of him but eventually I did. "Let's talk about this like the great war lords we are," he revised.

"Lucas, the Volturi would bring the wrath of hell down on us! We escaped the first time and that was fucking miraculous! I can't even believe you'd want to start up another war! Have you no self-preservation left?"

I buried my face in my hands as memories of our shared past filled my mind. I couldn't live like that again. I felt exhausted just thinking about it.

"Isabella please just hear me out," he said taking me into his arms. I didn't even fight him. I was so distressed at what he was suggesting that I just needed to be comforted by someone, anyone.

"I don't want to start another war," he said. "I want to do exactly what you're doing here with the Cullens. You have a beautiful home and an area that is claimed territory. The only difference is that you make sure that the humans who live there aren't harmed to avoid detection. I wanted to start a large and talented coven to protect a territory where we can feed as freely as we want without being detected," he explained.

"That's exactly what Ivan wanted when he settled in the south!" I countered. "Then people like you and Maria got wind of it and wanted a piece of the action. Before you knew it the south was crawling with blood thirsty vamps all fighting for blood, territory, and dominance! I will not help you start another war, Lucas!"

"There won't be any wars! All the other vampires feel exactly like you do! Their scared shitless of the Volturi but I'm not. And as long as humans don't start suspecting things the Volturi won't take action against me," he said.

"It doesn't matter. I'm not helping you. You can start your own coven. I have one of my own already. We don't drink human blood and I don't ever plan on leaving them," I said interjecting all the finality I could muster into my tone.

Lucas smiled but it wasn't the charming smile from before. It was the smile that let me know he was about to pull out his ace in the hole.

"You won't leave the Cullens or you won't leave Edward?"

My knees turned to jelly but I stayed on my feet. I schooled my face back into it's stoic countenance. My worst fears could be coming into fruition and this was not the time to show any weakness even though Lucas and I both knew he'd won.

"What are you talking about?" I responded.

"Oh come on, Isabella," he laughed. "It was so cute watching you try to hide the fact that he was your mate from me. I knew the second I laid eyes on him. I'm guessing you used Edward's mind reading to warn him that I was coming and then used Jasper to keep them all calm, correct?" he asked not waiting for my response before he continued because he already knew that he was right. "The others were contained, but Edward was not. It was quite comical to see someone so sedated yet so furious at the same time. Every time I touched or looked at you I could literally feel the daggers he glared at me. Then when you left with him, I'm guessing you let him pee on your leg to assure him things between you and I aren't what they used to be. That his place in your little cold dead heart was more secure than ever," he taunted me batting his lashes and swooning theatrically.

I turned my back on him and fisted my hands in my hair. Why the hell did I psych myself into believing I could deceive Lucas. He was too smart and he knew me too well. I would never be able to get a one up on him. It would be more likely for the sun to rise in the west.

"The thing is, baby," Lucas said, his voice softening as he took me into his arms again. "I don't care about that. I don't want to steal you from him or anything of the sort. I want you to come to Beijing with me for one month. No more, no less. You'll help me comb the city and create nine of the strongest vampires we can. You'll help me train them to fight and then you can come back to your darling Edward. Even if the Volturi decide they want to take action against me it won't be within that first month. It'll take them at least three before they know what I'm up to and then another three to actually strike. You'll be long gone by that time. Not to mention the Volturi's intervention is very unlikely to begin with. Staying conspicuous in a country like China is a non-issue. You have nothing to fear."

My mind was racing. I thought over every single last word he'd said. He made a lot of sense and he'd also crafted his plan in a way that I was fully protected from any consequences what so ever. Even so this plan was incredibly stupid and incredibly dangerous. There were plenty of reasons for me to tell him to go fuck himself but there was one thing stopping me from doing exactly that.

Edward.

Lucas hadn't threatened Edward outright but he didn't need to. I knew him well enough to know the threat against Edward's life was implied. He wouldn't have brought him up at all if he wasn't planning to use him against me just as I knew he would. So on that note, there was only one response to give Lucas.

"Give me the rest of the day to explain this to Edward. Don't come back to the house with me. I'll meet you at SeaTac first thing in the morning," I said.

"Thank you, Isabella," he smiled.

He kissed me sweetly on the forehead and left. I took a deep breath preparing for my upcoming conversation with Edward. I knew that he would not be understanding, that convincing him that I'd made the best decision was going to take all night, if ever. I ran back to the house wanting to just dive straight in and get the unpleasantness over with. When I got to the house, Edward was waiting for me out front. The look on his face was purely irate.

"If you think I'm going to let you to go to China with him, you are sadly fucking mistaken!"


	39. Chapter 39

_**SM owns.**_

_**Mommakat is the greatest, ladies and gentlemen!**_

_**IMPORTANT: The graphic violence warning is back and in full effect this chapter. I did not label it though because of how I formatted the entire chapter. Please thread carefully though if you are easily disturbed.**_

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_**Bella**_

"Let's just go inside and talk about this, okay," I said holding up hands to him as if I was approaching a rabid wolf.

"We can go inside but there's really nothing to discuss. You're not going," he said coolly.

My hands were already tied behind my back. Not going with Lucas wasn't an option. I didn't want to go around siring vampires in Shanghai but it was the only option where I got to have my cake and eat it too. Edward would be safe and so would Lucas. Plus it was a bonus that the latter would be hundreds and hundreds of miles away. It pissed me off that Edward was being so stubborn about this. I could understand him being upset because Lucas and I did have quite a past but how many times did I have to tell Edward that I loved him, that I would never abandon him, that I didn't want anyone but him, before he believed me? I was starting to feel like it wasn't just Lucas that he didn't trust, it was me too.

"I am going, Edward. Whether you like it or not, tomorrow night I'll be in China. I love you and I don't want to hurt you but this is fucking ridiculous. Don't you see how good this is for us? I'll be gone for one month and then Lucas will be out of our hair. I already told you I might have to leave with him. Why are you so surprised now?"

"I'm not surprised! I'm merely saying that you're not going," he said.

"Well I guess we better go inside and spend as much time together as we can because if I'm not at the airport tomorrow we'll all be dead," I said pushing past him and going into the house. I went up to his bedroom and plopped down on the bed.

"I never took you for the overdramatic type," Edward said suddenly appearing in the doorway.

"I'm not. I am the honest type though."

"You are being ridiculous."

"No actually you are!" I exclaimed getting really tired of the conversation. "Why are you so you against me going to China?"

"Because he's just going to suck you back in! He'll fuck with your head again and have you doing whatever he wants! He could turn you against me!"

I sighed and sat up swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. I took several deep breaths trying to calm myself. I needed to be more patient with Edward. I was on edge and being too harsh, even a little overdramatic like he'd said. I realized now that more than anything, Edward was afraid.

"Edward, I told you last night that I would never abandon you. Lucas was only able to control me before because I didn't know he was using my gift to help trick me. Now that I do know that, it isn't a problem anymore. He's only as persuasive as I want him to be and I'll make sure that when he's requesting something of me he isn't persuasive at all," I assured him.

Edward dropped to his knees on the floor before me and took my hands in his. He kissed both my palms before sliding between my legs, wrapping his arms around my waist and burying his face in my stomach.

"I hate the idea of us being apart. I don't think I can manage day to day life without you near me," he admitted.

"It'll be hard, I know, but when I return we'll have eternity together. It's like I said before; this is a necessary evil," I said cradling him to me. I kissed the top of his head before running my fingers soothingly through his messy bronze mop.

"I could go…," Edward began but I cut him off with a strong, final, and resounding no.

"Your family needs you here and to be perfectly honest I'm not comfortable with you and Lucas being in the same space. I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite. I told you, you need to understand that two very different people exist inside me but I don't want you to see it. I don't want you to see how ugly I can get," I confessed sheepishly.

"You know there's nothing that you could ever do to make me stop loving you. That would make me turn away from you," he said looking up to meet my eyes.

I nodded my head in response. "I know but I still want you to stay here. Plus absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?" I smiled.

He tried to smile back but it was heartbreakingly pathetic. He was very unhappy with the way things were panning out but I knew it was for the best. He'd see that as well in time.

"I'll be gone for thirty days and at the end of that time you'll be out of school for the summer. Maybe you and I could run away together for a little while? Take a trip to Paris and spend the sunny days inside in bed and spend our nights out on the town," I suggested. He smiled at that idea and nodded his head.

"I'll start booking reservations!" Alice yelled from two floors below us. Edward and I laughed at our flamboyant sister and the mood lightened between us. I pulled him onto the bed to lie on top of me. I kissed his lips slowly and sensually trying to convey all of my love for him. That month apart would undoubtedly be the hardest of my existence and I dreaded it as much as Edward did. We only had hours before I would have to leave him but I would spend every second of them with Edward.

"Make love to me, Edward," I whispered. He groaned in both sadness and desire before kissing my lips and pulling my shirt over my head…

"You know why I did it, right?" Lucas asked abruptly as we walked down a busy street in Shanghai.

"What?"

"Why I made you believe we were mates? You know that I wasn't trying to hurt you. I just couldn't afford to lose a soldier like you to Maria or any of the other armies," he said.

I nodded my head, "Yeah, I knew. Of course Edward couldn't understand that but I did," I told him. "We're not mates, Lucas, but you and I have always definitely had a strong bond. We've always been able to understand one another," I said.

He took my hand and kissed my knuckles as he smiled down at me, "I know," he said, "And that scares the shit out of me."

"Oh come on, Lucas," I smiled moving ahead of him and then walking backward so that we were face to face. "You know I don't bite."

He threw his head back and laughter and chomped his teeth loudly. "I have many scars proving the opposite, baby," he responded.

I giggled and turned down an alleyway. I scaled the wall of a building all the way up to the roof and Lucas followed me up. Once at the top I looked over the bustling nightlife of the city. The place was truly packed. I was surprised the humans were even able to breathe.

"It's beautiful right?' Lucas mused. "I think I might actually be doing them a favor. I mean they've got to want some elbow room," he said glancing at me.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head at him. "You're a fucking animal."

"So are you. You might be all polished and converted now but we both know the beast in you isn't dead. It's just sleeping."

He was right of course but I didn't acknowledge that verbally. There was no real need to. We both knew it was the truth.

"Do you have a plan or are we just going with trial and error?" I asked changing the subject.

"Trial and error," he said. "We've only got a month. We don't have time for any real scouting. We'll find a house to crash and then we'll start siring."

I sighed and nodded my head. By find a house, Lucas meant killing a family and stealing their home for as long as we could. It was how we did it back in the old days. We left Shanghai and found a little house just outside the city in a town called Minhang. The place was owned by an elderly man. I stayed outside while Lucas went in and got rid of him. I held my breath so that I wouldn't smell the blood when Lucas bit him. I knew the coming days would be exceptionally hard for me. I'd have a hard time keeping to my diet and siring vampires but I was giving myself hourly pep talks to stay strong.

"There's a phone inside," Lucas said as he walked out of the house with the corpse thrown over his shoulder. "You can call Edward or whatever. I'm going to go hide the body and when I come back we're going to get started," he said excitedly before racing off into the night. I jumped at the chance to call Edward. I missed him like crazy and hearing his voice would make me feel a little better. I didn't know how I was going to get through the month but I needed to stay strong.

I dialed Edward's number and he answered on the first ring. "I miss you," he breathed into the phone. "I miss you so fucking much."

"I know," I replied. "I miss you too."

"Where are you?" he asked.

I glanced around the house and thought about the man who'd just died so that we could stay here. Guilt washed over me as I took in his meager accommodations. The house was barely furnished at all. In his sitting room there was only a loveseat and a small TV. There was a decent sized kitchen with a small dining table for two. There were no photos or anything on the walls and I tried to comfort myself by thinking he had no family to miss him.

"A house," I answered Edward vaguely.

"Are you alright?" he asked warily after a short pause.

"Of course," I smiled. His concern was endearing and his voice was soothing. "How are you?"

"Dealing."

"And the others?"

"Fine. Esme misses you terribly and even though she's trying to be all tough about it I'm pretty sure Rosalie does too," Edward whispered the last part.

I smiled and nodded my head. Rose would keep a brave face and probably do her best to comfort Esme. I missed both of them as well. They were both the sisters I'd never had but always wanted.

"Tell them I miss them, too," I told him.

"Of course."

With my gift, I felt Lucas rapidly returning to the house. I sighed knowing that my conversation with Edward was over. I'd wanted to talk to him a bit more but clearly that wasn't going to happen tonight.

"I have to go, Edward, but I'll call you when I get a chance. Okay?" I said.

"Okay. I love you too, Bella. You be safe over there."

"I will."

I hung up the phone and relaxed back on the couch before burying my face in my hands. Being away from Edward was going to crush me. Doing what Lucas wanted me to do was going to break me…but only if I let it. I had to let that other part of me take over again. I couldn't allow myself to care about what I was doing. I needed to pack my emotions away. They would only hinder me and make my task harder.

By the time Lucas walked through the door I'd let my head take control and it had sent my heart back to Forks.

"You ready?" he asked.

"Yup."

"What's he got?" Lucas asked me.

"Hold on," I replied. "His heart has to stop completely."

Over the past two weeks, I had sired fifty-two vampires. Of that fifty-two we'd only kept eight alive. Lucas only wanted vampires with gifts that would help his coven be invincible. Since we only had a month to complete his plan, we'd split up the duties. I was doing the siring and he was doing the combat training. My most recent conquest, also known as number fifty-three and maybe nine, was almost done with his transformation. Lucas and I stood listening to his racing heart waiting for it to finally stop. I had no way of knowing a person's gifts until they were fully vampire. After his heart beat for a final time Lucas looked at me with a quirked brow. I sighed immediately knowing that Lucas wasn't going to want to keep him.

"Humor and friendliness."

Lucas snorted a laugh. "Way to go, Isabella."

"Shut up!" I snapped.

"Get rid of him. Try again," he said.

He clapped an encouraging hand on my shoulder and kissed my temple before fleeing the house. Number fifty-three opened his eyes and immediately his gaze locked with mine. He was both frightened and overwhelmed.

"Who are you?"

I smiled, "The Grim Reaper."

Before he could respond in anyway his head was rolling. I quickly dismantled his body and tossed the pieces into the fireplace. I growled deep in my chest as I realized this meant I would have to go find someone else and pray that they were special. The past two weeks had been grueling for me. I'd only spoken to Edward twice since that first time and I'd reverted back to old habits. I was feeding from humans again. I'd started off strong on my vegetarian diet. China had plenty of wild life and a large variety of big cats. Getting away for hunting trips took huge chunks away from the time I needed to help Lucas. I didn't want him trying to get me to stay longer than we agreed because there was work still to be done. Not to mention, siring constantly while abstaining was laughable. The little blood I extracted from biting and pulling was reeking havoc on my mental stability It was like being constantly tortured. My desire for human blood was back and stronger than ever.

I left the house at a run. The ninth vampire would complete Lucas's set. He wanted a coven of ten including himself. I was anxious to find one more person because that meant I could stop searching for new vamps and just help Lucas with the combat training. That part was not only easy, but fun. Luckily I already had another candidate in mind. At 56 years old he would be the oldest vampire I'd ever sired but I just had a feeling about the guy. I knew he'd make the cut. He lived in Huzhou and the run there from Minhang took me a little over a half hour. I entered his apartment building and quickly climbed the three flights of stairs to his floor. I listened outside his door to make sure that he was home alone before forcing my way in.

The man was napping on the couch and I quickly swept him up in my arms. I wasn't surprised that he didn't wake as I ran us back to the house in Minhang. I took extra care not to jostle him. Once I'd gotten to the house, I took him down to the basement, tied him to the bed, and taped his mouth shut before biting his major pulse points. His eyes flew open as the pain of the venom began coursing through him.

"Don't scream, it'll only make the pain worse. Keep reminding yourself that the burn will stop. It'll help you through it. Good luck, Jianjun," I told him before going back up the stairs. His change would take at least three days so while I waited out the process I scouted for others that might be good selections should he be a dud. During the three days of Jianjun's change I found four other people who might be the kind of vampires Lucas was looking for.

When I got back to the house, Lucas was there waiting for me. Jianjun's heart was beating rapidly as his change drew to a close. I drummed my fingers on my thigh as I waited. I was getting impatient for all this siring to be done with. When his heart finally stopped his gifts flooded me and I smiled.

"Tenacious and creative."

"What's his name?"

"Jianjun."

"Explain everything to him, get him fed, and then bring him to the clearing."

"Will do."

I turned toward Lucas's latest recruit and freed him from the bed even though he was strong enough to do it on his own now. He looked at me with defensive yet wondrous eyes.

"What is happening?" he asked.

"You're a vampire now, Jianjun, but it's not like you've read in the books. It's a whole lot better…,"

I told him everything he'd need to know about vampires, the Volturi, Lucas and why I'd changed him. The others had been emotional, angry, sad, resistant, and petulant. Jianjun was none of those things. He was a lot like me when I awoke to this life.

"Is there no way to undo what has been done?" he asked.

"No."

"And what about this Lucas fellow. What happens if I refuse to join him?"

"You will be destroyed."

He sighed and took a minute to think about my words. I waited patiently for him to cope with what was being forced upon him.

"I'm really, really thirsty," he said.

I nodded my head. "Come with me. We'll remedy that right now."

I watched the five people Lucas had tied to the tree. The fear on their faces was horrifying. They knew that they were about to die and they knew it would be painful. I wanted to look away. I needed to look away. But I couldn't. In one way or another their deaths would be on my hands.

There was a big part of me that was depressed by this. I wondered who these people would leave behind. Who would mourn them? How many would never recover from the pain of their loss? There was another part of me as well. Lucas called that part The Beast and rightfully so. It definitely fit. The Beast was jealous. The Beast wanted those five people for herself. She knew that just days from that moment she would be back in Forks, that she would never taste human blood again. She wanted to feast on her addiction before she gave it up again.

"You may under no uncertain terms break Isabella's skin," Lucas addressed the group pulling me from my conflicting thoughts. "If you can successfully pin her down and get your teeth around her neck, you win this lovely quintet of humans I have gathered. They are all quite mouth watering. They would most definitely be a treat. If Isabella manages to get her teeth around your neck, you lose and get to watch her feed. Let me repeat. You may not bite her. You may not break skin," he eyed the group threateningly.

I was standing in the middle of a group of five young vampires waiting for them to attack me. They were all pretty good fighters and after a few more lessons they might even be great. Lucas and I had created a fine coven. They obeyed and feared him. They were smart, strong, and eager to please him. He was very proud of the work we'd done. His god complex was rearing it's ugly head again. It was clear on his face.

The five vampires surrounding me were the best fighters of his coven. They knew and recognized me as their sire but knew that it was Lucas who was really calling the shots. They were sizing me up like any fighter should their opponent. They were thirsty and wanted those humans, but unfortunately for them, the Beast did too.

"Go!" Lucas said and they all lunged…

I pushed the corpse away from me and licked my lips. I looked down at the five bodies at my feet and felt two conflicting emotions yet again. I was crippled with both guilt and regret. I felt guilty for killing those completely innocent people who'd been unfortunate enough to cross Lucas's path. My conscience kept yelling the word "Murderer" at me. There was regret too though. I regretted drinking them so quickly. I regretted not savoring every last drop. I wished I could turn back time and drain them slowly.

"Delicious, right?" Lucas said as he came up behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in my neck.

I nodded slowly and leaned back into him. His presence quieted the admonishing voice in my head. With Lucas, drinking human blood was okay. It was natural. It was right. With Lucas I could live a hard yet easy life. A life I'd known for years, a life where I excelled, where I was powerful, revered, and looked up to. A life without Edward…

I stepped out of Lucas's arms and raked my hands through my hair. I couldn't blame my loss of reality on Lucas. Years ago I had been dying to be away from him but after all this time I missed him. I liked being back with him. I had to admit that if he could keep his territory in Shanghai peaceful it would be a life I wouldn't mind living. My diet of animal blood was hard. I could definitely identify the positives. I could feel my humanity coming back to me. The rage inside me was easier to lay to rest. I could masquerade as a human in society and live the life I should have.

I saw the downside of that life too. Masquerading was tedious and a bit like taunting a child with a piece of candy just out of their reach. I could live amongst the humans. I could go to college and have human friends. I would never be fully human though. I would be immersed in a life that made me feel like I wasn't a demon but deep down I would know the truth. I would know that I was deluding myself. Living that life would be a blatant form of self loathing. It would be a slap in the face to myself.

I didn't necessarily hate being a vampire. I just hated fighting. If I could find a life that allowed me to be who I truly was and have peace. I would take that opportunity and hold on with both hands. Lucas was creating that life right here in China. He was trying to at least. There was no guarantee that history wouldn't repeat itself and wars would erupt here just like they had in the southern states and Mexico.

"What time does your flight leave?"

"I'm not flying back."

Lucas was suddenly in front of me with a smile that could have lit up the night sky on his face. He grabbed my waist and pulled me to him.

"You're staying here?" he asked.

I smiled sadly and shook my head. "No. I'm just not flying. I'm going to run until I hit the pacific and then swim the rest of the way. I need time to…readjust before I go back to the Cullens," I said turning my eyes from him so I don't have to see the moment that glorious smile left his face. "And I'm leaving now."

"Will you say goodbye to the others? They'll miss you, you know," he asked.

"No. I'm pretty sure most of them are mad at me for kicking their asses and stealing their meal," I said, glancing at the people I'd just drained.

"They knew they didn't have a chance. I brought those for you. That'll be your last human meal right? I wanted to make sure you were fed well," Lucas told me wrapping his arms around me again. I didn't pull away from him.

"How thoughtful," I replied. I'd wanted to be sarcastic but I found that the words were actually genuine.

"I don't want you to leave, Isabella" he murmured nuzzling my neck again. I buried my face in his chest and breathed in his heady scent. Warm and relaxing. Like cinnamon, sunshine, and water. I would miss him so much.

"I know you don't. I'll visit you in a few years though," I said looking up at him.

He stared into my eyes for a long time. The sadness was there, as was possession. I knew that it was time to pull back from him. I pulled myself out of his arms and started to back away but he kept coming forward.

"Let me rephrase that. I can't let you leave," he said.

"Lucas you promised!" I hissed at him.

"I know that," he said shaking his head regretfully. "The thing is, the coven loves you. They hang off your every word. You're their sire. You can't just abandon them. Not while they're so young," he said. "Plus I need you, we've been apart too long. Stay here in China with me. You can go and visit Edward soon, or he could come here," Lucas said.

"Fuck that. Fuck all of that. The coven has you! All they need is you and all I need is Edward. I'm not staying here and I'm not bringing him here. He'll never stand for what you're doing," I retorted.

"This is as much your doing as it is mine."

"I did it for you. So that you'd leave me alone," I told him.

"I think maybe it started out that way but Bella went to sleep soon after we arrived here. The Beast has taken over. You're my Isabella again. You can't tell me that you're not happy with me," he said.

"I am happy with you but I'll be happier with Edward. Lucas he's my mate. My real mate! You know that I can't be away from him. This past month has killed me. I need to get back," I exclaimed.

"You just have to get by on visits. You can do it. I know you can. You're made of the toughest stuff, baby," he smiled.

"Lucas…," I began warningly but he cut me off.

"Isabella, you don't have a plane ticket to Forks do you?"

"I already told you that I don't."

He smiled, "Well not only do I have a plane ticket to Forks I have ten. One for me and the nine members of my coven. While you're foot racing to Forks, we'll already be there. Destroying any reason you may have for going back there," he said with a shrug.

My eyes grew to the size of dinner plates.

"You wouldn't!"

"Do you know me at all?"

"You can't put the newborns on a plane. They'll massacre everyone on board including the pilot!"

"Read the news lately? You'll find the a local blood bank has been robbed. Their entire supply has been taken. Some rowdy teenagers pulling a devastating prank. Do you know how much blood was in that place? There was enough blood to keep a group of nine out of control vampires in control during a sixteen hour flight."

I turned away from him as my mind raced. I could feel the venom pooling in my eyes. Lucas would kill Edward and the rest of the Cullens and I wouldn't be there to stop him. I had no money and no means of getting a plane ticket. In my mind there was only one solution to this problem and I hated it. I hated it with every atom in my body.

"Please don't make me do this," I whimpered. "I love you, Lucas. I love you so much. But I will kill to be back with Edward. I would annihilate anyone who stood in my way."

"You could try."

I spun around to find Lucas already in a crouch. I growled in frustration. My mind was in turmoil. I didn't want to hurt Lucas. I didn't want to hurt him in any way. There was a big difference between want and need though. A huge difference.

"You can't beat me Isabella. I think getting yourself killed would hurt Edward a lot more than you staying here in China."

"You'd really kill me?"

"You'd really kill me?" he asked right back.

"There's no gain in my death. Not for Edward and certainly not for you."

"There's no gain for me when you go back to Edward either. I'm dramatic enough to make sure that if I can't have you no one else will either," he shrugged still in his crouch.

"This is senseless!" I shouted.

"Stay with me," Lucas offered me one last time. "You have too much fucking potential to be squander the rest of eternity running around with those animal drinkers like you don't have the power to rule the world. I refuse to waste away like that. It'll be a fate way worse than death."

It was clear that Lucas and I had very different ideas about how I should live my life. He was like a stage parent and had this situation not been so dire I would have found my little analogy funny. He didn't care at all what I wanted. It was all about him and his plans for us but his wants differed too much from my own. I couldn't agree to be away from Edward. I knew that if I agreed to only a few visits every few years with Edward, Lucas would then talk me into never seeing him again. I stared into his eyes and we both realized the instant I reached a decision and in that moment we both charged one another.

Lucas was a great fighter but so was I. His skill surpassed mine. It was extremely possible that I would be meeting Lucifer in Hell soon. My only saving grace was that he trained me himself. I knew his moves and his techniques. He knew mine as well but I still had somewhat of a fighting chance. It was also possible Lucas and I would spend the rest of eternity trying to kill each other.

The forest around us was filled with the sound of our growls, our teeth chomping, trying to bite each the other, the high pitched shrieking of steel nails scratching steel skin. My brain was filled with determination and fear. If Lucas succeeded in killing me Edward wouldn't survive. He would either find someway to kill himself or spend the rest of his existence in some coma like state. I knew that without a doubt and I couldn't let either of those things happen to him. The fear of that outcome didn't cloud my mind though. It gave me startling clarity. I wasn't fighting Lucas just for the fuck of it. This wasn't some silly meaningless fight for blood and domination. This was my fight for happiness. This was my fight for a future with Edward. My chance at true love and perpetual peace. This was the fight of my life.

Lucas was fast but luckily I was slightly faster. I needed to use that to my full advantage. My mind was a whirlwind of everything I knew about fighting. There were things I could not afford to let Lucas tear from my body. My teeth and my fingers. Body digs were painful as hell but I would have to bear through it and keep his attack centered there. Our fight started off defensively at first, we were both willing to kill one another but reluctant as well. We were both hoping that the other would bend to the other's will. Once we realized that wasn't going to happen the real fighting began.

Lucas was almost two feet taller than me which gave me beautiful advantage. I knew that the easiest way to bring down a tree was to cut from the bottom. However the disadvantage was that Lucas had given me that little tip. It would do me no good to employ any tricks that he'd himself taught me. It was extremely dangerous and probably stupid to try and attack Lucas's face and neck but it would be the attack he was less prepared for from me. Not to mention it was the obvious kill. He'd always told me to never go for the obvious kill.

I took a few swift steps backwards before launching into a flip. While my hands were on the ground I pushed myself up and wrapped my legs around Lucas's neck. His face was smashed into my stomach and he bit into my navel. I ignored the mind numbing pain as his hands simultaneously dug into my sides and ripped as much meat from me as he could. I stayed focused on my own plan and fisted his hair in one hand. I pulled his head back effectively wrenching out the part of my gut he was gnawing but I was successfully able to remove and burst one of his eyeballs. Lucas spit out my stomach and slammed us down on the ground using my body to cushion his own fall. I stopped breathing right before my body hit the ground to stop it from being painful as the breath was forced out of my lungs.

Grappling on the ground was a near death sentence for the vampire on the bottom. I had to get Lucas off me and fast. His hands clawed at my face as I tucked my chin trying offer my neck some semblance of protection. His right eye was gone and so I used that slight advantage to punch him on that side of his head. I hit him hard enough to knock his body sideways. His nails had been digging into my face and ripped away my cheek. The pain radiated through my entire body but all I could think about was the fact that I could sink more of my teeth into him this way.

I jumped to my feet before Lucas got his bearings. I ran at him again grabbing onto his foot and ankle with my mouth. If I could get rid of his foot it would be harder for him to maintain balance for the duration of the fight and give me the upper hand. It was a stupid move though. Incredibly stupid. The second I latched onto his ankle. He pushed himself off the ground with his other foot on my shoulder and ripped off my arm.

We both sprang away from each other, our bodies screaming in the pain of the losses. My fear skyrocketed as I realized what being short one arm did to mine and Edward's chances of survival. Hope sprung through as well as I looked to Lucas and saw the most beautiful and horrid thing in the world. He tried to stand and then fell. His body was not prepared for the unbalance. I rushed at him while he was still on ground and plucked out his other eye blinding him completely. He was able to get his hand around my neck though and his other arm held my body to his.

He tried to duck his head to bite my neck but I grabbed his hair with my lone hand and kept his head pulled back. We snarled and squirmed against one another trying to break free from one another but also refusing to let each other go. We were both teetering on the brink of victory and death. Lucas had me by the neck though and that put me closer to death. His stance was awkward though with his legs wide apart to accommodate the loss of his foot. I could feel Lucas pulling his head forward against my hold on his hair willing to lose his scalp in order to bite off my head.

I wrapped my leg around his that still possessed a foot and pulled it from beneath him. He lost his balance again and I pushed my weight into him willing him backward. I freed him from his scalp on the way down to the ground and his face launched forward toward my neck. He was blind though and couldn't see that I was waiting for him. Our faces collided with opened jaws. Lucas wasn't expecting it though. My newly widened jaw clamped down and I bit away the front of his face including the roof of his mouth and nose.

He growled out in pain clawing blindly at my face but the battle was over. His was blind, unable to bite or balance himself and on his back under my weight. I bit his neck and severed his head from his body. The rest of him thrashed on the ground helplessly still fighting. I put my foot on his chest to steady him as I used my remaining hand to dismember him.

My body moved on autopilot because my head checked out of the fight. I was filled with an agony I'd never known. Blood curdling screams erupted from my mouth and so much venom welled in my eyes that they actually began to fall down my face like tears. My body gathered Lucas into a neat pile and retrieved the lighter from my pocket while my brain tortured me with a catalogue of sweet moments passed between Lucas and I. My hand tossed the lighter and a great fire ignited before me as my body and mind reconnected.

My knees gave away as my body decided to assault me along with my mind now that Lucas was out of the way. I could feel our first kiss on my lips, I could feel him inside me as he made love to me for the first time, the best time, the last time. I could feel his arms holding me to him as we cuddled afterward. I could hear that wonderful Nordic song he sang to soothe me after particularly rough battles. Sobs racked through my body as it hit the ground.

I couldn't take my eyes off the flames that reduced Lucas's body to dust. It felt like I was burning right along with him and a part of me wasn't sure if I wasn't doing exactly that. I was completely immobile and consumed in anguish. I felt like I was descending into Hell.

That was until I felt Heaven advancing toward me. It was miles away but rapidly approaching. I could hear it calling my name as it got closer. I could see it's face as it leaned over me.

Confusion waged war inside me. I couldn't make heads or tells of anything. A familiar exhaustion settled deep inside me. I wanted to sleep more than anything in the world. I wanted everything to just be over. I was so tired of fighting others and fighting myself. So I stayed still. I gave my body the rest it needed.

I stayed in Heaven's arms as Hell stayed in my heart.


	40. Chapter 40

_**SM owns. **_

_**Thanks Mommakat, you are truly wonderful!**_

_**Okay Folks, this is the last chapter before the epilogue. Enjoy...**_

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_**Edward**_

I was plagued with worry and despair. I hadn't talked to Bella in over two weeks and I just couldn't cope. She was away with that fucking…parasite and I was here. Alone. Scared. Worried. Helpless. He could be doing anything to her and how would I know? How would I stop him?

Bella was strong and could protect herself but she wasn't invincible. No one was. I needed to know that she was okay. That she was safe. That she was thinking of me and in need of me like I was in need of her. After the first week of her absence I gave up going to school. I couldn't concentrate on anything and I was crabbier than I'd even been in my entire existence. Jasper was trying to be supportive because there were actual moments where he thought the sun shined out of Alice's ass. He could understand my complete lack of motivation to do anything besides wait for my Bella to come back to me. My emotions were hard on him though and he often needed to escape me and be with his mate.

The days moved by slower than snails. I tried to keep myself occupied playing the piano, reading, composing songs to surprise her with when she returned, smelling the last articles of clothing she'd worn, and replaying every glance, touch, and kiss exchanged between us. It didn't take long for her scent to fade from my room and the clothes and that's when things really got rough.

"Have you seen anything?" I asked Alice as she strode in my room to keep me company. I'd been begging for Alice to search out any vision she could of Bella. She was able to get small snippets from time to time and I relished them like precious tokens. The things I saw weren't good at all but I got to her face and that's all that mattered. I saw her training newborns, smiling at Lucas, and I saw her crying a few times as well. I wanted to believe that she was crying because of our separation but there was no way for me to know for sure. What if she was hurting? What if Lucas was causing her tears? I was going insane not being able to talk to her or see her in the flesh.

"No," she said with a sweet and apologetic smile.

I sighed and nodded my head. I knew I just needed to hold on. Bella's thirty days would be up tomorrow and then she would be on her way here again. She would be with me in just under 48 hours. I smiled to myself thinking about how sweet our reunion would be. Not to mention the plans we had to go off on our own together and spend the summer in Paris. Alice had our bags packed, hotels booked, and airline tickets bought. My mind was full of French fantasies when Alice gasped in both shock and fear. I pushed the fantasies aside as I focused on her latest vision.

When Bella trained the newborns, she was calm, methodical, and patient. She was a good instructor. I knew not to be concerned during those times because I could clearly tell those fights were educational. I could also clearly tell that the fight I was witnessing in Alice's vision was not educational. This was a real fight. A death match. I was frozen in horror I as watched her attack Lucas with a fierceness I'd never seen before. They were moving with the speed of lightening and even with my enhanced vision it was hard to keep up with their strikes. Alice's vision cut off rather abruptly leaving me panicked and scared shitless.

Alice immediately jumped into action. I wanted to as well but my mind was a wreck. I knew things needed to be done, but I was too scared to be helpful. I knew that people needed to be called and plane tickets needed to be bought but I just couldn't seem to pull it together to do any of those things. I kept going to my computer and fumbling with my cell but never actually called anyone or even logged onto the internet.

Luckily Alice had her head on straight and did all of those things for me. My little sister always knew exactly what to do. She even sent Carlisle up to my room to get me under control. I felt my father's hands on either side of my face holding me still and forcing eye contact between us.

His voice was calm and firm yet somehow gentle as he spoke. "Edward, son, we need you to focus okay? Bella needs you to focus…," he said which launched me into full blown panic. My hands encircled Carlisle's wrists in what had to be a painfully tight grip but I had very little control over my body in that moment.

"I fucking hate myself, Carlisle! I knew I shouldn't have let her go! I should have gone with her. She needed protection from that asshole. I'm such a fucking idiot! Now she's on the other side of the world, soon to be fighting for her life and we're not going to be there in time!" I said all in one breath.

"Edward you couldn't have known this was going to happen. You were only respecting Bella's wishes. She wanted to go and she wanted you to stay. Now is not the time to fret over something you cannot change," he said. "Alice has told me that we won't get to China when the fight starts but she can't get a full vision on the outcome. There is a chance we still may get there in time to help her in some way. That's what you need to hope for and that's what you need to work toward."

I nodded my head knowing that he was right. He was always right. I would be no use to Bella if I kept freaking out and having this negative attitude. Carlisle never took his eyes or hands off my face and he knew that exact moment that I was in full control of myself. He nodded once and then backed away from me.

"Our flight leaves in four hours. We need to get to the airport right now," he said.

I nodded again and we all left the house. I rode in the car with Alice and Jasper. I needed to be with both of them. I wanted to be there to see any visions she had and I needed him to keep me calm. Everything seemed to be happening so slowly. Time was crawling, the car wasn't moving fast enough, security at the airport was taking their sweet fucking time like my family and I didn't have a crisis to avert.

By the time we got on the plane, I felt better and worse. It felt good to know that I was on my way to my girl but the excruciatingly long flight wreaked havoc on my nerves and patience. I sat in a row all to myself. The rest of my family were seated besides their mates. The empty seat beside me depressed me. Bella should have been there beside me. It made her absence and possible peril all the more obvious. What if she never sat beside me again?

I knew that it was a selfish line of thinking but I couldn't help but throw myself a little pity party. I'd been alone in a house full of mates for most of my existence until Bella came and made everything better. She was my mate. My happiness. My peace. My love. I hadn't even had her for a whole year and I was already at risk of losing her. There was no one else that could ever make me feel the things she does. The prospect of being without her for the rest of eternity was too much to handle. If I lost Bella, I needed to find a way to destroy myself. I would never be able to bear the pain of her death.

"There's nothing worse than mourning a death that hasn't even happened yet or might not ever happen," Jasper said sliding into the seat beside me.

My emotions were all over the place and I knew it. I was happy to have someone beside me, to make me feel less alone. I was pissed though that he'd taken the seat that in my mind was for Bella. I knew that she wasn't on the plane and that he wasn't really taking her place but my mind was currently refusing reason.

"I know," I told him looking down at my hands in my lap.

"Alice says that we'll touch down in China two hours before Bella and Lucas start to fight," Jasper told me. "That's plenty of time."

"No it's not," I grumbled slumping down in my seat and burying my face in my hands. "We have no idea where this fight is taking place. In Alice's vision they were in the fucking woods, which mostly means she's not really in Shanghai but somewhere around Shanghai. We don't know the land. We have no idea how to even go about looking for her. Two hours is not plenty of time," I countered before Jasper's calming waves filled the cabin.

"You've got to know something, Edward," Jasper said. "Did she give you any idea where she might be from the phone conversations you guys had," he asked.

I thought back over our conversations and shook my head. Bella had been oddly vague when we'd talked. Whenever I'd asked where she was her answers had been things like; the house, the apartment, and downtown.

"Well at least we know that Bella is very capable of taking care of herself. She may not need our help at all," he tried.

I nodded my head and tried to follow that line of thinking. Bella was an exceptionally strong fighter. She'd survived the most dire of situations with very little effort at all on her part. Just because she was fighting for her life didn't necessarily mean she was going to lose it. My Bella was strong and there was a huge possibility she would get the better of Lucas.

"That's more like it," Jasper smiled as he felt my new positivity. He clapped me on the shoulder and went back to his seat beside Alice. He wasn't even gone a whole thirty seconds before Rosalie took the seat he'd just vacated. She turned her icy glare to me and shook her head.

"You know Bella's going to kick your ass for doubting her mad skills," she said.

I couldn't help but laugh. Rose giggled and settled back into the seat. She took my hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze. She didn't say anything else and she didn't have to. Rose's presence and calm thoughts helped me more than Jasper's influence did. Rose was truly not worried. The others were scared that we might not get there in time. They feared what may happen to me if Bella was killed and what it would do to the family as a whole. They loved her dearly and didn't want to lose her either.

Rose's mind wasn't thinking along those lines at all. She was anxious to have her best friend back home. While Alice was my favorite sister, Bella was Rose's. They'd had a strong bond from the very beginning. Rose was completely confident in Bella's survival. She was so confident that she was getting her thoughts in order to chew Bella out for leaving with Lucas in the first place.

I looked at our joined hands in her lap and smiled inwardly. The closeness between Rose and I was Bella's doing. I'd never been close to Rosalie. The things she'd heard me say during her change had ruined our relationship before it'd even began. Bella had come into our lives and changed all of that around though. The only thing Rose and I had, had in common was a penchant for playing the piano. That hadn't been enough to forge a bond and eradicate the ill will between us. Our love and need to protect Bella did though. Bella had not only brought me happiness, purpose and love but she'd also brought me closer to Rosalie.

I squeezed my sister's hand back and she smiled again in my direction.

"_I love you, Edward," _she thought warmly.

"I love you too, Rose."

Just like I thought, we had no idea what to do after getting to China. It was impossible to come up with a plan when we had absolutely no information. We knew that the fight was taking place in a forest but that meant nothing. For all we knew, they could have been back in Forks.

"We could split up," Jasper suggested. "Pair a stronger fighter with a weaker fighter and search different forest areas. That way we'll cover more ground and give Bella the best help possible no matter who finds her first," he said.

We all looked at Carlisle for his decision but he looked to me. Bella was my mate he wanted me to be comfortable with whatever action we took.

"I think it's a good plan," I nodded. "There will have to be uneven groupings though."

"That's okay," Carlisle said. "I'll stay with Emmett, Alice you go with Esme, Jasper, Rosalie, and Edward will go together."

"I'll go by myself," I replied. "We need to cover as much ground as possible. We don't have much time."

"I don't think it's such a good idea that you go alone, Edward. You're too upset," Jasper disagreed.

"I can go alone," Alice offered. "Jasper and Emmett can go together and Rose and Edward can go together."

Jasper didn't like the idea of Alice being alone but he knew better than anyone that Alice could hold her own in a fight. I didn't like her going alone either but I knew that me going alone wasn't an idea my family was going to let fly. We didn't have time for all this back and forth. We settled on the grouping and then found a map to designate areas to search in before going our separate ways.

I was happy to be paired with Rose. She wasn't as strong a fighter as me but nothing less than lethal. Her presence had put me at ease on the plane and she was still doing so on the ground. Now that we were on the ground and actively searching for Bella I was feeling a lot more in control. I had a gut feeling that we would find her and that things would be okay. The doubt didn't leave me completely though. I was still worried beyond belief. Bella's life was in serious danger and according to Alice's vision Bella and Lucas's fight would begin in exactly two minutes.

Rosalie and I were in the forest of Minhang when we caught the scent that was distinctly vampire. It wasn't Bella or Lucas but since they had been creating vampires in this area it was very likely that whoever's scent we came across could help us. Rosalie pulled out her cell to let the others know that we'd found something.

"Alice is coming to join us. The others are going to keep searching just in case this scent leads us nowhere," Rose told me even though I'd already heard her phone conversation.

The scent we'd come across gave me hope and pushed both me and Rosalie to run harder and faster. I'm not exactly sure how because I wasn't paying attention but Alice joined us just a moment before the scent led us to a clearing in the woods.

"She's been here," Rosalie, Alice, and I all said in unison.

Her scent was thick in the air and so was Lucas's along with several others. There was no doubt that we were on the right track. Alice and Rose called the others to join us as we kept running. All the nerves and fear I'd felt before vanished and the only thing in my mind was determination to simply get to her. I didn't think about what I would find when I reached her. I just simply needed to be in the same space that she was.

As the nerves left me though, they came back full force. Just seconds after we came across Bella's scent and started following it we heard an awful sound in the distance and smelled the cloying yet acrid stench of a burning vampire. The sound was worse than anything that I'd ever heard. It was agonized, blood curdling, soul shattering, and tortured. It was Bella.

I couldn't process anything aside from the fact that the god awful sound was coming from my Bella. I forgot my sisters and my family. I forgot the world around me and moved faster than a speeding bullet and light itself to get to her.

I dropped to my knees beside Bella as tremors quaked through my body. I wanted to touch her, to hold and kiss her but I was scared. She was so obviously in both emotional and physical pain. Part of her face had been ripped away, her arm, and sections of her sides as well. My girl was broken in every sense of the word. Her cries made the venom well up in my eyes. I glanced over to the fire that undoubtedly consumed Lucas and just for a second I wished he weren't destroyed for two very different reasons. I wanted him back so that I could rip him apart myself for hurting her physically. I also wanted him back though because it would end the pain she felt emotionally.

Her thoughts were a jumbled mess that I didn't even attempt to understand. A part of me didn't even want to. I feared what I might glean from her swirling and disjointed thoughts. I carefully slid my hand to the nape of her neck and under her knees to pull her into my lap. I didn't want to touch any injured part of her because I knew that it would only cause more pain. The second our skin made contact her screams dramatically tapered off into small whimpers and moans. Her eyes were locked onto mine but I wasn't quite convinced she was actually seeing me.

"I'm here Bella," I whispered, my voice shaking just as much as my body. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You're safe and no one will ever hurt you again. I'll protect with my dying breath, sweet girl," I murmured trying to soothe her in anyway that I could.

"Edward we need to reattach what she has lost. It'll take away some of the pain," Carlisle said.

I glanced at him where he knelt directly across from me. I hadn't even heard him, or the others for that matter, arrive. Jasper and Alice weren't here but Emmett and Esme were now around us. Esme was running a comforting hand up and down my spine while Rosalie knelt beside Carlisle cradling the pieces of Bella's body. I watched Carlisle's every move as he worked over Bella. I was grateful to see he moved with great tenderness and care as he righted her face first.

Her venom was anxious to heal her broken body and took only seconds to reattach completely. A new scar was visible, a thin ghost of the fissure outlining what she had lost. When Bella was whole again, I clutched her body to my chest and she clutched me right back. She held onto me for dear life, still whimpering and moaning in pain.

"I love you so much, Bella. I love you so much," I whispered in her ear.

I was so relieved that I hadn't lost her. Eternity was still ours to share. She was in my arms and if I had my way it was where she would always remain. Sobs of gratitude racked my body as I thanked whatever god was out there that still favored me. Bella and I held each other for an unknown amount of time and might have stayed for even longer had Bella not sensed vampires coming toward us.

"The newborns," she said with no life or emotion in her voice at all. She rose to her feet and turned to the direction in which they were coming. As they got closer, I could hear their thoughts. They were all confused and worried about Lucas and Bella. The fact that they could smell her near assuaged them but the other scents of my family and I confused and worried them more. The large coven of newborns halted in front of Bella. They tried to focus on her but their eyes kept flitting to the rest of us. Some wanted to take on defensive positions while others were patiently awaiting Bella's instructions.

"Where's Lucas," a young girl asked. She couldn't have been older than fifteen when she was changed.

"Destroyed," Bella said. Authority rang loud and clear in not only her voice but in her stance and in her face. The effort to keep this air of dominance and superiority was taking so much out of her. She was actually tired but knew that she needed to show the newborns that she was still strong.

"What happened?" another vampire asked.

"I killed him," Bella answered eliciting a collective gasp from the newborns. They all began whispering and some were even quite angry. "Silence!" Bella barked fiercely and her command was instantly obeyed.

"If anyone of you wish to avenge his death you had better strike now," she told them quirking a challenging eye.

Their fear was evident in their faces and in their thoughts. They may have felt a loyalty to Lucas but that was too new to make them feel the need to risk their lives for it. They knew what Bella was capable of and destruction was not something any of them wished for themselves. Plus their loyalty to Bella was stronger and instilled in their venom. I was beyond shocked to realize that Bella had sired them all.

When Bella realized none of them would attack her, she continued talking. "My plans to leave China tonight have not changed. You all however have choices. Lucas is not here to guide you, but do not worry. You don't need him and do not need me. You all may stay together, you may disband and form smaller covens, or you may chose to exist alone," she told them. "It is in your best interest to either form smaller covens or travel alone. The size of this coven was a risk Lucas was willing to take. You should not be so daring. Maintaining an inconspicuous existence is paramount in our world and not easily managed for a group of nine. You will do well in remembering everything Lucas and I have taught you. Those lessons will keep you alive and under human detection," she said.

"May I come back to America with you?" the fifteen year girl asked.

Bella shook her head. "Not now. I'm going to be traveling with my mate for a while," she told the girl. "You are still young in more ways than one, Mei. See the world and in ten years if you still wish to find me then do so," Bella said.

The young girl smiled and nodded her head. I could tell from her thoughts that in exactly ten years time there would be an addition to our family.

"To the rest of you. I wish you all the best," Bella said before taking my hand. She led the way, leading us out of the forest with the family following behind us. When we emerged Alice and Jasper were waiting for us with three cars. Alice looked from Bella's dead expression to me. I could see from her thoughts that I wasn't all that surprised to see Bella and I were sporting twin expressions.

Alice approached me and placed keys to a black BMW in my hands. "Take her to Paris, Edward," she said sadly. "Get her out of here."

I nodded my head and started to lead Bella to the car but Rosalie rushed forward to take Bella in her arms. Bella hugged her back but the motion was belated and robotic.

"Take care," Rosalie whispered. "I love you so much."

Bella nodded her head and tightened her arms around Rosalie. "I love you too," she replied.

Rosalie backed away and Esme took her place. The family took turns hugging Bella and then me. My family reluctantly let Bella and I go our separate way. They were worried for both us but knew that we needed our time alone together.

Alice had canceled our hotel reservations and instead rented a beautiful chateau for Bella and I to stay in just outside the city. It was huge with lots of light and elegant furnishings. The master suite was a huge room that was twice the size of my bedroom at home with marble floors, two balconies, and a huge antique canopy bed.

My heart broke over and over for Bella. She was only a shell of herself. She was lost and didn't move with the same purpose and assurance that she used to. She wasn't allowing me to hear her thoughts and she wasn't speaking too much either. When we arrived at the chateau, we quickly found the bedroom where Alice had already had our things delivered and arranged in the closet and bathroom.

"Would you like to shower and change your clothes?" I asked her. I waited for her reply but she didn't seem to have heard my question. I moved so that I was standing directly in front of her and cupped her face in my hands. She instinctively leaned into my touch before her eyes slowly traveled up to meet mine. Behind the dark glasses she'd worn on the flight I could see her morose crimson eyes. Even though she had been siring vampires, I knew that that wasn't the only reason her eyes were red. I knew that she'd given up our diet but I wasn't angry in the least. It was our nature to feed from humans. We tried very hard to rise above that but every one of us were on the verge of losing our way every day. I don't even think that Carlisle could have stayed on the straight and narrow had he been in Bella's place this past month.

I smiled and repeated my question about the shower now that I knew I had her attention. She responded with a nod and I led the way to the bathroom. I decided against the shower and ran a bath instead. I undressed her and then guided her into the tub that could have comfortably sat seven people. She sighed in content as her body relaxed into the steaming water. I shed my clothes and slipped into the bath with her. I took my time washing her body and her hair, cleaning beneath her finger and toe nails, then afterward I washed myself. We slipped into plush terrycloth robes after we were clean and went to the closet to dress. Bella stopped me though before I could grab a pair of boxers. She'd shed her robe and then moved to untie mine and pushed it off my shoulders. She sighed and ran her fingers down my chest and stomach before wrapping her arms around my waist.

"I just need to feel you, Edward," she whispered. "I need to feel your skin against mine. Would you mind if we laid together, though?"

"Of course not, Bella," I answered.

I led her into the bedroom and into the huge canopy bed and let her get in first before I followed. She waited until I was settled onto my back before she snuggled up next to me. She buried her face in the crook of my neck, threw her arm around my waist, and draped her leg over my thighs.

Over the next few days we did not move from the bed. We changed our positions every so often but we never parted. We hadn't been in each other's presence in so long that I found myself reveling in this constant contact. Part of me was very guilty that I could derive pleasure from anything when I knew that Bella was hurting so much. She rarely spoke and the expression on her face remained a mask of stoic hollowness. It bothered me deeply but I didn't want to push her to talk. I knew that when or if she wanted to, she would. In the mean time, I did what she wanted me to. I stayed quiet and I held her.

We'd been in France for just over a week when the music started. Bella left me and the bed for two seconds to retrieve her iPod. After that, there was a constant stream of Barbara Streisand's "The Way We Were" playing. The connection between the words and her situation were glaringly obvious. Listening with her helped me understand what was going on with her concerning Lucas. I knew that I would never completely understand, that no one but Bella could ever dream to understand. That song definitely cleared some of the fog though. She played it for two days before I got a call from Alice. I didn't want to answer but after she called me a third time, I figured it might be urgent.

"What," I said by way of greeting.

"It's time for you to go hunting."

"Do you want to…," I started to ask Bella but Alice cut me off.

"Bella's fine. You need to hunt, Edward."

"I'm fine," I growled keeping my eyes on Bella. That was a complete lie though. I hadn't hunted in almost a month and the burn in my throat was torture. I refused to leave Bella though. She needed me and I would be there for her.

"You will do what I say Edward Anthony!" Alice shrieked so badly that both Bella and I shrieked.

"He's going, Alice," Bella whispered. Her voice was so tiny and dejected but my tyrant sister still heard her.

"Great!" Alice chirped happily before hanging up.

I tossed my phone aside and moved to envelop Bella in my arms again but she pushed me away.

"Go, Edward. Your eyes are black as Hell," she said. "I'll be fine. I know you're tired of this song anyway," she smiled sadly.

I was indeed tired of the song but she needed it to heal and I would listen to it for eternity if that's what she needed. I tried to object but she placed her foot on my stomach and kept pushing me until I was at the edge of the bed and just millimeters away from spilling onto the floor. I got up before that actually happened.

"Happy Hunting," she said before waggling her finger at me and turning so that her back was to me.

I sighed and begrudgingly left the chateau. I decided to feed off whatever was near by. That unfortunately included squirrels which were by far the foulest things I'd ever tasted. I did luck up and come across some deer too though. When I was good and sloshy, I turned and hightailed it back to Bella. When I was back in hearing range, the first thing I heard were Bella's sobs. I wanted to behead myself for leaving her. I knew that she was too fragile to be alone. However her cries died off almost immediately. If I could hear her, then she could definitely hear me. I realized that she was trying to hide the fact that she was crying from me. I didn't know why she would do that but it hurt me. I didn't want her to feel like she had to shield anything from me.

When I made it back to the bedroom, I found her sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed hugging her knees. She had pulled on one of my t-shirts and also changed the music. She was now listening to "Lessons Learned" by Alicia Keys. The connection was again glaringly obvious and clarifying for me. I moved to sit on the floor beside her and she rested her head on my shoulder.

"I'm mourning Lucas," she said after a few minutes. "I'm grieving his death more than I ever thought I would. The odd thing about it though is that most of the sadness is mostly for selfish reasons," she chuckled but there was no joy in the sound, only bitterness and disgust. "I feel like this whole part of me has died with him and I'll never be the same again. I can feel an actual gaping hole in the pit of my stomach that I know I can never get back, that I know I can never repair. And because I killed him, I feel like in conjunction with that I've committed suicide," she told me. Her words came slowly and deliberately. I knew that she was trying very hard not to start crying again.

"For decades my world revolved around him. Every breath I took was with him in mind. He taught me things that I'll never forget. He threw life's lemons at me but he'd also taught me how to make the lemonade. He showed me the world and on several occasions offered it to me. I was dead before I met him. I was thrown out by my family and he picked me up. He gave my life a purpose when I couldn't find one myself. I had all but given up when he breathed a new will into me. Now he's gone. Now I've killed him and I'm not so sure who I actually am anymore. I've lost my foundation. I'm an ending with no beginning."

I wrapped my arms around Bella and kissed her temple. There was so much that I wanted to say but I wouldn't interrupt her. I wanted her to get out everything before I said my peace. She'd held her feelings in for so long and I knew she's feel lighter after she'd said everything.

"A part of me knew that following Lucas to China was silly. I knew that something bad would happen. I couldn't tell him no though. I knew he'd harass me, threaten you, and do everything in his power until I caved. With all that said, there was only one real reason I decided to go with him. I wanted to get him away from you," she said before her voice finally broke and a sob escaped her. She looked into my eyes as sorrow, regret, and shame swam in her own.

"I knew that you and your family hated him. I knew that eventually the pain of the loss of the Denali's would push you and your family to want vengeance against him. It was only so long before a fight broke out. Lucas had the skill to win but everyone has their match and I was so afraid that you all would be his. When Lucas and Bree fought, they both asked me for help but I couldn't pick a side. I ran away back then. I was scared that history would repeat itself. I wanted to get you all as far apart as I could. I wanted to protect everyone. I wanted to protect myself, but I failed just like I did before. I lost someone again.

"There aren't many people I have loved in my life. I never knew my mother but the love between mother and child is created at conception. I loved my father even though the very sight of me repulsed him. I loved Bree. I loved Lucas. I loved all of those people and they've all died. They all died because of me. I'm so fucking scared that a trend is being set and if it is what does that mean for Rosalie, for Esme and the rest of our family? What does that mean for you?"

Bella was crying hysterically now and clutching me as if I was going to drop dead at any moment. I felt every single drop of her agony and I had to put a stop to it or it would crush us both. I couldn't hold my tongue any longer.

"Bella stop it!" I yelled louder than I intended to. She didn't stop crying but her words instantly ceased. "If you think that you are cursed and that death comes to all those you love then I'm here to tell you that you are wrong. Your past was volatile. The people from your past were volatile. You were volatile. And you were right about one thing. A part of you did die with Lucas. That volatile part died. Maybe it's grossly insensitive and maybe I'll go down as the world's biggest asshole but I'm glad a part of you died. I'm glad that you're lost and that you're an ending with no beginning, because you can make whatever you want with that ending.

"You have the opportunity of a life time. Lucas ruled your past but your future is all yours! You can make the rules. You can decide to leave me right now and live on the fucking moon if you wanted to. It would be completely insane but you know that it would be completely your choice. You've lived all these years for Lucas. Doing what he wanted. Trying to make him happy. All that's over now. From this point on everything you do will be because you wanted to. You can make your own values. You can decide for yourself what your purpose is. You are free, Bella. Free to be who you want to be.

"And baby I know that that kind of liberation and change might be really fucking scary right now but if you want me to be there, I'll hold your hand the whole fucking time. I'll be your cheerleader and support every single decision you make. I'll scramble around with you in the dark until you find that light, I'll pick you up when you fall, and fight every demon that dares stand in your way. I'll do anything for you with one exception. I will not sit here and listen to you tear yourself down. You are anything but cursed, Bella. You are more blessed than anyone that I know. You _are_ a blessing," I said fiercely.

Bella stared at me with wide eyes and her mouth agape. My vehemence left me breathless and my panting was the only sound breaking the deafening silence around us. That was until I heard the most beautiful sound in the world. Bella's laughter. Happiness took over her features and lit up the room. The tinkling bells of her laugh made my heart swell and I found myself laughing with her even though I wasn't quite sure what was funny.

"Oh Edward Cullen I love you more than words can express," she giggled as she launched forward throwing her arms around my neck. I wasn't expecting the hug and therefore not prepared for the force of her body. I fell onto my back but wrapped her in my arms wanting to keep her with me. She peppered my face with kisses before bringing her lips down to mine in a smoldering, passionate, love reinforced kiss. I kissed back giving her all I had and more.

"I am blessed. Blessed to have found you, my mate. We are the perfect pair, you and I. You are strong where I am weak. Your optimism goes toe to toe and conquers my pessimism every time. What state would I be in without you?" she asked searching my eyes with wonder and love filling her own.

"We can make each other better. I didn't want to see the light until I met you," I replied.

She smiled and leaned in for another kiss.

"I am scared," she admitted when she pulled away and trained her eyes on the floor beside my head. I lifted her chin so that she would look at me again.

"I know. There's nothing wrong with that," I assured her.

"You promise to help me?"

"I promise."

"You'll hold my hand?"

I took both of her hands in mine for emphasis as I nodded my head. "I won't let go."

"Never?"

"Never."

"And we'll stay together?"

"Forever."


	41. Epilogue

_**SM owns.**_

_**Huge thanks to Mommakat who went above and beyond to help be with this story. Her hard is has improved this story amazingly and I am forever grateful!**_

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_**Edward**_

I may have moved too fast as I reached over to place my hand on top of Bella's. I didn't care but I quickly scanned the minds around me to make sure that I hadn't been noticed. When I was sure I was in the clear, I slumped in my seat, pinched the bridge of my nose, and took a calming breath. Bella had been tapping the damned pencil rapidly on her notebook for the last five minutes. I tried to ignore but I just couldn't anymore. The sound was really grating on my nerves.

"Sorry."

"Sorry."

We glanced at each other and smiled at our simultaneous apologies. I adjusted my hand so that I was ) no longer holding hers down but holding it. I ran my thumb over her knuckles hoping to soothe her. Even though she had been back on our vegetarian diet for over three years now, she was still having an exceptionally hard time. I knew that it had a lot to do with losing Lucas.

I had stuck to my promise to help her through. We had plenty of good days but there were no shortage of really bad days either. Sometimes she yelled at me. Sometimes I yelled at her. Other times we laid in bed unable to let each other go. In light of all the problems we had to work through, our bond was stronger than ever. I had never been more sure that nothing would tear us apart.

I found myself marveling at Bella's strength on a daily basis. Even though she was suffering in more ways than one, she refused to give up. She kept her head high and pushed forward. This very moment was a perfect example of that. Her grip on my hand had long passed painful but I kept my mouth closed. We were in a crowded lecture hall and the smell of human blood was even bothering me a bit. We had been cramped in the warm room full of warm sweet blood and I knew that it had to be killing Bella. Her eyes were black as coal and every so often she'd whimper and whine like a kicked puppy.

I'd suggested a million times that we just leave but Bella wouldn't hear of it. She wanted to stick it out. She wanted to push herself. I knew that doing so was a bit foolish and dangerous but I had full faith in Bella. She'd slipped three times but all things considered she was doing very well and I was proud. Of course she tried to beat herself to a pulp every single time but I wouldn't allow it. Our lifestyle was difficult and she was doing a lot better than she was giving herself credit for.

I turned my head to look at her as the hand that I was holding began to grip so tight I was afraid she might take my hand clean off my wrist. The glare on her face was fierce enough to burn the skin off every single human here. I would have just left her alone if things had stopped there. This was not unusual classroom behavior for Bella. What really worried me though was the fact that she had unconsciously dropped her hold on my gift and her thoughts were racing so fast that they were nonsensical. I knew it was time to get out of there before my phone buzzed in my pocket with Alice's call. I packed up our things as quickly as I could without raising suspicion.

"Get up," I said doing so myself. Bella didn't fight me at all. She was on her feet before the words completely left my mouth and we were out the door two minutes later. Once we were outside the fresh hair helped Bella plenty but not by much. She was in control but we needed to hunt really soon.

It was times like these when I wondered if there was a downside to mating. I wanted to give Bella everything she wanted so badly that reason played no part in my decision making. Back when we were in France, I told Bella she could make her own rules, and that was exactly what she did. She's made getting back on her diet her first priority but we'd decided other things as well.

A big part of being in the Cullen family meant pretending to be human. Bella hated that idea but agreed to do so for my sake. We'd had to make some compromises though. She said under no uncertain terms would she repeatedly attend high school. When we went back to Forks after France, I was in my senior year of high school. Bella used that time and the following summer to acclimate herself back into our vegetarian lifestyle. After I graduated we broke away from the family to do some traveling and then finally rejoined the family about eighteen months later when they moved back to Rochester New York.

While Bella refused high school, she had no qualms about college. When she suggested Julliard, I was extremely hesitant. New York City had plenty of sunny days where we'd be trapped inside. The city was crowded with people and our hunting options would be extremely meager at best. These were pretty serious complications, especially for a vampire still having a difficult time abstaining. I wanted to tell her no but she was so excited about it. She had this whole plan that we would go to the best school where we could study our music together. She gushed about it with starry eyes and enthusiasm that I'd only seen from Alice during fashion week.

I made her aware about the things I was worried about but she hadn't been bothered at all. Her response had been, "But Edward the most beautiful people in the world reside in New York City. It's where you belong!"

The little bit of flattery had crushed my already weak resolve. Not to mention, I remembered Lucas saying that New York was one of Bella's favorite places to be. I just simply couldn't deny her. While the rest of the family stayed in Rochester, Bella and I bought a townhouse in Carnegie Hill. We were apart from the family but still relatively close. I worried all the time about whether we'd made the right decision to come here but this was what Bella wanted to do. She'd had so little control over her life before we met that I didn't have it in me to restrict her again. Things had been well enough so far and I felt that as long as we were together nothing else really mattered. We could get through anything together.

I moved toward the curb ready to hail a cab and get us home but Bella stopped me by squeezing my hand and shaking her head. "Let's just walk home, okay?"

"Of course," I nodded kissing her lips and leading the way. We walked in silence most of the way. I knew that she needed some time to get herself back under control. We were just starting to pass Central Park which was just over a block away from our home when she finally spoke.

"It's getting easier," she said looking up at me with a smile. "I mean it's still hard as all hell but it's better. I can manage better."

"I can tell. I was really proud of you. You should be too," I told her.

"I am," she nodded releasing my hand so that she could wrap her arm around my waist.

Once we were back at our place we changed our clothes as quickly as possible and jumped in the Vanquish. I opted taking her instead of the Volvo because she could be faster. Even though Bella had started feeling better on the walk home, I knew that her thirst was still raging. We had neighbors on both sides of our townhouse and I knew that she could smell their blood just as strongly as I could. I didn't want her to lose control again before we got time to hunt. I knew from experience that containing Bella was not a job easily done…some might even call it impossible. It was a six hour drive to Vermont but me and the Vanquish got us there in half the time. There were actually pretty decent hunting prospects in Vermont. The only catch though was that we had to be extremely careful due to the hunting regulations. We tried to stick to the animals that were in season except during rabbit season. Neither Bella nor I were too keen on rabbits. Bella said feeding from them just made her feel…wrong. I knew what she meant so we steered clear of them most of the time.

When we got to the forest, we stopped moving just after entering the trees. Bella expended my talents until my range covered the entire forest. We needed to be aware of humans that might also be hunting in the area. I was elated to find that we were completely alone today. It was a rare treat. I turned to Bella with a smile and held her face in my hands before kissing her sweetly on the lips.

"We're alone," I told her. "Go hunt, baby."

I smacked her ass to put her into motion. She squealed in surprise and took off into the trees with a brilliant smile. I followed but hung back. She needed to hunt and I didn't want to be in her way. I kept my distance and watched in fascination as she drained two foxes and a small herd of deer. She was a ferocious yet elegant hunter. Her movements were lithe and graceful. She was captivating.

Once she'd had her fill, I helped her dispose of the remains. Then it was my turn. I fed quickly, wanting to get home. I was incredibly aroused after watching Bella hunt and I wanted her in our bed. I wanted to be inside her and feel her warmth surrounding me. When we were done, we ran back to the car and I gunned it back to New York. My thoughts had been focused solely on making love to her but after a few minutes of Bella's complete silence on the way home, my focus was brought back to the present. I glanced over and found her body completely still and her face completely devoid of expression. She was staring straight through the windshield but her eyes were unseeing. This wasn't really cause for alarm but it definitely meant something was going on inside that head of hers which I currently had no access too.

My mind was officially off sex. I didn't ask Bella what she was thinking because I knew that she would tell me soon enough. That didn't stop me from obsessing though. Things had been pretty perfect for us over the last two weeks and I was worried that we might be approaching another bump in the road. I went over everything that had occurred today and tried to decipher what might have caused a shift but I couldn't really think of anything Having to leave class abruptly because of thirst was old news so I knew it couldn't have been that. The hunt had gone without incident and there was really nothing else that could have happened.

My uncertainty put me on edge and my whole body was stiff in preparation for some sort of impact. When we got back home, Bella and I headed to the shower to wash off the hunt. It was there that she finally spoke.

_**Bella**_

Edward was so good to me. He took care of me as if I was some priceless treasure, a deity that deserved to be worshipped with his every breath. He kept every promise he made to me in France. Even when I was a complete bitch, when I lost control of myself and became a force of nature destroying everything in my path, or when I got so lost I couldn't even move, Edward stayed by my side. He put me before himself constantly and loved me with his whole heart.

When we went to hunt, he let me hunt first. He put his own thirst aside so that I could gorge without interruption. Allowing me to hunt first made it harder for him, when I was done. It would be harder for him to find prey but still he waited. When we had been in class, he knew what I needed before even I did. He protected me from everything, including myself.

I loved him for his devotion to me and it was only because of my devotion to him that I could understand his actions. I loved him in ways that boggled even me. There isn't a thing I wouldn't give to him or do for him. Our love was insanity at it's very best.

Back at the house, Edward stepped into the shower before me. I held back a little wanting to watch him undress. He was so effortlessly sexy. It wasn't until he tilted his face up to meet the water raining down on him that I finally undressed myself. When I joined him, I encircled him in my arms and kissed his chest above his heart.

"I want to take your last name," I said abruptly.

His body stilled and he turned into a statue in my arms. I looked up at his face and found him staring at me with his mouth agape and his eye bulging. I couldn't help the giggle that bubbled up. His expression was way too comical and unEdward-like. His body relaxed at the sound and his face erupted into a breathtaking grin.

"You want to get married?"

"No!"

I knew instantly that my ardent exclamation had been misunderstand and had cut Edward deeper than anything in this world ever could. His face literally crumbled in despair as his shoulder dropped damned near to the floor.

"Wait," I said clasping his face in my hands and making him look at me again. "I didn't mean that as a rejection of any sort," I assured him.

"Then what did you mean?" Edward asked in a pained voice. He was searching my eyes pleadingly, begging me to help him understand.

"You know how I feel about pretending to be human. There's only so much of the charade I can take and marriage I just can't do," I explained. "I don't want some human minister there sealing a bond for us that he can't even understand. Mating transcends marriage. The vows don't even qualify for us. There is no sickness or health to worry about. Death will never do us part. Better and worse has already happened and we're still together and stronger than we ever were. I think getting married would belittle what we have heinously. Our love was designed by fate, by destiny. We were assembled for one another. There's no need to make the promises that humans have to. I don't want to get married and make a mockery of the love between us," I said earnestly.

By the end of my ran, Edward's grin had returned and subsequently mine too. He brought his lips down to mine and kissed me slowly and deeply. I felt it all the way down to my toes and moaned at the sensations he awakened inside me.

"So you do want to be Mrs. Cullen. You just don't want to have a human ceremony?" he asked for verbal confirmation.

"Correct."

He sighed and a thoughtful expression covered his face. "I think we still need to honor this in some kind of way. Make a memory of the event to keep for eternity," he said.

"Like what?" I asked as my brows knit in contemplation.

"We could just write our own vows and exchange them. No minister or anything, just us putting into our own words what our bonds mean to us," he suggested.

I smiled, loving that idea, "The family could be there. It wouldn't be right excluding them. They helped bring us together," I said.

Edward nodded, "We could do it in Forks. In our meadow."

"And exchange rings too. A visual symbol that will last forever, just like us."

"Oh this is just perfect!" Alice squealed from the other side of our bathroom door. "Please let me help plan this! I have so many ideas but I promise you'll get the final say!"

Edward and I stared through the glass shower at the closed door in shock. Neither of us had heard Alice even come into the house. The little imp could be truly terrifying at times. Edward shook his head and sighed in exasperation and laughed burying my face in his chest.

"Okay Alice," I said hoping I wouldn't regret it. I groaned at her responding shriek of excitement. Edward pulled me closer to his body and ran his fingers through my hair.

"Don't worry, love," he murmured. "At the end of the day, it's just me and you."

I was surprised that Alice actually kept her word. She didn't go overboard with anything. When spring break came around, we all got on a flight back to Washington. There really wasn't much to be done, since we already had a location, a guest list that didn't warrant invitations, no catering, and very minimal floral arrangements. Edward and I had approved of a plan to erect a gazebo for the occasion in the meadow. Esme had designed it and Emmett and Carlisle constructed it. Alice and Rose personally outfitted the beautiful white structure with long strands of sewn together cherry blossoms and white roses. The floor of the gazebo was then strewn with red rose petals. I don't know how Jasper managed to set up music in the meadow with no electrical sockets for miles around but he did and I was ever so grateful.

The day of the ceremony was sunny and that made me extremely happy. Edward looked his best when he was illuminated by the sun. We didn't want to follow any of the marriage superstitions like not seeing each other on the day. Alice however refused to let Edward see me in the dress she picked out for me. When the time came for me to get dressed, Edward was hastily ushered out of the house with Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper.

Alice of course had chosen everyone's attire. The men all wore suits while the ladies wore cocktail dresses. My dress was a bit more of an evening gown though. It was floor length with just the hint of a train and a split that reached high on my high. Edward loved my legs. It was made of the finest royal blue silk with short off the shoulder sleeves and a sweetheart neckline. It fit me like a glove and played up my subtle curves. Rosalie styled my hair keeping it down but out of my face by twisting back the front and holding it in place with silver butterfly hair pins. The rest cascaded down my back in ringlets. Make-up was also applied ever so slightly with only a dash of blush on my cheekbones, pale pink lip color, and dark eye liner and mascara. Even I had to admit I looked stunning despite the fact that my scars were more visible than I would normally like.

Rosalie, Esme, Alice, and I drove as far as we could into the forest and then got out to trek the rest of the way. We moved at a human pace, not wanting to risk getting ourselves disheveled in anyway. Esme and Rose walked on either side of me while Alice stayed behind me to hold up my dress.

"I'm so excited," Esme said, looking as if she was near tears. "For both you and Edward. The happiness you've both been searching for has been found," she sniffled.

I smiled and wrapped an arm around her waist. I was so happy that I felt like I would burst at any moment showering rainbows, sunshine, and candy hearts down on the whole town.

"I'm just happy the boy finally got laid," Rose shrugged. I delivered a quick and painful elbow to her ribs and she laughed as she massaged the spot. I wasn't angered at all by what she said though. She and Emmett shared an insanely physical relationship. Sex played a major part in bonding for her. She'd said it jokingly but I'm pretty sure she meant it seriously. "I'm also happy that you two both know what it feels like to finally be whole," she added.

I knew exactly what she meant. As cheesy and clichéd as it was, Edward completed me and that was a feeling of contentment that couldn't be superseded.

When we reached the meadow, my breath was completely taken away. The sun was pouring down as if the event was being blessed by the heavens. The gazebo was designed and decorated gorgeously but more dazzling than anything else was Edward. He was standing in the center of the gazebo wearing a black suit, looking more debonair than I'd ever seen him. His skin collected the rays of sunlight and gleamed like a beacon for all to behold. He was perfection and knowing that he was mine pleasantly overwhelmed me.

His eyes lit up when he saw me and placed a hand over his heart with a gasp. I had literally taken his breath away. That made me extremely proud yet at the same time bashful. I gave him a smile and proceeded toward him as Alice dropped the back of my dress. She, Esme and Rose followed me in to stand behind me as the men stood opposite them and behind Edward.

Edward took my hands and kissed them both. Shivers of delight raced through me and he smiled gleefully. It was decided that I would deliver my vows first. I took a deep breath as a recording of the song I'd composed for Edward began to play and began…

"When I awakened to this existence, I was thrust into a world of mayhem, destruction, and death. I was raised and groomed to be a person full of hatred, distrust, evil, and malice. It was all I knew. I was without options, so with a heavy heart I held my held high and accepted my fate. It wasn't until four years ago that I realized it had not been my fate at all. My fate stands before me, right here. My fate is you, Edward Cullen. It wasn't until I met you that I was struck with new terrifying and brilliant hope. I'd thought my past had ruined me, broken me beyond repair, but it didn't. You came into my life with determination and vigor, willing and ready to show me that all was not lost. You showed me that I was a person deserving of love, a person capable of love, and most of all, a person who despite her terrible mistakes is still _good_. You made apparent the beauty not only in me but in the world.

"I am so grateful that it was with you that I rebuilt my life. You are a man whose character, loyalty, kindness, selflessness, care, belief, trust, and love is what I need and want as guidance for myself. With you, I have faith in myself. I have the confidence and strength to be a better person, to be my own person. You didn't force my hand into being what you wanted me to be, but merely gave me options for me to choose who I wanted to be. I cannot thank you enough for your trust, your help, your devotion, and your love. You are my very best friend. You are my light in the darkness. You are the love of my existence. I trust and love you with every ounce of my being. I know that with my hand in yours I will never be alone. I know I will always be safe, that my future is bright and burns away the past. So I am here today with a heart that's soaring above the clouds with joy, ready to eagerly and blissfully accept my true destiny and my true mate, Edward Cullen."

Venom welled in my eyes as I looked into Edward's own venom filled eyes. He was my future and nothing else that happened before him mattered to me. Things had been awful then but they never would be again. Not with him at my side. Rosalie slipped a simple platinum band into my palm and I slid it onto Edward's finger. We had both agreed on simple bands, neither of us want a stone interrupting the symbol a band represented; our unending love, happiness, and existence together. I brought his ringed finger to my lips and kissed it sweetly before looking back into his eyes. His expression of elation was radiant and sparked my own.

When the music adjusted from my composition for Edward to his for me, he cleared his throat and stood a little straighter.

"For years I hated myself. I loathed who I was and what I was. I had family who loved me, who saw things in me that I couldn't. I loved them. I loved being with them. Underneath it all though, I was lonely. I watched the bonds of the mated couples around me. I saw the expression in their eyes and the truth in their actions. The love they shared I could not comprehend or relate to. It baffled me and while I felt someone wretched as me did not deserve that love, I still craved it none the less. My heart ached for it. It did not take me long to give up on ever finding that love but when I was least expecting it, it found me.

"Bella, you came into my life and before I could even learn your name, see your eyes, or hear your voice, you changed everything for me. Your presence filled me with emotions I'd never experienced. I was unprepared. I was confused. I was in love. I didn't know it at first but I do know now. When I finally got the chance to get to know you, hope swelled inside me. There was hope that I could help you, that you could help me, that we could help each other. Upon meeting you, my eyes were opened to the blessings in my life. I was able to realize all the great things my family had given, taught and shared with me. I wanted to give those same things to you. I wanted to embrace the good around me with you.

"You made it possible for me to know love as I'd never known it before. I was able to comprehend and relate to the very love I'd thought I'd never find. I was redeemed in your love because someone as majestic as you loved me. I am thrilled to be the man you want, the man you trust, and the man you love. I am thrilled to know that I am embraced by your perfection. You have made my existence worthwhile with your love. I want to pledge my allegiance to only you and strive to bring happiness into your every day. On this day I dedicate myself, my existence, and my love to you."

Carlisle gave Edward a platinum band to slide onto my finger. It was identical to Edward's and he too kissed the ring after securing it on my hand. A sob of happiness escaped me as I threw my arms around his neck. He held me tight to his body with his arms around my waist and continued to whisper words of love into my ear. I was thankful that my vampiric memory would not allow this day to fade from me. I would remember this day with perfect clarity forever.

"I love you so much, Edward," I whispered to him.

"As I love you, Bella," he responded.

After thanking and hugging our family, for being there and all they'd done for us they made their exit. They were heading back to New York and giving Edward and I the rest of spring break to spend in the Forks house alone. Edward and I stayed in the meadow for hours under the gazebo though. It was too beautiful to walk away from. Jasper had left the iPod dock that had played the music during the ceremony and Edward and I let it continue to play. He took me in his arms and led me into a slow waltz as Cass McCombs "You Saved My Life" began to play. It was the perfect song for us.

I rested my head on his shoulder and enjoyed the feel of his body knowing that I'd never have to be without it again.

"I wish we could live in this day forever. It was perfect," Edward murmured.

I looked up into his beautiful face and smiled, "This is only the beginning, there is no end, and that's what's truly perfect."

* * *

I want to thank all of you who have read this story, reviewed it, and added it and me to your favorites. I know I didn't get to respond to many of the reviews but I read and appreciated them all. Your kinds words served as encouragement and inspiration as I wrote. If you are interested I do am currently writing another fic called The Difference Between Love and Obligation which is AH that is already published. I will also be starting another fic that will be entitled Survivor's Guilt. If you have any interest in those fic just add me to your alerts. Again thank you all for reading and sticking with me through this journey!


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